Disclaimer: I'm not JKR. These characters aren't mine. 'Nuff said.
Author's Note: One-shot. Wanting to try James' perspective after an event. I believe that I allude to it enough, but if I'm too vague and you can't figure it out I'll tell you. Enjoy – reviews are much loved. And note that this is only my version of what happens. I've tried to stick with Canon, and I hope that it shows. Not an AU fic.
Firelight flickers across the faces of my best friends, darkening their features considerably while also embalming them in a warm glow.
She is over there, and I can't help but throw a furtive glance every few minutes. She scowls every time, and I bite my lip and stare into the fire as they are all doing.
I've no idea why she is here. In a way, she doesn't deserve it. Not really. Not like we do. I wonder why she's here again before losing myself to the flickering of light quality that can distract me so.
I notice him, looking at me. I feel almost bad for him – but not really. Nor after what he did. It burns to see the look of hurt and wanting of forgiveness that is etched on his face. I'd noticed him shooting glances at Moony as well, but he just glowers and ignores him. Why is he out here? He should be out, harassing first years or whatever it is that prefects do.
But then, he's probably not allowed out either. Or at least strongly discouraged. Like me and Sirius, and Peter as well. Funny, how we always forget Peter. He's such a big softie that he probably doesn't even care.
I know she's been trying to wheedle information out of us all day. I even caught her talking to Snape, as she seems to know he was involved. And he was. I'm sure he didn't say anything, because she's still here with us. She's cornered us already, Peter first, and then Sirius and then me. I hadn't believed it when she approached me to talk- I should have known it wasn't about me. I wish.
She glares at me again, although I hadn't looked at her this time. I wonder what's up when I see Remus stand up, grimacing and walk determinedly out of the room. I see he ignores Sirius, who is desperately trying to catch his eye. Now he's gone, Sirius is moping and scowling and looking up pleadingly. Like some sort of puppy that's just done something on the carpet and doesn't know what's wrong.
But he's not like that. He's not innocent. He knows it's wrong, he knows what he did. He's been talked to by pretty much every teacher and I'm sure he must know. But the pleading look in his eyes hurts, all the same. Aren't we like brothers?
He knows that all her can do is talk to Peter, because Peter will talk with him. I don't think Peter's really forgiven him already, but he'll talk. He'll talk with anyone. Normally Remus is like that too, but sometimes he just gets pushed too far.
Now she's getting up, too, and I notice that she's heading for the Boy's Dormitories instead of her own. She catches my eye as I look up to her, and to my surprise a mild blush forms, but she goes up nonetheless. Probably to talk to Moony, as he is the only one she hasn't gotten to yet.
Peter is whispering quietly to him, as they sit on the couch. I realize that it's late… Everyone else has gone to bed long ago. Just us three sit up here, brooding.
The conversation gets louder, until Sirius laughs unexpectedly and then looks rather grim again, patting Wormtail on the shoulder and bringing his knees up close to him.
I'm not sure how I feel about this all. It seems…. Foreign. Awkward. Nothing has ever brought us apart like this. We have always talked. Well, nearly always. Sirius always has, Merlin knows. Moony doesn't really. He just listens and nods and seems about to say something but only smiles. Peter will blurt out something so unexpected that you're not sure it's him, but then you smile because he wants to be included now and it gives him more depth.
And Lily – well, she is probably even more unexpected than Peter. Sometimes she'll join us out here when we pass butterbeer around and she'll join in with a story about something ludicrous about her sister, or what her muggle parents have done. And it makes me like her even more – if that's even possible.
And she's descended the staircase now and raises an eyebrow at us three and then goes up to her own dormitory.
Padfoot doesn't look as if he'll go to bed for a long time. He might even sleep out here, although it's never sure. Peter might stay out here with him if he thinks that Sirius needs him, which he probably will. He is a needy git, it's true.
Then I'm rising, rubbing my temple and looking at Sirius for the first time in a while, with a glance that I hope says 'I'm sorry'. I think that he understands, because he clenches his jaw and looks down at his feet, and I know that he will stay out here.
I had better go talk to Remus now. He probably needs it. He might have actually talked to Lily – I knew that they were close. Close in a way I envied. She won't talk to me directly, only to us all, or to the others. But not me. It brings an odd sensation to my stomach that I can't quite name, but I know that I am jealous of my werewolf friend. I know that it's shameful and completely inappropriate in light of current events, but I am.
Entering out shared dorm room, I see that he is sitting up, huddled in his warm blankets and munching a bar of chocolate thoughtfully. My eyes haven't really adjusted to the darkness yet, but I hear munching and I know that it's chocolate because that's what he eats when he's depressed. Like a moody girl, really. It almost makes me laugh. Almost.
I sit down on Sirius's bed, which is across from his. I rub my eyes and nod towards the chocolate, and he blinks and hands me a square. It tastes good, as chocolate generally does, and it makes me feel a little better.
I know that I need to talk to him, but the words are hard coming out. I consider a joke, but that would seem like something that Sirius would do, and I don't want to send him more into his shell.
"It's not your fault, you know." I say, thinking it a good start.
He stares; blank eyed at his chocolate and then stuffs it into his mouth and crunches it thoughtfully.
After a rather tense silence, he wrinkles his nose and sighs.
"It isn't." He agrees, looking at me directly for the first time. I see how weary he looks, and I know that it isn't his normal full-moon-weary.
"If Padfoot hadn't been so damn stupid…" He hissed.
The bitterness is an unpleasant tone, much different from his normal calm, half-joking way of speech. I know that he really hates this all.
"It's not just him. You know its Snivellus, but you don't want to blame it all on him because you'll look like a prat if you do." I say, furrowing my brow and looking him.
"James, I never would have thought you knew me so well." He half sighed.
I am rather appalled – he is one of my best friends. Alright, second best. Well, I don't think of him much. He's just always there. But I do know him. I have been around him since practically first year.
It seems that all has been said that is needed, and a certain tension that had been hanging in the air collapses. I am grateful.
He flops down onto the bed, tossing the empty chocolate bar wrapper into the garbage bin and I am rather amazed that he has eaten it all. That little bit was far too much for me.
He just stares blankly at the canopy of his bed and taps the side of the blanket thoughtfully.
Finally, I burst out what I had wanted to ask from the start.
"What did Lily say to you?" I asked, rather urgently.
He sat up, and I was surprised to see a faint blush he was trying to conceal.
"What do you think?" He said quietly. "She was asking me about last night."
I nodded. My suspicions had been correct.
Unwilling to leave it be now, I plowed on.
"And? Did you tell her anything?"
Remus turns away, looking at the window behind him.
"She already knew some things. She knew who was involved, and had a faint suspicion. She's very smart, you know." He said in an even tone, his jaw set, turning back towards me.
I rolled my eyes.
"Yes, Moony, I know. But what did you, specifically tell her?"
An annoyed look flickers across his face before he controls it and grimaces again.
"I didn't say much. I felt that she ought to know a little, because she wouldn't tell."
I raise an eyebrow.
"She knows? About you?"
He looks away again, and furrows his brow.
"She knows." He says quietly again.
I blink rapidly, but calm myself down and stare at the pillow. We don't say anything for a while, but I know he's regretting telling me.
He gets up and shuffles through his trunk, searching for something. I concede that he didn't find it though, as he sits back down empty handed.
"You two are… Good friends, then?" I say finally, trying to keep the accusatory note out of my voice. He doesn't notice it, luckily.
"Yes." He says rather thickly, and I notice he sounds a little sad.
"How did she find out?" I asked, scratching my ear.
"She just did. Last Christmas, in Fifth year because the holidays. She just told me that she knew, and that she didn't want me to worry about her noticing any more, because she knew."
I puzzle over this, and wonder how long they've been close. I don't really want to know, to tell the truth.
"Does it really matter, Prongs?" He says, looking up at me, his expression unreadable.
"She's friends with everyone. You know she's close with Snape, even if you try and ignore it. We're just friends."
It may be my imagination, but that last part sounds rather bitter. I don't want to think about this, I really don't.
I sigh, and get up.
"Of course it doesn't." I say, patting him on the shoulder.
"I'm going to bed, Moony." I announce as I walk towards my own bed. "You're going to have to talk to Sirius again eventually, and I know he'll really appreciate it. Thank you for letting me talk to you."
The last word comes out as half a sigh as I lay down in my bed, and close my eyes, pretending to be in the throes of bliss.
He sighs, shuffles around and then I hear a crinkle of packaging and him lying down, as well as some surreptitious munching.
I pretend to be asleep until the noises stop and I'm sure he's asleep before letting sleep come and take me, and even then it's filled with questions and nightmares and more things I don't want to know.