The World's Stupidest Pokemon Trainers
Hello, I'm the narrator/author here to show you the world's STUPIDEST Pokemon trainers, despite a lack of visuals, save for text. What did you think this was a story about lollipop pies? If you did, then there's something mentally wrong with you. It'll help you get the jokes, & to picture the scenes & characters if you've played the games. Also, some Pokemon text will be translated, but some won't. Anyway…
Pewter City, in the gym…
"I KNOW, Onix! How do all these rookie trainers keep knowing to come here with Bulbasaur and Squirtle, and then use Bubble, Vine Whip or Water Gun?! Where do they get all those Bulbasaur & Squirtle anyway!?"
"On?" Onyx said with a questioning intonation, it's huge, rock body making Pewter Gym VERY cramped. "I know. I don't get it either, Onyx." Brock said, unknowingly speaking to an actual rock in the gym. "UNLESS…" Brock suddenly screamed, raising a finger. Onyx opened it's mouth in anticipation.
"They're all REALLY psychic Pokemon in disguise!!" Brock declared, then donning a proud-of-himself expression. Onyx just facefaulted, causing severe damage to the floor.
"Darn it. That's the third time today. Dude, I think something's wrong with Brock." One of the two gym trainers said to the other gym trainer.
"Hey? Hey? Want me to tell you about light years? Huh? HUH?? HUH??" Oddly enough every time he said "Huh" he appeared on another side of the other trainer.
"Oh, forget it." "Don't you DARE forget about light years!! Distance not time! Oh yeah, still got it!! Man, you're still LIGHT YEARS away from Brock!"
"Right. How many light years am I away from him now?" The first trainer called, standing right next to Brock.
"You're still LIGHT YEARS lightyears away from Brock!!" Trainer #1 slapped his forehead. "Why…do…I…bother!?" Trainer #1 said, slamming his head against the wall with each word. Then he stopped slamming his head. "Uh oh, head injury." And he fainted.
Trainer #2 paid this no mind. "Hey look, a trainer! And he's LIGHT YEARS away from Brock." "Uhhh…That's great. Could you call 9-1-1?" Trainer #1 asked, obviously in a lot of pain.
Meanwhile, the challenging trainer was skipping through the gym, with his eyes closed. Obviously not the smartest of ideas, since he tripped over a rock within 5 seconds.
"Aagh!! Damnit! Why didn't anyone tell me there was going to be rocks in here!!"
Trainer #2 then walked up to him. "You know, you're light years away from beating Brock." "No need to be mean about me tripping. My eyes were closed!! Besides, according to the Pokemon anime videos I watched, this gym is supposed to be empty, save for Brock."
"Light years!!" "Oh, never mind. You're just stupidly obsessed with lightyears. Still why is one of this gym's trainer knocked out? And why is Brock talking to a rock. Hu-HOLY CRAP, AN ONIX!!" The trainer screamed, finally taking notice of the enormous rock snake crowding up the gym.
"Hey Onix look, there's a trainer here to challenge us!" Brock noticed, still talking to the rock.
"Hey, Brock! It would help you see for LIGHT YEARS if you opened your eyes!"
"NEVER!!" "Oh yeah. Nothing was ever wrong with Brock, I just forgot that he never opens his eyes. NOW COULD SOMEONE PLEASE CALL 9-1-1!" Trainer #1 yelled in frustration in anger.
The challenger quickly took offense to this. "Yo, call 9/11? Why would I want to call dibs on that? That shit was HORRIBLE!!"
Trainer #2 also took offense to this, but for different reasons. "My girlfriend has a name, y' know! It's LIGHTYEARS!! And you're not getting a date with her Trainer #1!"
"I don't care about that! Just call the fucking hospital!!" "Dude, you don't care about 9/11? That's just sad. Sigh." "They have a hospital for sex problems know. Now you got me wondering about how many lightyears away it is."
"Ughhh." "Now, then, let me introduce myself, I am Brock, Gym Leader of the Pewter City Gym- "Yeah, yeah, shut up. I already heard your dumb speech on the Pokemon VHS I watched! Anyway, I'm Jake Ahs, the "e" is silent. Now let's hurry up and battle already." Trainer #1 giggled at this, despite immense pain.
Brock stood up and spoke. "Okay! And this is my trusty partner Onix!" Pointing his finger towards a rock. Once again, Onix face-faulted.
"That's a pretty crappy Onix you've got there, Brock." Jake said, pointing his finger at what he assumed to be a fainted Onix. "Are you ready!?" Onix got up, took a battle stance, and gave a battle-ready "Ixxx".
Jake then took notice of Onix getting up again. "Oh, never mind. Okay, let's start."
"Okay!! I'll act as ref! The battle will take place between Brock, and his opponent, Jake Ahs whom is some amount of lightyears away from Brock both in distance, AND from beating him!"
"Good, then let's do this, Onix! GOOOOOOO… Geodude!!" Yet again, Onix facefaulted, taking out a large portion of the actual rocks in the gym, while Brock threw the Pokeball containing Geodude, somehow, now completely oblivious to his other Pokemon on the battlefield.
"Fine then. A double battle, a change of plans, but I'll still beat you!! Go Wooper, and Caterpie!!"
"Onix! Use tackle!!" Brock said this pointing towards the corner leftwards of himself. "On?"(TL: "Wait, what?") The giant rock snake said with a shrug, then it slammed itself into the corner, causing Trainer #1 to scream for fear of getting hit, but despite how near he was, he didn't.
"Now, Geodude! Hang yourself from the ceiling and act as a disco ball to distract Jake!" "Geo." (TL: "Whatever, stupid.") Then Brock pulled several coloured spotlights to shine on Geodude and a stereo that played party music out of his pants. This garnered an odd, confused look from Jake, but nothing from anyone else since Trainer #1 had fallen into unconsciousness and Trainer #2 was busy thinking about lightyears.
"Uhh. Wooper…" Then Brock started break dancing. "Okaaaay. Anyway, remember the plan. Wooper use thunderbolt to blow up the sprinklers causing water to fall onto Onix and Geodude, thus defeating them!!" Wooper ignored this stupid command, and gave a "Per?"("What the hell is wrong with this kid?")
"Now, Caterpie, use String Shot to pull Onix down to the ground, now that it's weakened by the water!!" "PIE!!"("I CAN'T POSSIBLY DO THAT, YOU IDIOT!!")
"Wow. Had that worked, it would've caused water to fall on Onix and Geodude(And Caterpie, actually.) from an amount of lightyears above me." Trainer #2, thought to himself, not knowing that the distance between him and the gym's ceiling was much too small to be even ONE light year.
Meanwhile, Brock had been sitting silent, and finally spoke. "I lost. Onix, Geodude. Return." It took Brock several tries for each before he finally aimed their respective Pokeballs right. "I can't believe your plan to rain the sprinklers down on them actually worked." "But it didn't." Jake said quietly to himself, mystified by Brock's stupidity.
"You've earned The Boulder Badge. Here take it." Brock took the Boulder Badge out of his pocket and held it out.
Jake recalled his Pokemon, and ran across the very, all-too-large Gym Floor. "WELL!? HURRY UP AND TAKE IT!?" Brock yelled angrily, thinking Jake was right next to him. "I'm taking it, I'm taking it!" Jake lied as he ran, finally reaching Brock. Then he bid his farewells, and left the gym.
"YEAH!! I got a Boulder Badge! And all because the Gym Leader was too stupid just to open his eyes. Hey, wait-a-minute, there was a guy in there with a head injury!! Holy crap!" Then Jake dialed 9-1-1, and reported what he saw.
Shortly after the call, he skipped away, with his eyes once again closed, and skipped right into a fence, promptly uttering a slew of profanities.
End Chapter.
Anyway, yeah, I hope you liked this oneshot. If you want more chapters, tell me by any means. That is, if anyone is actually reading this.