A/N: Can you guess who I RP'd this one with?
It's a warm, sunny morning in Nerima, Japan, and our usual group of heroes is keeping watch on a rooftop... Accompanied by some new allies.
"So... What are we looking out for?" asked Patch.
"Recently there have been reports of a thief stealing undergarments from the women of this neighborhood," Lionel replied, using his spyglass. "And apparently, someone here is supposed to help us catch them! The thought of someone being vile enough to steal women's underwear makes my blood boil!"
"At least Drell didn't describe that mission to us..." Cherry sweat-dropped. "That probably would've been awkward."
"Maybe that's why he didn't." Mo replied.
Atticus took a look around with his telescopic vision.
"See anything?" asked Lionel.
"Nothing yet..." Atticus said before someone zipped over. "Aha! There he goes now!"
"Then THERE is our bandit," Lionel cracked his knuckles. "So let's go bust his plan AND his head open!"
"Come on then, let's go get that perv!" Atticus replied.
"This is so demeaning..." Cherry muttered before looking to their new helpers. "Uh, come on, guys... Um... Whatever your names are, I don't have time to learn them now."
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!" The blonde girl glared.
"Whoa... Someone's different than how she acts on TV." Cherry commented.
"No time for griping! Your show has been off the air since 2008, live with it. Now let's MOVE IT!" Lionel yelled.
The blonde girl scowled before they soon went off. They soon chased after the underwear thief as he ran off with a big bag behind his back.
The underwear bandit, a short old man named Happosai, was having the time of his elderly life as he hopped from house to house, stealing bras and panties off of clotheslines. "Hoo-hoo! Wotta haul, wotta haul!" he cackled to himself as he leapt into a backyard where a mustached, long-haired man was playing a game of Shogi with a panda bear.
Happosai snuck up a tree, then balanced on the clothesline as he looked around for any undies to snatch... Until he saw seven pairs, hanging nearby.
"The poor dearies, all alone and unprotected," Happosai crooned as his eyes became big. "Allow me to take you somewhere safer, my silky darlings!" But before he could leap to grab them, he found himself being tugged back by a black-haired boy in a red shirt and navy-blue pants.
"Whaddayou think you're doin', you old lech?!" the boy snapped.
Lionel stopped and leapt down into the backyard, the others following behind. "There's our thief... And the one who helped catch him. Ranma Saotome... A pleasure to finally meet you!" he grinned, putting out his hand. "Lionel Schwartz, and these are my friends, Mo, Cherry, Atticus, Patch, Mikey, Mitsuki, Lily, Guano, and Gonard. We've been trying to capture that despicable thief for quite awhile now."
"Huh? Oh, hey there," Ranma replied. "Um, do you know this guy?"
"Hardly." Cherry deadpanned.
"And I thank goodness for that," Lionel added.
"Yeah, this is pretty much the kind of thing Happosai would usually do," Ranma sighed.
Happosai pretended to cup his ear. "Whazzat, fellas? You want some panties, too? I'll split 'em 6 ways with ya!" he smirked.
"Forget it, old-timer; you can't bribe us," Atticus replied firmly.
"Yeah. Not everyone's as perverse as you are," Lionel added. "Even Drell has HIS standards."
"Alright, then I'll make you 5 a deal: how's about some of Akane's panties?" Happosai replied.
"WHAT'RE YOU, NUTS?!" Ranma snapped. "WHY WOULD I WANT THAT TOMBOY'S PANTIES?!"
"I smell something cooking..." Gonard smiled as he began to go the other way like a zombie. "Must... Eat... Food!"
"Who you callin' a TOMBOY?!" snapped an angry voice. It was Akane Tendo, standing in the window with an evil smile on her face. "I'd expect this sort of thing from Happosai, but YOU, Ranma? Not to mention you're corrupting our guests! I can't believe you'd sink so low-YOU'RE AN EVEN BIGGER PERVERT THAN HIM!"
Quickly, Ranma and Happosai raced to get off of the clothesline, but Akane untied the rope, causing them both to fall into the water. When Ranma emerged from the lake, he now had red hair, feminine eyelashes, and a noticeably large chest. Long story short, 'he' was now a 'she'. "What'd you do THAT for?! Akane, can't you just hear me out?!" yelled Female Ranma, or Ranko, before Happosai discreetly placed one of the panties into her hand. "Look here, I was just tryin' to protect your..." then she realized what she was holding.
"Did he just turn into a girl falling in the water?" Cherry asked. "Uh, did I miss something before we were sent here?"
"Apparently, when he and his father went to a place called the Cursed Springs while they were on a training trip in China, and both he and his old man fell into a different spring," Lionel explained. "So now whenever Ranma comes into contact with cold water, he's cursed to become a girl, and whenever his dad gets splashed with cold water, he becomes a panda bear. Only hot water can change them back to their normal forms."
"Well, I think he looks like a pretty girl." Mitsuki smiled bashfully.
"Not as pretty as Lily though." Mikey smirked which made Mitsuki pout slightly.
Lionel sighed. "Mikey, Mikey, Mikey... Wake up and smell the reality. Lily is a self-centered, egotistical jerk. Mitsuki is the better choice in the long run. Trust me on that." he responded.
"Oh, um, thank you, Lionel." Mitsuki blushed.
"Hey, no prob, Mitsuki," Lionel replied. "But seriously though, Lily is a total she-beast."
"She really is better for ya, Red," Cherry agreed. "Lily will probably just rip your heart out of your chest and bite into it like it's an apple so she can watch you suffer. All she wants is other people to suffer. I'd rip her heart out of her chest if I could and show it to her so she can see how blackened it is before she dies."
Akane pulled an Acme-style mallet out of nowhere and lunged at Ranko. "Why, you PERVERT!" she roared as she took a swing at Ranko, who ran off after Happosai, who was making his getaway.
"C'mon, team-he's escaping!" Lionel told the others as Happosai stopped and looked back at the group. "Such lovely girls in that bunch... And I bet their undergarments ain't too bad, either!" the runty old man grinned.
"Oh, you sicko!" Cherry glowered from pure anger from what the old man was interested in.
Akane soon chased Ranko while a quiet game of checkers was going on.
"I oughta send you to the moon." Cherry glared as she grabbed a hold of Happosai.
"Ho-ho, you're a feisty one, aren'cha?" Happosai chuckled gleefully as he rubbed his face in Cherry's bust before sprinting away, leaving her face redder than a tomato.
Upon seeing this, Lionel inhaled through his nostrils, and let out a calm breath. "...I WILL TEAR THE FLESH FROM HIS BONES AND CRUSH HIS SKULL LIKE AN EGG!" he roared, his eyes glowing blood-red with fury. "NOBODY HARASSES MY GIRLFRIEND AND GETS AWAY WITH IT, ESPECIALLY NOT SOME PERVERTED OLD GEEZER!"
Cherry yelped and covered her chest, bashfully.
"You okay, Cherry?" Atticus asked.
"That. Was most unpleasant." Cherry muttered.
"I'm gonna make him PAY!" Lionel boomed, as fire shot from his mouth. "I'll WRING HIS MISERABLE NECK AND WATCH AS THE LIFE FADES FROM HIS BEADY LITTLE EYES!"
"Let's get going then." Patch growled like the dog he was which startled Guano a bit.
Ranko grabbed a roof-tile and flung it at Happosai, which only sent him flying even further.
"He's like a freak of nature..." Ranko remarked as the others caught up.
"No, he's just a freak, period." Lionel replied. Suddenly, they heard the sound of a bicycle bell ringing. Before Ranko could turn around, she found herself squashed under the wheels of the bicycle, being ridden by a purple-haired girl with a Chun-Li haircut.
"Ni-hao, Ranma! Today beautiful! Why not go to date with Shampoo?" the girl asked in broken English. She took a teakettle out of her delivery basket and poured it on Ranko's head, the hot water inside turning her back into Ranma. But, being the fickle person that she is, Akane got the wrong idea and dumped a bucketful of cold water on the duo, turning Shampoo into a cat, and Ranma back into Ranko...and since Ranma has a crippling fear of cats, this caused him/her to freak out and run for her life.
A brown-haired girl stepped out of a restaurant and saw the huge chase going on. "Wonder what mess Ranma-honey's gotten himself into this time..." she commented, as Gonard poked his head outside, still in the middle of eating a bowl of noodles.
"Yo! Big guy! Help us out here!" Cherry told Gonard.
"Sure!" Gonard smiled before shoving a bowl of noodles in her face. "Ramen?"
"YOU ARE NOT HELPFUL!" Cherry snapped before he made her eat it. "Wah!"
"Dammit, Goku," Lionel groused to himself as he grabbed them both and continued running. "But delay or not, THAT OLD FOGY IS GONNA REGRET THE DAY HE MESSED WITH CHERRY BUTLER, SO SAYS I, LIONEL SCHWARTZ!"
Soon, half the town had joined in the great chase, with Lionel thundering ahead right behind Happosai with a murderous look in his eyes.
"He really does care about ya." Atticus told Cherry.
"Yeah, I guess he does." Cherry replied.
Mitsuki pouted as she just wished Mikey would be like that with her.
"Don't worry, Mitsuki," Mo replied. "Something tells me that things between you and Mikey might change for the better."
"And Lily will get her just desserts." Patch added.
Happosai turned around and saw all the characters thundering behind them. "What's this-a marathon?" he asked.
"Just who do you think is the cause of this...YOU FOOL?!" Ranko yelled, kicking him into the air.
Lionel leapfrogged over Ranko, boosting himself into the sky as he clasped his hands together and slammed them down on Happosai, sending him plummeting to the ground with an Earth-shattering CRASH!
Happosai lay in the huge crater, dazed, beaten and bruised as Lionel proceeded to start whaling on him before he grew tired. "I'll take THOSE back." he snapped, snatching back the bagful of underwear.
Happosai whimpered like a child whose ball had been taken. "Aw... No fair..." he sniffled. "Didn't your parents ever teach you to respect your elders?"
"I have no parents," Lionel replied coldly. "And if I did, they'd tell me that a rotten creep like you deserved a beating like that. So next time you pull that kinda BS here or with my girlfriend, I'll make you WISH that I killed you."
Cherry held out her hand to help Lionel back up to his feet.
Lionel clasped her hand as he pulled himself up. "Thanks for that..." he responded as a black cloud of darkness sent everyone flying... And they crashlanded inside the Tendo Training Hall.
Unsurprisingly, Lionel had stopped Cherry from being the first to land and get squashed by putting Lily at the bottom, which resulted in her getting squashed by everyone else.
"Gah!" Lily groaned as that was painful for her.
"About time you all showed up, I was wondering when you'd come along." Drell crossed his arms with a smirk as he was dressed like he was on vacation with a Hawaiian shirt, a pair of shorts, sandals, and a baseball cap on his head.
The others groaned to him once they saw him there.
Lionel grunted as he wedged himself and his friends free from the rubble. "I STILL say he's not as bad as Happosai." he remarked.
Suddenly, the dark cloud dispersed, revealing... An elephant.
"This is no ordinary elephant," explained Cologne, Shampoo's grandmother (anyone sensing a theme here?). "That cloud of darkness was not his body, but his battle aura."
"That's gotta be one tough pachyderm..." remarked Patch.
The elephant spotted Happosai, lodged in the wall, and used its trunk like a vaccuum to pull the little man out, before body-slamming him. The powerful pachyderm ceased its assault before lifting its trunk to the tree, and a red-headed girl in odd clothing stepped down from the tree.
"Good girl, Jasmine; very good," she praised her elephant before turning to face the old man. "I find you now, Happosai! You pay for what you doing to me!" she growled as she threw a scroll at his head, which bounced off and landed in Akane's hands.
"What's this thing?" Akane asked as she took the scroll. "It looks like a scroll."
"It is," Cherry replied before taking it. "Uh... Lady or girl... You dropped something?"
"Is scroll that make holder lucky!" the girl explained. "Has been in family for generations! And because of YOU, Happosai! Give Lychee back her childhood!"
The skies grew dark as lightning danced through the clouds, and a gigantic boat descended from the sky in front of the house. Standing at the front were a small group of people. Their leader was a man with navy-blue hair and robes.
"Who the heck are you, anyway?" Ranma ordered.
"Behold, the master of the Impeccable School of 7 Lucky Gods Martial Arts: his name is...Kyran!" the man responded, holding a pair of chopsticks.
"My prince, he come!" the girl, Lychee beamed.
"At long last, Kyran has found the one foretold... The woman chosen by the 7 lucky gods! Fair one, YOU shall come with us!" Kyran ordered.
Lychee's spirit soared. "At last he come, make Lychee happy forever!" she beamed.
"Who are you?!" Kyran thundered. "I have no business with you, foolish woman. You do not have the scroll!"
Lychee's heart sank.
"What, you mean this scroll?" asked Mitsuki, holding up another end of the scroll with Cherry and Akane.
Lionel's eyes went wide with shock. "Oh, no...!" he gulped.
"Ebiten." Kyran commanded.
"Sir," Ebiten nodded and soon brought out a string to snare the others with the scroll. "I'm sure to make a catch!"
"Back off, Freakazoid!" Cherry glared.
"Reel 'em in!" Ebiten then said, lunging which made the three fly up to a ship.
"AKANE!" Ranma cried out.
"CHERRY!" yelled Lionel, his eyes glowing red once again as he and Ranma leapt up towards the ship.
"MITSUKI!" Mikey cried out.
Ranma tried to throw a punch at Kyran, but he caught it with his chopsticks.
Lionel paled at this. "This guy... Is unreal!" he shuddered.
"To think you could come aboard my ship uninvited..." Kyren smiled. "You shall learn the consequences of your actions. HYOK-CHO, YO-GEKI-KYO!" he waved his hands and a barrage of projectiles knocked both Ranma and Lionel overboard.
"Agh... DAMMIT!" Lionel shouted as he and Ranma both fell towards certain doom.
"Ranma!/Lionel!" Akane and Cherry cried out.
"Whoever helps Lionel gets extra credit." Drell bribed.
"I don't need extra credit!" Atticus replied as he ran to help Lionel anyway since he was important to Cherry.
Ranma fell and landed on top of Ryoga, while Lionel hit the ground with a "THOOM!" He laid there, groaning in pain. "I couldn't save her... I couldn't save her..." he moaned as tears came to his eyes.
Atticus rushed to Lionel. Patch came on top of Lionel and licked his face.
"Stop, boy, he's awake." Atticus told his dog.
"This... Isn't over... Kyran..." Lionel grunted, as pain surged through his entire body. "I... Shall have... My vengeance...!"
"At last, the scrolls of the ultimate technique are whole once more," Kyran remarked, glancing at the girls. "Now the world shall be ours, fair maidens."
"Is he talking about us?" Cherry asked.
"Oh, he must be," Mitsuki frowned. "I don't like the looks of this at all."
"What're you talkin' about? This fight ain't over, not by a long shot, ya jerk!" Ranma glared at Kyran.
Kyran laughed as his ship flew off, into the distance.
Lionel, meanwhile, struggled to his feet. "Damn you... Kyran... Damn you!" he snarled, clenching his fists in rage, oblivious to the pain shooting through his body.
The flying ship soon left, now looking like a hot air balloon.
"Oh, my prince!" Lychee cried out as she rushed by on her elephant. "Help! My prince!"
"She calls him a prince?" Lily muttered as she filed her nails in the background.
"We gotta do something!" Gonard stated. "Mitsuki is up there, and she needs us now more than ever!"
"Gonard is right," Drell replied as he realigned Lionel's bones back into place. "But first, we should get some answers... From Happosai."
"All right, let's go then." Atticus told his teacher.