So basically, here's the setting: Aizen is no longer reigning terror over Karakura. He has lost all his shinigami powers and is now a normal regular guy (except dead) Everything is back to normal except the arrancars are living in the real world and Ichigo is forced to befriend them and be their guide (you can guess that he didn't want to hence this will be fun hehehe). As they adjust to the human world, they get to learn new and interesting things and never fail to drive Ichigo insane.^^
Now here's my question: What would happen when the Arrancars find out about Valentine's Day?
It would go a little something like this:
*Normal school day. All the Espada have been enrolled in Karakura High School. Renji and Rukia are also there to help Ichigo cope with them. The Espada don't know that today is Valentine's Day.*
(Orihime walks up to Ichigo as he walks in with Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, Nnoitra and Halibel)
Orihime: (bows politely) Kurosaki-kun! H-Happy Valentine's Day!
(Blushing hard she offers him a small wrapped parcel and he takes it, smiling warmly)
Ichigo: Thanks, Orihime! Happy Valentine's Day to you-!
Grimmjow: What the hell is 'Happy Valentine's Day', Strawberry!
Ichigo: (sighs) it's a day when-!
Nnoitra: (tears open package) Hey! It's chocolate! (begins to eat it)
Ichigo: Hey! That's mine! (Tries to snatch it but Nnoitra is too tall)
Orihime: It's alright, Korusaki-kun! I'll make some more!
Ichigo: (stops jumping up and down) You made it?
Nnoitra: (starts to go green) I think I'm going to be sick! (rushes off to the bathroom and everyone can hear him throwing up in the toilet)
Grimmjow: Note to self: always say no when Orihime is the one cooking. By the way, Orihime, I won't be able to make it to your place today for dinner.
Orihime: Alright (Smiles. Crickets chirping)
Grimmjow: (gives her a weird look before turning to Ichigo) Is she always this dumb?
Ichigo: (in a state of shock) I think Nnoitra just saved my life…
Ulquiorra: Trash
Grimmjow: Anyways, so is Valentine's Day the day you try to kill people?
Ichigo: No! It's-!
Grimmjow: Now that's my kinda holiday!
Ichigo: No! You do not try and killppl, Grimmjow!
Grimmjow: Then why did Orihime give you killer chocolate if she didn't want to kill you!
Halibel: Maybe she wanted to kill Nnoitra
Ichigo: No, she didn't! She-!
Grimmjow: Now that actually makes sense! I always hated that bastard
Ichigo: You guys…
Halibel: I swear. He never stops talking about how he's always suffering, how he's the Espada of despair, his underwear is always itchy or how he hates women…
Ichigo: (waves his hands in the air to get attention) Helloooooo?
Ulquiorra: He was always trash
Grimmjow: Everyone is trash to you, Ulqi.
Ulquiorra: I beg to differ
Grimmjow: Oh yea? Well what do you think of Syazel?
Ulquiorra: Tra-SHUT UP!
Grimmjow: HAHA! You're just a sore loser!
Ulquiorra: Trash
Halibel: This is such a pointless conversation
Grimmjow: No shit! Ichigo won't even explain what Valentine's Day is! (glares at Ichigo accusingly who smacks his forehead)
Ichigo: Are you done?
Grimmjow: Maybe. Are you annoyed yet?
Ichigo: Moving on. Anyways, Valentine's Day is the day you give gifts to the people you love or really, really care about. It can be anything from candy to flowers to cards…
Grimmjow: (wrinkles his nose) Ew
Halibel: (rolls her eyes) Men
Grimmjow: So wait, does that mean that Orihime loves you?
Ichigo: (blushes hard) Why're you asking me that? I don't know!
Grimmjow: (turns on Orihime who is also red) Do you love Ichigo?
Ichigo: I didn't mean you could go and ask her then!
Grimmjow: (rolls eyes) Aren't you a little over possessive?
Orihime: (squirms uncomfortably) Ummmm…
Ichigo: (blushes even harder) Just shut up, Grimmjow!
Grimmjow: (grinning) Ichigo and Orihime, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G-!
Ichigo: Stuff it!
Grimmjow: Stuff what?
Ulquiorra: Trash
*Renji, Uryu and Rukia show up*
Renji: Wait! Who's Ichigo kissing?
Ichigo: No one!
Grimmjow: (eyes Renji mischievously) Why are you so interested, Renji?
Rukia: Is it Orihime?
Ichigo: (stares in disbelief) How did you know?
Grimmjow: AHA! So you do love her!
Renji: (wrinkles his nose) Waitaminute, Ichigo, I thought you were gay!
*everyone stares at Ichigo and Renji*
Ichigo: What the hell? No I'm not!
Grimmjow: Heyy, how do you know about that, Renji?
Renji: Uh, uh, know what?
Rukia: That Ichigo is gay!
Renji: I never said that!
Grimmjow: Yes you did!
Renji: No I didn't!
Grimmjow: Yes you did!
Renji: No I didn't!
Uryu: Let's just forget about it, people!
Grimmjow: You're just saying that 'cuz you like Orihime!
Uryu: What has that got to do with this?
Grimmjow: 'Cuz if Ichigo is gay then you get to have Orihime all to yourself!
Orihime: Ummm I'm still here you know
Ichigo: Same here! Can we just stop talking about whether I'm gay or not! It's pretty obvious I'm straight!
Grimmjow: I know! Otherwise why else would you have been kissing Orihime behind the school building!
Renji: (fuming) WHAT? ICHIGOOOO! How could you? After everything I've done for you! (begins to cry)
Grimmjow: Aha! I knew you guys were gay for each other!
Ichigo: What? No! Renji, you got it all wrong! I was drunk! We were drunk! We did stupid things together!
Renji: (bawls) I even let you be on top!
Grimmjow: (wrinkles nose) Ok too much information! Did not need those images stuck in my brain!
Nnoitra: (comes out of bathroom clutching his stomach) Ughhh, how long was I in there?
Grimmjow: Well, we found out that Ichigo is bi and Renji is in love with him!
Renji: I am not!
Nnoitra: (covers his mouth and runs back into the bathroom)
Grimmjow: (grins widely) You know, I'm starting to like Valentine's Day!
Ichigo: (glares at Grimmjow) I suddenly have the strong urge to choke you to death
Rukia: So, who do youlike, Ulquiorra?
Ulquiorra: (looks as emotionless as ever) Love is a meaningless emotion that is a waste of time and is only for those who are trash and dependent on petty things for strength.
Rukia: Forget I asked…
Grimmjow: C'mon, Ulqi! You gotta love somebody!
Ulquiorra: Stop calling me 'Ulqi'
Orihime: You cannot be a loner forever, Ulquiorra-sama! Love makes the world go round!
Grimmjow: (gives her an incredulous look) You can't be for real!
Ichigo: Orihime's right, Ulqi! You need to find a person to love!
Ulquiorra: My name is Ulquio-!
Renji: What about you, Halibel? I bet you get loads of guys with your…ahem…your…
Halibel: (gives him a deathly stare) My what?
Renji: (huge sweat drop appears on the side of his faced) Uhhhh n-n-never mind…
Rukia: Is that all what you men think about?
Grimmjow: No shit! The bigger the better!
Rukia: You're sick
Grimmjow: You're just jealous cuz you can't even fit a size A!
Rukia: That's not true! I will have you know I have a perfectly good size!
Grimmjow: (snickers) Yeah, for mosquito bites!
Rukia: (fuming) Fine! I'll prove it! Let me find a measuring tape! (stomps off)
Ulquiorra: So, Grimmjow, you like them…big?
Grimmjow: Hell yeah! That's what makes them girls so damn hot, man!
Ulquiorra: Oh. I see. (crickets chirping follows)
Ichigo: (slyly) Why are you so curious, Ulquiorra?
Ulquiorra: (goes slightly pink) That is none of your business, Kurosaki.
Renji: (gasps) Ulquiorra is blushing!
Grimmjow: Ooooo, someone's got a crush!
Orihime: (claps her hands) that's wonderful, Ulquiorra-sama! Who do you like?
Ulquiorra: I have already told you, I do not idulge in petty human emotions-!
Ichigo: Stop bullshitting! You are crushing on someone MAJOR time to be in such denial! And I think I know who it is! (he looks slyly at Grimmjow)
Grimmjow: Who? (looks at Ichigo and pales) Why are you looking at me like that, strawberry?
Ichigo: (smirks) Grimmjow and Ulquiorra, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
Grimmjow: (blushes bright red) Shut the fuck up, carrot top!
Renji: (whistles) I shoulda seen that! I mean, Ulquiorra is always staring at Grimmjow all the time!
Grimmjow: (glares at Ulquiorra) you're what?
Ulquiorra: I am not!
Ichigo: (grinning widely) And Grimmjow is secretly crushing on Ulquiorra too so they are just perfect for one another!
Ulquiorra: You're what?
Grimmjow: I am not!
*Syazel is passing by with Yammy and Grimmjow, eager to make himself look less stupid, points to him*
Grimmjow: Syazel is totally fucking gay!
Syazel: (says calmly) Of course I am!
Grimmjow: What the hell? You're supposed to deny it!
Syazel: Why?
Grimmjow: Because I am trying to humiliate you and I can't humiliate you if you don't get humiliated!
Ichigo: And I always thought Yammy was the dumbass…
Yammy: What did you call me, Kurosaki? (cracks knuckles)
Ichigo: Nothing! It was all in your head, Yammy!
Yammy: (thinks about it) You know what, I think you're right! (lowers his hands)
Ichigo: (looks at him incredulously) Then again, he might just be one notch above you, Grimmjow!
Grimmjow: (glares) Heyyy!
Uryu: Hey, how come I don't know about any of this gossip?
Renji: You're just a social outcast who knits like an old grandma!
Uryu: I do not knit like an old grandma! I sew like an old grandma! (blinks) Wait, that didn't come out right!
Orihime: It's alright, Uryu! I like the idea that you can mend clothes!
Grimmjow: Oh yeah sure! Now that you find out that Ichigo's gay you move on pretty fast!
Ichigo: Stop picking on her!
Grimmjow: Make me!
Ichigo: Fine! I'll tell your boyfriend, Ulquiorra!
Grimmjow: He's not my boyfriend!
Ulquiorra: (at the same time) I'm not his boyfriend!
Grimmjow: And besides, I'm more of the man in the relationship! If there was one! And there isn't!
Ulquiorra: Excuse me?
Grimmjow: Puh-leeze! Have you seen yourself? You look like a hormonal teen goth girl!
Ulquiorra: This is coming from the Arrancar who has the release form of a kitty cat!
Grimmjow: For the last time, it's a panther, not a kitty cat!
Ulquiorra: From what angle?
Grimmjow: From the angle where your eye isn't black when I punch it!
Ichigo: Ah! Young love!
Yammy: Hey, Syazel, what's gay?
Syazel: (grins evilly) It's what you call the strongest Espada! Aizen had reserved it for only the best and they had to fight for the title!
Yammy: Hey! Yammy deserves that title! Yammy should be gay!
Syazel: (laughts maniacally like an evil scientist) Yes, Yammy should!
Ichigo: (inches away from him) You really are the Espada of madness
Renji: (moves his foot in a circle) So, uh, Ichigo? Were you sure when you said you were straight?
Ichigo: Renji. I was drunk. You could have been Kon and I would still have kissed you!
*Kon the stuffed animal waltzes in and hears Ichigo's statement*
Kon: I beg to differ! Now if I were drunk, you would have been my beloved Rukia and-!
Ichigo: KON! What are you doing here? What if someone sees you?
Kon: Stop being so paranoid, Ichigo! Trust me!
Ichigo: That's what I'm afraid of to do!
Kon: By the way, I saw you totally eating pineapple head's face last night!
Renji: What did you call me?
Ichigo: For the love of god, I was fucking drunk! I could have been kissing anyone! Even Yamamoto!
Renji: Oh! So now you're saying that I look like that old geezer?
Ichigo: What I'm just trying to say is that I hadn't meant to kiss you and-!
Renji: Oh, so now I'm not good enough for you, huh? Is that it?
Ichigo: Oh my god! Stop being so over emotional about this!
Renji: You know, I have never been so close to anyone before and you just had to go and crush my feelings!
Ichigo: Are you PMS-ing or something?
Renji: (sniffles) Come to think of it, I did have some weird pills this morning. I thought it looked like ibuprofen.
Orihime: You know, I just realized that my jar of hormonal pills is missing!
*Ichigo and Renji stare at her*
Ichigo: Why do you even have one?
Orihime: (blushes like crazy) The doctor says I need to take them to control my *ahem* growth spurt!
Renji: So wait, it's just going to make me moppy and make my boobs grow smaller? That doesn't sound so bad!
Orihime: Not really. It works differently for different people. Who knows, it might make yours grow
Renji: (shrieks) Holy shit! I'm gonna look like a chick!
Ichigo: (tilts his head to the side) You mean more than normal?
Renji: Fuck you, Ichigo!
Ichigo: You see that is a scary thought considering you might have already done that last night!
*Kon spots Halibel and his eyes pop out*
Kon: Where have you been all my life? (drools as he stares at Halibel's chest)
Halibel: My face is up here, you perv!
Kon: Why would I want to look there?
*Halibel grabs his head and begins to stretch his body. Byakuya shows up*
Byakuya: I am here to do a daily check up on how you are progressing, Kurosaki Ichigo
Ichigo: B-Byakuya! Whats up? We're doing great!
Byakuya: You are to refer to me as Captain Kuchiki, Kurosaki. Where is Rukia?
*Rukia shows up with a measuring tape and is measuring her chest. She looks up with a proud look on her face*
Rukia: See? I told you! I'm a size B!
Byakuya: (gives Ichigo a deathly look) Kurosaki! What is the meaning of this?
Ichigo: It wasn't me! It was Grimmjow! (points at Grimmjow)
Grimmjow: Oh sure! Blame the guy who is straight!
Byakuya: Come to think of it, Kurosaki, I heard that you and my lieutenant are on very intimate terms. I hope that is just a rumour!
Ichigo: For the final time everybody: I WAS DRUNK!
Grimmjow: Yeah, sure, keep telling yourself that but we know the real reason!
Byakuya: Scatter, Senbozakura!
Grimmjow: AAAAHHHHH! (runs away)
Ichigo: (rolls eyes) Sucker
Ulquiorra: Trash
Halibel: Men
Orihime: Cookies!
Uryu: This is stupid. I could be making a new dress right now!
Renji: (looks lovingly at Ichigo) I love you
Ichigo: What the hell?
Renji: It's the hormonal pills talking! I swear!
Ichigo: They better be!
Byakuya: What just happened?
Rukia: well, Renji kissed Ichigo and-!
Byakuya: (loses his calm demeanor) What? Renji, I thought you loved me!
*Rukia has a nosebleed*
Ichigo: Wow! Didn't see that coming!
Nnoitra: (comes back) What did I miss?
Renji: (pokes his chest) I think I got some titties!
Nnoitra: (turns green again and runs away. Everyone can hear him throwing up)
Ichigo: Orihime, what the hell did you put in that chocolate!
Orihime: Well, I tried spinach, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich though the sandwich did have a little green fuzz on it…
Ichigo: (going green) I don't think I want to know now
Orihime: This was quite the Valentine's Day, Kurosaki-kun!
*Ichigo gives her a weird look*
Ichigo: I think it's high time you saw someone, Orihime. Preferably a psychiatrist…
Orihime: Okay! (Smiles. Crickets chirp in the background)
Yammy: I wanna be gay!
Ulquiorra: Tra-
Ichigo: Shut up
Aaaaannnnddd done! I had fun writing this! This basically came about while watching NigHiga's Skitzo and I couldn't stop laughing! Plus, I really wanted to write a comedy after all the action and drama and tension! Don't worry! I won't leave you guys hanging on those chapters! But I just needed to relieve myself and write a little funny stuff, ya know? So if you guy have any requests like 'What would happen at Christmas?' or 'What would happen if Tatsuki had a crush on Grimmjow?' ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING YOU GUYS! Let the requests be as crazy and as absurd as possible and I'll write it you have my word!
So, peace out!
Next topic: (hopefully) what would happen if the Arrancars found out about your momma jokes?