Authors' Notes : I don't like authors' notes so i will try to make this as short as possible. This is my very 1st fan fiction. I wanted to write it for some time, I just did not have courage to do it until now. Stephenie Meyer owns everything, I am just playing with her characters and giving it some of my own fantasies.
This story takes place in New Moon, after Bella crashes in the chapter "The end". This story will be written in BPOV and will deal with her depression and her life after Edward.
Starting over yet again - Prologue
» The waves of pain that had only lapped at me
before now reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under.
I did not resurface. «
Yes . . . I had Charlie picking me up from the wooden floor of my room hours or maybe days later. My body does not understand the time, and my mind. .. Well, my mind was all I had left. How ever damaged or out of control. Every time I try to piece it together I just . . . I feel it. That glitch. I remember feeling its presence ever since I learnt how different I was, how I've never fit in anywhere. I knew that thing was partly responsible for my miseries.
As far as my heart – it was gone. Either he took it with him or destroyed it that day I wished I died. Just like in a shitty preteen romance novel.
He. . . Edward. Yes . . . I could think his name, I could.
NOW.
Now was safe to think of it. I was alone in my damaged mind and his name actually gave some sort of a meaning to why I was here. Why the solitude I cherished and craved all my upbringing was now set aside for „my own good". Because ever since I hit the bottom, I was not trusted to be alone. There would always be someone near by, maybe not in the same room – but still too close. Always wide awake, watching every breath, my every move. Days of silence of my own private space were gone.
They meant well, but they were wrong to be afraid for me. I would not damage or in any way hurt my body. What were my chances of feeling anything after . . .
I would watch my veins and how they pulsed. That is how i was sure that my heart- the essential organ of my body was inside of my chest. Working for me. SO that I could live, walk, breath, talk, eat. Live. Breath. Take in air – get the oxygen and exhale whatever my by-someone-called-irresistible blood did not need.
I ate to be strong, to give my body what it needed, hoping it will give me pleasure of comfort. So that I will be able to caress my arms with my fingertips and feel the softness without recalling butterflies from his cold and smooth touch.
Not interesting . . . not good enough... What did I even expect ? For how long would have the scent of my blood remain interesting to him, would make him stick around ? To my very end ? To the end of my mortal life and his eternal guilt ?
Now i understood. I had no idea what Edward and I were. I didn't know him at all.
„I am not human"
I wanted to recall every moment we spent together, to recollect all the possible sings of his withdrawal. What was I missing ? Before, i could easily pretend that bad things did not happen, I could put them in one large box in my head, without even giving it any effort.
Why was not every awakening starting with the scene of him in the woods. Looking at me with those cold golden eyes in silence after finally telling me, admitting how we did not exsist anymore. How he grew tiered of me.
„Bella, we are leaving." – how did I not see it, hear it from the sound of his voice with that cold stare.
„I don't want you to go with me."
„ . . .it's time for a change " –change of pace, change of the environment. Change.
„Because I'm… tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." – how inhuman was he look he gave me while saying those lines. How cruel and yet his stone white face was still angel-like.
And I begged him not to do this to us. To me. And then, he gave the final strike, the one that left me disarmed in every possible way.
„You're not good for me, Bella"
So i had to let go. To love and cherish everything he gave me, every moment I've managed to steal from his immortality. In gaze i remember promising him I would take care of myself and how in return I'll never be disturbed by him or his family again. How he will make sure I go on with my life, as if he never existed.
"Don't worry. You're human–your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."
** ** **
„Bella ? Bella honey are you awake ?"
My guardian was here.
„Bella honey, it's time to at least take a sip of water. Honey please don't make me beg you. You need water at least. Say something honey. . . Let me hear your voice!"
She desperately wanted to take care of me. She needed a sing that I was there. That I was present, that I knew how worried she was and how she needed for me to get better.