Starting somewhere in New Moon.
Not because I liked that book best, far from it. It's rather because I was so thoroughly upset with it. I love Twilight, but I found it hard to tolerate Bella as such a wuss, for lack of better word. In "New Moon" I find she'd let Edward, and anybody else, get away with anything. And I hated it, since I always considered her a caring, unselfish character, but not a pushover.
I always wondered what would have happened if he really did return to her, like he said he would have soon just because he couldn't stand being away from her. More importantly, what if Bella had had a little more time to compose herself. Not that she would have forgotten him ever, but just perfected her facade a little.
I really don't know exactly how to start this, but I have a definitive idea on how this is going to end, so we'll just see were it goes.
Oh, and, Edward will come back. It's funny how as much as I hated waiting on him to return for so long in New Moon and now I'll have to do the same thing, but just wait a little, I have to build up some kind of scenario and some kind of new Bella before he can come back.
Oh, and, obviously I don't own any of this. All belongs to Mrs. Meyer and her publishers. And for good reason, since in comparison my writing skills seriously lack something to be considered.
Bella's point of view. All the way. I don't like switching point of view; it is a great temptation, one wants to see both sides, but it's also kind of easy.
- Chapter 1. Preparations to Pretend -
It was the sound of Charlie's car tires on the wet gravel that finally woke me up, after having tossed and turned in bed for the last couple of hours. One of my inevitable dreams had caused me to wake up at around four in the morning, sitting up straight in bed. Since then it had just been short interludes of dozing off. And now? It had to be some time around seven, Charlie was off to go fishing with Billy.
My father still didn't trust my repeated message that I was okay, that I was fine -at least now I was giving that answer. In the first couple of weeks it was a miracle that I kept breathing, thinking, moving around just enough to get to school and back; I certainly didn't speak to people. I would have stayed a mute for even longer if it hadn't been for my concern that Charlie would ship me off and back to my Mum; not that I didn't love staying with my Mum, but back then I still had hope that Edward might somehow turn around and come back. And even though I knew full well that if he had wanted to find me, he could have easily found me wherever I was, I needed to stay in Forks for him. And yes, I was perfectly aware of giving a whole new meaning to the word pathetic, then and now.
It was on the day that the blue letter arrived, telling my Dad (and any of the neighbours who wanted to tune in to his ecstatic shouting) that I had indeed gained a scholarship to Middlebury University, that I realized I had been a walking, talking corpse for almost ten month. I didn't care much about the Uni. I wasn't even particularly proud about getting in, after all my life had been entirely empty. The fact that I had concentrated on nothing but school wasn't exactly admirable. But then, right after graduation ceremony, I overheard my Charlie saying to Billy that he wouldn't let me go to College just now, that he didn't think I could make it alone, so far away. What a joke. He was the one who couldn't microwave dinner when left on his own.
I moved and shifted under the blankets and hid my face under one of the pillows. I wasn't entirely convinced if I wanted to go back to sleep, to just stay in bed for the day until Charlie came home and I needed to be up and normal. But, just in case, I pulled my legs up almost all the way to my chest and snuggled in the covers even closer, trying if I could get some more rest.
The nights were something I both feared and longed for. Sometimes, on very few occasions, my dreams were so real that it was good just to be in them, to some way be in his presence; but mostly my sleep was very unhealthy and often interrupted.
Of course, it was him who haunted my dreams. And not even in the literal sense of haunting, no, Edward was just there. And even subconsciously I knew that it wasn't real, so I had the classic dream of running and never reaching what you're running for.
I don't know why, but the minute Edward was gone I realized I was all alone. He really had been all I had, mostly because he was all and the only thing I wanted. I couldn't just go and be comforted by Angela, as much as I liked her, let alone Jess, who was sweet but never understood anything. And I didn't want to be comforted by any of them. Because what could they tell me? So, Bella, you lost your boyfriend. It happens to everyone. You'll get over it. Sure, they would be more sensible than that. But that would be the general direction of their argument, and they were right. Only for me it was different.
Some part of me was probably only attracted to the fact that he was a vampire- well, obviously not that, but what came with it. His looks, his smell, all his talents like playing the piano or carrying me around like I weighed nothing. That was what caught my attention. But then I really just fell in love with Edward. The person he was, the incredible being. And both of those together just couldn't be reversed; I wasn't a teenage girl insisting on her crush, it was a fact I had to accept. I could maybe learn to be a bit more normal without Edward. But I couldn't stop my feelings for him. So I would just have to find a way to get around that.
I sighed and got up. What was the point. Might as well get onto my plan of leading a normal life, not just for Charlie's sake but for my own, too, as soon as possible. Because then he'd let me go to Uni, and then maybe I could be more normal there.
When I stepped out of the shower and tried to multitask by pulling a brush through my wet hair and brushing my teeth at the same time (impossible idea, and not working out for me since I had toothpaste all over my jaw and the brush so well tangled up I couldn't get it out of my hair anymore), I looked at myself in the wall sized mirror.
The girl staring back at me was more a young woman than a girl, to be nineteen in fall. Her hair almost came down to her waist and looked enormous in comparison to the skinny limbs and body. I hadn't cut my hair in, say, ten month, and I hadn't eaten a lot either. I'd never had much curves but now my arms were so tiny Edward could have probably used one hand only to span it around both my forearms. Edward. Let's not go there. Let's just keep looking in the mirror. My eyes, the only thing I'd ever really considered beautiful about my face, looked even bigger now and had a bit of a feverish shine to them; also, they had dark rings circling them. All in all, I looked like some kind of tragic Ophelia, slightly sick but very convincing.
And then it came to me, that there was no reason for today to not be the day to start changing a few things around here. Edward wasn't coming back. I had been trying to be selflessly nice to people and not to care too much about myself for a long time, ever since I'd turned twelve and started taking care of my Mum more than she did me. It was never anything I realized I was doing while doing it, but I knew that was what Edwards saw in me mostly, and that alone was one good reason to stop it. It suddenly hit me. I was in no way special, but I was sort of a goody-goody person. And maybe right now, I needed to not be that.
And first of all, I needed my body to stop from turning into that of a 12-year-old boy and to feel a bit healthier about myself.
I quickly dressed in Jeans and a tight purple sweater. I would pay more attention to the way I looked, too, I silently vowed to the bathroom mirror, but later, right now wasn't the best time to start. I went to my computer, and slow as it was, I had time to blow dry my hair before I had checked my savings account on line. Well, who were we kidding. It was never enough to get in a top grade college anyways, but it was a lot; and since I now had a scholarship that included living costs at my dorms, I was simply going to go and spend lots of money on stuff. That's what people in movies do when they are being dumped. Shopping. Maybe it helped.
I picked up the phone. This was probably going to be a shock for her.
"Hello? Webber here?"
"Hi, Angela. It's Bella Swan."
There was a pause. Of course there was. I had hardly spoken to her in month. But I knew instinctively that Angela was both the girl I used to like most around here, and the one that would most easily forgive me for my strange behaviour.
"Uh, hi Bella." Another pause. "It's actually great to hear from you." And she meant it, that's what struck me. She was a rare type of lovely person and she was one I shouldn't push any farther away than I already had by now.
"Look, I know this is awkward. Well, me, I'm awkward, I know. But, uhm, is there a chance you'd like to spend the day with me? Shopping? Getting out of here?"
I was slightly nervous with the response.
"Actually, I would love that." There was something else in her voice I'd missed before. Her pleasure about my call couldn't be all about me.
"Is there something wrong, Angela?"
"Well. Ben and I broke up. I was supposed to go on a weekend trip with my folks but now I don't feel up for it. I guess you would understand." A bit of sarcasm in her voice, actually a lot. Fine, I deserved that.
My head jumped to conclusions. Well, she was in need of distraction, why not give her that. I was in need of a lot of change around here. I wanted her to be part of that, best all day, or even all weekend. If I was to ask her for anything, why not be as bold as possible? It was only a shot.
"Look, Angela, we can spend the weekend. That is, if you want to. I can pick you up in a few and we can go to Port Angeles or Seattle, and go shopping. Spend our money mindlessly. That's what every true Hollywood lover does after a break-up, right?"
I could almost hear her smile. "Yes. That would be great. Maybe we can get dinner in the city as well, stay out late."
She was onto me.
"Tell you what. I will pick you up in half an hour from now. We go to Seattle. Eat dinner there, too. And then if you want to you can stay here, we can have the ultimate sleepover."
She actually giggled from the way I was advertising it. I was good at this, I realized. Good at pretending to be the old Bella.
"And tomorrow, if you want to at all, you can help me change my room. I will shop for some decorations and maybe even wall paint. I need to seriously change everything here."
She seemed to be caught my, half real half worked up, enthusiasm.
"That would be great, Bella. Only", she chuckled, "let's take my car to make sure we are in Seattle before the day is over. No offense. And that way, tomorrow after the sleepover, I can drive myself home."
This was her way of accepting.
"Angela? If you want to, you can tell me all about Ben in the car. But you don't have to."
"I know. I'll be at you house in 30 minutes. Okay"
"Great. See you." I meant to hang up.
"And, Bella?"
"Yes?"
"I missed you." She hung up. I hung up. This was working. I didn't know how, but somehow I had made this work out perfectly.
My next call was to Jacob. He was surprised, too, since I barely picked up the phone and normally preferred just to show up at his place. But he agreed to meet me on Sunday night. Watch a movie or something like it. He was cheerful, eager, as always.
Thirty Minutes later I actually smiled at Angela when I climbed up on the passenger's seat of her Dad's range rover, quite an impressive shiny silver vehicle by the way.
Not looking at it, but thinking the words 'shiny silver' made my smile fade away in a second. Stupid shiny silver Volvo owner, I had called someone not such a long time ago to tease him. It hurt. Like hell. As always.
"Bella!" Apparently I'd missed something she said.
"Yes?"
"What do you want to listen to? I've got charts, pop, some older, Beatles, too, uhm, I got Razorlight..."
"Raise a light is fine" I stopped her right there, not knowing the band and not caring, but I smiled to make it sound less harsh. She smiled, too, and, taking the hint, drove off quickly without too much chitchat. Seriously, Angela was someone I needed to keep around me. And the driving was actually fun. I'd always enjoyed the feeling of being in a car, just two of you, out on the road; there was a whole world going on outside, but you sat in your bubble with a friend, well-protected and apart from the others. Driving still soothed me.
If Angela was surprised at how much I spent, she quickly got over it and then actually followed my lead. We went through any kind of stores. Normally priced ones, cheap ones as well as some designer ones, where I picked out a few dresses. Charlie would go crazy. Well, so what. My female intuition told me he'd rather witness a bit of a post-puberty rebellion than my usual calm façade. So I spent hundreds of dollars. Wait, more than thousand by now? I didn't know. My credit card had a 3000 dollar daily limit, so I would now exactly when I'd lost a good part of my account.
I enjoyed the meaninglessness. But also how I looked in those clothes. Because I did look a bit beautiful, something I'd never really felt like before. But I was. I was alright, a bit more than average maybe, definitely something to work with. Of course any girl that has ever been dumped is probably keen on proving to herself that she looks fine, that it wasn't because of the looks. In my case, it was also because I knew it would make things easier. I had already catapulted myself outside of normal social life. Nobody thought of my as the nice and sweet girl from next door anymore, well, that was at least my guess at what I'd been before. So there I was with the perfect opportunity of creating a new me and making sure that everyone knew I didn't care. It would come easier if I at least looked lovely whilst flipping people off.
Another thing was, I couldn't fight the idea of Edward seeing me like that. He once thought I was beautiful, or at least he said so. With him always being well composed, with it always being me who wanted more of a kiss, I couldn't know for sure if he really ever meant that. But it cheered me strangely, the thought that maybe he did, that he might if he could see me in some of these clothes that were rather inviting the looks. I needed to think of something else. Badly.
Angela just did what I did. Spending slightly less, though, or at least I hoped so. The final store was a huge department store for interior design, where she helped me pick out some pillows, some small things like picture frames and decorations, and a huge fluffy white carpet. The last thing to buy was wall paint, white and blood red.
We noticed a hairdresser next to the department store and it was Angela who dragged me inside, insisted the professional did something to my mane. She got her hair cut like a young woman from the twenties, chin length, and she got a perm; so I got one, a loose one, after he'd cut layers in my hair. It looked good, bushy, wild, a lioness' mane. It was in the chair that I saw the ad: "kickboxing for girls and young women, so you can say no, too". Angela wasn't convinced but I turned to begging. I had her sign up with me, because I knew she'd feel compelled to go now she'd paid for the 3-month summer term, and I knew she'd make my lazy ass come along. We joked all the way to the restaurant about how we would be the strongest girls in Forks, running around with the La Push crowd. Maybe trash some lawns and drive motorcycles.
At the diner, I insisted to invite her. "Just for being able to stand me the entire day", I said, and she grinned, but she got what I meant.
It was a nice Thai restaurant and we ordered so much food the waitress somehow got the idea we were waiting for more people and asked if she should move us to a different table, which amused Angela and even me for a little bit. It was not the time to start bursting out in never ending giggles yet, but I could definitely grin and enjoy it.
"So, about Ben."
"What about him", she tried the witty response, but apparently the way I looked at her silenced her plan to be playful about it.
"He fell in love with this girl he met in camp. That was two years ago."
I didn't understand, but I knew I best just give her time.
"So now her dad moved from Chicago to Seattle." I must have looked scared, because she added: "I don't care. It's a big city. It's not like I will meet her around the next corner or anything. I really don't care about that."
She returned to nibbling on the last pieces of bread she'd used to soak up the rest of her curry coconut sauce. I had been such a good meal, the best in ages I could remember. Then again it was the first time in months I genuinely felt hungry and paid attention to whatever I was stuffing myself with.
"So what exactly did he say?"
"She asked him to visit her."
"And he did that, without telling you?" I couldn't help but ask. I didn't think he would, I always thought of Ben Cheney as a nice person in general.
"No", she shook her head and suddenly looked down, didn't want me to see her eyes anymore.
"I guess from that one time hearing her voice on the phone, he realized he would never feel for me the way he did for her. She was his first crush." Angela sniffed and I put my hand on hers, which was still holding the bread she now dropped. I don't know why I did this. It was instinct. I worked so hard pushing Edward out of my head all day, now she was giving me an even better reason to. She needed me.
"So technically..", I began, just thinking I needed to say something but really without any clue on what to say.
"So technically he was being the good guy, and fair. He realized he felt more for someone else, and without checking first if that someone would even want him for real, he told me and let me go." The last three words came out in bitter sarcasm, something I wasn't used from her; but the rest, she really meant it. I could see how this made it worse.
"I'm sorry." Great. The lamest thing to say, as in ever. But I had to say it once for the record. "It sucks that he didn't even give you a real reason to be mad at him."
She nodded. And then came what I feared most.
"Is it that way with you?", she asked.
I literally flinched away from the question. Then steadied myself and took a zip of Thai lemonade. Mango something.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.."
"It's okay", I cut her off. "You're my friend. I shouldn't get special treatment for being a lunatic." She smiled, at the friend thing, too. "So what was your question?
"Do you think you will be like that? Anyone now wouldn't count, if Edward ever came back for you? Everyone else wouldn't count as much?" She paused, but noticing my eyes swimming against my will, and to make it more natural, she added: "I was wondering if it's like that with every first love. Because if it is, then, I would never find someone to like better than Ben."
"I don't think it's important whether or not he, or she, is the first", I managed to whisper. Damn, I needed to get a hold of myself. Pathetic. For the first time I though that. I really was pathetic. Edward might be off, having fun. I didn't know that, but he might be. He might start to forget about me. And I was being pathetic, it was the only word for it.
"I think maybe there is a person you can't forget" she said, carefully placing each word. "And I'm sorry for you, too, Bella, I never got to say that before."
I smiled. Talking about it didn't make it worse. I didn't need to overdo it, either.
"You wanna go?" She read my mind. We paid, left for the car, and the driving home was brilliant. She let me drive the first part, up to the gas station where we got a coffee since it was seriously late now, and then I took the passenger's seat again.
There was something even more soothing about driving at night I realized. You could be sad, yes, but it felt okay. Whatever feeling it was you were feeling, even if it was that of sadness and loss, if you were in a moving vehicle staring at the dark trees and landscape rushing by, maybe even some stars, it made it better, calmer.