MeMoirs oF a RunAway PrincEss
Record 01:
bLamE iT oN tHe ALcoHoL
I blame the booze.
Did you know booze is called liquid courage? That's because one sip and you can LOSE YOUR FUCKING MIND. You think I'm lying don't you? DON'T YOU? Well fuck you! I can even prove it. Booze is the reason (probably) while I'm here- 17, with an armful of shiny thingies and a fricken monster pack on my back, running like all hell is after me in smack dab in the middle of nowhere.
Seriously.
I mean it's not every day you run off with your families' crown jewels I suppose. Go figure. What? Quit looking at me like that! It's not that I'm a bad girl or anything, I just happen to have um well…I can't really call it 'sticky fingers'…more like a…oh….kleptomaniac tendency. And no I'm not that kind of psychopath that steals for the SEXUAL THRILL. I would if that was my kink though. What's my kink? Hair pulling. Grab me, maybe throw me over the knee and go to town-
-I really DO have problems don't I?
…um…maybe I'm just kidding. Why would an innocent girl like me be into something so perverted? Especially an under aged chick whose daddy dearest was a rich bitch? Oh damn. Rambling.
Riiight…..back to the reason why I'm running full speed through the woods in the middle of the night, my undies riding high and giving me a case of swamp ass I never before dreamed of, huffing and puffing like a fat kid on a tread mill, carrying a shitload of shiny-es. Shiny-es? Is that even a word? Or is it shinies? Shiny? Shiny thingies? Yeah we'll leave it at that. Dammit.
Anyway, allow me to tell you the epic story of my grief- and love. And of course, can't have a story without an evil plot to annihilate humanity as we know it right? It's a story filled with insane nut jobs, high speed car chases, bad guys, mission impossible to the tenth power, and a whole lotta boom boom.
It's a story that will quite literally make you vomit from the insanely epic randomness of it, make you laugh until milk shoots out of your nose, or possibly make you wonder for the ten thousandth time why you are still reading this shit. But, seriously, why are you? You don't have anything better to do or something than worry about the life and drama of a kleptomaniac princess and her zombified man bitch? Oh damn. Didn't mean to go there yet. Er…nothing to read here, carry on.
Any who, this will likely have you in tears, crying for the fate of the white flower of the Wutai household, the gorgeous lily of the field, the wonder-fully brilliant…wonder-fully? Where the hell do these weird words come from?
Anyway, let us go back…to the very beginning….whoooo…..I hear sound affects help this thing go by faster…oooooo…..are you flashbacking with me yet? Whooo…oooo AND WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STILL HERE? ENTER THE DAMN FLASHBACK ALREADY. Gawd.
….I swear if I look up one more time and you're still there….
The noble Wutai.
In this, modern day times, it was a family whose power and wealth were still endless, and whose noble origins linked back to the most powerful of kings . The Wutai clan was a family of noble minded beings, groomed for positions of power since birth. Their titled 'princes' were noble, courageous, fearless men, also known as being fierce fighters, per clan rules. And their 'white roses' or 'princesses' were even more so- they were groomed to be gorgeous, impeccable beauties, regal and noble, yet filled with compassion and womanly strength.
And so these descendants were…until the 5th generation leader Godo had a daughter. And things just went downhill from there.
This was Yuffie Kisaragi, currently the 23rd 'white rose' (or more like wild rose) of the Wutai. Who also (unfortunately) happened to be a simple minded, rambling, systematically insane, underdeveloped kleptomaniac ditz prone to bouts of unexplainable randomness- especially when she was bored.
And the princess was bored.
She sat, the damn kimono sash tied around her waist so tightly she felt for sure that her ribs were collapsing even as they spoke- they being the old grandmas and grandpas, that stupid Godo, and that fat flabby excuse for a fiancée whose head was shaped like a hambone. They were sitting here, smiling and toasting to a union that she didn't give a flying fuck about. Damn old people. Damn ham bone headed babies. Damn drunk fathers who set up arranged marriages with their children over poker.
Here she was, wearing the kimono of broken backs, the death trap heels of doom, the heavy earrings of stretched lobes, the diamond crick-in-the-neck-necklace, the whore make up of sluttiness, and the corset of snapped ribs underneath- not to mention the serious case of swamp ass this damn thong was giving her!
She didn't even pretend to smile- she grimaced, and hoped she made that face where Godo told her she looked like a smiling pig on crack. Hell, she had half a mind to belch, or lean back and rip a fart so horrendously awful that it would make their eyes bleed and their noses slide off of their faces like jelly on a wall. Not that she'd thrown jelly at a wall just to hear the sound it made mind you. Wait. There was that one time…nah but that had been peanut butter. And peanut butter didn't count.
No- the depths of this boredom ran so deeply that it bordered on insanity. Yes…any moment now, she was going to flip the damn table, strip down to her bra and panties, and run screaming out the room singing the peanut butter jelly song. But that one wasn't crazy enough…she had to sing something that would strike terror into the hearts of all who heard her…it must be something that would chill the marrow in the bones of all around her- something that would haunt them ever after unto death…she would sing the….SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS THEME SONG!
They would hear it hours after she sung it! It would annoy the hell out of them all day! They'd never be able to get it out of their damn heads! She cackled to herself, rubbing her hands together under the table. Oh how their ears would suffer…
"Ladies and Gentlemen! If you will!"
She looked up, her eyes raising towards the man at the other length of the elaborate table, a bold man who eloquently raised his glass high. She wanted to tie him down and pluck out everyone of his nose hairs with a pair of tweezers. Or maybe strip him naked and throw him in a gay bar and hope he got ass raped. But maybe she would save the last one for ham bone head beside her. He didn't think she saw that fat, grubby hand reaching for hers on the table. She felt her pulse begin to tick, and before she knew it, she lifted her chopsticks high and brought them down full force on the back of his hand.
He squealed like a pig and jerked his hand away, his beady eyes staring at her wounded from the depths of his flabby face. She smiled sweetly.
"Oh my! I'm SO sorry! I'm just rather shy! So maybe we should hold all of that off until we're legally married and bound forever and ever ever in the never ending hell that is holy matrimony?"
She inwardly smirked.
Haha fatty.
No nookie for you.
And he wasn't going to get any either, if she had anything to say about it- (which she didn't) so she was pretty much fucked either away. Legally binding contracts be damned!
The room of respectable people quieted down as her father- the most respectably respectable of them all- cleared his throat to make his announcement.
"I'm glad that you could all make it here tonight, for this- my lovely daughter Yuffie's and my future son in law Harold's union- I couldn't be happier to see such a wonderful couple joined together in holy matrimony."
And then he clapped, and the old people clapped, and Harold's happy ass clapped and she threw up in her mouth a little.
"Although my daughter still seems a little nervous- as a proper bride should be- I have no doubt that she will make a fitting wife for Harold"-she wondered if he would say that after Harold rolled over on her in bed and smothered her to death with his fat rolls. Squish Squash. Bye bye Yuffie.
"And I pray that in the future, my lovely daughter makes me even happier by providing this family with its next prince or princess!"
Cheers and shouts abounded all around. And she smiled and bobbed her head agreeably even though she looked at Harold and knew there was no chance in hell she was going to let that pork chop get on top of her. She'd rather eat her own eyeballs with fudge and sprinkles with a cheery on top thank you very much.
She turned away from him, grabbing her wine glass and filling it to the brim. She was going to need to be drunk as a skunk to make it through all of this shit. She threw it back, the warm buzz sating her temper a little, and she didn't hesitate to pour another of the five hundred dollar a bottle wine- hey, daddy was paying right? She'd show him alright! She was going to sit here, sulk, and drink booze until her breath stunk to high heaven, and then she was going to run around breathing in every body's faces. Hell why drag it out any longer than she had to? She threw back another glass amid the pleasant murmurs of the old fuckers she was quickly beginning to hate more than usual.
"In fact- I'm feeling like a sated old grandpa just looking at the two of them! And I have therefore made the decison that I will not hold these two off any longer- and that tomorrow, we shall go ahead and hold the wedding!"
She'd just raised her seventh glass to her lips when he announced it, and she turned and spurted a shower of booze water and spit directly into Harold's face. Harold grimaced, dabbing at his face with a embroidered handkerchief as her mouth dropped and her stomach fell into her feet. There was NO WAY this could be happening. But seeing the proud look on daddy-fuck-him-dearest it was way happening.
As everyone around the elegant table burst into applause, she dabbed at her mouth with her napkin, even though she wanted to turn to Harold and barf in his face.
Damn damn double damn, damnation, damnfiggity, damniggity, DAMN.
She'd thought she had more time to convince him otherwise, thought she'd had more time to beg, plead. bitch and moan to him how fucking UNFAIR everything was! But she'd be damned if he hadn't read her mind and beat her to it! Was he that willing to part with her, and finally let her be someone else's problem? She was fucked. With this new upset, she was dead meat.
The old people were practically stroking out and having heart attacks with happiness, and her dad was so concerned about her eggo getting preggo, and adding up the cash money he was going to rake in off of her, that he wasn't caring a rat's ass about her feelings. And fatso hambone pork chop beside her was looking at her like he'd just walked into Mcdonald's during happy hour.
She couldn't breathe. She was so keyed up, so pissed off, that she knew it wouldn't take much to make her go boom-
"To mark this momentous occasion and the union between our households- I say let us have a kiss!"
"Yes! Wonderful! Let the two kiss!"
Harold grabbed her shoulders, spun her towards him, and smacked his fleshy lips ( AND OH GOD HE HAD LETTUCE IN HIS TEETH) squinting his beady eyes, so close up on her she could smell the potatoes and gravy on his breath. Oh hell naw.
There comes a time in every girl's life where they lose their freaking minds- and maybe it was just her time. Perhaps it was her boredom, bordering on insanity- or perhaps it was Harold, who of course was at fault for being such a flabby fat ass. Or-(as it always is) it was the root of all evil- alcohol. Who the hell let's an under aged bride guzzle down wine? The Wutai, that's who. Tradition be damned. She was blaming it on the alcohol.
She raised her leg, took her death trap heels of doom, and socked his flabby ass right in where she was sure his nonexistent penis was. As if he could find it under all that flab. Damn. Too late to bet him a dollar to find his penis.
Harold gave a horrific screech of pain, like a cat being flushed down the toilet, and fell back onto the table flopping like a beached whale. The entire table flipped up from his weight, and dishes rained from it on the shocked spectators sitting around it watching in horror.
Mrs. Wong's hair got covered in potato salad, wine spilled all over Mr. Chi's new kimono, Ms. Lee slipped in salad dressing and fell on Mr. Ho, and Mr. Chong laughed so hard he went into cardiac arrest. There were screams, yelling, curses thrown- people sliding in food and falling flat on their backs, broken hips and bones thrown out of wack.
And it was all so beautiful- and she realized there had never been a moment where she had been so proud of herself. Almost made her want to tear up a little. She, Yuffie Kisaragi, with one well aimed kick-had single handedly ruined her engagement party in five seconds flat! That just had to be a record! Where was Guinness when you needed 'em?
Suddenly, the table was flipped over again, sending Harold flying through the air like a sack of dead chickens and causing him to fall right on top of Mr. Lee, who had been too busy having an asthma attack to notice. It was Godo who'd done it, inhuman rage written all over his face. He stormed through the chaotic crowd with all the fury of a raging wildebeest, and she blanched.
"YUFFIE KISARAGI!!!"
Shit.
Time to boogie.
She kicked off her heels, and one quite accidentally (but not really) hit old man Godo right between the eyes, and he went down like a ton of bricks.
She pumped her fist, grinning in victory. Score! Yuffie-1! Old farts who arrange marriages for their teenage daughters-0! She ripped the earrings of stretched lobes from her ears, snatched off the diamond necklace of snapping necks , and scrubbed the whore's make up of sluttiness from her face. She threw the jewel's on her father's chest, pausing to blow a raspberry in his face.
"Fuck you, fuck this wedding, fuck Harold…eww. No. Anyway, fuck all you old people, and fuck this family! I'm tired of being a fricken proper lady, I'm tired of not being able to go anywhere without having to tag along with human meat puppets! I want to see the world, I want to wear a shirt above my navel, I want to wear booty shorts, I want to go clubbing, and I want a hot boyfriend, not some flabby fat ass with a hambone shaped head!"
She ground the words out with a huff, pausing to regain her breath. And for a moment there- she almost felt kind of bad. She had just publicly humiliated him in front of his big wig corporate buddies, trashed his party for her, and ruined an outfit whose total worth was possibly a million bucks. So when he woke up, not only would he be embarrassed, but he would be ashamed, saddened- he wouldn't be able to show his face for months! Not to mention he would lose out on the billion dollar merger that was going to occur when she married Harold. After the aftermath of her massive temper tantrum- she should be guilty. This was the part of the story where the naughty princess was supposed to beg for forgiveness from her father, and sacrifice her own happiness for the sake of the clan.
Pssh. What the hell did they think this was, Lifetime? Fuck that.
She lifted up her foot, and slammed it right into her Father's belly. His suit button popped, ricocheting off the wall and slamming right into Harold's eye as he struggled to get up off , and he went down again like Moby dick.
And then, because she knew he hated it when she cursed- "uncouth" he called it- she spat a few more choice words into his face.
"Fuckity Fuck fuck! DAMN SHIT DAMN MOTHER FUCKING BITCH BALLS."
She ripped open the kimono, chucking the fabric onto the head of Mr. Cho, who she knew was a closet pervert and would probably go into one of his smell induced sexual highs. She ran from the elaborate meeting room, in the corset of broken backs and the thong of swamp assiness, barefoot down the hall and to her room.
She knew she didn't have time- her father would no doubt sound the alarm momentarily any moment now, to sort out the chaos and drag her back in there, and make her eat carpet while he ground out a million apologies. But she didn't regret it- that was a word that wasn't in her vocabulary. She was aware of her own actions (most of the time) and she'd known that something like this was coming, sooner or later.
She was a 'princess' of the Wutai clan, and as befitting such a noble lineage, she'd been forced since she could walk to comply with the most boring shit imaginable. Etiquette classes- with a bunch of kowtowing and pussy footed embroidering. Who the hell still embroidered these days anyway? Pansies, that's who. Hell, clothing that showed skin was considered 'distasteful' and anything above the ankles was 'scandalous'- what the hell was this? Medieval times? The programs she could watch, the materials she could read- all censored, due to the fact that some things would 'hinder her advancement into a pristine and well bred lady'. Hell, she wouldn't have even learned her favorite 'sentence enhancers' if it weren't for lazy guards, or even the true world that was out there (and not that happy go lucky shit they always showed her) were it not for misplaced magazines by the maids and help.
Not to mention all those frickin balls and galas, where she had to fight drooling brain dead in a corner while all of her cousins bragged about their Gucci bags and imported dresses straight from Paris, their snotty rich country-club, golfing, white collar husbands and the size of their diamond rings. Fuck that.
She wanted more out of her life than this superficial way of living, wanted more than this sheltered environment, these snotty rich kids without a shred of honesty. She wanted to live dammit, not just exist. People said all the time that they were lucky to be living so comfortable, but that was nothing but bullshit. Sure they lived comfortably, but what had they lost in exchange? Freedom. The Wutai family couldn't go for a Sunday drive without being in an armored car, couldn't walk outside without a hoard of bodyguards and bullet-proof vests, couldn't even eat without some poor fool taste testing their food first. This kind of life- wasn't the one she wanted.
The only cool part about this lifestyle, if nothing else, was the fact that she had been raised according to the age old Wutai tradition that existed even in these modern times, of teaching all the women the basic ninja arts. The only pleasure she could get in this boring place was the fact that she could knock out goons as much as she pleased and not get sued for it! Sure, swinging giant shruiken at people and watching them piss their pants and run for cover was hella cool, but it didn't overshadow how meaningless her life was here.
Sure, Godo, for all his bitchassness, was a decent father, but in the end she was the same to him as she was to everyone else. A glorified pawn. Sure, she could be a naive imbecile 95% of the day, but she wasn't so stupid that she didn't know the only reason the Wutai clan had 'princesses' was to expand the family lineage, and throw them to the wolves if need be.
Bottom line was that she was tired of all this rich girl crap.
Hell, she wanted to live in a dangerous area, where she would have to carry a gun in her purse, she wanted to go out after midnight, she wanted to…to get mugged in a back alley for god's sake!
…okay maybe not that one, but you get the idea.
She kicked open the door, and hurriedly locked it behind her, barely registering the horrible filthiness of her room and-HOLY FLYING SHITCAKES WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SMELL?!! She hurried to cover her nose in haste, her eyes watering, nearly gagging from the horrible stench in her room. But she didn't have time to remind herself of what a nasty, dirty, whore she was, she had things to do, stuff to steal- oh yeah. Now that was a thought that made the devil-may-care grin come back on her face.
Daddy dearest thought he was going to run her out the house without a goodbye present? The hell. God knows she loved the clan, but when she was done they wouldn't have two nickels between the lot of them. She jumped as a piercing shriek reverberated throughout her room, and she had the good sense to know that it was time to haul ass.
She dived headfirst into the pile of clothing heaped onto her bed, hurriedly pulling on a pair of shorts, literally sucking in her tears as the thong settled even further into the unprotected crack of her fanny. Dear God. How the hell did other women deal with this shit? If becoming a woman meant wearing thongs and back breaking corsets, then for fuck's sake somebody had better call Peter Pan because she was never growing up! It was ludicrous enough that Godo had tried to marry her off at seveneteen! The nerve!
She ran her hands along her back desperately, in a pathetic semi attempt to unleash the hell that was a corset, but blanched when she heard running feet echoing down the hall.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck echoed in her mind like a mantra, as she darted her eyes around her room, her eyes lighting on her wall length dresser. If she could manage to knock it in front of the door, she'd have just enough time to make her epic escape- but that dresser was big as hell- She didn't have time to think! She needed time, and she needed it now! Sucking in a breath, she darted back, and then ran full speed into the dresser- and slammed into it so hard it made her head spin. She fell back flat on her already sore ass, her head pounding.
The dresser barely even budged.
Fail.
"Why you little-!!" she would have loved to have taken a massive chainsaw and make toothpicks out of that damn dresser, when she heard feet pounding right outside her door.
"YUFFIE KISARAGI! OPEN UP THE DOOR AND YOU GO IN THERE AND MARRY HAROLD THIS INSTANT! THEN MAYBE I'LL FORGIVE YOU INSTEAD OF FREEZING ALL YOUR CREDIT CARD ASSETS!"
She whistled at Godo's voice- he sounded pissity piss pissed, if she had to say so for herself. But she blanched again at the thought of marrying that hambone, choking at the thought, as she hurriedly pulled on a dark sleeveless T-shirt and a half jacket. She hurried to pull random bullshit from the back of her brain as she crawled on the floor to locate her high socks, speaking to him in what she knew sounded like a tearful voice.
"B-B-But d-daddy I…I…I'm so s-scared…and I….I d-don't want to leave my home…"
Heart wrenching silence. And then-
"….I suppose so Yuffie. But…you have to understand. I'm not getting any younger these days, and I just want to make sure you're taken care of…"
Hook, line and sucker. She rolled her eyes, wondering for the thousandth time how Godo could be so gullible when it came to her, as she laced up her boots.
"B-But daddy I…I don't want to be alone…"
She said the last plea with a lilt that conveyed a broken heart, smirking in her hand at the speechless silence that met it- damn she was good! Hell, she needed her own sitcom! Not to mention a primetime drama! He was probably looking all sad and depressed now- she felt a little bad for lying to him like that, but eh- what was she supposed to do? Go back out there and marry shit for brains? She'd rather gouge her eyes out with a spoon!
She shuffled around her room, feeling on the ground for a bag, anything- only managing to grasp a monstrously large backpack- and where the hell had she gotten that thing? No time to wonder now…
She ran to her dresser, throwing it open and eyeing her underwear drawer with bliss. 'Oh Cotton briefs, how I have missed thee!' She wanted nothing more than to throw herself into it and roll in panty-induced bliss, but her father's voice broke her happy time.
"Yuffie- how about you come out and we talk about this okay? I'll even forgive you for earlier if you come out now- maybe…if you really think this wouldn't work…I could find you another suitor?"
What the fuck kind of deal was that? Did he really think she was that stupid? If it wasn't Harold it would be someone like him, whose bank account overshadowed their faults. And she was done with that, done with this clan, done with this entire life. She was Yuffie dammit, and she wasn't going to be somebody's stupid baby making trophy wife!
Barely concealing her disgust, she started shoving underwear and random articles of clothing into her bag until it was filled to bursting. She paused as her hand fell on something sharp and curved, struggling to remember what it was- before deciding to hell with it and shoving it in her bag anyway. She stood up, stomping the clothes down into the bag with her foot. Then remembering Godo and his goons at the door, she spit out some more good daughter BS, in the hopes that she would have enough time to get the hell out of here.
"Father…give me a moment to think…"
She hoisted the pack on her back- and damn it was heavy! She wheezed beneath the weight, nearly keeling over if not for her determination. The semi darkness of the room was bad- especially since she had no idea what she had grabbed and stuffed on her back in the dark. She crept along the wall, grinning in relief as she grasped the silk cloth of the curtain, pulling it back to reveal her wall length window that peered onto the city below.
"Yuffie? Have you decided yet?"
She ignored that nagging voice for a moment, her vision trained onto the beauty before her. As always- the view was so breathtaking that she felt her heart lurch to a stop- and then resound with an excitement that went to the tips of her toes. That endlessly dark sky, sprinkled with pinnacles of light- was as beautiful as the blanket of golden stars that was the city below. Hours, endless hours-( or minutes, since her attention span was about as long as a gnat's)- she had stared out on this view, wondering if someday she too could see this world for herself.
It was now or never.
"Yeah Godo. I have."
She slid the door open, the wind whipping about the room and blowing the wisps of her hair about her face. She walked to the edge of her balcony, sucking in a breath as she peered down at the endless darkness below.
Oh shit.
Her stomach dropped to the pit of her belly, and she realized for the first time that what she was about to do could very well kill her. What the hell was she thinking? She slapped her face with both hands, in a attempt to psyche herself up.
She was Yuffie Kisaragi, the 23rd white rose of the Wutai Clan, and a ninja extraordinaire! She knew how to defy gravity for god's sake! But she'd never actually tried…running down…a straight wall before…not to mention a 38 floor complex for that matter. She put her hands on the thin railing, and hoisted herself up, feeling the butterflies in her stomach beginning to panic and eat each other.
She could do this…she could do this- she was not going to fail miserably and go splat like the cat on the sidewalk below, her skull cracked and her brains spilling out like vomit on the paveme- HOLY SHITCAKES SHE COULDN'T DO THIS.
She jumped back off the railing, wondering how long she had before they busted the door down and dragged her happy ass back to her doom and the horrors of marital sex with a flabby girl man.
She was counting down the time until her imminent destruction when suddenly- she looked to her right, and saw another widespread balcony like her own, and for the first time she recalled that Godo's room was right next to hers. Call it fatherly concern, or some kind of sick incest fantasy- Yuffie called it dumb luck. Really, how lucky could she get? She really did love that old fart! And speaking of old fart's-
"Yuffie? Yuffie? Well? What have you decided?"
She grinned, standing up and dusting off her pants as she shimmied back up onto her balcony railing, wishing she could see Godo's face.
"You tell Harold I'll see him in hell m'kay?"
Infuriated silence, and then-
"YUFFIE KISARAGI!!!!"
She made a flying leap of faith as she leaped across onto his balcony, landing like a cat- well like a cat who'd just had an elephant jump on them, as the pack knocked the wind out of her. Damn fabricated item transport units- she was so burning this pack once this was over. She ran to his balcony door, and blanched when she realized it was locked. Of all the times for him to decide to lock his door!
She fumbled for something, anything to use to pick his lock- then she remembered the fifty million hairpins she had smashed into her skull. She pulled one out, sighing with relief as the rest of them fell from her hair in response. The ornate bun that had been pinned in her hair fell to the floor of the balcony, and she was all too happy to punt it over the edge. Good riddance! She rubbed her skull in orgasmic bliss, reveling in the short strands of her own hair without that damn girly bun stabbed into her brain.
She crouched down, squinting in the dark at the small keyhole in the balcony door. Carefully, using the pin, she stuck it into the lock, twisting and turning- almost there, and-
-the alarm went off.
[[BEEP!! BEEP!! INTRUDER ALERT!!! INTRUDER ALERT!!]]
For fuck's sake! How many times could someone fail in one day? She cursed, and she knew it wouldn't be long before Godo and his goon squad realized the alarm was ringing in his room. Deciding to hell with it, she raised her foot and kicked the glass in-
-until she remembered it was bulletproof. Her foot bounced off of the glass like a basketball, and she screamed as she felt a tremor of pain lace up her leg. She cursed and held her foot, hoping around like a flamingo, damning herself once more for her stupidity.
She tried to think, tried to think,- when she backed up against the balcony rail, and something sharp and pointy as hell stabbed her in her back. She yelped like a dog who'd just been shot in the behind, throwing her damned pack of evil from her back and rubbing the sore place. But it wasn't pain that made her eyes tear up. She was out of time, out of luck- nothing to do now but throw a bitch fit and hope Godo didn't sell her to the highest bidder. She sat down, leaning against the balcony rail, pulling up her knees and sighing wistfully as she stared at the city below. From the looks of things- she wouldn't get to see it now- or ever, when Godo caught her.
She sighed wistfully, rubbing at her eyes with the back of her hand, her vision already blurring with tears. She didn't regret the things she did- and honestly, this was the farthest she'd ever gone, the closest she'd ever gotten to attaining freedom from a life of riches.
'So long honest living, here I come five kids, daytime soap operas and the gardening club-'
It was at this moment that subtle light spilled down upon her, pooling into her lap. She turned, and looked up, just in time to behold the full moon bursting from between the dark clouds that had once shadowed it. She stared in awe at its beauty, when in her peripheral vision, something glinted sharply in the dark. She stared at her pack, and there- bursting from the fabric, was the shiny glint of something metal.
She scrambled to her pack on her hands and knees, practically tearing it open, rooting through it until she laid a hold of something cool and biting. Grasping its smooth edge, she pulled it out, her heart pounding. When she held it up to the light, her heart soared. Her practice shruiken!
She fell to her knees in worship, hailing the moon with a creepy shriek of otherworldly praise. She could have eaten her foot, that's how happy she was. She nearly had tears in her eyes as she took the shruiken, now in its folded form, and flipped its four gleaming blades open. She grinned madly in the dark.
Yuffie Kisaragi was back in business.
God must've loved her! She nearly laughed aloud at her lucky break, and grasping the iron circle that linked the four blades, strode to the glass door, unmercifully slashing at its surface. Instantly, a thin line raced along the glass, and the lower half of the door detached and fell in with a piercing crash. She stroke a pose, giving a V for Victory to all her adoring fans-
"They're so many people I would like to thank- My Sensei, for teaching me everything I know, um- Godo for buying his under-aged daughter dangerous weaponry to play with instead of Barbies- Chi Chi, Ming Lee my pet Chihuahuas- I love you guys."
She sniffled with joy, blowing kisses to an imaginary crowd- when she remembered she was supposed to be hauling ass. She slid her shruiken back into its compact form, this time being smart about how she placed it- she couldn't afford to be in the middle of running away and having it stab her in the fanny in mid-stride. Wheezing as she pulled the pack on her back, she stooped down and in through her improvised opening into Godo's room, stepping over broken glass.
Her hand fumbled along the wall for the light switch, but she couldn't find it- then, remembering how much of a rich bitch her father was, she rolled her eyes and clapped her hands. Instantly, the lights came on, illuminating the lavish room, filled with all that useless rich people crap they buy to feel better than everyone else. She took the wall length fish tank for example, filled with everything from cute clown fish to disgusting squids. What the hell did he need a bunch of fish for? And filling an entire wall no less? Rolling her eyes again at the uselessness of it all, she scanned the room, tapping a finger against her lips idly.
'Now…if I was the Wutai family treasure, where would I be?'
She frowned, eyes riveting around the room hastily. Knowing Godo and his simple mind, there was really no telling- but knowing him, it was probably in the stupidest place imaginable. At that thought, her eyes zeroed in on the king sized bed, with its silk sheets and canopy.
…but…there was no way he was that stupid right?
She ran to the bed, ripping open the canopy and tearing the pillows and sheets from the bed, tossing them into a disorganized heap behind her, until she got to the white of the fancy imported mattress. Grasping the edge of it with her hands, she flipped the mattress up and over- and nearly fell out at the black briefcase that lay beneath.
'FOR FUCK'S SAKE WOULD SELF RESPECTING RICH GUY HID HIS FAMILY TREASURE UNDER HIS MATTRESS?'
Godo, that's who. Like Father, like daughter she supposed. Sure, she had a secret candy stash under her mattress, but that wasn't nearly as important as a family heirloom. And speaking of Godo and his never-ending stupidity- she looked up as she heard the clicking of moving fingers over a keyboard- Godo was typing his code into his schmancy fancy security thing-a-ma-bob, and any minute now him and his goons were gonna be all over her like flies on dog poo.
She leaned down to look at the rather ordinary looking briefcase, pondering at what could be in its interior. On its front was a simple keypad, with a small screen blinking with the message: Password required.
She stared at the screen- she'd gotten this far thinking like a drunk old man, so who knew? She ran her fingers over the keyboard, typing the first thing that came to mind.
-Godo-
-Password Denied-
Wutai
-Password Denied-
She frowned, racking her brain as to what his password could be- but it could be anything! She could sit here and type shit all day and still not get it right! She fell back onto the floor, her eyebrows scrunched in thought, her tiny mind spinning with possibilities- knowing Godo, it would be something ridiculous, something he would never, ever think someone would associate with him. So- what was something the exact opposite of Godo's bad ass dad character? Something that if she thought about it and him in the same sentence, it would make her brain explode?
….She shot up, and tried one last time with the password-
-Dora the Explorer-
-….password approved.-
"…"
She honestly didn't know if she should be pleased, scared shitless or pumping her fist, until she heard the latches of the briefcase unlock and the case pop open with a barely restrained hiss. Raising her eyebrow, she leaned forward curious, as white steam poured out from under the open slit of the case. What the hell was in there, Puff the magic dragon? She placed her hands on the case hesitantly, popping it open. Inside, the case was split into two compartments- one, holding another case- the other, a stack of papers. The paper side looked boring, so she popped open the little case, and instantly her eyes were dazzled.
Inside, were a mass of small orbs, gleaming beneath the artificial light with all the colors of the rainbow. They were ingrained with matching color symbols, and in awe, she lifted one of them up to the light, a symbol of flickering flame shining through the orange colored orb.
"Woah…" she murmured to herself as she stared at the beautiful, dazzling orbs.
So this was the Wutai clan treasure? Coooool.
She had been expecting diamonds or something, but what she'd found was much better. She didn't know what the hell they were honestly, she'd never seen anything like them. All she knew now was that they were shiny, cool and hers now. She grinned evilly as she grabbed a handful of them, as many in her arms as she could hold, shoving in her pockets and down her shirt the ones she couldn't.
Then she strayed another glance to the bound papers, and deciding not to be so stingy towards them just because they weren't cool and shiny, she lifted the little packet from its seat and began to read the first one.
[[I thank you in advance for your cooperation with Shinra Incorporations. We shall do our utmost to insure that our illustrious investors remain satisfied with the outcome of our project. Your funding shall help us make notable improvements in our protomateria research, and we at Shinra Inc. are confident in our ability to use such research to resolve the current energy crisis. We only ask that out investors maintain the utmost patience, until such a time as our findings have reached fruition and can be formally presented to the board of directors for finalities.
Thanking you again for your generous donation,
Lucrecia Crescent
Co- Chairman of Shinra Research Department]]
She frowned, scratching her head at all the mumbo jumbo she'd just read, trying to make sense of it with her underdeveloped brain. Something , something Shinra, something something protomateria- eh, she gave up. She couldn't help but notice though, that it was dated quite awhile ago- 40, no, maybe 30 years ago? Daaamn, she'd known Godo was old, but from the date of this he should be ancient! Shuffling through the papers, she picked another at random, holding it up to the light.
[[We at Shinra Inc. apologize immensely for the immeasurable loss that has occurred at Recon. Lab #227, 'Shinra Manion'. We at Shinra both acknowledge and regret the loss of intell that has occurred due to the chemical mishap involving the protomateria research also mourn the loss of those dedicated researchers and staff who were fatally harmed in the accident, and send our condolences to the families.
As such, we have hereby decided to temporarily shut down the research project so as not to have any more regrettable circumstances occur. However, we are also aware of the millions lost in equipment due to the accident, and per request we will be giving to our more illustrious investors a sample of what Shinra Inc. has thus far been striving for. I have presented it to you in a few of Shinra's most notable and irreplaceable treasures, discovered with years of careful research- Materia.
Materia, as you may or not know, is an ancient and rare energy source harvested by our ancestors, that encompassed the very essence and raw power of the elements. However, the knowledge involved in creating this very potent energy source has dwindled with the passing of millennia, and as such what you hold in your hands now, is merely a prototype that Shinra Inc has developed using our current technologies. Although it is nothing compared to the known power of the original 'Materia' it is proof that soon, Shinra will no doubt be able to find an economically stable cure for the current energy crisis in due time.
However, the chemical make-up of these prototypes are currently unstable, and I recommend that they not be tampered with in any way shape or form- but I leave it up to you to decide whether or not personal experience with them shall sate your curiosity once more as to the ultimate goal of the Chaos project.
However, if you do so, do so with extreme caution.
Hojo
Chairman of Shinra Research Department]]
She scanned through the letter again, but this one made waaay more sense to her teenage brain. Apparently, the cool shiny ball thingies that were currently rolling out of her shirt and bursting her pants pockets were called 'Materia.' She looked at one curiously- this one was a sky blue, with a funny squiggle of lines etched into it. From what that Hojo guy had said, then what she was holding was some kind of ancient caveman super powered kryptonite or something. But the stuff he was saying- an Energy Crisis? How could that be true, with the city so bright and shiny looking below her balcony window? It obviously must be solved by now- she was reading some old man's love letter to Godo after all- it had to be, with this much ass kissing. 'Illustrious Investors' they said- she rolled her eyes. Obviously they had never met Godo in person, or they would know how much of a douche he was.
But still- this 'Shinra Corp' had really been planning to use this ball thingy to power cities and stuff? She eyed it doubtfully, tossing its weight up and down in her hand. It seemed highly unlikely to her. 'Extreme Caution' he'd said, 'not to be tampered with' he'd said. She scoffed. As if this glowing jawbreaker could do anything-
A body slammed into hers with all the force of a rampaging elephant, and she went down almost as hard as her grandma had at the Wutai formal gathering when she found out her hundred year old hubby had been cheating on her with some Anna Nicole wanna be.
She felt the wind whoosh out of her lungs as happy ass goon number one over her held her down with both hands, not even giving her time to breathe before he was shoving her face back down into the carpet. She cursed inwardly, as she tried to spit out the fake fur lodged in her throat. Dammit! That's what she got for taking the time to read stuff for once! From here on out, she was never reading shit again!
Suddenly a shiny black boot appeared in front of her face, and she gulped as she looked up the length of that towering form to behold the red face of her father, at what seemed miles above her. She smiled sheepishly.
"H-hey Godo! Um…what brings you here?"
His face was dark, flushed so red that she could imagine a blood vessel bursting in his forehead. And his voice was so friggen scary when he answered her, that she could have shat bricks, so dark and dismal were his words.
"This. Is. My. Room."
Ho shit. She blanched. Rambling time.
"…of course it is…you're probably wondering what I'm doing in here huh? Well I um……needed some toilet paper. Seriously, that sushi at the table ran right through me, and I didn't want to squat down and be screwed so I decided to just waltz on over here and get some. But your door was locked so I had to jump on the balcony- but then the balcony door was locked so I had to break the window, and then your bathroom didn't have toilet paper and I was like 'What the fuck?' and I had to use something so I thought about just using your bed sheets cause I reeaaaallly had to go but then once I'd got them off I realized your mattress was turned label side up and you should never turn a mattress label side up so I flipped it over and when I did I saw this briefcase and I was like 'Kick Ass!' cause maybe you're like, a super spy or something so I decided to open it and see if you had like cool gizmos inside but I didn't know the password so I started guessing and it accidentally opened and all these orbs were inside and I was all 'Cool! Shiny!' and-"
"Yuffie Kisaragi."
Oh damn.
He had that –you're-about-to-get-hell tone in his voice- it was too late now to wish she'd made a break for it when she had a chance- but no, she just had to give him the final 'fuck you!' by trying to steal the Wutai family jewels. Damn her and her love for drama! She'd hadn't really believed that she would get caught after breaking into his room, but she'd gotten so happy that she'd let her guard down- dammit! She lowered her head in shame, as she met his eyes, and saw the sadness in them. And despite her earlier promise, regret hit her like a ton of bricks.
"Yuffie. I am very disappointed in you. Now only did you ruin the engagement party, harmed your guests, your fiancée- you even went so far as to try and steal from me. Your own father? Is nothing beneath you? Or did you loath life beneath me so much? Have I not given you anything you ever wanted? Have I not given you everything you desired? The best schooling, the best clothes, the best of everything- and now you spoiled little brat, you don't even want to pay me back for everything I've done for you?"
She bit her lip, sneakily maneuvering the shiny orbs into her arms, grasping tight to the one she still held in her hand as she looked defiantly into his eyes.
"You never gave me the one thing that mattered."
He scowled at her, and in return she stuck her tongue out at him. His frown further deepened, especially as he viewed the few orbs rolling across the floor that she wasn't laying on. He bent down to pick one up, his frown deepening even further, until his entire face was suddenly overwhelmed by a deep shadow. And his face lowered to hers, his eyes clearly bulging, the vein in his forehead pulsating beneath his skin. And this time when he spoke to her, it was with barely contained restrain- words uttered so strongly she winced at the spittle coming out of his mouth as he ground them out.
"You little fool. Do you have any idea what these are!? Do you have any idea how dangerous these things are? Give the rest of them to me right now!"
Woaaaah- his voice was border line psycho maniac now, but he'd already made a big mistake. He'd demanded to her that she give him something- with his glaring eyes and frown, it was obvious that he really wanted those shinnies. Sucked for him, because she'd called them first. She pouted, scowled, and got ready for war. Bitch fit mode had just been activated.
"No."
He ground his teeth together, his hands clenched into tight little fists. He looked as if he would've liked nothing better to drag her up and punch her. Shame she hadn't been a boy.
"Now. Yuffie."
"No way Jose."
"Yuffie."
"Nu uh."
"Yuffie, you don't have any idea what you're holding its-"
"Yeah, yeah Materia, blah blah blah."
His eyes widened even further, and he staggered back, his brows arched high above his flashing pupils. He pointed an accusing finger at the briefcase, which was still gaping open like a traitor. She glared at the briefcase, mentally willing it to snap shut. No such luck.
"You…you read those?"
She looked away, feigning ignorance.
"I plead the fifth."
"Yuffie-"- and suddenly it got even scarier, because Old man Godo was beginning to look like he'd just stepped on a baby –"Yuffie…please tell me you don't know anything about what was in that briefcase. Please tell me you don't know anything."
His eyes were pleading with her, begging her- and suddenly for the most bizarre reason, she began to get scared. Suddenly, he was making this seem bigger than just her escape her wedding/get-away plan. He was making this into some freaky Friday shit. Hell, he was looking at her as if Michael Myers was about to hop out the fish tank swinging a bloody machete!
….she looked over her shoulder just in case. No Michael Myers…yet. She glared at the squid floating so casually along, her eyes narrowed. 'I'm on to you Squidward.'
"Yuffie!"
She snapped back to attention, and gave Godo's pleading face a shaky smile.
"Well…hypothetically speaking…I may have read one…or two. But of course, don't mind me, I'm drunk off my ass. I can prove it too, watch. Would a sane person do this?"
She crossed her eyes, letting her mouth gape open like a rotting fish and began making 'duh' noises that made her sound mentally handicapped. She rolled her eyes around in her skull, and began repeatedly banging her head into the floor. The goon holding her down was beginning to give her that look that the nanny gave her when she caught her trying to eat her goldfish. The 'What the fuck is wrong with this chick?' look that was the family favorite when it came to her.
She grinned into the goon's face, barely getting started. 'You ain't seen nothing yet kiddo.'
She lifted her head again, slobbering, snorting like a pig- but she shot up to quick, and her head accidentally rammed right into goon guy's face over her. He reeled back clutching his nose, running blindly into the other goon that had followed Godo into the room and stood behind him trying to look all bad ass.
Goon number two stumbled backwards from the impact of bleeding-nose-guy, and slipped on a stray materia that had rolled innocently beneath his feet. Together, they collapsed against the fish tank with such impact that the glass shattered, salt water pouring gushing all over them in an endless stream.
"OH MY GOD!! MY EYES!!! MY FUCKING EYES!!" Goon number two screamed, rubbing his eyes, currently filled with salt water, he stumbled around blindly, slipped on a flopping fish, and fell head first into the wall, slamming into it so hard a crack raced through the plaster. Instantly, he flopped back like a dead man, his eyes lolling around in his head. Bleeding-nose-goon didn't have it any better- when the tank exploded over his head, Squidward the giant squid latched onto his bald head with seemingly innocent glee like a kid with a lollipop.
He ran around the room in a panic, a muffled scream filling the room as he pulled futilely at the squid's tentacles. She, in her heroine style glory, was staring around dumbly , when bleedy-nose-tentacle-head guy tripped right over still sprawling goon number two, and bumped into the currently stupefied Godo. A 'ooph' burst from his lips as he was full body tackled, and together him and bleedy-nose-tentacle-guy fell through the already semi-broken balcony window onto the balcony cement, shattering what remained of the glass. Then they too were still.
She stared around her dumbfounded- fish flopping pathetically on the water soaked carpet, cracks in the wall, a dead guy on the floor, another dead guy with a flesh eating Squid on his face and her probably dead father on the shard covered balcony.
She looked around the trashed room, lifting up slowly, her arms still clutched tightly around the orbs still in her possession. Eyes wide, she stood up, walking hesitatingly over to the balcony. She stared down into Godo's face, and taking in his half dead face, she tentatively spoke.
"Godo…?"
She nudged him with the toe of her boot, and he groaned nonsensically in reply. She felt a wide grin split her face. Then she leaned forward with a diabolical smile.
"…YOU JUST GOT KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT!"
She yelled into his face, cackling evilly with triumph. She didn't know what the hell had just happened, all she knew was that the dust had cleared and she was the winner. She wanted to break out and do the hustle, or maybe the electric slide. She stepped around Godo's lifeless form, puffing out her chest with victory. And of course, like any self respecting heroine, she would seize this opportunity to make her dramatic getaway-
…-right after her victory speech.
She grinned even wider, placing her foot on Godo's chest like a conquering warrior, she lifted her arm high, thrusting one of her prizes into the sky, the pretty sky blue one with the squiggles. She didn't know why the hell she was yelling, or why she was in the sudden mood for tom foolery, but all she could think was she had earned this dammit!
"LET IT BE KNOWN THAT THIS DAY, I, YUFFIE KISARAGI, SINGLEHANDEDLY DEFEATED MY DOUCHEBAG FATHER AND HIS STRONGEST WARRIORS IN MORTAL COMBAT! AND TO THE VICTOR GOES THE SPOILS! LET THE EARTH TREMBLE AT MY MIGHT, LET THE WIND-"
She paused, as something weird began to happen. The orb in her hand began to pulse- no, shake in her hand like her first dog had done when she'd given him chocolate. But this was no shuddering seizure- this was like a mini earthquake going off in her hand! The tremor raced along her arm, and before she knew it, her entire body was shaking. She opened her mouth- whether to scream or curse, she hadn't decided yet- but her teeth rattled together so bad it made her head ache. She tried to throw it, tried to let the orb go, but the really stupid part about it was that her hand wouldn't let go. The tremors were in her brain, rattling her skull- she had enough sense to know that she really needed to get the damn thing away from her or else- when it suddenly stopped.
She gasped, sucking in a much needed breath, shakily lowering her still tingling arm. Wh…What the hell had been up with that? She looked at the orb distrustfully now- was it alive or something? Was it pissed off? Did it have gas? Was it a bomb about to nuke the Wutai clan out of existence? She stared at it hesitantly, the innocent glow evil now. She had half a mind to chuck it, but it was so pretty…
And suddenly, the orb in her hand flickered, light bursting within and roaring to life. She screamed as some inhuman force seized hold of her, and to her horror, she was thrown head first over the balcony. She closed her eyes, screaming as something grabbed her, spinning her around and around in mid air like a spinning top. She held back her barf, opening her eyes and her brain going into maximum overdrive as she realized one very important thing- she was flying through the air like a fricken air plane.
She screamed as she was blasted off through the air at what may have very well been the speed of time, and she probably should have been doing like all the other flying anime heroines and having the time of her life- if she hadn't been so busy crying like a pansy and practically wetting herself.
'ohgogohgodohgodpleasedon'tkillmeI'llbeagoodgirlmommyIpromise'- she chanted in her head, horror making her slam her eyes shut once more as she was sucked through the air, the wind roaring in her ears, and she instinctively could feel how far she was off the ground. There was also the fact that someone was screaming in her ears, and she wanted to tell them to shut up, but she was far too terrified to know it was her.
All she knew was that she wanted down, she wanted sweet, sweet land- her curiosity be damned, Godo could keep his damn orb thingies, all she wanted was to LIVE.
'Oh dear god if you put me down I'll NEVER steal again! I won't go back to Godo or Harold-hell no- but we can work something out just please put me down- '
Her hand trembled again, and her mind had enough sanity in it left to realize that it was the orb shooting her through the sky like superman on steroids. Of course! She had to make it stop! But how do you make an inanimate object stop? She racked her brain, yelling off random commands in her panic.
"HALT! CEASE! DECIST! ALAKAZAM! ALACADABRA!"
DamnDamnDamn none of them were working! She wracked her brain- maybe it was like an express jet and was whisking her somewhere- of course! A destination! That was it! She sucked down more bile, feeling her head spinning- oh hell, the only places she could think of were Wutai vacation homes located halfway around the world, and the fuck if she was riding the Orb Express for 6 hours. She clung to some random particle of information- and shot out the words that sealed her fate.
"Shinra Mansion!"
And as she flew away into the dark, it was far too late for her to wonder if it still even existed.
AN: I apologize for making Yuffie into such an insane, trash talking potty mouth D:
But I was challenged to try and write a kinda of modern-ish Yuffentine, complete with the Wuta, Shinra etc. so I was like SURE WHY NOT. I even made another account to post this fic, so my reviewers on my main couldn't hunt me down and kill me for starting YET ANOTHER new fic. Hoped you had as much fun reading it as I did writing it xD
But Yeah...LMAO. Read and review m'kay? I no own FF7, but I sure wish I did :,(