Disclaimer of Doom: I own nothing, not Harry Potter (thank God!), and not the Tyranids either (although I'd like to). So, Na NA NA NA NA NANA!!!
The Tyranid Annihilation of Hogwarts and the adventures of a dorky wizard/kid.
Harry looked out the window at the dark sky and wondered several things:
First: When would the Tyranids attack?
Second: If he could find a way to stop them?
Third: Who invented the word Squeegee?
Fourth: Are Squeegees edible?
Ron suddenly ran into the room with a wild look in his eyes. "They're coming, they're coming, and I ran out of Toilet Bowl Cleaner!"
"Hmmm... We'll just have to do what we normally do in tight situations."
"Give each other WEDGIES!!!!" Ron cried out with glee.
"No, it hasn't fallen that far, we may be able to send the Fat Hairy man out as a sacrifice."
"Ohhhh... darn."
Harry went to the front door to the castle where a bunch of dumb looking kids were giggling as they sent bursts of magic from sticks they had collected in a ditch. One of the kids saw him and stuck his right arm out and yelled "Heil Harry!!!"
"At ease Sniveling Serpent Sicko, how goes the battle?"
"Hunky-Dorey Sir!" S.S.S. replied.
"Did you send the Fat Hairy man out as a sacrifice yet?" Harry asked.
"Uhhhnnn.... yyeahhhh... Gumba!"
"Exactly!"
The Tyranid Lictor blinked its eyes as the Fat Hairy man who had been shoved out of the "Prey that is idiotic" castle wandered out towards it. It could sense his fear. His eyes darted back and forth feverishly. The Lictor raised its large Scything Talons as it crept forward, its chameleonic scales shifting to keep it hidden. He was within striking distance.
The Fat Hairy man thought he heard something behind him. He sensed a presence near him and turned around just soon enough to see the Claws drive down into his skull. He dropped to the ground twitching. The Lictor let a shrill shriek that pierced the night. The distant Hive Tyrant, hearing the call, sent a psychic message to the Vanguard force of Genestealers that had already infiltrated deep into the castle. He sent another message to the Gargoyles waiting in the Hive ships orbiting the planet. They launched from the ship and glided down on their target. He sent a message to the biovores that they should commence firing spore mines on the castle. He then waited for the final urge from the Hive Mind to tell the huge swarms of Gaunts, Warriors, and Carnifexs to swarm the stone structure.
Then it came.
Meanwhile
Ron and Harry were busy discussing the practical implications of the Chia Pet in modern warfare.
"I just don't think the Chia Pet would grow fast enough to be useful as a new hand grenade." Ron argued.
"Yes it would!!" Harry snapped.
Just as they were saying this, a pair of Genestealers dropped from holes in the ceiling that had been created by the Biovores. The first dropped onto Ron and terminated him with one quick slash. Harry whipped out a Chia Pet and threw it at the Genestealers. The second Genestealer jumped up into the air and grabbed it. It examined the little clay figurine before spiking it onto the floor and dancing over it. Harry through his little magic twig and nailed the Genestealer in the eye. The other one was killed with a blast Herbal Essences down the throat by a quick thinking Harry (The "quick thinking" is a relative term, as Harry usually doesn't think at all).
After running through the halls aimlessly for a while Harry got distracted by a piece of gum that was stuck to his shoe. He immediately attacked it aggressively. While Harry was thus occupied, this happened...
The Hive Tyrant knocked the pathetic, blonde haired kid away. The kid lay on the ground yelling "Mien Fuehrer Potter!!" The Hive Tyrant looked at him once and then crushed him. Turning his gleaming eyes to the inner sanctum of the fortress, he noticed a swarm of Rippers was having trouble defeating a group of owls that were swooping down and grabbing them. He saw the owls were being directed by some sort of large hat that stood upon a mat. Puzzled and amused by his own rhyming abilities the hive Tyrant raised his Venom Cannon and fired a single shot at the hat that was on a mat that was flat and looked like a cat eating a rat. He was now most pleased. The poison encrusted crystal ripped through the hat that was now flat and was saying "Drat". Very Amusing.
Storming into the last room of the Castle, the Hive Tyrant saw a small boy performing Hai Chi on a shoe standing in a corner. The boy yelled something like "Die evil, sticky, pink stuff!!" The Hive Tyrant focused a concentrated blast of psychic energy at him. He dodged it and threw a burning little stick at him. "I was going to kill that gum, but I guess it'll have to wait. Let's see what you got Repto-tard!!!"
The Hive tyrant slashed his 12 Foot claws and chopped the last "Prey" in half. Behind the Hive Tyrant the Rippers were already anxious to begin there feast.
The Hive Mind had learned on interesting thing from this outpost. There were huge stockpiles of Squeegees, Chia Pets, Radiators, Barbie Accessories, Plastic Boats, Ground up Fish Bones, Toilet Bowl Cleaner, and Pieces of paper that had "The Cheeseburgers will start a war against the Toenail Clippers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It also noticed that one of the infinite Hive Tyrants had begun to rhyme constantly. Most Amusing.