A/N: Let me set up the circumstances under which this fan fic came to be. It was 3 30 of the AM and I was eating Del Taco, with mi amiga, Linz meister. We were drinking coffee. And decided to write a fan fic. Nerdy, I know.
"I'm not gay," Sirius seriously said to his fellow fellow Remus Lupin III esquire junior's son as he looked through a website.
"Not gay?" Remus asked his friendly friend, Sirius "Whitey" Black. "Then why did you ask me to the Yule Ball?"
"Uhm," Sirius said, stumbling stupidly, searching for something to say. "I wanted to," he threw a hand through his wonderfully managed and thus glistening, sparkled hair, "to," he paused yet again, "test you?"
"Test me for what?" Remus the rhombus (?) asked, shooting Sirius a suspicious smile.
"For... life."
"Life?" Remus replied, reading Red Roses for Randy Robert.
A/N: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE WRITING?!
"Yes," he cleared his throat. "I wanted to make sure you're not, you know.."
"What?"
"Gay," he coughed. "Make sure you're not gay."
"I most certainly am not!" Remus scoffed. "Just because I got a bit curious in seventh year does not mean that I am gay."
"Tell that to Severus Snape," Sirius replied, sitting on the futon next to his chihuahua. "And all the Ravenclaw boys."
"I told you that in secrecy!" Remus said through clenched teeth. "Besides, why don't you tell Peter Pettigrew that you're not gay!"
"That was one time, Remus!" Sirius shouted in the utmost outrage. "And I hadn't slept with anything in six months, I wasn't liable for my actions."
"Anything?"
Sirius stared at Remus defensively, "Hey, you try getting laid when the school knows you have all the STD's."
"Well, maybe if you wouldn't have slept with the Parkinson twins then you wouldn't be dealing with that, would you?" Remus grinned. "But I suppose you can't be blamed for that either?"
"Of course not," Sirius replied. "As I've informed you many a times already, I was under certain illegal influences." He paused to nonchalantly examine his nails. "Besides, if you hadn't slept with half of all the Quidditch players, maybe you wouldn't be getting blackmailed."
"The blackmailing is only because I'm a one night and one night only kind of guy," Remus said. "They just couldn't deal with the fact that I'm afraid of commitment."
"If I were anyone you slept with, I wouldn't complain about not having to deal with you in the morning," Sirius snorted. "You look like a wolf." He took a moment to snicker. "Wolf. Get it?"
Remus stared at Sirius without expression. "Keep your day job. And just because James isn't around to 'entertain' you when you get 'bored' doesn't mean that I'll take his place."
"You could never," Sirius paused to glance quickly at Remus's crotch, "match James."
"Face it," Remus said, returning back to his novel, "you've wanted me from the start. All the fan girls know it, and so do I."
"Of course the fan girls are right," Sirius rolled his eyes. "You're just jealous because no girls were chasing you, and thus, you resorted to sleeping around with guys."
A/N: Have I mentioned I love gay people?
"Better than, after a vicious rumor was spread by a true wolf, sleeping with the Parkinson twins," Remus replied slyly. "I never thought you'd sink that low."
"You didn't," Sirius replied, stunned beyond all doggy belief.
Remus replied only with a slight nod of the head, and a grin.
"Whatever," Sirius snapped. "Let bygones be bygones. All I'm saying is that I'm about as gay as," he thought of some names in silence, "Albus Dumbledore."
"Oh come on," Remus snorted. "He's flaming. Everyone knows he's gay, since there's so much proof."
"And since there's as much proof about us to feed these vicious lies," Sirius replied, "we can clearly see that rumors are not true."
"We are not gay," Remus said in an ominous voice.
"Who are you talking to?!"
"Well... you know," Remus motioned toward the walls of their apartment, "the people."
"Whatever," Sirius rolled his eyes, walking back to his mirror to continue giving his eyes the perfect smokey effect.
A/N: Get it? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?