Sean jolted awake in bed as the car alarm a few blocks away started blaring into the cold night. He immediately looked over to his left and saw an empty spot where Alex should have been. He glanced at the clock on the bedside and it blinked 2:13 am. His first thoughts were that she had left in the middle of the night but then he quickly squashed that theory when he saw a sliver of light radiating from the living room illuminating the frame of the bedroom door.
He lowered himself back onto his pillow and sighed. Alex had been distant ever since he had come back from his involuntary "stay" with the CIA. She was happy to see him. That he knew for sure. She had stayed over at his place every night since but something was making her keep her emotional distance from him. Every time he asked her about it she would smile and brush him off and say everything was fine. But he knew her better than she thought. He could literally feel her rebuilding the walls he had so meticulously torn down over the past year.
He had to find out what was wrong. The insecure side of him worried that she just didn't care for him that much anymore but was too noble to tell him the truth. She would give herself over to him physically but not emotionally. The SEAL-side of his brain started running through different scenarios ... she was preparing to let him down easy, she was just using him for now, there was someone else. His mind started to go into overdrive with wild theories before he shook his head and pushed himself up from bed. The night was chilly but his long flannel bottoms were warm enough to pad around the apartment with.
He gently pulled open the bedroom door and stepped into the living room. He saw her sitting on the couch wearing nothing but a t-shirt. The t-shirt looked three sizes too big for her but his heart gave a little tug when he saw that it was one of his old Navy shirts. Her arms were wrapped around her legs and her chin rested on her knees staring at some unknown spot on the floor. He made his way around to the front of the couch so that she could see him and not be startled. She looked up at him as he turned the corner.
He smiled at her as he stopped in front of her not wanting to invade her space by sitting on the couch. "Couldn't sleep?" he asked gently.
"I didn't mean to wake you," she said quietly.
"You didn't. The car alarm down the street went off," he continued keeping his voice soft.
She smiled at his soft tone. She knew he was treating her with kid gloves lately. She didn't want him to but the only way to make him stop was to tell him what was wrong. And she didn't think she was ready for that yet.
He took a few steps closer to her and slowly kneeled so that his face was level with hers. He put one hand on the couch next to her knee. It was close enough so that she could feel the warmth emanating from it on her thigh but far enough so that he wasn't touching her. "What's wrong, Alex?" Sean said his eyes deep with worry.
"Nothing," she replied automatically.
Steeling himself for her reply, he took a breath and said, "We both know something's wrong. Ever since I came back, things have been ... different. You've been distant. At first I thought you just needed some time but now, I'm not so sure."
"What do you mean?" she said with a hint of confusion.
"Is there someone else?" he asked shakily. He had hoped he would never have to ask this question of her but there was no way out now. The cat was out of the bag and he had to face the answer whether he liked it or not.
"What?" she asked now thoroughly confused.
"I know you and Owen are close ..." he trailed off.
Straightening herself from her position on the couch, she looked Sean in the eyes. He thought she and Owen? She couldn't believe him. He thought she was being distant because she had found someone else? Owen? The man was so clueless. She shook her head trying to clear that thought out of her head.
"Sean, sit down," she said to him indicating the spot next to her on the couch.
When he silently sat down, she turned her body to completely face him. "Listen to me carefully. Nothing is going on between Owen and me. We're friends, coworkers. Nothing more, okay?"
Sean nodded looking more confused than ever. "Then what's the problem? Me?"
She took a deep breath and said, "No, Sean. It's me." She refocused her attention to him. "I'm the problem."
"I don't understand," he said forehead furrowed in confusion.
She shook her head from side to side as if trying to clear the confusion she had just caused him. "I don't know how to do this. I don't know what to do." The tears she had fought so hard to hold back started coming out despite her best efforts. "I don't deserve you. If you knew me, really knew me, you wouldn't want anything to do with me," she sobbed out.
"What?" he said with disbelief. "Alex, I know about your past. I know about the slavery. I know what you had to endure." He reached out to touch her but she shrank away tears now flowing freely down her face.
She brushed away her tears before continuing. "You only know what you read in my file. You don't understand, I did ... horrible things. Horrible things were done to me. No person should have had to go through what I did. I can't forget it no matter how hard I try. It's always lurking under the surface ... the shame and the disgust. No matter how many showers I take, I still feel dirty. Used. Don't you understand?" Alex choked the words out between sobs. "You deserve someone normal, someone not scarred and ... damaged. I don't want you to pity me and I don't want you to regret being with me."
Sean looked at her and it was his heart that broke instead. She was curled into herself hugging her knees so hard he thought she would burst. Her face was covered in tears and her eyes were red and swollen. He lowered himself onto the floor so that he was kneeling directly in front of her, almost looking up at her. He gently placed his hands on the couch encircling her small shape.
He let out his breathe slowly and whispered, "Alex ... I want you to look at me. Can you do that?"
Her chin remained on her knees but she shifted her eyes to look down at him.
He smiled gently at her. He slowly moved his hands together so that they were cupping her thighs. His warm hands could feel how icy cold she was. He made sure her eyes were locked to his before he continued in a soft whisper, "Listen to me. You are not dirty. You are not used or damaged. I know it's not fair what happened to you but you can't change any of that now. You took all those bad things and turned them into strengths. You are strong. You are fierce. You are beautiful." Sean paused and moved his hands to frame her tear-stained face. "How can you pity someone you admire? Yes, I admire you. I don't know anyone else who could have gone through what you did and still care so much. There is nothing that I would change about you. Absolutely nothing. And regret? I wake up every night terrified that you won't be there next to me. Does that sound like regret to you?" Sean paused trying to judge her reaction. "Alex, I love every part of you, even if you can't."
Alex looked at Sean and searched his face for doubt and found none. He was telling the truth. She still couldn't believe that he had wanted to be with her let alone continue to love her after hearing what she thought of herself. What had she done to deserve love like this? She slowly unfolded herself from the tight ball she had made herself and reached for him. Her arms found their way around his neck and she pulled him into a tight embrace burying her wet face into the crook of his neck. She felt his hands circle around her waist in an equally tight hold. She hadn't even noticed that she was ice cold until she hit the warmth of his body. After what seemed like forever, she felt him shift his left arm away from her waist and under her legs. Like she weighed nothing, he pulled them both up from the couch and headed towards the bedroom.
As he moved past the bedroom door, she brought her head up from his neck and locked her eyes into his as her gently lowered her down to the bed. Sean slid silently into bed after her and wrapped his arm around her waist resting his hand on her stomach. Feeling his warm chest on her back, she reached for his hand on her stomach and pulled it up to her chest where she covered it with both hands. "I love you," Sean said softly as he settled his head behind hers on the pillow and gently kissed her shoulder where her t-shirt had slipped off. She closed her eyes and allowed herself the smallest smile.
They stayed like that until Alex heard the rhythms of Sean's breathing steady out. It was only then that she had the courage to say to him what she couldn't when he was awake. She whispered, "I love you, too" before drifting off to sleep herself. For the first time in as long as she could remember, she slept a dreamless sleep.