Break Me, Mend Me
Adeline Hawke thoroughly loathed Heart Day.
Ever since she was little, she'd had to watch as other couples giggled and kissed each other during the holiday – which she completely believed had been made up by the Merchant's Guild in order to force people into buying things like expensive chocolates and jewelery. Varric had disavowed knowledge of any such conspiracy, but a glance around The Hanged Man at her various companions did nothing to sway her opinion that the holiday was an absolute, made-up piece of shit.
Merrill was precariously perched on one of Isabela's knees, blushing as the lusty pirate queen fed her chocolates by hand. Aveline and Donnic were sitting at a corner table, making eyes at each other in a way that was both sweet and slightly disturbing at the same time, and Adeline watched as they exchanged their own gifts. Being the more practical sort of people, Aveline had gotten Donnic an expensive sharpening kit for his sword while he had given her a special metal polish for her shield and armor. The two of them immediately made their way to the door after the gift exchange, Aveline letting out a rather uncharacteristic giggle after Donnic whispered something in her ear. Adeline's amber eyes next fell upon Varric, who – while unaccompanied by a living, breathing entity – was quietly humming that damned song he wouldn't tell anyone the origin of while holding his crossbow to his chest and gently rocking back and forth as he stroked it lovingly.
With a heavy sigh, she turned to the empty seat next to her. She'd been hopeful that this might be the year her feelings finally changed about the holiday, now that she and Fenris had reconciled and were back together, but her subtle hints had apparently fallen upon deaf ears. Ironic, she thought, since elves were said to have an almost unnatural hearing ability. Worse still, when she had asked him to join her for drinks he had told her he already had plans. She couldn't help wondering what those plans were, but she was at least relieved to see Isabela was otherwise occupied because it meant that he wasn't spending the night with her.
She hated to admit it, but even though she'd forgiven them both for their brief affair it still got to her. Isabela was everything she wasn't – exotic, buxom, very experienced in bed. Fenris had sounded like their trysts had been quite satisfying when she caught them discussing one of them in her foyer, and she had her doubts that she could truly match up, despite him telling her that she was the only one he wanted and needed. She didn't even care about Varric's little pep talk he'd given her about how she'd be able to tell Fenris truly loved her. None of it mattered until he said the words, himself – which he had still failed to do. She'd even invited him to move in with her several times since their relationship had been mended, telling him she loved him and wanted to have him near her always, but he'd adamantly refused and so she still spent most nights alone in her bed.
"You look how I feel."
Adeline looked up just as Anders took a seat across from her and refilled the empty glass in front of her before filling his own from the same bottle. It struck her how tired he'd seemed lately, and tonight the effect was even worse. He had dark circles under his eyes, his skin was deathly pale, and even the slight smile he flashed at her was weak and forced.
"You hate this so-called 'holiday,' too?" she asked him, scooping up the drink and downing it in a single shot.
"Well, I used to like it," her fellow mage replied with a wistful sigh. "There used to be a time when I would have some pretty little thing helping me celebrate it. Things have changed, though."
Adeline scoffed, nodding toward a group of off-duty workers from The Blooming Rose. "There's plenty of women in here who I'm sure would take you up on the offer of a private party."
"I'm afraid I've been spoiled," Anders told her with a knowing smile. "After one spends the night with the Champion, there's not much higher one can go, after all."
"Anders, please," Adeline warned him, her tone more weary than sharp. "Could we not discuss that? We both agreed it would be best if we just stayed friends."
"I know," he replied, staring sullenly into his drink. "Your heart will always belong to that blasted elf. But I don't see him here, tonight."
Adeline shifted uncomfortably in her seat at his remark, and wondered if the rest of her friends had noticed the lack of Fenris' presence. Even if they hadn't, a cursory glance at the other patrons in the tavern told her that a few people had definitely taken notice. They were casting glances at her and whispering to one another behind their hands, no doubt noting that the ever-present elf with the dour expression and menacing greatsword – who was heavily rumored to be the Champion's lover – was suspiciously absent from her company.
Then she realized what else they might be thinking. She was there, alone, on a holiday reserved for lovers. Anders had joined her and they were drinking together. A groan escaped her lips and she snatched the bottle he had brought to the table with him in order to take a long swig of the strong alcohol. In the morning, there were bound to be rumors floating around that she was secretly seeing the healer behind her elven lover's back. She only hoped Fenris didn't hear any of them before she managed to get to Elegant and have her help put a stop to it. Not that Fenris ever really paid any mind to the gossip around town, but he would use whatever excuse he could find to warrant killing 'the abomination' – as he so lovingly referred to Anders.
"I should go," Adeline stated as she stood up to leave, swaying momentarily on her feet.
"Are you sure you're okay to walk home by yourself?" Anders asked, immediately getting up from his seat and reaching out to steady her.
"I'm not going home," she informed him, saying the words a bit more loudly than was needed in the hopes that some of the gossiping patrons would overhear. "I'm going to see Fenris so I can find out what the blazes was so much more important than spending time with me, tonight."
As soon as the words left her mouth, she wished she hadn't said them so loudly. There was a renewed burst of chatting amongst the gossips, who were now no doubt talking about the lovers' quarrel between her and Fenris which had inevitably driven her into the arms of another man. Swearing under her breath at her momentary lapse in judgment, she headed out of the tavern and began the trek toward Fenris' mansion in Hightown.
If the scene in The Hanged Man had been bad, the one outside was worse. Couples were walking the streets en masse – some of them holding hands, others with their arms draped around one another and their bodies touching – and many of them were whispering sweet words to one another and stealing kisses. Adeline even saw a few duck into darkened alleyways. She hated them all. How dare they flaunt their love when she couldn't even get the man she'd been in love with for almost six years to admit his true feelings about her?
By the time she finally reached the front door of the dilapidated mansion that Fenris lived in, she was more angry than depressed. He'd walked out on her after their first night together, left her alone to mourn her mother's death, walked away once more when what would have been their reconciliation after her defeat of the Arishok was interrupted by Merrill, and then committed the ultimate act of betrayal by having an affair with her best friend. Granted, they weren't technically together when the affair was going on – and she'd had a moment of weakness after her mother's death and spent a night with Anders – but it had still hurt. Now, the one time she requested that he go out with her, he had blown her off and basically told her that she wasn't really the most important thing in his life as he'd claimed.
"Fenris!" she called as soon as she entered the dusty foyer of the mansion, then she waited for his reply with her arms folded across her chest – a reply which never came. Her blood ran cold as the sound of her voice echoed hollowly through the house, and with each step she took up the stairs to his bedroom her heart began to pound louder and louder in her ears.
"Fenris?" she called once more as she stood before the door, then held her breath and pushed it open to find a dark and empty room.
The fire, which Fenris always kept burning in the hearth because it provided the only source of warmth in the entire house, was cold. The numerous candles which littered the room had all been snuffed out. Perhaps most disturbing, however, was that even in the dim moonlight filtering in through the window next to the bed Adeline could see that the few personal belongings Fenris kept were missing from the room. Her breath caught in her throat at the sudden realization that the man she loved had left her for good.
She should have seen it coming. He was a free man, now, no longer tied to his former master. He'd longed for that freedom for so long, and what had she done? She tried to tie him to her, to enslave him in a different sort of way. It made sense that he would only take so much of it before leaving. Still, she'd believed his words when he swore himself to her completely. Then again, it might have been nothing more than a vow made in the throes of passion as they made love in that very room for the first time in three years.
Turning back toward the door, she noticed a familiar sight out of the corner of her eye: a bottle of Aggregio sitting on the table, near his favorite chair. She slowly crossed over to the able, her gaze becoming a bit hazy with each step she took as she remembered the day she'd given it to him. It was the anniversary of the day they'd first met, which they had decided to consider his birthday since he couldn't remember when it actually was. She had suggested it jokingly, but in one of his rare romantic moments he'd agreed that it was a fine idea because his new life away from Danarius hadn't truly begun until the day he met her.
Adeline uncorked the nearly-empty bottle and drank deeply from what was left within it, then hurled the bottle across the room. It smashed loudly against the stone wall, and the glass shards crumbled to the floor as the bittersweet red wine dripped slowly down the wall. She let out a single laugh, recalling how Fenris had done the same exact thing during the first private conversation they'd had with one another, then she made her way over to the old, threadbare loveseat in front of the fireplace and laid down.
She had sworn to herself she would never shed another tear over him, but she couldn't help it. Everything in her vision swam as the tears began to burn their way down her face, and she cursed herself because even now – with him having left her her in such a sudden and complete way – she still loved him. If he walked through the bedroom door that moment, she knew she would run straight into his arms. But he didn't, and she was left alone to cry herself to sleep in the dark and cold stillness of the room which had been once been their private sanctuary, far away from the responsibilities of her life as the Champion of Kirkwall.
When Adeline awoke sometime later, she was quite confused. As she began to stir, she noted that her surroundings had grown considerably warmer and she could tell even through her closed eyelids that the room was much brighter than the one she had fallen asleep in. The surface under her wasn't the lumpy old loveseat, but a much softer bed – and she wasn't alone. She said a mental prayer to the Maker that she hadn't somehow gone back to The Hanged Man in search of a certain mage, then tentatively ran her fingers over the arm that was draped around her. She couldn't tell from the sleeve of the shirt, but when she reached her sleeping companion's hand and felt the slightly raised markings upon the skin she immediately rolled over and opened her eyes.
"The sleeping beauty awakens," Fenris remarked, his voice a bit raspier than usual due to having just awoken, himself. His green eyes were hazy, blocked partially by his shocking white hair which fell into his face, and Adeline found herself automatically brushing it out of the way as she shifted closer to him and pressed her lips to his.
"Tell me I'm not dreaming," she pleaded, brushing her lips over his as she shook her head slowly. Fenris chuckled and tightened his arm around her, one of his legs sliding between hers.
"It's not a dream," Fenris assured her.
"Good," she replied. "Then you'll be able to feel this."
Her hand came down sharply and she slapped him hard in the face, causing him to jerk back in shock. His eyes were wide and full of confusion, and he raised a hand to gently rub his stinging cheek as he sat up next to her on the bed.
"What did you do that for?" he demanded, his voice taking on a bit of a growling quality.
"I went looking for you, and you were gone, Fenris!" Adeline yelled at him, sitting up as well. "I thought you had left for good!"
"I did leave for good!" Fenris shouted back. "Because you told me to!"
"What?!"
Fenris merely pointed behind her and Adeline whipped her head in the direction of his finger with an exasperated sigh. All of her anger immediately faded at the sight before her. Everything that had been missing from his mansion – all of his personal belongings – were neatly stacked in a corner of her room. His long, burgundy-colored coat was draped over the chair at her desk, and his sword was resting against the wall alongside her staff.
"Fenris..."
"I'd planned for it to be a surprise," he explained to her. "I was assuming you'd come home after spending a bit of time at the tavern, and so I had Bodahn cook something for us to eat so we could spend the night together here – in our bed."
She felt herself starting to cry again, but this time they were tears of joy. Of all the things he could have given her for her most-loathed holiday, this was the best she could have ever hoped for. He'd taken down the last barrier preventing them from being a true couple. Well... One of them.
"It seems my plan backfired rather badly," Fenris told her, gently pulling her back into his arms and kissing her. "I didn't mean to make you think I had left you for good. I could never do that. I love you, Adeline."
And there the final barrier came crashing down.
Adeline turned to look up into his eyes, a content smile spreading across her face.
"Say it again," she requested as he reached up to brush the tears from her cheeks.
"I love you," he replied, and her breath caught at the sincerity of his words. He smiled at her and rested his forehead against hers as he once more repeated the words she had been longing to hear come from his lips.
"I love you, Fenris," she replied. "I have for so long, and I always will."
She kissed him before another wave of emotion could overtake her, and – unlike the last time they had found themselves sitting together on her bed – he was happy to comply to her desires.