Cry
Post-Partings. Nothing is lost, and friendship is gained.
Lyrics by James Blunt
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me.
Ihave seen birth. I have seen death.
Lived to see a lovers final breath.
Do you see my guilt?
Should I feel fright?
Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?
I'd dreamt about kissing her even after I'd done so, many times. But she's changed, I've changed. I'm not willing to settle into a perfunctory relationship.
"Lorelai," I pull away as I feel her tongue run across my bottom lip "I love you, you know that." I watch her eyes flit from point to point, never meeting mine.
"So what is the problem then?" She moves toward me again, placing her hands on either cheek. I can't help but give her a sad smile and hold her hands in my own.
"This," I give her a comforting squeeze "this, me, us, it isn't what you want."
I can almost feel the anger surging through her veins, her pain of being rejected twice in one night is more than evident.
"No!" She stands, pointing her finger at me. "I know what I want, damnet. Who the hell do you think you are!"
Now this is where I'd usually be the spitting image of her; red-faced, seething and screaming about like a mad man. But all I see right now is that scared sixteen year old girl in a thirty-nine year old body.
"I'm not Luke." That is the most candid way I can explain this to her. It's the truth and I've accepted it.
"Obviously," she snorts, "If you were Luke, this conversation would not be happening."
She takes a seat next to me, placing her head in her hands. "If you were Luke, we wouldn't be speaking." Her voice is softer now, fragile.
I fight the urge to tell her what a jackass I think he is being, but now is not the time. Besides, I've been ten times the asshole he has ever been.
"He told me that I would have it," she lifts her head and wipes away her tears with here sleeve "It, it, you know?" She has never been one for redundancy. I shake my head.
"A house, mom, dad, kid, a dog. Maybe even a mini-van for soccer practice."
I have to laugh at this, Lorelai showing anything akin to appreciation of sports is truly humorous.
"Soccer?"
She grins a little, albeit sadly.
"Or ballet, whatever our kid would have chosen." She sighs, continuing on, "I've dreamt of being that family that I've always mocked. I wanted to be able to finally play good cop-bad cop."
I stop her, "Lor, I'm sorry I know I wasn't around much for Rory, but that's changing, I.." she reluctantly places a hand on me knee, temporarily stopping me.
"No, Chris, it's not about you."
Somehow this doesn't surprise me.
"It's just, I'm 16 again, the only difference is, I know I can do it alone, I just don't want to. I want my whole package."
I'm not quite sure I'm following her train of thought, "Can't do wha…" Before I can even finish my sentence, it hits me. She continues on, not realizing what she h as just said.
"And I know, If I would have told him as soon as I found out, everything would have happened, we would be married, we'd have the pseudo-package. But I want the real thing, I didn't want him to feel obligated to me. I didn't want him to…" her voice cracks, and it's obvious to both of us that the realization has just set in. "I didn't want the baby to be what mends our relationship. It needs," she stumbles on her words as tears threaten to choke her once again. "It needed to be because of us. And it can't be, it won't be. It will be obvious soon enough." She has lost the battle with her emotions and they overcome her. "God, I mean, if he'd just been home, or hell, been with me in the last few weeks, he'd see."
I am currently losing a war in my mind as well; I want to go straight to Stars Hollow, smack Luke in the back of the head, and lock he and Lorelai up in a roomy box, and ship them to elopement destination of choice. But this is her thing, I'm sure that me getting involved will not help. So I do the nextbest thing, and wrap my arms around her shaking body. Within seconds I feel wetness seeping through my shirt and down my own face.
You and I have lived through so many things.
I'll hold onto your heart.
I wouldn't cry for anything,
But don't go tearing your life apart.
I never thought I'd cry over Lorelai's failed relationship, in fact, I'd imagined I'd do quite the opposite, you know, a few cartwheels, maybe even a party. But she is not Lorelai Gilmore- my teenage sweetheart and undying crush, she is Lorelai- my best friend, mother of my child. And she is broken.
I glance at the clock, and to my surprise, it is nearing 1 am. "Lorelai," I stroke her hair, "you should tell him." I try to be more suggestive than demanding."
"No." She says with a deafening finality.
As a father, I cannot let her do that. I can't imagine the feeling –okay, maybe I can. But that was all self-caused. As a friend, I want to offer my support either way, but Friend!Chris is obliging Dad!Chris on this one.
"You can't do that to him."
She removes herself from my embrace in much the same way she had done earlier.
"Chris," her tone is peeved, "I can't tell him right now, it will kill him."
I vaguely remember her telling me about April's existence, but one thing always stuck.
"Lor—" I don't want to force this on her, but it needs to be done. "You can't be Anna. Not telling him is ultimately going to hurt him more."
"But I can't do this to him right now. He has made it clear and painfully obvious that he only has room for one person in his life at the moment. I can't mess up what he has with April, they are just getting good. They are bonding."
"And he doesn't need to bond with your kid?" My words look like they have finally sunk in.
"I've gone through dozens of ways to tell him in my mind, and it's just not that easy."
I stand up, taking our glasses into the kitchen, this conversation is becoming more repetitive and she is exhausted. I'm sure that is not good for a developing fetus.
When I make my way back to the living room, her tears have subsided and she is staring at her shoes.
"It's not meant to be easy. Either way, he is going to find out, it's just up to you how badly he gets hurt." I turn the lights out, but Lorelai makes no effort to move. Perhaps my words were a tad harsher than I intended.
"C'mon," I tap her arm gently "You need to sleep. All this stress isn't good for the baby."
No less than thirty minutes later, Lorelai is curled into the furthest side of my bed, in what I hope to be is a sound sleep, and I'm not too far off myself. Once I feel my eyelids finally droop shut, I'm quickly pulled from my impending dreamland when Lorelai shoots up, straight as a board and turns to speak to me. I know what is coming, as I grab the trash can beside me. Much to my dismay, my reflexes are not quick enough.
"I'm so sorry Chri.." this time, she reached for the trash can. I rub her back for a few seconds, knowing that there really is no way to soothe her. Once she has calmed, she starts to remove the sheets. "I'll clean the bed for you."
I reach and grab the nearest towel, handing it to her, "No, just relax, clean yourself up."
As I remove the bedding, I realize her clothing had not gone unscathed either.
"There are some shirts over in that drawer." I motion to her, but she is too busy greeting the trash can once again.
As I remove the bedding, it hits me. Being there from the beginning really makes everything more special. I missed out on it the first time, and the second time only made me realize how much I should have been apart of it, even the bouts of morning, well, anytime-sickness. It is not fair for Luke to miss out. It wasn't even his fault the first time.
Before I leave the room, I turn to her and ask "Are you going to tell him tomor-well, today?"
"Now is not the time, Christopher." She squeezes the trash can for dear life. "And no, I'm not."
"If you need me, just yell. I need to get these in the wash before they get ruined."
I know Lorelai will probably batter me verbally, or physically for this, maybe even both, but I'm doing this in good conscience. After a few seconds of searching through her bag, I find her cell phone.
16 voicemails
32 missed calls
12 text messages
I must say, no one can call Luke Danes a quitter, 23 of the calls are from him, 6 from Rory and 3 from the Gilmore's. It's no surprise that all of the text messages are from my daughter.
Sent: 2:17 AM
MOM-
WHERE ARE YOU? I CALLED LUKE.
HE TOLD ME THE BASICS. HE IS
WORRIED SICK. GRANDMA, GRANDPA
AND I ARE AT THE DINER. PLEASE LET
US KNOW IF YOU ARE OKAY.
WE ALL LOVE YOU.
ESPECIALLY LUKE.
I guess she will forgive me for informing everyone that she is not dead.
I hit send on her phone, it barely rings before a frazzled voice picks up on the other end.
"Hello?" I'm almost confused. How can someone answer a phone so quickly at such odd hours?
"No, no. She is okay." I hestitate before saying my name "It's Chris."
I can hear his blood boiling through the phone.
"Listen- she is fine..no, she doesn't know I'm calling. But you need to be here. I can't say why. Just yourself. Please, just do what I say, do it for Lorelai."
After being as vague as possible, I give him my address and directions, but ask him to wait a few hours, as Lorelai and I both need rest before her next emotional battle.
I make my way back to my bedroom after finishing the wash, only to find that Lorelai had not the energy to change her clothes. So I placed the blanket up to her bare shoulders and passed out myself.
"Gigi, how about we watch cartoons?" This is my final attempt at keeping my kid from waking Lorelai. Thankfully, her nanny has come to the rescue just as she becomes restless.
"You can take her to IHOP and then to a movie, that would be very helpful."
After a very exhausting, and early morning, sleep is overwhelming me. I remove my robe and climb back into bed. It seems however, that the gods of sleep are against me. I run to the door, in an attempt to keep who I can only assume is Luke, from waking Lorelai.
"Hey..hi.." He stumbles nervously.
"Where is Lorelai?" Straight to the point, Luke Danes.
"She's sleeping." I shush him and show him to the master bedroom. I can't help but stand in the doorway, to see their interaction.
"Can you get me a glass of wat-" Lorelai turns to realize it is not me beside the bed, but Luke.
"Luke," she whispers, clutching her sheet tighter. I hope he doesn't get the wrong idea. My fears are quickly cast aside as he takes note of the trash can beside her.
"I'd offer you some pancakes and coffee, but I don't carry extras." He added, nervously, not quite sure how to approach her after their fight.
"Why, why did you come here?" She turns to me with the same anger. "You called him, I told you Chris, I don't want to deal with this right now."
"You need to tell him." Luke is caught like a deer in headlights in between our verbal brawl.
"Tell me what?" He demands.
"Lorelai," his voice softens as he takes a seat on the bed. He is expecting the worst, expecting her to tell him she has a month to live and he's ruined their chance.
Her resolve has crumbled as her shoulders slump forward, "I don't have a hangover, Luke."
Panic flashes through his eyes, and he can only ask if she is sick.
But the moment of truth is now, she tells him, "Luke, I'm-I'm pregnant."
He wasn't expecting that one, the look on his face resembles one to being kicked in the groin.
After a few moments of silence, Lorelai speaks up, tears now burning down her cheeks.
"Christopher, I told you, damnet. I told you. It would only make things worse." She stands and gathers the sheet around her, but Luke is still in shock, staring at the place where she had just been.
"Luke, I'm sorry." She comes back from my bathroom, fixing the shirt she'd just put on and gather her stuff from last night. "You shouldn't be here." She pleaded with him "I know things are just getting good with you and April, you don't need to worry, I'm not going to ask you for anything. You don't have to be apart of this."
Luke finally snaps out of his catatonic state, the look of worry and panic was quickly replaced by anger. "I don't need to be apart of this, Lorelai!" He stands, his face very close to hers, "Damnet. I do need to be apart of this. How long has it been?" He backs away as he asks, and she looks down.
"Four months," she doesn't break her gaze with the floor, even as her tears fall.
"Four months? You've known for four months!"
"No, I'm four months pregnant, Luke, I've known for one."
"How could you not tell me!"
"Says them an who hid his twelve year old daughter for two months." She says, finally meeting his gaze.
"That was different, Lorelai, and you know it."
"Really? I don't see how it is. Why aren't you yelling at Anna for keeping your daughter away from you for twelve years? And you know, if you'd been around, you'd see." Her voice softens again, "You would be able to tell, you used to know me so well."
I never thought I'd see another grown man cry, but here, now, on my bed, are two people totally in love with each other, who cannot overcome their own fears and insecurities. It is killing them both and I feel completely helpless.
I can only think to do one thing, "Listen," I interrupt their silent staring match "I'm gonna go for a little bit, stay as long as you both like, just lock the door when you leave, please."
"Chris, no," Lorelai starts "Luke, you should go, I ne-"
"No Lorelai," I interrupt, before either can get a word in "What you two need is to find away to forgive each other. You both want this. I can't do anything for you. I am your friend Lorelai, I'll always be here, you can always cry on my shoulder, but you need each other. The bottom lock just twists."
I turn and walk out. It felt cathartic to finally do that, I can finally move on with my life.
And if you want to talk about it anymore
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder
I'm a friend.