A/N: AU 6x19 and AU S3 of Private Practice. It should all be pretty self-explanatory! Reviews will make me really happy :)
the world as i see it
[1/3]
~x~
"Where's Aaron?" Meredith asked as she walked into the house and sat on the couch next to Alex.
"He went back to Iowa"
"You let him drive after surgery?"
"I'm not his Dad, he's got my number"
"You know you're nothing like you're father right?" Meredith said with a small smile.
Alex let out a slight laugh "You're nothing like your mother" Meredith smiled at him and took the box of cereal out of his hand as she sat back on the sofa.
"You're good" he smiled "You'd be good, you'd be a good Mom" Meredith smiled back at him and took a bite of the cereal.
"I could've been a Dad" he said quietly after a few minutes.
"What?" Meredith frowned, turning to look at him.
"You remember me telling you about me and Addison right?" he asked.
"Sure" Meredith nodded "You really liked her, you slept together, you screwed it up, she went to LA and you never really spoke to her again"
"Right" he sighed "Well what I didn't tell you was, about 6 weeks after me and her slept together, she came to me and, and told me she was pregnant, and that she was keeping it, and I, I was happy" he whispered "I was happy about it even though I was scared and, and I still couldn't tell her how I felt about her, I was happy about the baby, we kept it quiet because, we didn't know how it was all going to work, we had a scan and heard a heartbeat and, and then when she was almost 3 months, she called me in the middle of the night and, I couldn't really understand her, she was crying and, it was more than crying, it was, heartbreaking, and when I got to the hotel, she was lying on the bathroom floor, in blood stained pyjamas, just curled up there in a ball, it took me an hour to get her to go to a hospital, 3 weeks later she was living in LA and, she's never let me speak to her again, even when she was here, both times, it was just, awkward and, sure she worked with me but, outside of that, she couldn't speak to me, and I don't really blame her"
"Alex I'm, I'm so sorry" Meredith said wiping a tear from his cheek "You should've told me"
"I couldn't, I couldn't say it" Alex said quietly "I couldn't think about it, it still kills me Meredith, I'd have a child right now, they'd, they'd be almost 3"
"You loved her, didn't you" Meredith said softly.
"So much" Alex breathed out "I know you all think that, that Izzie was to me what Derek is to you but, she's not, I did love her, I did but it wasn't, it wasn't the same kind of love, it wasn't the love you have with Derek but, Addison, she's that kind of love, to me she is, to me she's…"
"You're McDreamy" Meredith finished.
"Right" Alex laughed "She'd hate it if she ever heard me call her that, I hate it but, you're right"
"Well then fight for her" Meredith said nudging him "Go out there, and fight for her"
"Mer it's been over 3 years since she left" he sighed "She's probably moved on by now anyway"
"Well you're not gonna know until you try, I'll cover for you, go and pack a bag, and go after her"
"Don't…"
"I won't tell anyone" Meredith said squeezing his hand "But Alex, if something like that happens again, you can tell me ok?"
"I know" Alex said with a small smile "Thanks Mer"
"Go" she said nudging his arm "Go and pack, I'll check out some flights and get you to the airport"
Alex kissed her forehead softly and headed up to his room.
~x~
Alex stepped into the lobby of Oceanside Wellness and glanced around a little at the few people that were around him, he stopped when he heard a familiar laugh and turned to an open area where he saw Addison holding a baby who looked about 9 months old, tickling him and making him laugh as a man stood next to them and watched with a loving smile, he took in a sharp breath and was about to turn to leave when someone approached him.
"Can I help you?"
"Uh, um, no" he stuttered "No I, I was just leaving"
"Are you sure? You look a little pale"
"I just, I, I shouldn't have come here, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have…" he stuttered, he turned to leave and knocked over a plant, the pot making a noise as it hit the floor "I, I'm sorry" he stuttered again, he looked up a little and caught Addison's shocked eye "I'm sorry" he said looking at her, Addison put the boy in the mans arms and approached him carefully.
"What are you doing here Alex?" she asked quietly.
"I'm sorry, it was a mistake, I'm sorry" he whispered "I'll clean this up and then, then I'll go, ok? I'll go and you won't have to see me again, you can, you can be with your family" he said glancing slightly to the young boy.
"No Alex that's, he's not mine, he's practically my nephew just, just come with me, Dell can clean this up right?" she said glancing to Dell who had been the one to talk to Alex.
"Sure" Dell said curiously.
"Follow me" Addison said ushering Alex a little, she closed the door behind them as they stepped into the office "The guy, Pete, he's one of my closet friends, and Lucas is his son, I help him out a lot because his Mom was the one who…"
"Oh" Alex said quietly, knowing what she was talking about from the news reports "Right"
"So…" Addison started.
"I thought I knew what I wanted to say" Alex sighed "I sat on the plane and I, I thought about what I'd say when I got here and, I thought I knew but, now I'm here and, looking at you, none of it makes sense"
"Why did you come out here in the first place?" Addison asked.
"Because I can't go on like this anymore" Alex whispered.
"Like what?" Addison asked quietly, her voice shaking a little.
"Like I still have to forget how I feel about you, like I can't think about the fact that, next week, our baby would've been turning 3, that we, we could be happy right now if I didn't screw it up like I always do, I can't go on anymore without you, and I am so, so sorry for everything and I really hope, you can forgive me"
"I need you to turn around, walk out of this practice, go to the airport, and go back to Seattle" Addison said with a slight hitch to her voice "Because I really can't do this right now"
"Ok" Alex nodded with a whisper "I'll go but, I really hope one day you can, talk to me again, because I know we'll see each other again, and I don't want us not to be talking like all the other times, goodbye Addison"
"I do forgive you" she said before he could reach the door "I forgave you a long time ago, I just, I look at you and all I see is, is what we could have right now, and I can't, I can't think about that because every time I do, my heart breaks, my heart breaks over and over everytime I think about what we could have, and I can't go on like this anymore either"
Alex took her hand and pulled her close to his chest, she let out a sob and held him tightly.
"Sshh I know" he whispered against her hair "Sshh" he sat on the sofa and pulled her onto his lap, cradling her as she cried into the crook of his neck.
"I'm so sorry" she sobbed.
"Hey, you have nothing to be sorry for" he said quietly.
"I lost our baby, it's all my fault"
"Don't you even dare say that" he said stroking her cheek gently "It was not anyone's fault"
"I know it's been so long since it happened" she whispered "But, it still hurts"
"I know it does" Alex said softly "It still hurts me too"
"I'm sorry for pushing you away, after"
"It's ok, I understand" he said running his fingers through her hair "You hadn't really let me back in all that much anyway, you didn't trust me, which you had the right to do because, I was an ass to you, and I get it, so I understand why you pushed me away after, so just, don't apologize to me ok? You don't have anything to apologize for, I'm the one who needs to say sorry Addison"
"I was trying to let you in" she said quietly "For the baby, I was trying to let you in, and I would have, because, because I really, I loved you" she whispered "And even if I was never going to be with you, I had this, this link to you, that would always be there, and in that moment, it was enough, and then, then I lost that link and I just, I had to be the one to walk away"
"I'm so sorry you felt that way" Alex said kissing against her hair.
"I know" Addison sighed "I know you're sorry"
"I've never stopped loving you" he said as he looked into her eyes.
"You got married Alex" she whispered.
"Yeah" he nodded "And I did love Izzie, but that doesn't mean I ever stopped loving you, I will never stop loving you, Izzie wasn't my McDreamy Addison, because you are"
"Did, did you just call me McDreamy?" Addison laughed.
"Yeah, I kinda wanna take that back" Alex said with a slight laugh "I was trying to explain to Meredith how, how you are to me what Derek is to her and, I wanted to say what you are to me and she said, you're my McDreamy" he smirked "I told her you'd hate that"
"I don't hate it it's just, weird" she laughed "So, Meredith knows?"
"I told her about when we slept together, I was a little drunk and feeling sorry for myself so, I told her, but I didn't tell her about the miscarriage until last night, my brother showed up and it was, hard, everyone found out about my pathetic excuse of a childhood and, she was having issues with Shepherd and his wanting a baby thing, she thinks she's like her Mom, I told her she isn't, she told me I wasn't like my Dad, and then I told her that, I could've been a Dad"
"You still could be" Addison said brushing her fingers against his stubble.
"And who's gonna wanna have a kid with me?" Alex asked with a slight smirk.
"Me" Addison whispered "Because I've never stopped loving you either, and you, as corny and weird as it is, are my McDreamy"
"There's nothing McDreamy about me" Alex laughed.
"Ok, well you're my, Alex, you're my Alex" Addison said with a small smile.
"And you're my Addison" Alex said lightly kissing her.
"Are you still married?" Addison frowned.
"Sent the divorce papers off before I left the hospital"
"Welcome to the club" she smirked.
"I think I'm gonna like it here if all the chicks look like you" he grinned.
"Shut up" she said hitting him in the chest "And don't call me a chick"
"Sorry" he said with a slight laugh "So…what are you doing Addie?"
"I can't leave my life here" Addison said quietly "My family are here, and you have a life in Seattle"
"Not really, not anymore" he sighed "And my family is here too"
"Oh yeah? And who would that be?" Addison asked coyly.
"Well I'm looking right at her" Alex smiled.
"If, if you can keep your career intact and be here with me, then we can discuss you moving here, otherwise, we'll just do long distance"
"No" Alex said simply "I'm moving here, no matter what"
"Alex" Addison sighed.
"I will get a job, and I'll move here"
"My life is crazy y'know? I'm trying to run this place, stop my best friend from having a complete breakdown because her daughter is pregnant and married at 15, make sure Sam is ok with it all too, keep Charlotte and Cooper from constantly fighting about their break-up in front of patients, make sure Pete is ok with Lucas, try and get Violet to come back from Costa Rica or wherever she is now and get her help so she can be a Mom…."
"And maybe you should stop worrying about all of those people and take care of yourself" Alex said softly "I know they're your family, but you have to live your own life"
"I haven't really had much of a life to live" Addison shrugged.
"Well you do now" Alex smiled "You can still take care of them, but you need to have a life of your own too"
"I know" Addison smiled gently.
"I guess you should probably go and speak to some people out there, especially this Pete guy, he looked really worried"
"Ok" Addison sighed, she slipped off his lap and moved over to the desk, she scribbled down her address and passed it to him "Go to my place, there's a key under the mat, I have a patient in half an hour, it's only a check-up so I shouldn't be too long, eat my food, watch TV, explore, whatever"
"Ok" Alex smiled taking the keys "I love you Addison" he said softly.
"I love you too" Addison smiled, Alex leaned in and kissed her, the kiss instantly deepened taking their breath away.
"Mmm, I missed that" Alex mumbled against her lips.
"Me too" Addison said pecking him gently, she took his hand and shyly led him to the elevator "I'll see you soon then" she smiled.
"See you soon" Alex smiled, he kissed her again and stepped into the elevator, Addison stepped back a little and waved before the doors closed, she turned around and found Pete staring back at her with a slight smirk.
"It's a long story" she sighed "I've got half an hour to tell it so, follow me" she said ushering him to her office.
~x~
"Alex?" Addison called out as she let herself into her house, she frowned when she got no reply and walked further into the living room, she looked outside and spotted a hand hanging over the edge of one of the loungers, she dropped her bag onto the sofa and walked out onto the deck, she laughed softly when she heard a quiet snore, she perched on the edge of the lounger and brought Alex's hand up to her mouth and kissed it softly before stroking his cheek, Alex jumped a little and groaned before opening his eyes.
"Hi" Addison laughed.
"Oh, hi" Alex yawned "Sorry I, I didn't mean to fall asleep"
"Don't worry about it" Addison smirked "It's pretty great out here huh?"
"Yeah" Alex said with a small smile "I can see why you wouldn't want to leave"
"I don't really come out here as much as I used to" Addison said moving to lie in between his legs, her body turned slightly into his chest as his hand came up to run his fingers through her hair.
"Why not?" he asked.
"I still have coffee out here in the morning if I have time, and dinner sometimes, but when I first moved here everyone would come over for a bonfire and drinks and we'd talk and laugh and, everything was great, but then our lives got crazy, well, crazier"
"I'm sure things will settle down soon" Alex said kissing her forehead "And then maybe one day, we can have everyone over, and we can watch our kids run around on the beach"
"I'd love that" Addison whispered.
"It's going to happen Addison, all we need to do is start trying, when you're ready"
"I want to wait, until you're really settled, ok?"
"Ok" Alex smiled "We'll wait then"
"And we probably won't conceive after one time like before, it could take months, it might not even happen, I'm old"
"You're not old" Alex laughed "I don't care how long it's going to take, and if it doesn't happen, then we just look at other options"
"Everyone's going to think we're crazy, that we're rushing into it"
"Well they don't know how we feel" Alex said softly "But I'm sure as long as we're happy, our friends will be happy for us too"
"Me too, I hope" Addison said with a small smile.
"You want some food?"
"Yeah" Addison breathed out "I'm starving"
"You stay here, I'll go and cook something up" he said sitting up a little.
"You can cook?" Addison smirked.
"I'm not the best but yeah, I can cook" Alex smirked back.
"You are full of surprises Alex Karev"
"You ain't seen nothing yet babe" Alex grinned, he pecked her lips before standing and moving into the house, Addison sighed happily and lay back on the lounger.
Part 2 to follow….
A/N: Next part up in a week!