AN: This is crack. You have been warned. Do not take this seriously. It is deliberately out of character for the sake of humour.

Characterizations are based upon those from If Three's a Crowd, Reversing Causality, Split, Lessons and Those of Wit and Learning. There is no need to have any knowledge of those, however, if you have, you may find certain parts of this funnier.

Parvati Patil's eyes opened slowly, blinking in the morning light that filled her dorm.

The solitude of the morning was soon interrupted by a loud clattering sound.

'Oops! Sorry, Parvati, I didn't wake you, did I?'

Parvati watched Hermione pick up a strange metal device. Half of the girl's hair was bushy, half of it was neat and straight.

'What is that, Hermione?'

'It's a Muggle hair straightener. My parents gave it to me for Christmas.'

'Why are you straightening your hair?'

It was rather unusual for Hermione Granger to go to so much effort with her appearance...particularly on an ordinary day of classes.

Hermione giggled.

'I've got a date!'

Parvati gaped.

'With- with who?'

'Theodore Nott.'

Parvati was speechless.

'I mean, who knew that a Pureblood Slytherin would love Muggle literature so much? Or be pro-elf rights?'

'How-how long has this been going on?'

'Ever since we met in the Library, of course! In the Equality and Rights section, on a Tuesday, at seven o'clock, he said to me...'

Parvati just backed out of the dorm slowly.

Just outside the door, she was tackled by Lavender.

'Vati! Vati! Guess what just happened! I'm getting married! The love of my life just proposed!'

But he doesn't even know that Lavender likes him...

'Seamus proposed?'

Lavender shook her head.

'Not him, silly! I got over him ages ago! No, Sybil proposed, and gave me this ring! Isn't it pretty?'

Professor Trelawney appeared out of nowhere, and put an arm around Lavender.

'I did tell you, my dears, it was written in the leaves...'

Parvati fled to the boys' dorm.

'Give me back my favourite maroon jumper, Harry!'

'Not until you say you love me back! I know you do, Ron! I know it!'

Harry loves Ron?

Ron likes maroon?

'Ron, I've finally realized, after all these years, that we're soulmates! You're always there for me, always have been, since that day on the train, and you're a loyal friend, even though I and everyone else gives you hell-'

'Give me back my jumper! It goes perfectly with my maroon trousers, and maroon socks, and maroon shirt! Maroon goes perfectly with my skin tone! That's what my mum's been trying to tell me all these years!'

Parvati turned her back on the boys wrestling over a jumper, only to notice Dean taking down his West Ham poster.

He then proceeded to set it on fire.

'Dean? What are you doing? You love West Ham!'

He shook his head.

'Nah, Vati, Tottenham are so much better! It took me years to realize, but I've seen the light! Go Spurs!'

His cry was answered by Seamus.

'Go Bulgaria! Come on, Krum! Go Volkov! Get the Irish!'

Parvati looked at him as if he'd gone mad.

(He quite possibly had.)

'Seamus? But you support Ireland!'

The Irish boy shook his head.

'I used to support Ireland. But then I met this Bulgarian girl just after the Cup, and I'm really, really serious about her, so to prove to her parents that I'm not just an Irish prat, I'm now a proud Bulgaria supporter! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go practice my supporting.'

Parvati turned and ran.

The Common Room was nearly empty for once, except for Neville sitting by the fire, staring into its depths.

Parvati approached him warily.

Maybe he can tell me what's going on...

'Neville?'

The round-faced boy turned to her. He looked worried.

'Are you alright?'

'Yeah...I'm just a little worried, Parvati. Trevor's been gone a very long time this time, and I'm worried he might not come back...'

Her brow furrowed.

'Then why don't you go look for him?'

His shoulders slumped.

'He told me to stay here, because it's too dangerous! Trevor's a secret agent, Parvati! That's why he was always sneaking off, and that's why I could never find him! But it's a dangerous job. What if he doesn't come home?'

He looked on the verge of tears, so Parvati felt rather guilty about leaving him by the fire.

She ran to McGonagall's office.

Perhaps her Head of House and no-nonsense Transfiguration Professor would be able to explain the madness.

She was surprised to see Luna Lovegood there.

She was also surprised when Luna addressed her.

'Miss Patil! Your nightdress is not fit attire for walking the halls! Go change at once! How was that, Professor?'

McGongall smiled.

'Excellent, Ms Lovegood. You're progressing very well through my lessons. Now, do tell me more about the Crumple-Horned Snorckack.'

'Professor-'

'You seem rather bothered by Wrackspurts today. Here, borrow my Spectrespecs.'

Parvati turned on her heel and ran.

While Wrackspurts were to be expected from Luna, from Professor McGonagall, they were downright disturbing.

'Parvati?'

She looked up cautiously, and recognized Anthony Goldstein, Ravenclaw Prefect, close friend of Padma's.

'Yes, Anthony?'

'Padma asked me to escort you to Ravenclaw Tower. She needs to speak with you urgently.'

Parvati frowned.

'Then why didn't she come herself?'

Anthony placed an arm around her shoulders, leading her towards her sister's Common Room.

'Well, she's in a bit of a delicate condition right now, so it'd be better if you came to her. And I must say, you're looking particularly beautiful today.'

She was in her nightdress. Her hair was a mess. She hadn't brushed her teeth.

'Thank-thank you?'

He grinned.

'No problem. I've always got a compliment for a gorgeous girl. How about I treat you to Butterbeer sometime?'

Parvati was very, very disturbed, and very, very worried.

Not just because it sounded like Padma was dying or something, but also because the guy she was talking to was flirting with her rather heavily.

She was talking to Anthony Goldstein.

Anthony Goldstein who couldn't really talk to girls who aren't Padma about stuff that isn't school-related without going red in the face, stuttering and being awkward.

'Why, Parvati, you're looking rather pale. I suppose my transformation has startled you, but I've been taking lessons and my instructor says that I've greatly improved...'

'Vati!'

Padma nearly tackled Parvati as soon as she entered the room. (Which was the Ravenclaw boys' dorm for some reason.)

Parvati patted her twin on the back, as the Ravenclaw girl sobbed into her dress.

'Vati...I'm pregnant.'

Parvati's legs gave out under her, and they tumbled to the floor.

Pregnant? Sensible, responsible, Prefect Padma? Padma who'd only ever been on one date with one boy, who'd never had a boyfriend, who as far as Parvati knew, had never even held hands with a boy? Pregnant?

'H-how? Who's the father?'

'I am.'

A boy stepped out from the shadows beside one of the beds, and helped Padma to her feet, holding her close as she cried into his shirt.

Parvati heaved herself into a sitting position on the bed beside her, and was startled to recognize Terry Boot.

Nearly emotionless, responsible, controlled Terry Boot, who never dated girls, and as far as she knew, hadn't ever shown any hint of liking her sister in any way beyond friendship, was the father of her sister's baby?

How did that happen?

Even if they were completely drunk on Firewhiskey, and Confunded, I don't think they'd actually be able to lose control enough to...or even want to...

Heck, they're just friends! They don't date! They don't even like each other that way! They haven't ever liked anyone that way for the matter! They wouldn't even get into a situation that would bring them near alcohol!

'How-how did this happen?'

Terry, impassive Terry, actually looked somewhat frazzled and ashamed.

'I made a mistake.'

She rolled her eyes.

'Of course you did. The rest of this story better be pretty good, or I'll kill you for knocking up my sister.'

Even if today had been absolutely crazy, her sister was pregnant at school and she was going to kill the guy who did that to her.

'Pad had really bad cramps, and the usual spells weren't working. She'd been up to the Hospital Wing, and Madam Pomfrey couldn't do much either. So I offered to create a spell to make them go away-'

That did sound feasible.

Terry, she knew, was fond of inventing spells in his spare time. He was also very good at inventing spells.

However...

'Do you expect me to believe that she jumped into bed with you in gratitude?'

He shook his head frantically.

'No, no! We've never had sex!'

'Sis, is that true?'

Padma nodded weakly.

'Then how in the name of Merlin is she pregnant with your child?'

Terry sighed.

'As I said, I made a mistake. A slight mistake when developing the spell. You know that story that Flitwick told you in First Year? Well, he was right. One tiny mistake can really alter a spell...I managed to make the cramps go away...by magically impregnating her.'

Everything went black.

Parvati Patil's eyes shot open.

She was lying in the Hospital Wing.

Madam Pomfrey bustled over.

'Oh good, you're awake. Do you remember what happened? You fainted...'

AN: Yeah, that probably didn't make much sense.

I was aiming for 'feasible crack', which is probably an oxymoron. How'd I go?