Naruto News Show
By PikaFlash And the News Team
Special Edition: The Fire Country Elections
Disclaimers: Almost all of the (fake) News Reports and ideas are mine. The Characters and scenes are not.
Summary: The fate of the world now lies in the hands of the people of Fire Country as they decide who will be the Daimyo's right hand man (.aka the Prime Minister), Orochimaru or someone named Jounochi Kastuya.
Presenters:
Uzumaki Naruto
Nara Shikamaru
Inuzuka Kiba
Hyuuga Neji
Before the Elections
This special edition of the Naruto News Show is brought to you by...
Ichiraku's Ramen, the only place in Konoha with the best and freshest Ramen...
Naruto, Shikamaru, Neji and Kiba were at a news desk, within a building where Konoha Chunins were counting votes for the upcoming Fire Country Elections. Naruto starts off the show.
"Welcome to the Naruto News Show Special Edition, where we give you the latest news on the Fire Country Elections, straight from the room that counts the votes. Tonight, we look at how the race between Orochimaru and current Prime Minister, Jounochi Katsuya continue to gather votes in the Fire Country Elections. We now look at the head-to-head stats of the potential Prime Ministers."
Stats:
Jounochi Katsuya:
Resides: Fire Country Capital, Prime Minister's Palace
Influences: Motou Yugi, Jiraiya and Fujiwara Takumi
Biggest Regret: Almost completing the entire collection of Yu-Gi-Oh cards, but keeps on getting doubles of the ones he already has.
Orochimaru:
Age: Depending on his choice of body
Resides: Anywhere but where Akatsuki could find him
Influences: Voldemort, Uchiha Itachi and Sephiroth
"It's more of a broken record," said Neji. "I mean, the only person capable to be Prime Minister is Jounochi Katsuya. If Orochimaru had any chance, we'd all be dead by now."
"That's right," adds Shikamaru. "According to the Polls, Orochimaru has zero percent. Anyway, let us look at what Jounochi's personal website says about that statement. Neji?"
Neji types in the address http(colon, double slash)jounochikatsuyaforprimeminister(dot)com(dot)jpand suddenly, his computer was bombarded by spam mail from Jounochi Katsuya Supporters. "What the hell? Whenever I do something about Jounichi, I get bombarded by spam by his supporters."
"How troublesome," adds Shikamaru.
Kiba shakes his head. "I can't believe Jounochi would want to support the people who support him by spamming the citizens of Fire Country.
"I get more Emails from Jounochi's supporters than from that African Bank," commented Neji. "But since they really went so far to spam the computers of every Fire Country citizen, we thought it would be nice to pay them a visit and give some spam in return..."
Earlier, in the Fire Country Capital, Neji was at the entrance to the Jounochi Katsuya's Supporters Offices.
"Did any of you guys order 20 kilograms of SPAM?" asked Neji.
Without waiting for an answer, Neji takes a large bucket of spam (the meat, not the Email) and pours the entire bucket of spam at the front door to the Jounochi Katsuya's Supporters Office in the Fire Country Capital.
"And if you like to support Jounochi's spam campaign, why not email to him about every two minutes or so to his work address, jono(at)firecountry(dot)gov(dot)jp," said Naruto.
"Or why not sign him up for spam for the next ten years?" suggested Shikamaru. "I know I have."
"Lucky for him, no one knows his private email address is KJo40(at)narumail(dot)com(dot)jp," "commented Neji.
"In other news, what about the status in Konoha?" asked Kiba.
"You mean the Hokage, Tsunade?" said Shikamaru. "Well, poor Tsunade got some big problems when she took Jiraiya on a 100000 Ryou Holiday. Any figures, Neji?"
Neji looks at his computer. "I think I lost Konoha on the Fire Country Map."
"Have you checked overseas yet, Neji?" asked Kiba.
"Wait, I found Konoha," said Neji. "It's in Los Angeles. And after that, it's going to make a quick stopover to South Korea, before heading back to Japan."
"Well, the problem with Tsunade is that her trips seem to last longer than her losing streaks," said Naruto. "But, look, that's just business. I don't even care who she is taking on her trips."
"Exactly," said Shikamaru. "A de facto couple has just as much right to a scandal as a married couple. And thank the Pikachu that the Fire Country's Government recognizes all couples."
"Except gays, obviously," said Neji.
"Obviously," said Naruto, Shikamaru and Kiba in unison.
Advertisement
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'Everyone in Konoha may have forgotten, but one person hasn't...'
A Snake Charmer from the Fire Country capital was wearing an arm sling.
'Orochimaru broke this innocent snake charmer's arm when Orochimaru was still a Jounin.'
Orochimaru VS. Fire Country's Resident Snake Charmer, on Naruto-PPV. 50000000 Ryou per minute.
The snake charmer was holding his arsenal of Snakes. "Come on! I can take you on, Orochimaru!"
He Votes!
The Naruto News Team were back in the election room.
"Welcome back to the Naruto News Show Special," said Naruto. "Kiba, you have a special report?"
Kiba smiled. "That's right, I have a special report on another Prime Minister Elect who could never ever be the Prime Minister of Fire Country...
The Naruto Election Test
Test Subject: Choji Akimichi
Weakness: Food
Kiba was standing in front of a group of reporters interviewing Choji. "Can this Prime Minister Elect survive an interview without needing a snack?"
Test 1: A piece of Buttered Corn
Kiba runs into the group of reporters holding the buttered corn and gives it to Choji with no problems at all.
Fail!
Test 2: A delicious drumstick
Kiba appears from the group of reporters holding out the delicious chicken drumstick instead of a microphone. Choji was distracted by the drumstick.
Fail!
Test 3: A bowl of Ramen suspended over Choji
Choji looks up and sees the bowl of ramen hanging off a boom microphone right in front of Chouji's face. "What the...?"
'He had a bit of resistance at first, but wait till we add the chopsticks.'
Kiba appeared, putting the chopsticks into the bowl.
Fail!
"Sorry to interrupt you guys there," said Naruto. "But we have just received reports that Sakura Kinomoto has broken into the studio."
Security camera footage
Security Guard Choji runs in a corridor, searching for Sakura.
The security camera has found a pink-haired girl kicking Lee in the groin before through slamming Lee into the wall with barely little effort at all. Fortunately, Choji appeared and tackled the girl before anything else could happen.
"Well, luckily for us, the security guards has caught her before anything could happen to us," Naruto announced to the others. "Anyway, Neji, what are the voting stats on Fire Country's Mitsubishi City?"
Neji looks at his computer, which has an image of a Mitsubishi Lancer. "Well, the Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution IX has a 2.0 L engine, a boosting power output of 286 HP, with a torque of..."
"Erm, Neji, we're talking about Mitsubishi City, not the car," said Shikamaru.
"Oh." Neji looks at his computer. "It seems that I can't seem to find it on the Fire Country Map." The Mitsubishi Lancer on Neji's Computer drives off.
"You have the Byakugan and you can't even find a small city on a map?" said Kiba, with the sarcasm.
"If I use it, all I would see is just what's inside my computer screen."
"Anyway, with a few minutes to go before the Fire Country votes for it's new Prime Minister, in what happens to be the third most important vote in the Fire Country, after Konoha Big Brother and Konoha Idol."
"And here's what I can find on the real trends in the voting," said Neji, typing on his computer.
Current Voting trends
Orochimaru: 49 Percent
Jounochi: 49 Percent
Don't Care: 1.98 Percent
Nara Family: 0.02 percent
"And there's a huge rise in the 'Don't Care' Vote," Neji added. "With the results of my own private phone polling, which was last night at around 3 am, there were increases in votes for 'Do you know what time it is?', 'If you call again, I'll ring the cops' and 'Is that you, Neji?'."
"Well, the poll is really all over the place, Neji," said Shikamaru. "Who do you believe? Uchiha's got Orochimaru ahead, while NaruPoll has its tips on Jounochi. And the Nara Medical Association is backing a landslide for Akimichi."
Naruto nods. "And just how family friendly are most Politicians are? We went to the Fire Country Capital to test the credentials of Jounochi. How will he cope, when confronted by a baby stunt by Sasuke and Sakura?
Married couple Sasuke and Sakura were meeting Jounochi and Sakura was carrying her baby.
"We have a bit of a health issue with our baby, so, would you like to have a look at it?" asked Sasuke.
Jounochi shrugs. "Why not? Anything for the citizens of Fire Country."
"Do you want to have a hold?" asked Sakura.
"Sure."
As Jounochi was about to hold the baby, the baby slips out of Sakura's hands, past Jounochi's hands, falling onto the floor.
"My baby!" screamed Sakura.
"Oh shit! You drop the baby!" Sasuke screamed.
"Oh my god! My baby!"
Jounochi looks at the baby, which turns out to be a fake.
Kiba, Naruto, Neji and Shikamaru were having a big laugh.
"By the way, speaking of Sasuke, you can catch Sasuke Uchiha on the next issue of 'Icha Icha for Girls'," said Naruto, while trying to contain his laughter.
"Anyway, Neji. What are the predicted stats for the election?" asked Kiba.
Neji prepares an animation on his computer. "If Orochimaru wins the election, this is what will happen to Konoha."
Neji's Flash Animation
Neji's animated Konoha is on screen. When Orochimaru becomes the Prime Minister of Fire Country, a pet shop that sells only snakes appeared right next to the village entrance.
"Snakes will become legal tender in the Fire Country," said Neji. "But when Jounochi becomes a leader..."
The pet shop next to Konoha gets instantly demolished, sending the poor snakes flying out of the destroyed building, courtesy of ANBU with permission from both the Hokage and the Prime Minister of the Fire Country, Jounochi Katsuya.
"We'd be demolishing every pet shop selling snakes from Konoha to Suna," finished Neji.
"I agree," said Naruto. "Well, that's all we have for the Naruto News Show special election edition. Tune in next time when we have news like..."
Harry Potter not getting his phone call, in case he throws a phone at a police officer.
A thrown phone hits Naruto in the head.
After the Elections
Presenters:
Jounochi Naruto
Jounochi Shikamaru
Jounochi Kiba
Hyuuga Yugi
"Welcome to the Naruto News Special Election Coverage," said Naruto. "Just after the elections, let us look at the aftermath."
Shikamaru was holding a chart. "Well, from the official polls, Jounochi is now the greatest Prime Minister of the Fire Country, even starting to show off his power by construction some new monuments."
A giant Duel Monsters Championship trophy was behind Naruto, Shikamaru, Kiba and Neji.
"Though I would say that after seeing some of the new monuments, it would be a bit too late to vote for Orochimaru," said Kiba, looking at the giant trophy.
"Well, if Jounochi let's the power go to his head, he will become a giant Saiyan Ape," said Neji. "Just like this Animation I made."
Neji's Flash Animation
Neji creates an animated Prime Minister Jounochi and an animated Orochimaru. Neji adds in an item onto Jounochi called 'New Political Power', and suddenly, the animated Jounochi transformed into an animated Saiyan Ape.
"With that effect, Jounochi promises that his giant Saiyan Ape that he will restrain himself in the total destruction of Orochimaru, the Uchiha Mansion and Endangered Forests."
Neji's Animated Ape easily crushed a mini-Orochimaru with one stomp. Followed by jumping into Konoha straight from the Fire Country Capital, with both feet landing straight onto the Uchiha Mansion. After that, the Saiyan ape fires a laser from it's mouth, straight into the bug forest (from Naruto episodes 148 to 151), completely obliterating every single life form living there, leaving behind a mushroom-shaped cloud.
"With that, I'd think I can label this as the single worst attack on Konoha, even with Orochimaru's and Kyuubi's attack combined," said Shikamaru. "Other than that, we are alright that Jounochi is not abusing his power because the people voted for him."
"You think that's fair, Naruto?" asked Kiba.
Naruto had a big smile. "Of course it's fair. It's the result of the people of this country. By placing power into the hands of someone like Jounochi, people will be frightened to death by such wanton destruction as demonstrated by Neji's animation, which is very good, by the way."
"Thank you, Naruto."
"Anyway, we've just sent Sasuke up in the air to ask what he thinks.
Sasuke jumped out of the plane with his tandem jumper.
"Oh shit! I left my questions on the plane! Should I go back up there and get..."
Suddenly, Sasuke was cut off...
"Sasuke! Sasuke!" called out Naruto. "Well, it looks like we have some technical difficulties with Sasuke."
"Wait!" called out Kiba. "I got a better view of Sasuke from my angle..."
Both Sasuke and his Tandem jumper crash landed into a container ship in the Wave Country, causing the ship to sink…
"Uh oh..." The four looked at each other, wondering what to do next, after Sasuke's accident.
"Maybe we should cut to a break," said Naruto.
Advertisement: Sasuke Uchiha's Beat the Flyer Challenge
Sasuke was outside a building where citizens are supposed to enter their votes.
"Hello, I'm Sasuke Uchiha. Many of you wonder why do people give you flyers on how to vote, no matter how many times you have voted before? Well, watch me on the different methods on how to avoid those annoying flyers."
Attempt 1: Wearing an ANBU Straitjacket...
As other voters are being given flyers as they try to enter the building, Sasuke happens to walk by, wearing an ANBU straitjacket.
"Sorry! Wearing a straitjacket. Can't take any of your flyers."
Unfortunately for Sasuke, a volunteer happens to place a flyer inside Sasuke's back pants pocket.
Fail!
Attempt 2: The ancient art of camouflage
Sasuke was hiding inside a box. He tries to sneak past the flyer holding volunteer, but the box proved to be no deterrent as the volunteer puts a flyer on top of Sasuke's box.
Fail!
Attempt 3: Firing out of a cannon towards the front door
Sasuke was standing across the street from the building where voters are trying to make their way through a barrage of volunteers trying to give out flyers. Sasuke walks to a circus cannon.
"My final attempt is to get shot out of this cannon and end up past those volunteers. Excuse me while I get ready."
Sasuke puts on a crash helmet and climbs into the cannon. "Fire!"
The cannon fired Sasuke straight at the building, but to Sasuke's horror, he was off target, crashing straight into a wall. But at least he got past those annoying volunteers. Sasuke quickly recovered thanks to a very crushed Crash Helmet. For some unknown reason, the Final Fantasy Victory theme is played to celebrate Sasuke's success.
"And that, my friends, is how you get to avoid those flyers."
Sasuke slowly walks to a waiting ambulance.
Success!
Naruto, Kiba, Neji and Shikamaru were back inside the Newsroom.
"Well, after all the pointless stuff, we would like to finally congratulate Jounochi Katsuya for his victory of being the Prime Minister for the 2nd time running," commented Naruto.
"We have done our best to bring you the latest information on the Fire Country elections," said Kiba.
"Do you think our job is well secure after this?" asked Shikamaru.
Neji smiled and place his arms around his head. "Well, I'd say that our jobs are well secured."
At that instant, a giant animated Ape Foot slam through the ceiling and stomped the news team, crushing the desk and anything underneath the foot.
In Konoha, Neji's Giant Animated Saiyan Ape was hanging on the side of the Hokage building, acting like an ape (obviously).
END