"Hello Gorgeous, Hi."
She is so tired and her eyes are closed but she can't bear to sleep. She wants to stay conscious and hold onto this memory of the first interaction between Toby and their new arrival, who is barely more than a few hours old and can barely stay awake themselves. But it doesn't matter, they are here, they are both here safe and loved and will both be going home tomorrow with Toby.
"I love you. I love you very,very much"
In the last 10 hours she has never heard the word so many times in all her life. "I love you and everything is going to be fine." "I love you baby, your doing so well." "I love you Hap, your almost there." "I love you, your ok, your ok. I promise you are going to be ok." "Hap, I love you. You can do this." and when it was all becoming to much, the pain,the pressure, the pounding in her head, when it had been going on to long, he was there. "Come on baby this is it, the last few, last few moments of just you and me love, just a few more big pushes and we'll be family of three Hap, baby you can do this."
Before she knew it, it really was all over, but she would remember it forever. Just how shocked and amazed and shakey his voice had sounded, like all the air had been sucked from his lungs, as if the first sight of their healthy, beautiful, 10 fingered and 10 toed infant was more than is heart could handle. " My god. Happy. I love you. I love you so much, you did it. You did it."
The moment their little one had been lifted from the water and placed panting on Happy's chest, when she had met Toby's eyes. How as the first gurgled cry punctured the air, she heard Toby's soft gasp, struck silent his watery grin saying it all.
They had decided on a delayed clamping if it was possible, and it was. It was still and quiet for the first time in what felt like an age. 20 minutes he didn't say a thing, not till he had cut the cord and their child was lifted away to be examined, her eyes had followed the midwife across the room, the strongest desire to go with them, to not be so far from a part of herself that she had cared for and loved from the moment the 8th stick flashed the words of conformation, of their baby's existence. Something that this time, she already knew for certain to be real. She had still waited for the blood test and then another week to tell Toby, just to give herself a little time to get her own head around it this time, securely knowing it was unmistakably was pregnant.
They were having a baby.
It clawed at her to have the missing 6.4 lbs part of her in her sight but not in her safe holding. The warm touch of lips across her cool shoulders calmed the flutterings of distress collecting in her stomach. "sweetheart you were amazing, I love you. I love you both of you so much." he guides her face round with a finger to meet his, instant recognition of her feelings as her eyes instantly dart to the side where her baby's pitiful cries call to her, beg her to action a rescue. "Hey, hey it's ok, breathe, relax. Everything is ok. It's just confusion. Bright lights, new smells, unfamiliar temperature, you get to mama bear all you like once we get baby back ok? I promise they do give the babies back to us "
He was trying to lighten the mood and comfort her, she knew that but it didn't change the feeling of her heart. He saw this and with a kiss to the forehead he stood, walking over to where baby was, quietly talking to the nurses. Happy's gaze didn't waver even as she was guided in the process of delivering the after birth then wrapped up, sat in a wheelchair and taken from the room. Something twinged as she tried to turn to look back, tears prickling her eyes till she watched Toby round the doorway, white wrapped bundle tucked safely in his arms as he followed behind.
A private room, she hadn't known she was being put into a private room. It either had something to do with Walter, Cabe or Toby, either way she was immensely grateful. She wanted the even short 13 hours she would be there to be a time of peace with her new love. Their new love.
How small, fragile and precious this new love was. How adored it was already.
The process of massaging the uterus however was anything but peaceful, as if she hadn't gone through enough pain and discomfort for the following 5 hours the nurse would come in like clockwork just as Happy was beginning to doze and start poking at her. How lucky they were she was so far gone past exhaustion she just laid back and let them do what they came to do.
The sixth hour however, just as day was beginning to break yet another face came in and after quick examination declared she could have a shower if she wanted. A short shower. Happy would have leapt from the bed at the news had she not felt like she had been hit by a freight train.
The shower was indeed short, but Happy entered back into her bed feeling, none the less sore, but cleaner. more comfortable, more like herself and ready to feed again.
The first feed had been incredible, both she and Toby held their breath as she had gently encouraged baby to latch, just as she was instructed by the professional that had come to check and support the initial process, but it was unnecessary, it took only a minute and a few deep breaths, but the smiles of relief were unanimous as baby sussed out just what needed to be done. There was a feeling of connection and contentment that settled over mother and child each time they fed, a comfort, a strengthening of bond, the comfort that maybe mothering was going to come naturally and instinctively to a woman who herself had only ever imagined and had very little concept of just what a mother was or even looked like.
But now she did, she could look in the mirror and see the reflection of a mother staring back, she confident in knowing just what kind of mother she would be, a good one, as much as she would try to be. She was going to be figuring it out one day at a time with no instruction manual or set plan to follow, but that would be ok. She and Toby would figure it out together, with a dash of direction most likely thrown in by Cabe and Paige at points. But they were going to do this, and going to do it the same way any and all good parents do, with love and good intention in giving this child all that they had been denied, but each child deserves. Love.
her eyes prickle again behind closed lids as she listens.
It's how quiet his voice is, how it cracks in emotion and tenderness. Her eyes don't need to be open to see what she knows is happening by her bedside. She knows he is in the chair, practically melted to it having been up with her from the moment the contractions became too painful to sleep through, she had practically begged him to sleep once they had gotten into the hospital, the vulnerability of her situation had her defences telling her to push him away and make him go, to put some distance between them. It had become too real, too raw for him to be allowed to see. But he had understood and stepped back, sitting in the corner, quiet but protectively keeping watch, letting her work through the pain herself till she had worked herself back around to needing and asking for his support and comfort once more. This hurt, this was scary, and she couldn't be seen this way, not by anyone. She had regressed to the mentality she had so many years before, but he had faith she would open herself up to him once more, and when she needed him he would be there, always.
She knew he was in the chair, their baby on his chest securely wrapped up in a blanket, she was so tuned in, so aware of her child she knew the small grunts and snuffles that meant her baby was quiet but woken, listening to the sound of Toby's voice now in the outside world.
"I love you, you know that. You're gonna know that, you're always gonna know that. We will be telling you that morning, noon, and night, and even as you grow and don't want to hear it so often, we will whisper it quietly as you sleep, when you run across the park and each time you step out the door or from our guarding gaze. Because you are loved. You were loved long before you were even a twinkle in my eye you know that. You were a thought, an idea, a hope, you were loved before the cells even divided, bringing you to existence. We loved you before we met you, before we even knew you were there."
She hears a faint sniffle from Toby and she is glad the room is shaded or else Toby might have caught the tear that slid from the corner of her eye.
"You know, you are more than I ever thought I would have. Though I could have. There were times that I doubted I could even ever have your mommy, that I should deserve to have such beauty in my life and call it mine. But I do have her, and she has me and we have you, and you little one, will always have us. I promise. But i'll only ask one thing of you okay? just don't go following in our footsteps hmm? We don't really have anyone to give heart palpitations with the things we do other than one another, but it's different for you, because one day your gonna have the stabilisers taken off your bike and I'm already living in fear of it already. Heck, I think i'll have to prescribe your mommy something the day you start to crawl, do you know how protective she is? I'll be having to be talking her out of placing a tracking becon "
She heard the small coo and couldn't help her lips lifting at the corners. Despite the little time they had known one another the recognition was abundantly clear in the baby's small responses.
"This is all very new to us you know, I think we might just have to wrap you in bubble wrap. It seems the most logical solution hmm? Will you be our bubble wrap baby? Yeah? Cotton wool maybe on alternate days, just for a change? Yeah? yes you will, and did you hear your Mommy when that cranky nurse came in and picked you up too quick? did you? she wen't straight for the jugular, that's my girl, yeah! That was your Mommy, are you gonna be like your Mommy? with a real big growl? Hmm? I think so, I do! you are going to be one tough cookie, yeah!"
she wants to let out the sob of laughter sitting in her chest but she holds it down. He isn't funny, except he is, he is kind and caring and gentle and loving and silly and weird but he is hers, and she wouldn't have him any other way. He is also clearly besotted, head entirely over heels in adoration of their small bundle, she had a feeling the Moses basket they had set up in the garage was going to be very rarely used.
She had been the one who had wanted it, Toby had gone on and on for so long about the physiological and emotional benefits of kangaroo care, but she had been apprehensive, 6 months in she was beginning to feel it, the issue of never being alone. She loved this kid...but it was kind of claustrophobic at times having and feeling the constant presence of another life form in her very intimate and personal vicinity. She was sure she would be desperate for some respite and have a need to spend some time alone and in peace, regaining a sense of her own identity again at any sleeping opportunity given, and with the changes in her physical appearance and heightened emotional state- it was like someone had dropped a suitcase of EQ on her. her emotions were everywhere. She was unsettled by the feeling she no longer had full control of herself and that this baby was growing and changing too, that soon this baby would be making an exit and she might not live through it, and if she did...was she ready, did she really have what it would take to play Mommy? The bucket load of EQ would surely dissipate, and then what? How could she tend to the emotional needs of a small, needy person. She wasn't cuddly,she wasn't patient,she wasn't soft or tender or intuitive like Paige. Surely the kid would see right though her.
But she had been wrong, she didn't need to find herself because she had never been lost, she had just expanded, grown, become more now than what she was. She could be a fighter and a friend, a lover and a wife, a mother and a government contracted mechanical engineering genius. These things were never mutually exclusive, She was now all these things at once.
She was going to be fine, they were going to be fine. She had already googled those funny sling things, one of which Toby had already purchased in his determination to be an active carrier of their 'outfant'. "9 months is a long time babe, the least I can do is carry him or her around to give you a break."
She had looked at it briefly and even to her it had looked rather complex, but maybe that had been baby brain- It was in fact a very real thing. She was sure now that with a few hours sleep she would be able to figure it out without so much as a glance at the instructions, and it was always easier to try these things on yourself first before she even tried assembling it to Toby's lanky form. Heavens knows what would happen if he was left to it himself. No, She would give it a few weeks maybe and then look it out, for now two warm hands were enough to be holding their tiny infant.
Their tiny infant, she couldn't convince herself it was true, through she bore the discomfort and physical proof it was real.
They were parents. Everything had fallen into place, their whole world had been spun on it axis and all that mattered now, all that was ever going to matter from this point on was the health and happiness of that little life. She saw it reflected back at her in that very first shared look between her and Toby at their baby's cry, where everything that had plagued their hearts and minds for so long, the priorities they once had, Changed. In an instant. The moment they saw their future in the shape of their child.
She was happy. She was so very, very happy.
When Happy woke she was met by warm hazel eyes, "Hey Sweetheart, how ya doing?"
A little disorientated she had immediately tried sitting up, regretting it at the sharp reminding twinge that she had in fact just had a baby. At her grimace and hiss of pain Toby was instantly concerned. "You're in pain still? Happy maybe we should wait, maybe you should stay another few days just to be sure everything is ok."
She gave a small chuckle rubbing the sleep from her eyes, "Toby i'm fine, it's just discomfort. I'm good, I promise."
the worried look didn't leave his eyes and he clung a little tighter to the small bundle in his arms. She took a moment to study his body language. She had been steadily getting better at reading him and what he was not saying. She sat up a little slower and placed a hand on his arm. "Toby, are you worried about going home?"
Toby shuffled and sputtered at the idea like she knew he would before his shoulders eventually sagged as he looked down into the face of their child, quietly uttering his troubles. "what if I'm not good at it, Hap. What if I don't know what to do to help. Geez Happy this is all so real now and I've been preparing and psyching myself into this for months, but I still feel like I've been thrown in the deep end! what if I make a mess of this parenting thing... I don't want to let you down." It had become so soft and quiet that Happy no longer knew just to which of them he was addressing.
"Toby. We will be fine. You have been saying it for months. We are going to make mistakes but we are going to be ok. We have more family around us now than we could have imagined having this at point in life. You know fine well that if I thought I was gong to have a kid it would be on my own and it would have been by accident. This is no accident Toby, it wasn't exactly planned but it wasn't a slip up either. I never thought that this be an option for me, but here I am, with you and with a whole host of people waiting for the phone call that says they can come bare witness to this madness. Us. Parents. Handling a newborn and doing just fine. Tobes, we don't have the finest backstory or experiences, but we are going to do our best. That's all a kid needs right? For someone to always be doing their best by them? You are a good dad doc, you love Ralph, i've seen you with Ralph, you have all that it takes and you have for a while. I love you and you love me and in turn we love this baby and this baby, this baby loves us, not even knowing what love is but trusts that with a cry we will be there. That we are dependable. And i'm gonna depend on you, I will need your help and I will ask for it. I know i'm still not the most open person, but I won't ask for you to be trying to read my mind, I will tell you what I need and you'll come through, you always do."
He moves to the side of the bed, half sitting on the edge leaning down to gently touch his lips to hers softly."I love you"
She could feel the crinkling at the corner of her eyes as she smiles at him,"I know"
He raises his free hand to run his hand along the side of her face, his thumb tracing her lips."I love you"
There was a small grizzle from the bundle in his arms, she moves the cloth to look into the face of her child before lifting her gaze back to her husband, kissing him once more "I know"
His eyes sparkle as he glances down as the baby starts to fuss and then back to her, "your baby is looking for you. already has quite the appetite"
She takes the baby carefully from him, a teasing smirk thrown his way "hhm, takes after daddy then"
He takes her jest with good nature, a mock pout gracing his lips "tis not a bad thing"
she looks up locking her eyes on his with a smile, "no, not a bad thing at all"
"so, how you feeling mom?"
She smiles rocking the baby in her arms instinctively at the fist sign of a grizzle "good, tired obviously, but good. I mean knew it would feel something like this..but the intensity, the flood of... I don't know, it's just..."
The other mother smiles at her warmly, "I get it...but it suits you Happy, it really does"
The complement would have unsteadied her before, but it felt nice to be reasured that she maybe wasn't perfect, but someone saw the potential in her, "Thanks Dineen."
She recognised the longing in Paige's expression as she looked upon the baby, and with only a moments hesitation she held the baby out to her friend who took the warm body on instinct. She started swaying the baby, gently a mothers first reaction to settle a baby.
"I won't be the first to say it Happy, but you two made one really gorgeous baby."
Happy shakes her head and crosses her arms, "nu uh, I want all the credit, nine months of effort that kid took to I'm taking the credit for this one"
Paige snorts "you didn't mind a bit"
They have been home a day and she is tired still, but it is nice to see everyone and seeing Paige again is like meeting her for the first time, only this time share something only they understand. The becoming of a mother, Happy scoffs, "sure I did, I don't now. but I'm very glad to know I will soon be able to see my feet once more"
the bell like laugh from Paige feels good, she never really knew how to be with Paige, they were so different but it was nice having someone to share the baby thing with. To have something in common between the two women of the team now
"I know what you mean, just wait till you can touch them again, you don't realise what a privilege it is to be able to put on a pair of shoes without a solid plan of execution mapped out" Happy nods enthusiastically in agreement "Toby would stick them on as if he were placing on a glass slipper, bended knee and all. "
Paige gives her a small poke, "Hey you're lucky! Drew was never that thoughtful or romantic, didn't know what to do, so did nothing at all. And you know Toby would have so much more if you had just allowed him to...speaking of the devil, how is he doing?"
"Something was uncertain of talking openly about how Toby was handling it, but there was also something appealing in confiding in someone, she took a quick glance across the room before answering. "Great, I mean he is a little flighty at times. He plays a good game of confidence but he is scared, but that is normal right? I mean thought it would be me having the moments of fear, the insecurity, having to be peeled off the ceiling.. It's just, he hates letting go, he doesn't want to put the kid down...and that's ok, it's kind of good I think, maybe? I mean, he is so busy holding the kid it stops him from doing or worrying about anything else right?." she gives a small tight laugh.
If Paige noticed she didn't comment and went with it giving her a knowing smirk,"are you referring to trying to mend the hole"
"you heard about that?"
"2 weeks from your due date and he put a hole in the wall of the baby's room. He was a mess of guilt, 'causing you stress', 'terrible husband'. I got the whole thing" Paige bobbed the baby in her arms and laughed softly at the memory.
Happy rolled her eyes only imagining, "I wasn't stressed, I wasn't pleased but I'll have it fixed soon enough. I had a real lapse in judgement trusting the man with a hammer. It's like giving a cow a gun, dangerous if they figure out how to use it."
Paige pressed her lips together, understanding completely where Happy was coming from. Toby really was a law unto himself sometimes.
There is laughter in Paige's eyes,"aw, but he tries"
Happy focuses in on the form of her husband from across Paige's shoulder, beaming as he talks to Cabe animatedly, a small smile lifts a corner of her mouth as she gazes on, "hmm, very trying indeed"