Dear Jamie,

I love you.

I'm going to skip the mushy gushy It Was Love At First Sight bullshit because that would count as pedophilia. I did love you at first sight, but it wasn't in the I Love You Let's Get Together way. It was I Love Your Interest In Myths So Let's Get Together And Have Fun. I'm not being phunny. I'd erase that but North's stationary is very fragile and he only gave me one sheet and I fucking ruined it already didn't I.

"Why is this so hard?" Jack dropped his head on the table and blanked out for a minute. He returned to the letter, not before screaming obscenities at the locked closet door.

Okay. FORGET THAT ALL. North locked me in the stupid supply closet and won't let me out until I finish this letter. North said that I shouldn't write a rough draft or even a stupid outline because it will interfere with my true thoughts. Apparently the first draft is supposed to be my raw emotions. Basically I'm vomiting my feelings up on this paper and it doesn't smell like vomit, but I'm sure that if you put your nose to it you'll smell my sweat.

I haven't been ignoring you because I hate you. I just realized how deeply in love I am with you and I didn't know how to tell you to your face and I didn't want to go to your face and act like I didn't have a life revelation so I went to North and he gave me this letter and locked me in the closet. Bunny was in on this too so he gave me some tips behind the door. I'm sure he was aware I was going to frost his fucking eggs out of his kangaroo pouch so he stayed behind the door. He gave these tips about how to hold a pencil and how to write in a straight line. I told him that his huge yaoi paws shouldn't be able to paint details on eggs and that shut him up. He knows what yaoi is. Jamie, what does that mean? Is Bunny hiding something? Just like you hid those yaoi books under your pillow. Remember when I found them? That was hilarious - until Sophie came in and asked if she could borrow them - then it was terrifying.

I'm going off track. Literally. I'm sorry that my lines are curving. Does that count as artistic? Maybe it symbolizes how my life went off track after I fell in love with you.

What the fuck am I supposed to write here? North said I have to fill this entire page out, front and back.

"I'm out of ideas!" Jack shouted at the door. "I'm just blabbering about random things and it doesn't make any sense! The only real progress I have is 'I love you' and that I'm not a pedophile!"

"Write about your feelings," North said.

"Can I start over? I wrote about how you locked me in a closet and other things that have nothing to do with love."

"No. It must be raw emotions! Write everything you think now. True love is true emotions. No revision."

I guess I'll describe my emotions. I love you because of all the little things you do. You make me feel like a natural woman. I wish I could cross that out. I was thinking about how you'd react to reading this and I got distracted. I love your laugh. It's not like that choked and dying sound Monty makes. It's like a chuckle and a giggle. Maybe you noticed how I always smile when you laugh. Sometimes I laugh too. I always melt inside though. It's like your laugh is the breath of sunlight, melting through my ice. Wow. That was really bad prose. Is that even prose? I don't know the definition of prose. It sounds really elegant and intelligent. That's not me. You'd know because this letter makes no sense.

Remember that letter you wrote in creative writing class? The one where you had to imagine you were a little kid writing to Santa? I loved how you put me in there and asked if he knew me and if I interfered with his preparations for Christmas. And that short story about me was so accurate. You put so many details about me in there, and even though it was technically non-fiction, you won that creative writing competition. Then you published that novel about me and I tried to read one of the advanced copies. I couldn't understand a lot of the words you used, but I really, really wanted to read it, so I just lied on the ground and cried. You didn't laugh at me too much and offered to teach me some of the words. And even though it took up your school nights, you were patient with me. I love how patient you can be with me. It's relaxing and I feel less stressed out when I have to coat Moscow with a fresh layer of snow but I also have a kid waiting for me in another country. I didn't have to rush, and you never complained about how long it took for me to do my rounds.

"North! I need another page!" Jack banged his fist against the door. A paper slipped underneath the door and he snatched it up, quickly setting his pen to it.

Also I love your commitment to me. You sacrifice your social time to hang out with me instead people who are actually alive, and it makes me feel like I'm someone important. You treat me with respect and love, unlike the Guardians who ignored me for hundreds of years before Pitch did his Attack of the Nightmares show.

Your hugs are really good too. You try to squeeze me like a pillow and it hurts but in a good way. I'll tell you now that the first hug you gave me was a little low and I seriously thought you were groping my butt at first. You had bad aim, but it was okay because you were a kid and I didn't think you understood what you were actually doing.

I think I started loving you in the I Want To Be Yours way when you turned sixteen. We went ice skating with some of your friends and I was teaching you how to skate and you slipped between my legs and banged your head against my crotch. Then I fell on your face and it was so awkward because I don't wear underwear and my pants are thin so you were practically getting a face-full of my ass. I also made your nose bleed. I don't know if that fall knocked something into me, but the next thing I remember was thinking you were so darn cute even with all that blood dripping down your chin. Then you sprained your ankle when you tried to stand up. You screamed and it was the worst thing I could imagine. I hated seeing you in pain. It was like watching a part of me die. It felt like something broke inside of me and I never wanted to see you hurt again. I wanted to protect you from everything.

That included your jackass of a first boyfriend. I was so pissed that you went out with a guy like him when there were nicer guys like me. The time he slipped on the street after he called you the r-word wasn't an accident. I was spying on you two. I wanted to see what it was about him that charmed you. I also didn't trust that asshole and I wanted to make sure he didn't try anything on you.

Your second boyfriend pissed the fuck out of me so I told North about it and he realized how much I was in love with you. Then you broke up with your boyfriend yesterday and I didn't come to celebrate with you. I promise though. The night after you get this letter, I'll visit you.

And then you can slap me or kiss me.

- Jack

Jack kissed the letter and then slapped it down on the small table. "I'm done! And I'm broke too so you'll have to pay for the stamps."

A/N: I don't know how bad this is. I'm not going to reread it. Let me know what you think in the reviews. Thanks for reading!