Hello dear readers! Alright, so I have not written/finished any fanfictions in a while :0. I originally meant for this to be super short lol, but alright. I have decided to edit all the previous chapters before uploading the new one. This should be finished in the next 2-3 days.
WARNING: THIS IS A SUICIDE FIC IF YOU FIND THIS TOPIC UPSETTING PLEASE DON'T READ YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!
DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN BLEACH IT'S ALL TITE KUBO (IF I DID IT'D BE CLASSIFIED AS SHOUNEN AI/YAOI AND WELL EXPLICIT *LAUGHING*!)
Chapter 1: Suicide
It is so very simple to say that you are in love with someone. Especially when you see them every single day, but how do you know if you really love that person? If they are the one; your soul mate. Since my death and arrival to Soul Society I have never known. I got used to being hated and spat on for my looks. However, I do not know what love is and I do not think I ever will. Those were my thoughts for most of my time in Rukongai. Then, in a single defining instant everything changed. I met Ikkaku and my life changed for the better, for the most part. I felt a deep ache in my heart. I fell in love with him and a part of me had the desire to protect him. Although at the time I could not even protect myself. I wanted him to look at me with affection, with the same longing that I felt in my heart reflected in his eyes, yet I would have been happy with seeing him smile and laugh. Is that love? At first I did not know. Now years later I am one hundred percent sure that I am in love with my best friend, my straight best friend. How do I know, you must be wondering? How could I not know! I dream of him every night, when I close my eyes I see his face, those intense eyes watching me, loving me.
I have loved him for as long as I have known him. Yet I know that there is no hope of my feelings being returned. My love is one-sided and if he were to ever discover them he would learn to hate me. He is a bit homophobic and I would rather live this miserable fake life than lose his friendship. I feel that familiar ache in my chest as I close my eyes. I feel warm tears gathering at corners of my beautiful eyes. I know that he is with someone right now. I think everyone knows. I watched him leave the party with her and I truly envy her. She is plain, not at all as beautiful as I am, but she has the one thing I do not. She is a woman. I envy Byakuya and Renji and I hate Ukitake and Shunsui for having what I cannot have. What I will never know. They get to go home together. I watch Renji grin at Byakuya who returns that look with the smallest of smiles. I watch Shunsui pull Ukitake closer into his arms and I hate them. When this damned party is over I will walk home alone and wonder if I could have done something, anything, differently. If I had told Ikkaku how much I loved him before we joined the Thirteen Court Guard Squads would he have said he loved me?
I hate thinking about this. I hate the cold empty apartment I return to every day. I cannot remember when I started to see everything around me as ugly or worthless. When I started looking into a mirror and seeing so many flaws. Everywhere I look there are memories of what used to feel like heaven. As I moved further into the small apartment I was so happy I thought things would change and they did, but it was not for something better. Ikkaku hates me now. I can tell he looks at me as if he has never seen me before. He no longer talks to me. He spends all his time drinking and cannot even waste a second talking to me. I hide the fact that it bothers me. I hide the fact that I am slowly dying inside, I hide behind this damned mask, and I hide behind all my lies. I want him and I need him in a way that he will never need or want me. Every day it becomes harder and harder to wake up, because I know that I am unloved, unwanted. I look at the mirror and stare at my eyes, my face, my body, and I hate myself. I have never desired to be a girl more than I do when I see Ikkaku walking away with one. I can smile and pretend that nothing bothers me. I can laugh and tease him, but there is a void in my mind. I clench my fist as tightly as possible and hit the mirror. I watch with a twisted sort of satisfaction as my reflection shatters. I ignore the blood running down my arms.
As I stare at the fracture reflections I wonder what Ikkaku would feel, would do, if he came home and found me dead. He would probably be relieved. I guess that is why I do this to myself. The fact that my most precious person can ignore my existence so completely is the reason I hate myself. It is the reason why I hurt myself. I know that I need help, that I am suffering from some sort of depression, but when I think about how Ikkaku glares at me when he catches me staring. I know that he would not help me through treatment nor would he understand. He would probably leave me in a heartbeat. He would be glad that I am gone. Ikkaku saved me once a long time ago and I am grateful for the live he gave me, but I cannot stand this existence anymore. I walk into Ikkaku's room and crawl under his covers. I have done this so many times. The sheets smell like Ikkaku as I knew they would. I love his scent. It is strong and comforting. I finally let the tears run down my face as I recall all the times I have failed him. I weep for everything I never did, for everything I never said, for the failure I am, and for the secrets that I will take with me to my grave.
I can no longer remember when these thoughts started to haunt my waking moments. I cannot remember when I started to act this way and I cannot bring myself to care. Time passes as I bit my lip to keep my sobbing to a minimum. I drag myself up and walk to our small kitchen. I grab the knife that I hid there. I walk, calmly, to the bathroom. My mind is empty of all the bitterness. I find that I do not care anymore, the world is a bitch and she won. When I first met Ikkaku I told him that I would end up killing myself. I know he thought it was a joke, but a part of me always knew that this is where we would end up. As I sit down I cannot help but hope that he does not feel bad. I hope that he learns to forgive me for being so selfish. I hope that he finds someone to love that can cherish him as I do, and I hope that he will think fondly of me. As I raise the knife I hope for so many things that I know are dreams. I let the knife bite into my skin. There is only silence I do not cry out nor do I whimper or gasp at the pain. I lost Ikkaku. I lost my sanity and my joy for loving him, but if I could do all of this again I would suffer through all those days just so I could see him and make sure that he is happy, safe, and sound.
The world is slowly fading to black and I feel myself slipping further into the darkness. As I finally fall to the ground I feel the tears rolling down my face. I wonder when I started crying again. He will be the one to find me and a part of me hopes that he will find a moment to care about me. It does not matter that I am crying, he knows that I cry at night, and he knows that I cry easily. I am creature who is completely at the beck and call of his emotions. I can feel the darkness dragging me further down, consuming me, destroying me, and I am happy. I will finally stop hating myself. I hear a voice in the darkness. It calls my name. There is so much desperation in it that it temporarily drags me out of the darkness. It cannot be Ikkaku. He does not care, he never will, never did. I smile when I see him, he is blurry and I am delusional, and I try to whisper that I love him. That I am sorry for being a coward and I know that it is too late.
"Yumichika! Please! Yumi! Damn it open your eyes!" I am a pitiful creature I cannot even look at him. His voice lets me know that he cares. Yet, I cannot bring myself to fight against the darkness. I know he cannot save me and I know that he will easily move on. I was never that important to him so what does it matter if my life is wasted. I feel as I am floating away and yet I can hear him screaming something. I cannot tell what it is. As I finally fade completely I feel as if I have missed something important. Something that should have been obvious.