A/N: Okay, so, songfic to Tin Man by Kenny Chesney. J/C, of course. Thank you for reading!
Her sister smiled as she put the movie into the player, and they settled down to watch an old time favourite-The Wizard of Oz. The original version. Kathryn had been home only a few months, but it had seemed fantastic to be home with her family-if not for...him.
The movie began, and she watched it, her sister and mother with her. They were celebrating 3 months since her homecoming. The Wizard of Oz was, after all, a movie about family, and she was finally back with hers.
She smiled as the familiar characters appeared on screen, as Dorothy flew through the Tornado and arrived in Munchkinland, as she met the Scarecrow, who was searching for a brain, the lion-and the Tin Man, who, for some reason unknown to Kathryn at that moment, wanted a heart.
Saw a man in the movies that didn't have a heart
How I wish I could give him mine
A heart did have some good things, it was true. You could love with a heart, have friends, you could even give you heart away.
But you couldn't always choose who you gave your heart too, and sometimes they, in turn, would give their heart to you, but in others, they would give it to another.
Then I wouldn't have to feel it breaking all apart
And this emptiness inside would suit me fine
She'd acted as if nothing was wrong, or at least, tried to. She smiled, and talked to her family, her friends from Voyager, even Chakotay and Seven, but it seemed some of them were worried. The Doctor had almost ordered her to go to sickbay and have a checkup, only to let her go when there was nothing physical wrong with her.
It's times like these
I wish I were the tin man
The way her family cared was nice, she supposed, but it made it worse. Because it made it harder to hide, harder to pretend when they kept checking she was alright.
You could hurt me all you wanted
I'd never even know
No, she was jealous of the Tin man. He had no heart-therefore he felt no pain. Therefore he was free to do whatever he wanted, without out the chains of love to bind him down.
She didn't notice she was crying, not at first. But her mother and sister did, and they comforted her, though she still hadn't explained to them the problem. Somehow, it seemed they already knew. So as Dorothy continued her journey to Oz, with her friends and their wishes, she was making a wish of her own.
Well...I'd give anything just to be the tin man
And I wouldn't have a heart and I wouldn't need a soul
It was stupid of her, she knew. She should have noticed the way he looked at Seven. She was beautiful after all. But he'd been her best friend. And she'd never told him how she felt. Despite him not knowing about her feelings, she was surprised when her future self told her about Seven and Chakotay.
I couldn't see your leavin' comin'
It took me by surprise
Even now still seems like a dream
She wished it was a dream-even though she was home, back with her family in Indiana, she wished she would wake up, back on Voyager, before Chakotay ever fell in love with Seven, and able to tell him. But the days dragged on, as did the nights, in which she lay awake, staring at the ceiling of her room, sometimes crying, sometimes not, sometimes just thinking. Her heart hurt so much...everyone she loved, she lost. Was it something to do with her? Were those she loved just unlucky? Her first fiancé, Justin Tighe, she'd loved him so much. Sure, they'd had some differences, but she was going to marry him. And then he died, in the same accident that killed her father.
Her second fiancé, a man she'd known for years, since she was a child-Mark Hobbes-Johnson. She'd thought it a second chance, a way to be with someone like her-he wasn't an explorer, but he loved her, and she loved him. They even had a pet dog! It was good, but then she'd been trapped on Voyager.
And when they got the letters from home, she'd read hers from Mark happily. She'd smiled as he described the dog, thepuppies-and then she'd read the main part of the letter. The part that told her that she'd lost him, too. The part that told her that his heart now belonged to another, that he was married to someone else. They'd been fiancés, but they weren't anymore. He'd thought she was dead. She couldn't blame him.
But I know I can't be dreamin'
'Cause as I lay down each night
The pain's so great that it won't let me sleep
And even before Mark sent her that letter, she was attracted to her first officer. He was smart, Handsome, an explorer, he was perfect for her. But she couldn't let her feelings get in the way of her duty, her promise to her crew that she'd get them home. And so she hadn't told him, and when it seemed he might have returned her feelings, she ignored it, bound by protocol to not love him. Or at least, not show it.
Her heart had caused her more pain that anything else. She wished she could give it up to the Tin Man, let someone at least gain some happiness from it, but after all, the movie ended with him learning that he did have emotions, he did have a heart.
All the same, she wished she was him.
At least then she wouldn't know. It's times like these
I wish I were the tin man
You could hurt me all you wanted
I'd never even know
Well..I'd give anything just to be the tin man
And I wouldn't have a heart and I wouldn't need a soul
Well I'd give anything just to be the tin man
And I wouldn't have a heart and I wouldn't miss you so