Hey, Hey, Hey!

This is my first fan fiction for Harry Potter!

Not that you really care, but I feel that if I say it's my first fan fic, it entitles me to be lazy with my writing.

Anyway, try refraining from swearing your face off in the comments. Unless you want to freely express how totally amazing this story is.

Also, this is a parody. Which means it might offend a few Harry Potter fans out there. The humour is basically just forms of satire. This first chapter has basically no Hogwartization in it. But I promise there will be in the following ones!

Lots of Love,

HelloHogwarts oxox (Ha-ha, now it looks like I made dead faces if you tilt your head to the right)

PS: BTW - \/\/\/\/\/ means that long horizontal line that separates text. It doesn't show up on fanfiction

My parents and I moved to England a month ago.

No, I did not kick up a fuss and say, "but mo-om, I want to be with my friends!" because truthfully, I only had two friends back in America. One of which was the school janitor, who when I would talk to, would give me dirty looks and start swearing at me in Russian. I realized that if I gave him money, he'd shut up and pretend to listen to me. Pretty friendly, eh?

The other one was a boy named Paul. He never talked, which suited me fine. What I didn't realize was that he suffered from anxiety. He had a mental breakdown when I asked him if he wanted to go see a movie with me. His parents pulled him out of the school so he could go to a brand new "special" one. Poor guy.

I didn't know why, but no one ever liked me. I didn't have some mental problem and I wasn't particularly unattractive and I didn't smell bad. I just didn't fit in. So what, I was a little sarcastic and rude. So what, I rolled my eyes at everything people said. It didn't mean the only friends I should have was the school janitor who I had bribe to stop swearing at me and Paul, who was just a messed up kid. No one ever teased or bullied me. I wasn't a loser, I was just barely acknowledged.

So when my parents announced that we were moving countries, all I said was "okay," and went up to my room and watched the new episode of Jersey Shore. But of course, both my parents being life coaches meant there was a layer of depression or something under what I had just said. My mom's favourite pastime was making people feel bad, just so she could make them feel better. So she threw open my bedroom door just when The Situation was about to take off his shirt and glided in like she owned the place. Which she did, but, whatever.

"Hi," I said in a monotone voice, not lifting my eyes of the TV screen.

"Hello sweetie," Mom replied in a sugary voice, taking a seat next to me on my purple beaten up sofa. She lifted her eyes to the screen. "Oh my goodness! What are you watching!"

"Jersey Shore," I replied.

"Did that boy just take his pants off?"

"Who, Mike? Yeah. He does that a lot,"

Mom sighed sympathetically. "I know you're upset about moving, honey, but porn is not the way to solve your problems."

"What the hell mom! I'm not watching porn!"

"Elizabeth, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Lots of girls your age go through this sort of thing. I guess it's just the way of life. When your father and I were younger, we would experi-"

"MOM! Shut up, okay? I don't need to hear about what you and Dad do in your spare time!"

"Sweetheart, please. I know you're angry, but you shouldn't take it out on me."

And there you go. Now I have anger issues and I watch porn. Classic mom.

"Your father and I need to go into hibernation, and the crew is migrating to London."

There's something you need to know. Life coaches coach you on life. But that does not mean they do it well. Most of them are just crazy. My parents go into that category. You see, my parents are so into being all hippie-ish and being positive and living a good life, they have to go into hibernation. And yes, it's exactly what you're thinking of.

"Sweetie, if you want to connect with your true self and find the core of your inner beauty and connection with Mother Nature, you need to first connect with all of Mother Nature's creations on an intimate level. When you hibernate, you can feel yourself talking to the animals and therefore, living a healthy life," Dad would tell me. And then I'd laugh. And then he'd get pissed and start crying. And then mom would comfort him and then accuse me of some new issue.

So for the summer, my parents would go on "hibernation" with all these hippies. Basically all they do is meditate and eat lettuce. They'd go to a different place every summer. I've always been stuck living with my mom's friend Olga for the months they were gone. She made me work in her organic chip shop from 9am till 6pm every day and payed me a dollar an hour. I swear I was suicidal.

"Why are we moving there? How come you're not just going for two months like you always do?" I asked.

"Because of…"

"Well actually you…"

"For a change of scenery," they both said simultaneously. Then they both put on a fake smile and tilted their heads to the right.

"Um…okay then," I said, raising my eyebrows. What was up with them? Honestly, I really didn't care. I just wanted them to leave so I could continue watching Jersey Shore/so called porn.

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I was sitting in my living room, watching the English substitute of Jersey Shore, Ladette to Lady. Mom and Dad were going to their hibernation camp in a week, and they wanted to run over the details with me.

What I couldn't believe about England was how well, floral, everything was. I swear, the sofa was upholstered in a flower print, the wallpaper was unattractive beige covered in roses and the carpet was hidden underneath its print of thousands of faded daisies.

My parents walked into the room, my mother's face buried in my dad's shoulder, so it looked like she was trying to bite his arm off. She probably was; it might be a new life coaching technique.

"Hey," I said casually, quickly switching the television off before Mom could diagnose me with another issue.

"Hello sweetheart," Dad smiled, as he and Mom sat on either side of me.

"Did I do something wrong?" I asked suspiciously.

"No dear!" Mom laughed. And laughed. And laughed. And then Dad joined in. They were laughing so hard they looked constipated.

"What's so funny?"

"Oh, hon, I love you," Dad said heartily.

"Well, Elizabeth, we are going into hibernation in seven days,"

"Yeah?"

"Well, you will not be attending the Christian Camp," Dad said.

Oh yes! Thank god! Sitting around a campfire singing songs about the Lord was not exactly my cup of hot chocolate. "Oh…no," I lied.

"You'll be going to Hogwarts."

"Hog-what?"

"Hogwarts. A school for witchcraft and wizardry."

"Why am I going there?"

"Elizabeth, you're a witch."

"Thanks a lot, mom."

"No, Elizabeth, I mean it. You are a witch."

And then it was my turn to laugh like I was constipated.