Chapter 1
"Get the hell out of my auditorium," Artie sneered at Sebastian, the lone Warbler left in the audience after an awe inspiring performance of "Black or White" by the New Directions.
Sebastian glared up at New Directions and the Warblers up on the stage in front of him. He snickered at them, and turned on his heel to head to the door. He strutted his way out the door with the swagger, and turned back with a glare to let the New Directions know they weren't seeing the end of him.
"Thanks so much for helping us break free from that evil tyrant, guys," Trent, the adorable chubby Warbler, exclaimed.
"We're sorry that we went along with the plan to slushy you, Kurt," Jeff, the adorable blonde Warbler, said. "We were just trying to humiliate you. We didn't want Blaine to get hurt. We didn't know Sebastian put rock salt in the slushy. We only went along with it because we were mad at you for stealing Blaine from us."
"You don't understand how difficult it has been for us since Blaine left Dalton," Nick, the adorable sweet Warbler, said. "All of the sunshine and hope left Dalton the day he left, and now we only have that smarmy snake Sebastian to lead us to regionals."
Kurt looked at the Warblers with the dreamy look he gets at the mere mention of Blaine's name. "It's OK, boys. I forgive you. I understand the impact that Blaine leaving Dalton had on you. Blaine is wonderful and perfect. Sunshine, and rainbows surround him, and cute little puppy dogs and kittens follow him wherever he goes."
Trent replied, "I know! Blaine is just so wonderful! I just can't believe he's in the New Directions now! Sometimes I sit in the chair he used to sit in when he was performing with the Warblers just so my ass can be in a place where Blaine's ass once was."
Kurt said, "And hot damn, it's a mighty, mighty fine ass! His ass could end world hunger!"
Nick said, "And we owe all of you New Directions an apology for wanting to steal the Michael setlist from you. We shouldn't have went along with Sebastian's plan. We never should have tried to take such a magical setlist from Blaine."
Puck said, "It's OK, bros. I so wanted to be mad at Blaine for leaking our setlist to you. I know he was being an Eggs Benedict for letting Sebastian know our setlist, but even the Puck Man falls for Blaine and forgets all of Blaine's transgressions when he bats those dreamy eyelashes and eyebrows."
Santana said, "Enough talk. We have reason to celebrate! Sebastian is gone. The Warblers are our dancing buddies. Let's party!" She reached into her Cheerios uniform and whipped out a bottle of tequila and some shot glasses.
Jeff said, "Whoa. Where did that come?"
"You'd be surprised to see what a woman can store in her under boob. Show them, Brit."
Brittany reached into her Cheerios uniform and pulled out a half dozen limes and a salt shaker. "Tequila shots, anyone?"
Santana says, "And not only do I come fully stacked with libations, I also have some food for just such an occasion. I'll let you in on an Auntie Tana secret. I have the perfect round ass because my rump is really a perfectly carved rump roast, cooked to perfection by my body heat. A cheerio always comes prepared." She reacheed under the skirt of her Cheerios uniform, and pulls out a hot steaming rump roast. All eyes watch as the skirt falls down and Santana's round perfect ass was now nothing more than a limp straight extension of her back.
Finn said, "Awesome. I wish we had some awesome mashed potatoes to go with it."
Rory sauntered forward and said, "Well, I am an Irish Leprechaun, and I can take care of that." With a crinkle of his nose, and a wiggle of his hyperactive eyebrows, a humongous bowl of mashed potatoes popped into his hands.
Finn's eyes bulged out at the sight of the steaming bowl of mashed potatoes. "Awesome," Finn exclaimed. "Thank you, Grilled Cheesus and your awesome little Leprechaun friend, too!"
Brittany threw her arms around Rory and shouts, "I knew you were a real leprechaun!"
Puck said, "The Puck Man is ready to Par-Tay! We can turn this party into a kegger pronto. Sam, Mike, come help me get the keg of Coors I have stashed in the porta potty down by the football field."
Mike lifted his shirt and said, "These abs are ready for a workout."
Sam lifted his shirt and said, "Fully loaded and ready to go, Puck Man!"
Mercedes oogled at Sam's kickass abs. "You are so abtastic, Sam. You have a six pack. Shane looks like he drank six six packs." She jumped on Sam and shoved her tongue down his throat.
Puck shouts, "Sam, enough! We have a mission. To the keg!"
Sam pulled away from Mercedes and said, "Dear sweet chocolate thunder, I have to go on this mission. It's vital to the survival of show choirs everywhere! I'll come back to you. I swear. But just in case, I don't make it back. I love you." He kissed Mercedes one last time.
Mercedes cried, "No. Sam. Don't go."
Sam said, "I'm sorry, cocoa love. I must. For the greater good of show choir kind!"
Puck, Mike, and Sam flexed their muscles and ran from the auditorium.
Finn sat at the drumsticks and began pounding out a beat to dance to as Artie rolled off to the side of the stage and set the auditorium lights to strobe.
Santana started pouring shots of tequila, and handed one to Kurt.
Kurt said, "No, I can't. I have to stay sober so I can be the designated driver so no one gets drives drunk. And I really should go to Blaine's house. I promised him a pint of chunky monkey ice cream and a sponge bath this afternoon."
Rachel squeezed a lime and shook some salt on Kurt's neck and said, "Come on BFF. Stay and have a drink with us. Blaine will understand." She downed a shot of tequila and sucked the lime and salt concoction off Kurt's neck.
Finn tossed the drumsticks to the drummer who always stands two feet behind him, and did a back flip over the drum kit, landing on his feet next to Kurt. He wrapped an arm around Kurt, and said, "I got your back, bro. Have a drink. I'll drive. Burt and Carole would kill me if I let anything happen to their favorite saintly son."
Kurt said, "I guess I could have just one." He sniffed the tequila, and said, "This smells like my uncle Charlie."
Santana squeezed lime juice and sprinkled salt on Rachel's neck and said, "Drink up, Princess Dry Thighs."
Kurt downed the shot, and licked the lime and salt off Rachel's neck. "Party on, everyone! It's five o'clock somewhere."
Everyone shouted as Kurt downed a second shot.
The New Directions and Warblers began to loosen up and dance wildly around the auditorium stage.
Meanwhile, across town, in a manish bedroom across town, Blaine lied alone in his humongous bed, moaning in discomfort from his injured eye. He glanced at the clock with his one good eye, and saw that it was five o'clock.
Blaine reached for his phone, and dialed Kurt's cell phone. After five rings, he heard Kurt's voicemail pick up, "Hi. This is Kurt. I can't take your call right now. I'm probably doing something fabulous with my dreamy boyfriend Blaine like giving him a mani-pedi or a soothing peanut butter and cilantro facial. Leave a message and I'll call you back when I have a spare moment between admiring, kissing, and fawning over Blaine."
Beeeeeeeeppppppp.
"Hey, Kurt. It's Blaine. Where are you? It's 5:00. You should have been here an hour ago. I hope you are OK. Call me."
Back at McKinley, the party was going in full swing. The Warblers have ripped off their blazers and everyone was swinging them above their heads like lassos.
A little tipsy after several tequila shots and keg stands, Kurt tied a Dalton neck tie around his head, and was sitting on Trent's back riding him around the stage like a pony.
Santana and Brittany were seated on the edge of the stage crying.
Brittany cried, "Oh Tanny-Bear, our lives are so empty without Blaine here. Why oh why did he get hit with the slushy? Why wasn't it me?"
Santana whined, "This party blows. I thought that drinking would make everyone forget how much we miss Blaine, but this party really isn't in full swing without him."
Rory sauntered up behind them, and said, "I know. I miss Blaine's smooth styling and flirty eyes. He is the only bloke who has eyebrows better than mine." He wiggleed his eyebrows for all to see.
Brittany said, "Rory, don't. It's too painful. It reminds us too much of Blaine." She buried her head in Santana's ample bosom.
Finn noticed that other than a drunken Kurt, everyone seemed down in the dumps without Blaine nearby. He said, "I'm the leader of this group. Everyone, lose the long faces. Blaine wouldn't want us to be upset that he isn't here. He wouldn't want us to miss out on the awesome under boob tequila and limes. He wouldn't want us to miss out on the awesome butt rump roast and the awesome leprechaun potatoes. Or the awesome porta potty keg. He'd want us to live it up and party like he was here in his awesomeness glory. We have to do this, guys. We have to have an awesomely fun good awesome time in honor of our awesomely awesome friend Blaine."
Quinn said, "But how do we do that, Finn? I mean, I made out with every Warbler here. I even let some of them get to second base. I even let the adorable chubby one touch my chastity belt. And I still miss Blaine."
Finn said, "Well, normally, my awesome suggestion would be for awesome Blaine to do an awesome solo, but since awesome Blaine isn't here, I have to suggest the next awesomest thing. There is only one awesome thing that comes close to the awesomeness of a Blaine solo."
Jeff looked at Finn, and said, "What is it, Finn?"
Finn said, "An awesome Hummelberry awesome duet."
Rachel squealed in delight. "Yes, yes! A Hummelberry duet is exactly what we need." She ran to Kurt and said, "Kurt, Kurt, stop riding that Warbler around. We need to sing. We need to sing for Blaine. If we don't sing this song right now we'll never get into NYADA."
Kurt said, "NYADA? Did someone say NYADA? I'm a finalist."
Rachel said, "Kurt, the song." She winked at the band and said, "Hit it boys."
The band started playing Celebration by Kool and the Gang as Rachel and Kurt began their choreographed and never rehearsed song and dance with a precision and pitch so perfect that it was like they were channeling each other.
Meanwhile, back in Blaine's bedroom, Blaine looked at the clock with his one good eye, and saw that it was now 5:15. He redialed Kurt's number for the 47th time.
"Kurt, Kurt, I'm really worried about you. I'm going to come find you, and save you from whatever trouble you may be in. I know nothing would keep you away from giving me a sponge bath and feeding me some chunky monkey as I lie here on my sick bed. I only have one good eye, but I'm going to come find you and save you."
Blaine hung up the phone, and reached for the white cane that he had to start using after his eye got injured in Sebastian's slushy attack. He calls out, "Liza, Liza, come here, girl. I need you."
The trusty seeing eye dog Kurt gave Blaine as a gift after the attack ran into the room.
"Liza, take me to McKinely, girl. Kurt is in trouble."
With his white cane in hand, and Liza leading the way, Blaine made his way to McKinley. He noticed music coming from the auditorium. As he approached the door, he bumped into someone that he couldn't see because she was on the side where he injured his eye. He took a step back, and saw Tina standing there.
"Oh hey, Tina. I didn't notice you there." He batted his good eyelash and raised his good eyebrow at her.
Tina swooned for a second, and said, "Hi, Blaine. It's OK. I'm used to it. Nobody ever notices me. At least not since I lost my lisp. I didn't even know you knew my name."
Blaine asked, "Have you seen Kurt? He was supposed to come over to give me a sponge bath, and feed me some chunky monkey."
Tina said, "I think he's in the auditorium with everyone else."
"Thanks, Tina. See you later."
Blaine walked to the door and opened in time to see Kurt and Rachel finish their duet as the New Directions and Warblers swayed around them.
After singing the last note, Kurt and Rachel both did body shots off the body of a shirtless Warbler.
Blaine shouted, "Kurt!"
The color drained from Kurt's face when he turned and saw Blaine in the doorway at the back of the auditorium. He was caught having fun red handed.