The X-Men Present: Tangled
Chapter 1
What? Too many parodies, you say? Well, I need somewhere to channel my insanity, don't I? Otherwise, SilverShadowWriter is going to kill me (or the other way around). And anyway, once this idea hit my loony brain, I couldn't get it away from me… Enjoy yet another wacko production from the mind of Claire's Demons! BWAHAHA! ;3
I love Tangled! Best movie ever! Ah, Disney, you did good with this.
This is the story of how I died.
'YAY!'
Rogue glared at Bobby, who looked slightly fearful.
Rogue used Mean Look! It was super effective! Bobby fainted!
Remy coughed pointedly. 'Geeks…'
Says the Cajun closet Trekkie! Hey, that kind of has a ring to it! Oh wait, you didn't want anybody to know about that, did you? Well, I'm very sorry for mentioning it, I'm very sorry for mentioning it here, and I'm also very sorry I'm mentioning it over and over again, and I'm also very-
'LALALA!' shouted Remy, stuffing his fingers into his ears. 'Here comes the bride, big, fat and wide, I can't hear you lalala!'
I'm pretty sure the next line was 'See how she wobbles from side to side!'
'ABCDEFG, gummy bears are chasing me, I STILL CAN'T HEAR YOU!'
Really? Maybe I should raise my volume then. Oh and uh Remy? You got your lyrics messed up. It's supposed to be 'One is red, one is blue, one is peeing on my shoe!' OW!
Jean raised an eyebrow and said mildly, 'Oops. Looks like my aim is off. I wasn't intending to knock her out with that table lamp.'
Well, turning into an insane cosmic bird that calls itself Phoenix is generally bad for one's eyesight and sharpshooting skills.
'How are you still talking? You should've been dead faint by now. Wait… I don't really want to know.'
I am the wind, I am the snowfall. I am everywhere.
Silver Surfer popped his head in. 'Hey, that's my line!'
Oh, sheesh! What are you even doing here? You're not even in this story! And why are you so out of character? GO! SHOO!
Onwards with the story!
This story isn't even about me. It's about an amazing, wonderful, talented, gorgeous, perfect girl called Rogue. She had emerald eyes so dazzling that anyone looking into them would be instantly entranced.
CUT! Enough with the sappiness, I'm dying of fluff poisoning!
Anyway, a long time ago, a drop of sunlight fell to Earth.
'Sunlight isn't matter,' said Kitty.
Um… Quantum mechanics… Cats… Uhm, waffles… SHEEP! SHEEP ARE THE ANSWER!
From this single drop, a flower grew.
It was a magical flower, able to cure any illness and heal anyone.
Oh, see that old woman sidling up to the flower? Her name's Raven. Remember her. She'll be important later.
Just a boat ride and a stone's throw away was a kingdom.
Well, I wasn't expecting the Death Star.
It was ruled by the much-beloved King Logan and Queen Ororo.
'Oooooh,' went the kids in the room.
Hey Badger, you know that vein in the middle of your forehead? It turns green when you're mad! So cool!
They had no children, although they wanted an heir.
'Logan is sterile or something?'
Hey, that's mean.
'I'm so hurt, Gumbo, I feel like cutting you up into tiny little pieces,' snarled Logan. Aforementioned vein was pulsing again.
And one fine day, the queen got pregnant. The monarchs were very happy.
But the queen got sick.
Really, really sick.
The news of her illness united her subjects, and they all went off looking for the magical flower.
Now, Raven had been abusing the flower's power for centuries, using it to make herself young again. All she had to do was sing a magical song.
Flower, gleam and glow…
Let your power shine.
Make the clock reserve;
Bring back what once was mine.
Heal what has been hurt,
Change the fates' design.
Save what has was lost
Bring back what once was mine.
What once was mine…
Yeah, she sings to it and she becomes young. Creepy, I know.
It just so happened that one night, just as she had finished her croon, she heard guards nearing her location. Quickly, she slammed a cover made of leaves and twigs over the enchanted blossom. However, as she began to run, she knocked the cover off by accident and it rolled far, far away. There was no time. She had but one choice: escape.
She managed to avoid detection, but the flower was lost to her as the swarms of people took it away.
Raven seethed silently, vowing to get it back.
My Precioussssssssss…
With the power of the magical bud, the queen regained her health and gave birth to a baby girl. They named her Rogue, and had a golden tiara made specially for her. It fit just perfectly, and looked beautiful on the baby princess.
In honour of the event, the king and queen released floating lanterns into the sky. The entire land celebrated the joyous event, and for that one moment, everything was perfect.
Until Raven took the child.
She sneaked into the fortress one night and, lifting some of Rogue's beautiful long hair, sang her song and began to cut off a few blonde strands.
Rogue sighed. 'Go on, start the dumb blonder jokes. It sucks that I'm stuck with this wig for-'
Shh. Wouldn't want to give anything away.
However, as soon as the blades of her scissors began to chop off the girl's hair, it dulled and rapidly and the lock in Raven's fingers turned brown.
Raven swore.
Logan was woken to the sound of his child crying. Hurrying to the cot, he saw Rogue in the clutches of an old crone, standing on the balcony and laughing.
With a sweep of her cloak, she was gone.
Black, long, weird-looking cloaks can make you teleport, apparently. And they're pretty cheap on eBay too!
'…' was the general response.
17 long years later
Pyro giggled madly as he turned a shade of brown. Literally.
The chameleon pressed himself flat against a flowerpot as Rogue peeked out of the window.
'Well, I suppose that little rascal can't be in here,' she said merrily, eyes darting around the place.
Just as he thought it was safe and slithered out to check, he was grabbed by the tail and hauled into the air.
'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!' his mouth was open in a silent scream.
'That's 22 for me.'
Pyro scowled in an adorable way, making Rogue laugh at his antics.
'Come on!'
Whirling around the tiny room at the top of the tower in a flurry of pink skirts, she began to sing.
Logan groaned and covered his ears.
TURN THE VOLUME TO THE MAX!
7 AM, the usual morning lineup:
Start on the chores and sweep 'til the floor's all clean
Polish and wax, do laundry, and mop and shine up
Sweep again, and by then it's like 7:15.
Evan rolled his eyes.
'She can do all that in 15 minutes? Are you sure Rapunzel isn't Pietro?' eliciting an evil laugh from Wanda, who was probably planning to stuff her brother into a pink silk frock and publicly humiliate him.
And so I'll read a book
Or maybe two or three
I'll add a few new paintings to my gallery
I'll play guitar and knit
And cook and basically
Just wonder when will my life begin?
Then after lunch it's puzzles and darts and baking
Paper mache, a bit of ballet and chess
Pottery and ventriloquy, candle making
Then I'll stretch, maybe sketch, take a climb,
Sew a dress!
'Man, if this was fanfiction, she'd be accused of being a Mary Sue.'
This is fanfiction.
-ERROR- -Break in fourth wall detected- -Universe about to combust and fold in on itself- -OKAY, WHO DIVIDED BY ZERO?-
And I'll reread the books
If I have time to spare
I'll paint the walls some more,
I'm sure there's room somewhere.
And then I'll brush and brush,
And brush and brush my hair
Stuck in the same place I've always been.
And I'll keep wonderin' and wonderin'
And wonderin' and wonderin'
When will my life begin?
And tomorrow night,
Lights will appear
Just like they do on my birthday each year.
What is it like?
Out there where they glow?
Now that I'm older,
Mother might just
Let me go...
Rogue, who had been turned severely cynical from her past experiences, added, 'Fat chance, I tell you. This is Mystique we're talking about. Gee, why doesn't Rapunzel just waltz right out of the tower or strangle Mother Gothel with that braid? Insanely long hair has got to be good for something, right? Other than breeding lice, that is.'
Shush you! Don't destroy my childhood like that! This is Disney! Disney never makes any sense in their movies! I mean, who the hell manages to recover from a poisoned apple merely by sitting up? DAT LOGIC!
'Don't even get me started on Up.'
Pshaw, maybe I should force you and Remy to cast for that movie.
'Oh… Damn…'
The girl collapsed onto her four-poster bed in a heap of golden waves. She stroked her pet with one finger as she stared up at the domed ceiling of the only place she'd ever known, thinking hard about her plans for her immediate future.
'Today's a big day, Pyro…'
Somewhere a boat ride and a stone's throw away
'Today's a big day, gentlemen!' These fine words came from the mouth of one Remy LeBeau.
Fellow criminals Sabretooth and Blob Stabbington grunted greedily as they heard that fateful sentence. Indeed, it would completely change their lives, in ways they couldn't ancipitate.
Sabes growled in a very disgruntled, very amusing manner. 'Do I get to beat the dumb Cajun up?'
Yes, you do, and you will shortly meet your death at Rogue's hands. Doesn't that sound great!
'Pah!' he muttered. 'I could take a puny little girl like that any day.'
Rogue pulled off one of her gloves and stared him straight in the face.
You go, girl.
'We're going to be rich!' yelled Remy, furiously egging his steed on as it dashed across the bridge leading to the majestic palace- where his loot lay.
'Drop me in, but slowly,' he said to his rather dim-witted accomplices, looping the end of a rope around his waist when they'd climbed to the top of the tower. The guards surrounding their destination were easy to evade, thanks to Remy's skill and the fact that most of the patrols were slacking.
The twin thugs gradually lowered the rope, and Remy stretched his hands out for the glittering tiara on the pedestal; it was so close, almost within his clutches-
'Atischoo!' the lone soldier on lookout duty suddenly sneezed, startling the thief behind him. Remy felt himself begin to slip, but fortunately- or perhaps not for the treasure- was able to regain his grasp on the coarse rope.
'Hay fever?' he asked dryly. Why not have some fun while he was at it? Besides, there was no way he could be caught now. Soon he'd be away with his prize, never to be seen again- he was arrogant enough to assume that he was too good for the mediocre regiments of the kingdom, but as he'd soon learn, pride comes before a fall.
During this long, boring dissection of Remy's thoughts and personality, Logan had begun to roll his eyes repeatedly. With a snort, he commented, 'Still as cocky as ever, LeBeau.'
Has anyone noticed that nobody ever calls Remy by his name? It's always LeBeau or Cajun or Bloody Moronic Arse. What's up with that, eh? I call him Remy, he calls himself Remy, and I'm pretty sure his adoptive aunt calls him Remy too.
'Gee, maybe it's because 'bloody moronic arse' suits him better,' said Logan.
Without turning around, the sick sentry answered, 'Yeah. Sucks.'
When he realized his mistake, the proud thief had already been lifted to safety by the twins, and the sentinel's call for help came too late. Swarms of armored soldiers crowded into the crime scene, but the shadow-like burglar had already gone.
While the captain of the Royal Guards readied his men, the three criminals were already making their quick escape on foot, having abandoned their horses as the sound of their beasts' hooves would give them away. They weaved their speedy way through the dim woods, knowing the course well as they'd studied it carefully before carrying out their heist.
Remy laughed out loud, unable to contain his joy. 'Doesn't this just feel great, boys?'
But whatever happy fantasies he had about the prized tiara went pop like a bubble as the royal horses and hounds caught up to them. Sabretooth swore, Blob panted from the physical exertion and Remy was frantically praying to whatever gods would listen to his silent pleas.
'Yeah, about that. I don't think God would be very willing to help a kleptomaniac,' said the ever-cheery Rogue.
'You know you care for me.'
'You wish.'
Look at the lovers bantering, oh how sweet. Um… Why are the both of you looking at me like that? Oh no no no no no, Rogue, put that glove back on, NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Their attempts were futile, though; they soon came to a dead end. Staring down the stone wall as though it might give way, Remy was running out of ideas. 'Quick, hoist me up,' he ordered his minions, ahem, fellow thieves. 'I'll pull you over the edge.'
He knew he was in trouble when a dangerous glint appeared in Sabretooth's eye.
'Don't think so. Give us the satchel first.'
'I'm so wounded,' proclaimed Remy dramatically, putting his hand over his heart. 'After all this time, you still don't trust me?'
Sabes, however, was not taking any nonsense from the wily young man. 'The. Satchel. Now.'
'Fine,' muttered Remy, all charm gone. He threw his precious package to Blob and climbed up their backs, pulling himself up over the blockage. 'Now help us!' cried Sabes.
Remy grinned devilishly; the tables had turned, the odds were now in his favor.
Still with that wicked smirk on his face, he held up the satchel. Sabes immediately felt his belt for it, but his fears had been confirmed; that scumbag LeBeau had somehow nicked the tiara back.
He roared in rage and tried to haul himself up, but Blob's short legs gave way and both collapsed to the ground, cursing Remy.
At that moment, Remy was already long gone, still racing on through the forest. His heart pounded faster when he heard a voice behind him.
'Ride on, Scotty-boy!' roared the captain, urging his mount on.
'Is that who I think it is?' whispered Ororo in horror.
'WHY?! Out of all roles, why a HORSE?!' squeaked Scott. 'Stop making me squeak! It's all Sporks' fault anyway!' (1)
Don't blame her! Everybody in this room right now thinks it's a great idea, except you, but you don't count, so HA!
'I'm the Fearless Leader! I don't squeak! Also, you're supposed to be unconscious… Never mind, I give up trying to apply logic to your very existence.'
Just then, Remy had a great idea.
'Did he decide to politely give back the crown and end this whole ridiculous story?' said Scott sarcastically, still sore about the squeaking.
Swinging up onto a hanging tree branch, he let the horse and its rider pass him before kicking the oblivious man off and hopping onto his new ride.
He thought it would be easy for him from then on. Horses didn't know loyalty, right? Well, he'd just steal the creature too and use it as his key to freedom.
What he didn't factor into his grand plan was that particular horse's intelligence and fiery temper. Scott reared up into the air, squealing, bucking like a rodeo bronco, trying to knock his new owner off. 'AAAAAAAA!' shouted an astonished Remy, as he went flying off with his grip still firmly planted on the reins. As a result, both went tumbling head-over-hills down a steep slope, bouncing on the dusty soil and rolling very far away from everyone else.
The momentum of their fall catapulted both onto a precariously balanced dead tree hanging off a steep cliff. The satchel somehow soared through the air and got tangled in a branch. Both Remy and Scott, having somewhat recovered their wits by then, scrambled for it, but knocked into each other again. The sudden uneven distribution of weight was too much for the poor tree roots, which were the only things holding it to the cliff face, and everything began to split apart.
Remy shrieked again as the whole structure practically rolled down the mountain. Air rushed past him as the ground loomed ever closer; danger was thick in the air and both could feel it.
I can't die yet, not now. I haven't lived my life yet… I'm still young…
There was nothing else to do but close his eyes and hope for the best.
(1) One of Sporks' reviews inspired me to make Scott squeak forever! Forever! FOREVER! –echo-
Yeah, I know I introduced a character not from X-Men, but it was too funny a chance to pass up. Besides, this whole parody isn't even supposed to make sense.