Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate Atlantis, no matter how many times I wished I did.
Elephant Tails and Beaver Ears
"Well that's just GREAT. All the toilet paper is soaking wet. Sheppard why couldn't you have checked the weather report before we gated. We could have brought a jumper, and then we wouldn't currently be stuck on this planet because of a flood! Now I'm going to get pneumonia, and I'm going to be all flemmy, I don't do sick well. And not only that, but now I can't even use the quote unquote facilities if I needed them!"
"McKay, shut up!" Ronan said, rolling his eyes from his position laying on the ground, as Col. Sheppard just shrugged his shoulders and continued to lounge comfortably against the only tree not sunken 16 feet under grimy water.
"Rodney, it is very difficult to determine the weather on a planet before gating," Teyla chimed in, attempting to be the voice of reason.
"That's it, the moment we get back to Atlantis I'm building a M.A.L.P. for our team's express use. I'll make it water proof and fire proof, with advanced sensors, and that kind of radar that all those radio stations have that allow them to know about upcoming weather." Rodney said, taking out his laptop and beginning to design a new M.A.L.P.
"If you can convince Col. Carter of the necessity of having our own M.A.L.P. have fun Rodney, especially if it will make you shut up." John replied, still laying against the tree.
"Oh please, Col. Carter is practically at my beck and call, she'll okay anything I put across her desk." McKay said, not looking up from his computer.
"Alright, well this is getting boring. You know if we were back on Earth at this very moment we could be celebrating Halloween."
"Oh please, why would we celebrate yet another holiday that's bent on killing me. And don't even get me started on Thanksgiving or Christmas!" Rodney exclaimed, as he quickly put away his computer.
"Rodney, how are Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Halloween all bent on killing you? Could you be any more dramatic." John shockingly said, as he stood up and began stretching his legs, well as much as a person can when they have about 40 square feet of space to move around.
"Come on! Free candy that you have no clue about the origins of. Do you know how many candy companies use citric acid to make those tasty treats that you eat by the bucket! Too many, that's how many. And I learned that all by experience!" Rodney said, staring pointedly at John.
"Rodney, surely these other holidays do not involve questionable treats handed out by strangers as well?" At this Rodney, scoffed.
"Yeah McKay, I don't know how you could think any day where you get free candy is out to get you." Ronan said.
"Okay, while no, they don't involve free candy, they do involve cranberries. Those evil little red berries will be the death of me!"
"Okay, so the months October through December are out, what about Valentine's day, Easter, or St. Patrick's day?"
Rodney, once again, scoffed, "Valentine's day is another day to remind me that I don't have a girl friend. Easter, why would I even… Who even celebrates the death of a fictional character from over 2 thousand years ago anymore? And St. Patrick's day, really? Like I want to deal with drunken stupid people, who think that some guy chasing snakes out of Ireland forever ago gives them reason to drink until they're unconscious! Even when they don't live in Ireland!"
"Okay, I give up, is there any holiday you can stand?" John exclaimed, as he stopped stretching and stared questioningly at Rodney.
"Canada day."
"Canada day? That doesn't count."
"It so counts Sheppard. Like you can honestly tell me that you don't count the Forth of July as a holiday?" Rodney said, staring at John.
"Okay, you may have me on that. But isn't it pretty much like every single other day in Canada? Or do you watch more hockey and drink more Molson's and maple syrup?" John questioned.
"Yes, that's what the 34 million people in Canada all do. We all drink beer, even the five year olds, and watch hockey, even though all the ice is melted! It gets hot in Canada, you over gelled high schooler," said Rodney, as he gave John his most scathing look, the one generally reserved for Kavanagh and Bill Nye.
"Alright, then what would you do?" prompted John.
"Well some years Jeannie and I would go downtown and watch the free fireworks while munching beaver tails. Though this one year we were in Ottawa visiting family, and had the chance to go to Parliament Hill and watch the Ceremonial Guard go through these really neat routines. See they all wear these big huge fuzzy hats. Very comical. Anyway, Canada day seemed to be the only day where my family got along, and Jeannie and I could hangout without worrying about the future or arguing over math proofs so tough you'd be pulling your ridiculously over styled hair out in big chunks," Rodney said, waving his arms around making large sweeping gestures. He had a far off look, and a small smile was just beginning to appear.
John replied, "actually that sounds a lot like the Forth of July with me and Dave. Though without the hats and the beaver tails. We would stuff ourselves full of elephant ears."
"Same thing."
"Really?"
"Yeah, you didn't know that? It's just some dough deep fried and tossed in sugar and cinnamon."
"Hmmm. Wonder if the mess hall would be willing to make us some? Or maybe once we get back to Atlantis we could put in for leave at the end of June," pondered John.
"Sheppard, you can count me in, as long as there's food," Ronan said, as a huge grin appeared.
"Thanks for reminding me that we're stuck off world! As we wait here I'm catching the flu. And it won't even be that gentle flu that allows me to at least play solitaire. No it will be some super Pegasus galaxy bug that's going to knock me out for at least a week. I don't think you realize how far behind that would put me. While I'm amazingly brilliant, there still is only one of me, so of course any time I'm sick or absent, case and point right now, productivity and massively important break throughs are way down and idiotic ideas just seem to jump to the front of the brains of the little toads that work for me. Can't you hear it, it's already in my lungs and throat. You just heard that little catch in my voice right. I'm not imagining it. This is not good!" Rodney ranted, as he began pacing their small section of land nearly bumping into this team mates and the sole tree.
"Rodney, I do not hear anything. You truly are imagining it, you are fine and I am certain Atlantis will be calling us shortly. We were due to check in almost 30 minutes ago," Teyla said, catching the still pacing Rodney and gently sitting him down on the ground next to Ronan.
Just then the gate activated, "speak of the devil," John said, turning on his radio to receive transmissions from the control room.
"Col. Sheppard, this is Atlantis base. You are late on your scheduled check in, please respond and explain your situation."
"Atlantis this is Sheppard, we are currently stationed about 500 feet from the gate on an adjacent hill. On our way back from the nearby village there was a flash flood preventing us from continuing to the gate. We would greatly appreciate it if you could send a jumper pick up. Dr. McKay would also ask that you bring toilet paper, our current stock is all wet."
"Alright, a jumper will be sent momentarily, with all necessary supplies."
"We'll just wait where we are, we'll be easily spotted once they are through."
"The jumper team is launching now, we'll see you when you get back. Atlantis base out."
"See Rodney, we're almost home. And once we're checked and have the okay from Keller how about you and me put in for vacation time on Earth and we'll go celebrate Canada day and the Forth of July.. Teyla you're of course invited, and Chewy you can come too, but only if you promise not to eat all the elephant ears and beaver tails." John said, as he looked to the gate in preparation for the jumper's arrival.
"And you can't drink all the beer." Rodney butted in.
"I thought you said you didn't drink beer in celebration of Canada day."
"No I never said that, I just cleverly mocked you. I never once said we don't drink beer. Just that it was stupid to suggest all Canadians drink copious amounts of beer on Canada day."
"Alright, Chewy no drinking all the beer either. Happy Rodney?"
"Not particularly, no. I'm still probably dying from some crazy Pegasus bug," Rodney said, as the jumper broke the event horizon and began moving towards their location.
"You'll be fine, and we'll have fun. Now stop complaining and get in the jumper already," John said, stepping into the warm, dry jumper.
"Fine, but you have to promise me that Jeannie won't find out we're in Canada for the celebration. If she knew she'd make us visit and then we'd end up with organic crappy beaver tails, and not the deliciously bad for you ones we'd get anywhere else." Rodney said as he entered the jumper.
"As long as you promise not to tell Dave." John responded.
"He'll care?" questioned Rodney.
"No, but it seemed like an appropriate response to your request."
FINIS
Happy Canada Day to all my fellow Canadians, and an early Forth of July to the Americans, and if you're not from Canada or the U.S. happy celebration of the anniversary of your country's beginning, wherever and whenever that may take place.