Do you know what's neat? There's 12 days of Christmas and 12 characters in Avengers. Coincidence? You do the math.

I know I should be working on House Arrest... but University is a big dirty mindfuck so be glad I'm doing something festive at all. I wrote over half of this on my phone throughout the weekend; I went home and forgot my laptop. I'm pretty sure I ended up writing more than I would have if I'd actually had a proper keyboard.

I've never written Selvig before in my life so go easy on me. I got his chapter out of the way first because I have literally no idea how to properly characterize him. He's Loki'd for most of the movie anyway, and in Thor he's basically babysitting. That said, I do like him quite a bit.

Warnings: language. that's it. (come on guys, it's me.)

Anyway, enjoy ;)

If We Can't Celebrate Christmas, You Can Be Damn Sure We'll Avenge It.

Day 1: character: Eric Selvig theme: Santa Claus

"Stark, this is a stupid idea."

"Is not!"

"Is to!"

"Is not."

"IS TO!"

"Is not not not. Period. I win."

It was a crisp December afternoon in New York City. A mild argument had broken out in the upper level of Stark Tower, where several figures were lounging casually about, sipping on steaming mugs of hot chocolate, courtesy of Jarvis. The subject of debate was the latest idea of a certain genius-billionaire-playboy-philanthropist.

"There's no way you thought this through. Christmas cards for everyone in the entire city? Really?" Clint Barton looked reproachfully up at Tony Stark who was staring back with equal skepticism.

"Not every person, every home. It's Christmas, Barton. People need to know the Avengers are here and we care."

"You're only arranging this 'cause all the cards are gonna say Sponsored by Stark Industries!"

"I call that a silver lining." Tony shrugged.

"I remember when my family used to send out homemade Christmas cards… we all wore hideous sweaters and reindeer antlers and it was traumatic and humiliating. We were the laughingstock of our family." Phil Coulson quirked an eyebrow and took another drink of cocoa.

"Yeah well, we'll be in full combat gear, like we were last time the public saw us in action." Tony insisted.

"Am I in on this?" Loki asked casually.

"Better sit this one out, Rudolph. We know you're not plotting global destruction these days, but the general public doesn't. You can stick around here and hold down the fort."

Loki nodded in approval and went back to browsing the Sears Wishbook.

"I think it is a marvellous idea!" Thor boomed.

"Of course you do." Clint sighed, rubbing his eardrum.

"So, where are we doing this? Can we just snap it in front of the fireplace and call it a day?" Natasha inquired without enthusiasm.

"Please. I rented out Central Park for the afternoon. We're doing this right." Tony smirked.

"I could've photoshopped us onto a snowy background. It's cold out there." Bruce groaned.

"Hulk won't care."

"I- what?! I have to Hulk for this?!"

"It'll be fine, come on. I got you a Hulk-sized Christmas sweater. I bought it from a circus… they used it on an elephant. It's down in the truck. It'll be great." Tony enthused. Bruce rolled his eyes.

"If I break Harlem again, the bill's going to Stark Industries. Just a fair warning."

"Hulk will love Christmas. I've got a feeling."

"Do you now, Stark? Because I-"

"So, when are we doing this?" came an sudden and excited yell. The assembled Avengers turned in their seats to see Steve Rogers come bounding into the room, fully decked out in Captain America garb. He'd made a couple modifications, though. He'd layered his shield with glittering tinsel in patriotic colours, and filled his utility belt with candy canes.

"Now that's what I'm talking about!" Tony exclaimed. "Suit up, everyone. Meet back here in 10. Once our honorary Avenger gets here, it's go time."

"I'm already here." Coulson chipped in.

"Sorry, the other honorary Avenger."

"Wait, we have another honorary Avenger?" Clint inquired. "Who-"

"STARK?!" Came a loud and sudden voice from the stairwell. "Care to tell me what's so urgent you had to drag me away from a meeting with the board of directors from the university?"

"And there he is." Tony beamed. "Welcome, Eric."

A very confused, disoriented, and angry-looking Eric Selvig came striding into the room, followed by an utterly composed-looking Pepper Potts.

"What the hell is this? I was in the middle of once-in-a-lifetime research and your assistant shows up and hauls me onto a plane and all the way to New York City and won't tell me why?"

"Oh please. There was no dragging involved. You walked onto the plane under your own power." Pepper corrected with a long-suffering sigh.

"Because you asked politely and I like you better than Stark." Selvig grumbled.

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that… Thanks for doing this, Peps." said Tony appreciatively, planting a soft kiss on her cheek.

"FRIEND SELVIG!" Thor roared in absolute ecstasy, literally leaping over the couch to fling himself into Eric's arms, naturally resulting in both of them collapsing on the marble floor. Thor was not deterred. "THE HAPPIEST OF HOLIDAY TIDINGS TO YOU, MY BROTHER! MAY YOUR DAYS BE MERRY AND BRIGHT AND MAY ALL YOUR CHRISTMASES BE WHITE!"

"Good to see you too, son. You've been briefed on Christmas, I see?" Selvig growled, shaking Thor's hand and climbing to his feet.

"Indeed I have! What brings you to the York of New?"

"I haven't the foggiest. Stark, enlighten me. What exactly brings me to the York of New?" the professor inquired skeptically.

"You're gonna be in the annual Avengers Christmas photo with us, that's what."

Selvig blinked. And blinked again.

"I have to be in your wacked-out superfamily Christmas picture?"

"You get to be in our wacked-out superfamily Christmas picture." Tony corrected with an evil smile.

"…STAAAAAAAAAAARK!"

"Don't take your boots off, we're going to the park!"

*-HOHOHO-*

"Do you have any idea what would happen to my career if I showed up in a picture with the Avengers? I'm too busy to have fangirls." Selvig rambled irritably as the gang, fully suited and ready for action, wandered through Central Park, scoping out the perfect location for the photo. "Why one earth didn't you call me before dragging me up here?"

"Because you would have hung up on me as soon I said the word 'Christmas'." Tony clarified.

"Of course I would have! I don't have time to fly all over the country to pose for pictures! I was on the verge of a breakthrough!" the scientist replied edgily, stepping down into the crispy snow rather harder than necessary.

"A breakthrough to what?" Clint inquired shrewdly.

"I've been going over and over the the information we had on the Tesseract and combining it with what I learned when Loki turned me; trying to make sense of it so that happens again!"

And everybody knew what that was.

"That's not going to happen again." Steve spoke up.

"Yeah, trust me. These days Loki is way less interested in world domination and way more into the Discovery channel." Tony chuckled. "Besides… I thought you'd want to be part of the group…" he added with a calculatedly put-out look at Eric.

"Really? You're guilting the man into posing for a stupid picture?" Clint hissed sideways at Tony, who shrugged in response.

"You did as much to save the world as we did, Professor. You're the one who built the safety into that thing so we could shut it down. You deserve all the credit we do, and probably more beside." Steve added.

"With all due respect, Captain, I'm perfectly happy without my name going up in lights. I'm a simple man; knowing I made a difference is enough for me. We can't all be like Tony Stark."

"Yeah yeah, that's all very noble of you but I seriously didn't fly you out here for nothing." Tony grouched. "You're in the wacked-out superfamily photo, like it or not."

"Tony, it's great that you're being all-inclusive, but you don't have to be so aggressive about it." Pepper chided him as she experimented with settings on her camera.

"I'm not being aggressive, I'm being nice. And right. Nobody's getting it. Professor Science over here doesn't know what he wants."

Selvig glared and whipped a snowball at Tony's head. Tony hastened to retaliate, but he was intercepted by Steve who neatly pinned both his arms behind his back.

"Hold up!" Pepper called out suddenly from the front of the small line. "This is the spot for the picture. It's perfect."

They'd stumbled across Central Park's resident "North Pole", a cute child-friendly setup where people could come hang out with "Santa" and his "elves". There was a little igloo, a deserted throne where the Santa sat, and a huge red sleigh hitched to 8 reindeer statues. It was a pretty convenient setup, even Clint couldn't deny it. Of course it was devoid of life right now, the only thing around was a rather unnerving mannequin sitting in the sleigh, wearing a Santa suit.

"Avengers, assemble. And be fast about it. Fury'll skin me if any of you die of frostbite on my watch." Coulson ordered.

"Are you sure about this, buddy?" Tony questioned Erik as the group assembled in Santa's village. "It's not too late to get in on the glory."

"Trust me, Stark. Glory isn't really my thing." Erik promised.

"Okay then. Suit yourself." Tony shrugged, taking a seat on creepy fake Santa's lap. "Places, everyone!"

Pepper readied the camera. (Tony had made it himself, it was a digital Polaroid.) And suddenly a great cry went out.

"I PRAY THEE, WAIT!" Thor boomed.

"Dear God, what is it?" Clint grumbled after jumping in shock.

"I have been blessed with a glorious idea in which we can all achieve the outcome we desire! Friend Selvig can wear this crimson fur garment and the strange false facial hair! He can pose as your Midgardian 'Santa Claus' for the photograph and his identity will remain a unknown to the public, as he wishes!" Thor looked in danger of bursting with excitement at his plan.

Tony's eyes went from the fake Santa, to Selvig, and back to the fake Santa.

"No!" The scientist replied adamantly, crossing his arms. "I've never had to resort to being a mall Santa and I don't plan on starting now."

"But you wouldn't be a mall Santa, you'd be an Avengers Santa." Tony wheedled. "That's the coolest job in the world and you know it. It's even cooler than being Captain America. Not as cool as being Tony Stark, buuuut you can't have it all, right?"

"No. I'm leaving."

"Quick, Thor! Do the eyes!"

Thor obliged. This was his specialty; usually reserved for when Pepper was reluctant to let him use her expensive conditioner.

"F-friend Selvig?"

"WHAT?"

"Please?"

Erik Selvig turned around to see a certain blond immortal giving him the world's most heartbreaking stare out of his crystalline blue eyes, so enough to melt rock.

"Please?" Thor repeated, this time tilting his head to the side.

"Goddammit... FINE. Fine. Give me the suit."

Tony's face lit up and he pulled the dummy out of the sleigh and stripped it down in about four seconds.

"You're unnervingly good at that." Clint muttered.

"Years of practice. Here ya go, chief. Never thought I'd see you suiting up with us." said Tony, tossing the red and white pile at Erik, who donned it begrudgingly.

"It's..."

"GLORIOUS!" Thor bellowed. "You are identical to Sir Claus of the Northern Pole."

"Man, if this scientist thing goes under, I think we've found your calling." Tony grinned.

"Hulk like Santa!" The green monster contributed, banging his fists into the snow eagerly.

"Santa like Hulk too." Selvig replied cautiously. "Now are we doing this or what?"

"Smile, everyone!" Pepper called.

Click.

Pepper looked down into the digital screen to see her good work; this was one for the books. The Black Widow was sitting on the lead reindeer, holding a pistol and pointing it into the air. Hawkeye was kneeling among the elves and wearing an elf hat himself; holding his armed bow an pointing an arrow directly at the camera. Captain America was standing beside him, tinsel shield held aloft and ready for action. Thor hung off the back of the sleigh, holding Mjolnir and looking like he was having the time of his life. Hulk stood in the background in his gloriously ugly giant Christmas sweater, giving a double thumbs-up and a rare and startlingly white Hulk-smile. Agent Coulson stood next to the igloo, earmuffs and sunglasses on. Iron Man sat in the sleigh like the big deal he was, leaned back, helmet off and arm around "Santa Claus" who had an extremely bemused but nonetheless delighted expression in his eyes. The rest of his face was somewhat obscured by beard, but there was evidence of a smile happening somewhere under there.

She clicked "print".

"Is it good, Peps?" Tony asked.

"It's a keeper." She grinned. Hulk roared happily and the others applauded with cold hands.

"Perfect. I'll send it to the printers first thing tomorrow." He replied, climbing out of the sleigh. "Good work, Team. You've earned your Shawarma."

There was a split second of silence, and before the team could utter their approval of the newly appointed Shawarma date...

"MOMMY IT'S SANTA CLAUS! AND THE ABENGERS!"

Tony froze.

"Who said that?"

"HEY! HEY SANTA! HEY ABENGERS!"

"Security breach!" Clint yelled as a small girl of about six came careening towards them and propelled himself into the sleigh and onto Selvig's red velvet-coveted lap before anyone else could react.

"Santa! I didn't know you knew the Abengers! Oh wow this is so cool. Are you an Abenger too? Is your superpower making toys? Or flying? Or super speed? Or all of it? Oh my gosh, Captain America! You're the bravest Abenger ever, right? Wow! Can I hold your shield? And Thor! Is it true you're from another planet? Can I hold your hammer? And Iron Man! My mom says you're a hot piece of ass, whatever that means. Can I fly your suit?"

The "Abengers" stare dumbfounded at the chatty newcomer.

"Well. I told security to keep the park on lockdown till 4:30. I guess it's 4:30." Tony shrugged.

"Here ya go, ma'am. Be careful with it, we've been together for quite a few years." said Steve, gently passing his shield to the girl who looked like her eyes might pop out of his head.

"What is your name, my mighty young friend?"

"MEREDITH!" Came a shrill scream from several yards away. "OH MY GOD THERE YOU ARE. WHAT HAVE I SAID ABOUT RUNNING AWAY?!"

An extremely frazzled looking woman came sprinting over to the group, and promptly almost passed out when she saw the motley crew o superheroes.

"Mommy! Look! I found the Abengers!" The little girl shrieked ecstatically. "Look! I'm holding Cap's shield!"

"...You sure are!" Her mother replied, jaw on the floor.

"Lovely to meet you, madam. Quite a great girl you've got here." Tony greeted her with a casual smile, causing her to almost swoon.

"She certainly looks up to you guys, that's for sure. And this is such a great idea! Doing a meet-and-greet with the kids in the park... And the Santa is a really thoughtful touch!" She complimented once she regained her composure. "Now, Meredith, tell Santa what you want for Christmas and let the other kids have a turn, shall we?"

"Other kids?" Tony flinched. "Oh God..."

Sure enough, there was a line of enthusiastic children and amazed parents forming beside the elves workshop.

"Oh my God it's worse than Budapest." Clint breathed, staring out at the rapidly forming line.

"What's the matter, Barton? Scared of a little small talk with tiny humans?"

"Nobody's touching my bow today. Nobody."

"So what would you like for Christmas, dear?" 'Santa' asked his newest young friend.

"Are you kidding?! I'm hangin' out with the Abengers! I don't care if I don't get another present for the rest of my life!"

"Not just anyone gets to meet the noble Avengers. But I know you've been a very good girl this year. You've earned it. Merry Christmas, Meredith. Ho ho ho!"

"This was the best Christmas ever. Thanks, Abengers." Meredith sighed blissfully, sliding off Selvig's lap and hugging each of the Avengers, even Hulk (she wrapped both arms around the only part of him she could reach; his ankle), and high-fiving Coulson, before taking her mom's hand and trotting off into the sunset.

"Fare thee well, young maiden!" Thor yelled affectionately after her.

"Bye Mr. Thor! I hope your little brother works things out!" The small girl called over her shoulder with a merry wave. Thor beamed.

"Stark, is that a tear in your eye?"

"Fuck off, Rogers. I'm allergic to...um...snow."

"Okay." Steve accepted that with a smirk. " Now who's next?" he raised his voice and directed it to the crowd of children.

"Me me me me!"

"I'm next!"

"Holy crap, check out Hulk's feet! They're humongous!"

"I wanna meet Iron Man!"

"I wanna meet Widow!"

"I wanna hold Thor's hammer!"

"Me before you, me first!"

"Awwwww... They didn't bring Loki."

"Wait, Santa's an Avenger?!"

"Do you think Hawkeye will let me shoot his bow?"

"This is so cool oh my god I can't breathe."

"This was not the plan." Clint muttered through gritted teeth as the crowd advanced.

"Act natural, Barton."

"Natasha, this is nothing we were ever trained for."

"Just go with it. What's the worst that could happen?"

Not my favourite thing I've ever written but I don't have all the time in the world so I'm posting it and praying like hell this story doesn't become a mess of agony and stress that I finish writing during the wee hours of Christmas morning like what became of every christmas fic I've ever ever ever written... ever.

This will be a series of oneshots, maybe connected, maybe not. Tis not the season of scheduling shit.

And I know they were in Malibu in House Arrest. But winter in Malibu isn't very wintery now, is it? Naturally they're spending their holidays in NYC. If it's good enough for Buddy the Elf, it's good enough for the Avengers.

Chapter 2 has been started and I think chapter 3 has too, somehow inadvertently. Shit got weird when I first started writing this. Anyway I'm going to bed to see if I can actually get up and go to my 10am class for once.

As you can see, lovely ffnet has gone and added this HANDY FUCKING LITTLE REVIEW BOX SO YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO OPEN A NEW WINDOW. IF THAT'S NOT EASY I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS. You should know by now that I have very little respect for people who don't review. Filed under stress-inducing pet peeves.

okay sleep bye

RXP