The List

By Grace (purplemud)

Pairing: Naley
Summary: When pregnant, hormonal Haley asks Nathan a list of ALL the girls he has ever been with, Nathan makes two lists. But why did he make two? Was it just his innate inability to follow instructions? Nathan's thoughts while making the list.
Author's note: Wow. I am still alive. Married now, relocated to a different province and in the process, have partially given up writing fics because it just wasn't happening for me. I sit and sit and stare at the screen and... nothing. Until last night when I was going through my files and found an unfinished one-shot and suddenly, the impossible happened. I was able to actually finish this. I hope that you guys enjoyed this bit of tentative fic writing comeback. As always, feel free to tell me anything and everything. Comments and feedback are all much appreciated.
Disclaimers: Standard disclaimers apply. I own nothing.

The List

Nathan took a deep breath; pen in hand, a blank sheet of paper staring up at him. If he had been Lucas he would have probably felt the accusing glare of the paper, but he wasn't and all he could think of was: this is not going to be enough for all the names that are suddenly popping up inside his head.

Another deep breath. Rub hands. Some neck rotations. Alright, no sense in delaying the inevitable. It's game time.

So, should he just do this chronologically?

Oh wait, Haley had said not to list Taylor's name anymore and besides, did he really want to start off The List Of All The Girls He Had Ever Been With with his wife's older sister?

Nathan clenched his jaws at that and shook his head, mentally answering his own question. God why was he such a bastard?

Of course, in his defense, he really didn't think the things that he did in the past would hurt Haley now. He wished desperately that it wasn't the case and if there was a way for him to undo his past, he would. For Haley's sake. He could live with all the bad things that went down in his life, it made him who he is right now. What he couldn't live with was that these things have the potential to hurt his wife.

And that's just way too many potential.

He had never thought that things in the past will come back, hunt him down and chew off his ass. What was it that Lucas used to say? About the past and hindsight? Well that was a pretty fucking useless saying. Because obviously, you'll never know anything until it actually happened. He could never have guessed, not in a million years that he would end up marrying Haley James, who aside from being break-your heart pretty and smart, also valued honesty. And more importantly, had never done anything in her life that was remotely close to what he had done.

Nathan had always breezed through life thinking that he was allowed to make stupid ass mistakes because, well, he was young and stupid and also, at the time of the crime, drunk. Like out-of-his-mind drunk.

Was there any excuse needed for making a sex tape? A sex tape with your ex-girlfriend's bestfriend.

That was an important thing to remember: he and Peyton had broken up that night.

And yeah, ok, there was the timing thing. He could've at least waited for a couple of hours before doing the unthinkable. But we all go back to the fact that he was extremely drunk that night.

Obviously, it wouldn't have matter much if he had married Brooke, but that wasn't even in the realm of possibilities in his life. And just to reiterate, because this cannot be stressed enough: he had been insanely drunk that night. Like totally out of his mind drunk. And although that excuse will never hold any strength for the people involved, Nathan honestly felt that it was enough of an excuse. That's about the only time he'd ever touch Brooke Davis; drunk to the point of actually forgetting that the tape ever existed. That they'd actually had sex.

Nathan shuddered at the though. The tape had brought back memories he would have rather not remembered at all.

Now, if he had ended up marrying Peyton and she found out about the tape, she would probably paint their whole house black, all their furniture and plants included. She will not speak for him for a couple of days. She'd lock herself inside their room and play all the horrible guitar-y music as some sort of punishment. She may or may not ask for divorce but Nathan was certain that whatever Peyton asked for, he'd give it to her, just to make him feel less guilty.

That was the nature of their relationship and Nathan had no doubt that even if they grew up and eventually hit their forties, they'd inevitably fall into that destructive pattern. (Nathan assumed that Peyton wouldn't ask for divorce, she will make him pay by staying with him, inviting Brooke for family dinners and making endless references to their amateur attempt at pornography but professional act of betrayal. Making him – and herself – angry and miserable. They'd feed off of that anger and misery. This makes a perfect illustration of said pattern.)

Of course, he had (thank God!) fallen in love and married a girl who is extremely sensible and got angry at him for all the right reasons. Who expected an explanation for his dubious behavior. She wanted him to look inside himself and realize his mistake, acknowledge what had made him do it in the first place. And finally, to make a promise, not to her, but to himself, that he will never commit such unspeakable atrocity.

Haley, even when incredibly pissed off, makes sense. She's always been rational. It's one of the many reasons why they were still together, despite the many dramas that had happened over the couple of years. Every time some shit storm like this happens, she's always been able to see all sides of the story. Always willing to listen and hear everyone one out.

Sure, she could be yelling at him, calling out all his faults and bullshit but she was still kind about it in her Haley-way. There was name calling of course, but nothing that did not exactly describe his stupidity. She's not like other girls who are into cruel and unusual punishments. Haley doesn't make stupid demands just for the sake of getting back at you. That wasn't her style.

Usually.

But she's pregnant now and all that pregnant hormone thing is making her act...well, not crazy exactly, but certainly un-Haley-like. He had been warned about this both by his mom and Lucas and yeah, he should have probably read that book about what to expect when your wife is pregnant. He will have to rummage through his closet and look for it and start reading it from now.

Knowledge is power, as Haley once told him. Better be prepared than caught off guard like this. He had never dealt with an irrational and overly emotional Haley. It was, jarring, to say the least. And adorable too, if he was going to be really honest about it. Haley acting all hormone-y is kind of cute.

But in a scary way.

Nathan remembered the scene in the kitchen earlier. He couldn't figure out whether she really wanted him to make a list or if he should start hiding all the sharp objects that could be found inside their home and used against him.

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and slowly brought his forehead down on the cold marble top kitchen counter, trying to figure out what he should do.

Nathan wanted nothing more than to the right thing. Haley wanted him to write down names of girls, but it didn't felt right to him. He was so scared that doing it would only hurt her more and that was the last thing he wanted to do.

He could not shake off the memory of the hurt and disappointed look Haley had given him last night. He just keeps on hurting her. What the hell was wrong with him?

Nathan Scott, Husband of The Year, said no one, ever.

He grudgingly straightened up. He could at least face this like a man, instead of whining like this. This is more Lucas's style. Shaking his head and taking deep breaths, Nathan decided that it didn't matter what hewanted to do. Haley had asked very little from him and if she wanted the truth, in all its gory detail, if she felt that this was what she needed to see, then he should do it. Even if it would probably make her hate him more, even if it will disgust her and make her think less of him. He will just have to be brave about it and accept whatever comes after this.

Even if there was a possibility that after showing her the list, Haley would end up not wanting to do anything with him anymore?

Nathan winced at the thought. Well, if it comes to that, he will fight against it. He will win her over again, no matter what it takes. He'd do everything in his power to make her fall in love with him again and want him again, his sordid past and all.

And if it doesn't work?

Nathan clenched his jaws and shoved that thought away. He couldn't deal with that right now. He concentrated instead on trying to piece back memories from his past. This shouldn't be really hard. His life hadn't been very complicated back then. It was basketball and parties. Winning and partying. Everything revolved around that.

He tapped his pen on the paper, the rhythm nervous and erratic. First off was Taylor and then some sophomore who hooked up with him the next after game party. What was her name? Shelby. Shelly? Could be Shelly. She was blonde. Totally hot and totally drunk.

Nathan sighed and scribbled 'Shelly' on the paper.

He started at it for a long while. This was going to be a long night.

Also, was he supposed to include last names?

Shit, mother fucker.

Well, that didn't take long. Surprisingly.

Less than thirty minutes later, Nathan sat at the same chair, looking at the half-filled up paper, silently re-reading the names, his mood darkening as he went through the list. What an ugly, embarrassing list.

It wasn't as many as people would assume. But still, if he compared it to Haley's own list, which only had one name, his list looked incredibly sluttish.

Contrary to popular belief, he did not bed tons of girls. And not, admittedly, because of lack of trying. Some girls did have more sense than others, credits to them. And when he and Peyton got together, well, the only time he had been with other girls was whenever they broke up. Which, yes, ok, that occurred a lot of times during the span of their relationship, it still didn't amount to as much as Peyton would often accuse him of.

Paranoid Peyton. He had almost forgotten how he used to call her that whenever she'd start acting like he was cheating on her. Checking his phone or his MySpace page. For the record, he had never cheated on her. They've always been broken up whenever he actively tried to hook up with other girls.

Of course, he wasn't proud of what he'd done. But it wasn't like he broke up with Peyton intentionally just so he could go out with other girls. He was an ass, but he wasn't that much of an ass.

Nathan stared at the list again, making sure that it was as honest and truthful as it could get. It didn't look like he had left anyone out. Although it would really help if he didn't have such a good memory. He wished there was some sort of pill he could swallow to selectively erase his memory. That would certainly significantly cut the number of girls in his list.

Half of the names were older girls which was kind of a good thing. Most of them have moved out of Tree Hill too. Haley would not have to see them anymore. Although, she might know them, at least by face or name because of her older brothers and sisters. The other half was their age. No one younger than them, because he wasn't a dirty old perv. That's one saving grace. At least he hoped so. Some of the names were not from Tree Hill, those he had met from summer basketball camps or summer vacation with his parents, another plus. There were only a handful of girls that were still in Tree Hill High and Haley might or might not be acquainted with.

There were five names that Haley would definitely know. One of them her sister and the two other, her closest girl friends.

That was horrible to look at. Those names. It made his stomach churn. He could feel an ugly, bitter taste rising at the back of his throat, making him wince.

Of course, Haley had known he and Peyton were together even before she started tutoring him and although there wasn't any kind of awkwardness between them, the knowledge of having slept with the same guy would have occasionally passed through their thoughts. Haley found out about Taylor after they had gotten married and Brooke just now, at the height of her pregnancy.

That was what? Like some sort of ironic way to mark out significant events in their lives?

When he and Haley started dating, Peyton was the last girl he'd been with. And just months after being married, he had to tell his wife that his first sexual experience was with her older, least favorite sister. And on the day he felt his baby's first kick, Haley saw the sex tape he made with Brooke.

Nathan wanted to hit head with something really hard. Why the fuck was he even worried about still being with Haley after this list? This is definitely going to be the last straw.

Nathan tried to imagine what it would feel like if some of the guys he knew and hang out with had been with Haley. What if Lucas had been with Haley? What if Jake? Or Skills? What if Chris Keller had been with Haley?

He tried not to murder each and every one of his male friends inside his head. But he couldn't help himself, it was complete and utter bloodbath. Just thinking about it, just wondering about it, even if it wasn't true was already painful. Heart wrenching. Gut clenching. Like someone had wrapped a fist inside his chest and was squeezing, squeezing slowly until he couldn't breathe anymore and everything around him was dark and dead and useless and nothing mattered and - he felt the pen snap inside his hand. He blankly stared at it and watched the ink leaking out, forming a small dark stain on the palm of his hand.

Cursing softly, he grabbed a paper towel to wipe off the mess, making sure that he got everything. Because the last thing he needed is a messy kitchen, which might be the last straw for Haley. Nathan suddenly felt tired, like everything had been drained from him. It was as if the list had somehow purged his memories and his past and the only evidence of how lonely and misguided and angry he had felt all these years was a list of names that does not mean anything to him.

It was an empty, worthless list.

And he feels the same about himself. It was unbearable.

Haley's list only had his name.

Only his name.

Why couldn't he give her that? Why couldn't he give her a list that only has her name on it? It wasn't fair. Why couldn't he be perfect for her? Why couldn't he give her a past that wasn't shaded with so many mistakes and regrets?

Nathan wished that there was something he could do to let Haley realize that all the awful mistakes he did, he will pay for all of them, one at a time. He will make his apologies, he will atone. For her. For their family.

Every good thing that he had done, that he will do, that he will continue to always do; it will always be with her in his thoughts. Because she had taught him that. She had shown him an example of how to be noble. Not just to be good or great but noble.

And he wanted to work on being just that. So that someday, he can be worthy of her and their unborn child. So that he won't have to stain his kid and the many other kids they'll have with his mistakes.

But the list wouldn't show her that. She would only see how he had been before he met her. Before he had realized that the he had been living such a fearfully empty life that it could've swallowed him whole in no time, had she not come into his life when she did. She will not see the now. She would only see the past, in all its ugliness.

There is absolutely nothing in the list that will make her want to give him another chance.

Of course, she will be forgiving. But she will never be the same after this list. She will be tainted with the knowledge of how un-anchored and lost he had been all those years before. She'd only see a sad, helpless, hopeless, little boy, jumping from one bed to another, with all these different girls to make him feel better; to dull the blunt edges of fear of not being good enough, of being rejected by his own father if he could not live up to the standards he was being measured against. Of being scared by an unvoiced comparison with another son on the other side of town.

Well, that boy, Nathan had shed him off. He had said good bye to that boy when he met Haley. When he told her he wanted forever with her. And now, that boy will be evident in this list. Haley will get to know that boy.

How are they to move forward with that boy suddenly standing in between them?

Nathan didn't hate that boy, how could he? He knew exactly what he'd been through. He had lived it. But he felt oddly disconnected from him. Like he was a distant relative, a cousin. They have some things in common, nothing more. There wasn't any connection between him and that boy.

He had cut it off. Completely. Haley had helped him let that boy go.

Suddenly, something inside him clicked. There was always some sense in visiting the past, there were things to be learned, to be realized. But Nathan was certain that you weren't meant to hold on to it. It was just like all the basketballs games he had won and lost. Watch it again, watch it as many time as possible. Watch it and learn from it and then face the new game and apply the tweaks and adjustments needed to win this game. That's how you play it, as Coach had drilled it to them every time they'd play a new game.

Remember that game against Oakwood, when you made that shitty pass? Well don't do it anymore. Communicate with your team mate and then make a pass. Remember the time you could have taken the shot but you hesitated? Don't do that again. Remember when you had been staring at your girlfriend in the middle of the game? Do that again Scott, and you're dead.

If Nathan could hand Haley his past, surely, he could also hand her his present and his certainty in his – in their - future. Because if there is one thing that he is truly certain of, it is this: whatever happened, good or bad, he'd face it all, as long as Haley is by his side, holding his hand and never letting go. As long as she is there with him, Nathan knows that everything will be alright. And that's the way he wants his future to be. With Haley. Always and forever.

And so he grabbed another pen and a blank piece of paper.

The Only Girl He Had Ever Fallen In Love With. The Girl He Wants To Spend The Rest of His Life With. The Girl Who Will Be The Mother Of His Children. The Girl Who Will Stand Next To Him When All His Dreams Come True. The Only Girl He Will Ever Be In Love With For Always and Forever.

This list, it will only have her name on it. And she will understand what it will mean.

She has to.

Swallowing hard, Nathan folds his two lists and decides that he will let her choose. She will decide which list will matter. He'll just have to trust that Haley will know. He'll give her the lists, get dressed for prom and then he'll wait. He'll wait and hope and pray and believe in her as he believed in them.

-end-