After her mother died she never thought she could feel a pain worse than that.
Evidently she was wrong. She was shot. That was one of the worst physical pains
she's ever experienced in her life and she even has the emotional pains from it
too.
But the thing that hurts the most was what could've happened today, what she
thought did happen. She thought she lost her partner. When that bank blew up all
she could feel was empty and cold inside, as if her heart had been damaged once
again.
She knew she loved him but at that moment she realized just how much she was in
love with him. She realized just how empty life would be without him.
When that bomb went off her heart exploded with it. So when she went inside that
bank and found him sitting on the floor she didn't-couldn't believe it was him.
That's why she wanted to touch him, to see if he was really there but Martha
interrupted.
Maybe she can do it now after dinner. Martha and Alexis are just about finished
up and maybe if she offers to clean they'll leave and she can be alone with him.
She just needs to tell him she just needs to hold him for a minute.
But she can't because Martha refuses to let her help or do anything and Castle
is agreeing. So instead she grabs her coat from the back of her chair and Castle
walks her to the door.
"Goodnight Castle," she said worrying her bottom lip.
"Night."
"Castle. Did um- did he really have his gun to your neck?"
"Yeah why?"
She sighed and shook her head. "It's nothing. Night," she said walking out the
door.
Telling him that she's glad he's okay isn't enough anymore! She needs him here
with her. She needs to be reassured that he's okay and reminded that the bomb
was nothing but a close call. She needs to hold him and let him know that she's
glad to have him as a partner.
She's still scared that she's going to lose him and that feeling just won't go
away. Her body is trembling with fear and her heart is beating so quickly
because she keeps thinking about next time. Will that be just a close call too?
How many times can he almost die before she does something about it? How long
will they have to tread water until she comes to terms with her feelings?
Once she's home she steps into the hot spray of the shower and tries to cleanse
herself of the fear eating at her. She wants to wipe away the sorrow she's
feeling from almost losing her partner. She can't-won't imagine what life
without Castle would be like. It'll hurt too much to not be able to call him or
have him spitting wild theories during a case.
No. She doesn't want to think about it.
She really does love him and realizing how much now has her mind spiraling.
She's been healing for a few months but today she was reminded that life isn't
waiting for her to repair, it goes on and in the midst of it she could lose the
very person she's healing for. She can't keep stringing him along like this
because not only is it hurting him but its killing her. All she wants is him and
when that bomb went off she was reminded of just how much.
When she gets out the shower she puts on a pair of oversized white shorts and a
long sleeved v-neck shirt. She leaves her hair down and climbs into bed.
Physically her body is tired, exhausted, but mentally she's fully alert. No way
she'd be able to get sleep with so much on her mind.
All through the night she try's to shut her mind up and force herself to sleep
but it's not working. She keeps thinking about Castle and the gun Trapper John
held to his neck. She could only imagine what he must've been feeling. If John
had pulled that trigger she would've failed him after she promised to get him
out. Then her mind brings her to the bomb. Twice his life could've been ended
today.
She's sick of tossing and turning and not being able to keep her eyes closed for
more than ten seconds. She's sick of this coldness that settled in her bones
since she left Castle's apartment. She's sick of worrying about him and she's
sick of yearning for him.
Kate looked up at the time. 3:21am. Great. He's most likely asleep but she
doesn't care, she needs to see him, she needs to touch him. She needs to know
that he's okay, that he's alive and well.
"Tell me you need me," his words from this morning. When he spoke those words
she thought they were finally going to have that talk she thought that maybe she
could tell him how she felt. She's tired of biting her tongue, hiding from him
what he deserves to know, what she deserves to say after so much emotional
distress. "Tell me you need me." His words ring in her ear playing over and over
until she can say it out loud. "Tell me you need me." Yes...she most certainly
does.
So she sits up in bed and dangles her feet off the edge while she dials his
number.
Castle's asleep in bed when she calls him. His face buried in his pillow and
laying on his stomach. Normally if his phone rang at three in the morning he
wouldn't answer but it was the caller ID that got him.
"Beckett?" He said groggily, while taking his free hand and rubbing his face.
Kate took a deep breath, closed her eyes and said only two words before
responding.
"Come over."
She's nervous now but she won't undo what she did. She's rather be nervous than
not be able to sleep because she's worried about her partner.
She cuts out all the lights and pulls all the covers back on the bed. Then she
sits on the end of it and waits. Her mind is buzzing about how he's going to
react when he gets here but she doesn't want him to do anything. She just wants
him to be.
It's when she hears the soft rap on her door that her pulse picks up. But still
she finds the courage to get on her feet and walk to her front door. She self
consciously fixes her now dry hair and opens the door.
Since its so dark she can't see his face but from his posture she can tell he's
tired. She notices that he's still in his pjs but just threw on some shoes and
his coat.
"Kate are you okay?" He asked barging in. "Is something wrong?"
"Shh Castle. Don't speak," she whispered. Kate then brought her hands up and
wrapped them around his neck pulling them closer. Her nose was right beside the
back of his head so she could smell him. He smelled like soap and fine wine and
a smell that was entirely him. That smell is what she'll hold onto it's what
she'll cherish when she needs him it's what she'll remember when she needs to
know that he's alive.
When she parted away from him she took off his coat laid it on the couch. Then
she told him to take off his shoes.
She can't see his face but she knows that he's looking at her. Kate slowly ran
her hand down his arm, caressing as she went. When she got to his hand she laced
their fingers together and walked him to her bedroom. She held his hand the
entire time as she slid into the bed on the opposite side so he could slide in
behind her. While she had his hand she winded his arm around herself enveloping
herself in the warmth of his body.
She felt him reach down and pull the blanket up to cover them. She knows that
he's probably confused but she'll explain it all tomorrow morning.
He doesn't take advantage of the darkness. In fact she thinks that's what's
stopping him from literally making any kind of move. He's not touching her
besides the arm draped around her and their laced fingers. She's very grateful
that he isn't trying to make this more than what it is but at the same time she
wants him to be just a little closer.
She has yet to break her resolve and now that he's here she doesn't think she
will. So yes, she risks it and scoots back into him. Her back to his chest her
butt to his pelvis. He must've understood what she was doing because he brought
his legs up to hers and rested his head above hers.
Kate felt him relax against her and now maybe she can get some sleep because
he's fine. He's here with her and she'll protect him from any danger.
She closed her eyes and soon a sleepiness came to her. But right as she was
about to doze off Castle whispered gently in her ear.
"It's okay. I'm right here."
She didn't respond but she's glad to know that he figured out why she called him
here. She felt a tear escape from her eye and quickly wiped it away. She's okay
he's okay and that's what she wants the most. So tomorrow she'll tell him
exactly how she feels so that way next time... she can turn around and kiss him.