Author: Olya
Series: Megami Kouhosei (Pilot Candidate) (Candidate for Goddess)
Pairing: read and see
Rating: PG-13
Genre: angst/future-fic/ slightly AU for things that didn't really happen in the show
Email: sacred_tune@hotmail.com, AIM: Cherished Abyss
Disclaimer: I do not own Megami Kouhosei in any way, shape, or form. This piece is a fan fiction, and is made specifically for the purposes of entertaining and expanding imagination of Megami Kouhosei fans.
For Those Who Seek Balance
Part 1
Genesis
It's raining.
They say it never rains during this season and they are right, but today is a special day. It is so special that I decide to stand here, under the safe hood of my umbrella, and keep you company for the next half an hour.
I never thought you'd be the first one to go. You were always so strong, so full of energy that seemed to never end, the energy that I always lacked of. Or maybe you just got tired of everything. I understand you though; the things you went through make me feel tired at the mere thought of them. Somebody smart said once that everything seeks balance in this Universe. Luckily you found your balance – me, as bluntly as it sounds – but is very true – we both know that. Yet because I was so fascinated with you, as I watched you grow up into the man you became, I forgot to seek for my own stability. It is too late for me to look for it now: I'm too old, and probably as tired as you were.
And so, the only weight in my heart right now is that familiar weight of incompleteness which you once felt yourself, and which I made go away. I cannot repress my sadness as I realize that I failed to do one thing I was meant to do as a human being, I failed to find my balance…and I gave up anything and everything to help you find yours.
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Do you remember how we met? I think it was a special day, and it should have rained then, but being where we were – it never rained, the sun never shined, and it was never cloudy. Wind never bothered my hair. I was barely fifteen, so innocent, so oblivious to cruelty of the Universe around me; and you were…you were lost. We were all orphans on GOA, all of us lost someone to the war, and we grieved with pain from time to time for the ones who would never come back to us. Back then I thought you had lost someone unique. Life had to be pretty damn hard for you to become this way. It was later that I understood it was you who you'd lost. You lost yourself in the midst of hell that you had to live through before coming to GOA.
When I first saw you – I saw an injured puppy. The first thing that came to my mind was that you were in a desperate search of a healer, someone who would take you home, bandage you, and give you love and comfort that you needed so much. I hadn't considered the fact that an injured dog would bite anyone who'd come near it, in fear that they would hurt it more.
I got bitten, and hard.
Never in my life had I met anyone who got physical with me. Never in my life had my pure desire to help been rejected so roughly. Later on, while sitting and weeping in my room I realized that those claret orbs were concealing something much stronger than mere pain…they held in everything that human principles stood against – death, murder, violence, and theft. I tried to feel angry with you, the things you've done in your past were written all over your face, but I ended up feeling angry for you. Angry for all the things you went through, unvoiced yet clearly evident; I began to hate the world you grew up in. Perhaps, I hated it even more than you did.
You told me not to try to understand you. Your words still clearly fill my head: "Your job is to support me, not to get into my business. Do not try to understand me, understood?" Right then and there the goals of my life had changed in order to fit yours. Even after you had forbidden me to be friends with Kizna because she was your rival's repairer, I did not object and did what you told me. I no longer got up in the morning to learn, work and be the best I could be. I got up every morning to learn – so you would not be disappointed in me, I worked – so your dreams would come true, and I did everything in my power for you to be the best you could be as well. Whatever your dreams were, as I made it clear to you and to myself: I would help them become reality…whatever was the cost.
My pure devotion to you had clouded my judgment to an impossible level. After sabotaging Zero's PRO-ING I understood just how serious my devotion got. Zero was your rival, and his fall would surely win your appraisal of me. I remember how surprised I was when you cornered me in that small hallway, and nearly strangled me to death because of what I did. I was confused. I didn't comprehend as to why you'd be infuriated with me for this. It took many years for me to realize that you didn't hate Zero. He was simply the release of that something, which was begging to come out ever since you left those dirty streets that robbed you of a decent childhood. You and he were of equal power and wisdom, always. Yet, Zero grew up in a more or less happy environment, and that was what you truly hated. You despised the fact that he got to have one thing you didn't – innocence.
I couldn't help but ask myself a question: what kind of release was I to you then? If not anger and hatred – then what? My question was answered only many years later.
While we were the Pilots and the Repairers in training, many things happened to us: from small to big, from happy times to the times worth crying for. Ernest – the older brother of Erts – died in the battle against Victim. Erts was instantly called up to be the substitute Pilot for Reneight Klein. He was forced to leave his repairer behind, and move on. Sadly enough, Rome wasn't the only thing he left behind. While Erts was on GOA, he and Zero managed to become good friends, a relationship that would further turn into something more precious.
Still, as loyal as I've become to you, my eyes couldn't help but fall on your rival.
Zero…there was that special something about him as well, and not only you could feel it – I felt it too. He was almost an exact opposite of who you were, yet both of you were so much alike. And so, I became fascinated with Zero in a different kind of way than I did with you. I began seeing this boy in a new light back when we were in GOA. To me, he was flawless, selfless, loving and caring, and he was the ultimate champion. A champion I would like to be with, make love with, and care for. After Zero found out later that it was I who sabotaged his PRO-ING, he got so angry and surprised that I thought he'd never let it go. But he did. He forgave me, and he told me so, because he understood why I did it. We were on friends terms again. That's also when I knew I couldn't dare and dream about him returning my feelings after what I did. If you'd known about my feelings towards Zero back then – I can imagine even now how you would get physical with me, again.
Nevertheless, I tried my best to gain Zero's trust once more, and even though it seemed that he'd dismissed my sabotage as quickly as one-two-three, I knew it had to be much more complicated than that. Still, Zero was very open with me, always cheerful and completely immature at most times – him being Zero and all. He made my attempts to gain his trust easier. Deciding that it was too early to even consider that he could like me back, I just let our friendship stroll its way through the time we spent together. Oh, we spent a lot of time together, none of which you knew about, of course. Zero and I began meeting up in the recreation room every other day after we found out we had the same time of recess during our academic classes. We were chatting, helping each other out with homework, and doing all the things friends did. Sometimes, Zero would open up to me; he would get all serious and sometimes even sad, telling me about how his mother died during their separation at the time when Victim attacked his colony. That was one of his primary reasons for becoming a pilot. Then, he would get so hyper that I couldn't calm him down no matter what. He would talk non-stop about his fascination with the Ingrids. He said that he would pilot the White Goddess. I told him that he would be blessed enough if he could get a chance to pilot any Ingrid, but Zero insisted that I did not understand; he told me that the White Goddess was the one who saved him from the Victim when he was a child, and she would be the one for him. With dreams of this size, I knew, the Universe would just have to find power in itself to make him a Pilot.
Clay was soon promoted for a job on GIS as the Last Observer. The boy himself didn't yet understand what was in store for him; he didn't even know what the term "Last Observer" meant. All of us remembered the boy we befriended, the one who'd constantly push up his glasses as if he was a highly educated person (and he was), the one whose attention would be drawn to anything of matter, the one who would always concern for us, eager to help the best he could.
Then we remember Clay – the Observer.
He was everything the old Clay wasn't: charming, witty, secretive, careless…well not always. We've seen him lose his 'cool' a couple of times, the kind times where heart decided it had enough of false pretences, the kind of times when Saki almost died of heart attack…
One by one we moved to the top. You and I were the first ones to move up, a pretty special arrangement for sixteen-year-old rookies. It all happened when the Pilot of Eeva Leena had lost it. Gareas, his name was, couldn't handle himself anymore. His EX was controlling him, just like it did with you at some point in your life. Gareas was so vulnerable at those times, especially after Ernest's death. Gareas could never control his EX well, and the fatality of his best friend was his breaking point. During a simple attack on the Victim he managed to lose control and use up all of his EX. His repairer, Leena, had retired with him. GIS' Top command had requested for a pilot with a similar EX as Gareas', and you were their first and only choice.
When we took their place, the first thing we did was to rename now our Goddess. You called her Elia, and I called her Phoenix. Later on, we found out that the Goddess Spirit's actual name was, in fact, Elia. I thought by that time that you would change, at least a little. It was not the change itself that concerned me. It was the fact of whether you would be able to change at all. Yet as far as I knew, your heart still remained in the consuming darkness, all of which you didn't wish to share with anyone but her. Elia was what you've lived for every day. She was your guide, your light, your redemption, and I couldn't help but feel jealous. Elia knew that, but she had never tried to draw you closer to me, to let me heal you – for that was my only wish. You were her Pilot. The Pilot. The final warrior and possessor of Elia Phoenix. It would only be natural that she was to try and lead you to peace and redemption. For the reasons still unknown to me, she remained you only to herself and no one else. If it was possible to believe – you became even more closed up. You had spent hours, even days inside her, connecting with the Goddess. As a result of such sessions you had not slept in days at a time, and was starved as well – all because you didn't wish to leave Elia even for a moment; instead you starved for her. You two managed to create a connection which could not be described with mere words.
Was this your dream then? What you wanted all your life? To be with her? Was I a good Repairer? Did I succeed in making your dreams come true?
As your health progressed to worse, I had no choice but to speak with Teela. Now, everybody knew there was something wrong-or rather unusual about this female Pilot…the only female Pilot known to history of mankind. After I told her what was wrong with you, she didn't say a word to me. Teela turned away and proceeded to Elia Phoenix, walking into the cockpit with ease, making me startled a little as she did so. I can only assume that she spoke to you on good terms, and somehow you understood that your hunger for Elia's company was unhealthy for you and mainly – for your job. You never said anything to me, but I think it was very clear to you that it was I who made Teela talk to you. By the next several days you hadn't entered your Ingrid once, but still spent quite a few hours per day sitting in the hanger, looking at her, trying to connect even outside of cockpit. She was yours, and I think you felt that she was your only real possession.
The next ones to arrive on GIS were Force and his repairer, Carres. They were to operate the Red Goddess. The former Pilot, Yu Hikura, lost both of his legs in a vicious battle against Victim. His sacrifice had saved five colonies from destruction, thus keeping fifty thousand people alive. Yu and his sister Kazuhi, who also happened to be his Repairer, had left GIS, and were given a lifetime citizenship on Zion. This was a big event for any human being – to settle and live on Zion, our last planet, and Yu with Kazuhi fully deserved this honor.
You and Force didn't socialize much, giving the past circumstantial conflicts between you two. I had befriended Carres, and found out that she was a wonderful person if you'd look past that solid and cold exterior. I missed Kizna, and didn't have any friends on GIS before Carres. Amazingly, the Red Goddess' Repairer and I got along very well. You didn't care about this friendship, for we did not compete for a Goddess anymore.
Zero and Kizna were the next ones to come. There was no question about which Goddess they would be with. In truth, we all knew, even you did, that Zero was meant to be the Pilot for Teela. It was no sooner they got on board, that the one-and-only woman Pilot to ever exist had vanished without a trace. She was the one to unexpectedly call up Zero and Kizna to GIS. For the first time in my life I've noticed that you had actually been satisfied with Zero's presence in the facility. I have always wondered how come he had such influence over you. Whatever he did affected your existence, and you probably realized it somewhere during your life. It was still a mystery to me back then how come you had despised Zero so much on GOA, but had been able to ignore him so willingly on GIS. In a long run, I understood why you felt that way. Something, probably out of a pure instinct, had told you that Zero was connected to you somehow, that maybe he lived through similar things you lived through, and that he could possibly be the only person who could understand you, and relate to you. He seemed to be like you in a way…and you felt that. The connection between you two – although almost completely ruined by the rivalry – had still existed…and neither of you could deny it, but neither would any of you completely admit it. Perhaps Zero knew about the strange connection too, because he did try to start over with you. He became as open with you as he could; I saw how he tried. Yet, the damage in your relations was already inflicted way too much. You couldn't handle reconstructing your entire state of being, in order to adjust to his friendship – and so, you remained closed-up, all to yourself…with me standing somewhere nearby in the shadows.
The last but not the least ones to come were Yamagi and Tukasa. They had joined almost a year after Zero and Kizna arrived. They were to have the Orange Goddess. The prior Pilot of the Orange Goddess had retired – ran off for something as stupid as love, little mother fu- – were your exact words after hearing the news from Zero that Rioroute had decided he had enough of war, and was going to settle down in a safest colony with his Repairer slash wife-to-be Phil Phileira Deed. Zero, however, wished them a wonderful life, and they left with a promise of sending little Eric's pictures every month or so. Everybody (bar you, of course) was happy for Rio and Phil, and their infant son. Rio and Phil – the phrase sounded so…welcoming, we all knew they were meant to be together even if it took as much as a pregnancy to wake Rioroute up and make him a man.
Saki became a doctor on GOA, quicker than any other medical students. By the time she turned seventeen she was allowed to perform many procedures, and by the time she turned eighteen she got her degree…or rather several of them – relating to various branches of medicine. She loved what she did, and it gave her a drive for studying. Saki was a smart girl, beautiful, and strong in many ways. She used to be my role model at some point. It was a shame though that her dreams of becoming a repairer dimmed away, as Clay left to become the observer.
And so we lived, fought, laughed, cried, loved, cheered, and hoped. Zero and Kizna, Yamagi and Tukasa, Force and Carres, Erts and Tune, Clay, Saki…me and you…
And then came the Prophecy.
To Be Continued in Part 2…