Author's Note: First piece of fiction I've written in awhile, and my first upload in years to in a completely new genre, topic and characters for me. And I suck at story titles. Be gentle :)
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The Caged Wolf Does Not Howl
by Sorflakne
Azumanga Daioh and its characters are the property of Kiyohiko Azuma. But we already knew that.
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Sakaki lay still as she stared at the darkened ceiling. Her breathing was even, her face expressionless and her mind awash in nothingness as multiple thoughts vied for attention. She breathed deep and sighed silently, feeling the light sheet covering her bare skin shift. Glancing to the side, she noted the time on a digital clock sitting on a nightstand.
22:27
Returning her gaze to the ceiling, she allowed her vision to lose focus, and within seconds, the ceiling appeared to move, rippling like a pool of water. An interesting little trick she'd learned from Osaka back in high school. Oh Osaka, Sakaki thought to herself, you always were something different. A faint smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as she reminisced on her old friend. Blinking a few times, her eyes focused again, the illusion of the moving ceiling disappearing.
Looking to her other side, her smile disappeared. Sleeping peacefully next to her was her boyfriend of the last few months, Sato Hayate. He lay on his stomach facing her, his breathing slow and even. The sheet covered only his lower torso and legs, leaving his shoulders exposed. A tattoo his favorite baseball player, someone Sakaki could never recall the name of, was prominently inked into his right shoulder. She could make out faint lines in his skin by moonlight that shined through a window, lines that followed seemingly random paths but were almost identical in their pathing.
A feeling of revulsion suddenly coursed through Sakaki and she shivered. She'd put on a good show tonight. She was getting better with practice, displaying emotion and passion when there was none, and Hayate either never noticed, or he didn't care. Either way, he got what he wanted. She winced as she thought of him straddling her earlier, breathing heavily as he…
Sakaki squeezed her eyes shut and clenched her jaw. No, no, don't think about it, just be glad tonight was fast. Her breathing turned short, and she hyperventilated for a few minutes as she worked to purge her memory of tonight, and the night before, and the nights of the last month or so, when things between her and her boyfriend had…changed. Almost overnight, Hayate had gone from being an amiable, flattering person to a polar opposite. He seldom smiled when he saw her anymore, his compliments toward her had gone from polite and romantic to bawdy and physical-oriented and he never visited her apartment anymore, claiming that he thought he was developing an allergy to cats, and therefore insisted Sakaki visit him exclusively. He was also dropping strong hints that he wanted her to move in, even going so far as to have a copy of his apartment key made for her. Thus far, Sakaki was successful in refusing, citing her need to be closer to campus so her schedule wouldn't be thrown off.
And that's not even a quarter of it, Sakaki thought, eyes still closed. She at least knew the real reason Hayate never visited her place anymore. Maya took an immediate dislike of him almost from day one. At first he simply hid whenever he came over, but soon Maya was doing whatever he could to let Sakaki's boyfriend know he wasn't welcome. He would unlace Hayate's shoes with his teeth and swipe at and bite his toes whenever he walked by or sat down, but the climax came on the night that Hayate decided he was going to get into Maya's bubble. Nonplussed by his advance, Maya had viciously swatted his hand, leaving four deep, gushing cuts as he hissed wildly, bearing his teeth before disappearing into another room before Hayate finished a yelp of pain. That episode required a trip to the nearest clinic to have the wounds cleaned and dressed, the physician curious at how a 'housecat' could have a paw that fit the spread pattern of cuts he was tending.
Sakaki opened her eyes as the memory faded. Careful not to wake her boyfriend, she sat up and hugged her knees to her chest, staring ahead at the opposite wall. Its only adornment, other than a pile of clothes at its base, was a huge poster of some American band. She didn't understand his fascination with them, their music grated on Sakaki's ears in disjointed rhythms and the lyrics were incomprehensible. Yet Hayate claimed they were one of the most popular bands in America. Americans must be incredibly tone-deaf, she had surmised.
Once more, she glanced at her sleeping boyfriend, and then around at his bedroom. He lived spartanly, the bed, a dresser that looked like it was falling apart and the nightstand the only pieces of furniture. For the remaining area, he had a couch, a TV stand and a computer desk. He took his meals at the counter that divided a tiny kitchen area from the rest of the main area. A small bathroom completed the setup.
A true single male's apartment, Sakaki thought, contrasting it to her own place which, though not much larger, had a more…civilized feel to it. She had once found his place charming, almost. A single guy living with few possessions who saw something in the tall, shy woman. When he'd first brought her here, she'd been taken by its simplicity. Over time though, the charm had disappeared as her boyfriend's character revealed its true self, and now she felt a sense of unease whenever she was here. He was like night and day with her, acting one way in public, then another when they were alone. He could be very convincing at times.
It was then that Sakaki felt dampness under her eyes. Touching a cheek, it came away wet, and she realized she was crying. Another tear trickled from her left eye, tracing its way down her cheek and dripping onto her leg.
A wave of emotion suddenly overwhelmed her, and she buried her face in her arms, trying her best to not break down. Now was not the time or place. Even so, the tears flowed freely as Sakaki silently wept, rational thought conflicting with hindsight.
How could I have been so stupid? she yelled internally. How could I have allowed myself to be put in this position even when everything started to fall apart?
You're too damn trusting, her thoughts replied, you thought it was a fluke, that nothing was wrong and everything would fix itself. You weakling; they called you a Lone Wolf once, but now look at yourself, you pathetic pup. You may have a hard exterior, but inside, you're just a wet noodle. A wet noodle to be manipulated by anyone's chopsticks.
Sakaki forced the internal speech to a stop. She knew all too well how hard she could tear herself apart with these self-dialogues. Looking up, she wiped away tears and brought her breathing under control. Resting her chin on her knees, she pondered what had just transpired. She really had allowed herself to be manipulated by Hayate, to be convinced that he still was a great guy, despite the faults that were coming to light, and here she had done and said little to nothing, trying hard to avoid conflict, trying to be happy, wanting everything to be normal.
But it isn't, she thought numbly. He can be a good person when he wants to, but…
Her lower back starting to ache, Sakaki sat upright and collected her bearing. Closing her eyes, she breathed deeply, the stale smell of sex and body fluids assaulting her nose, and exhaled. Opening her eyes, she knew she couldn't stay here tonight. She needed to get out of this place.
Carefully shifting her weight, Sakaki removed the sheet from her naked form and stood up. Behind her, her boyfriend moved and started mumbling. Sakaki froze, listening intently, but within seconds the incoherent speech stopped and Hayate went silent. Relieved, Sakaki started searching for her clothes. Guiding herself by moonlight and touch, she first found her bra and panties and slid them on. A few more seconds of additional searching turned up her jeans, socks and a plain violet blouse. Silently dressing, Sakaki reached for her handbag and noted the time.
23:26
Without a backward glance at her sleeping boyfriend, Sakaki crept out of the bedroom and through the darkened apartment to the front door. Picking up her shoes and retrieving her jacket from a coat hook, she carefully unlocked the door and opened it just wide enough for her to slip through before pulling it shut. Dropping her shoes, she fished around a pocket in her jacket and pulled out the key her boyfriend had given her and locked the door.
Finally feeling safe, she put on her shoes and slid into her jacket, placing the apartment key back in the jacket pocket. It made a clinking sound as it hit her keychain. Even though it'd been a couple weeks, she still hadn't added the key to her ring. It was a small, if insignificant, method of defiance.
Buttoning up her jacket against the chill of the night, Sakaki cut across through a decrepit flower garden to a sidewalk, and began walking toward her Toyota.
xxxxxx
Twenty minutes later, Sakaki unlocked her own apartment door and stepped in. Turning, she shut, locked and chained the door shut before turning again to lean back against it. Letting out a sigh, she allowed herself to sink to the floor, her emotions still running randomly.
A hoarse meowing sound reached her ears, and Sakaki looked over to see Maya come padding into the room to see who had entered. He sat down a couple meters from Sakaki and stared at her, head to one side. He meowed again, an almost questioning tone to it.
Sakaki sighed. "Maya, you were right to be distrustful. I was a fool to ignore you," she said. Maya's tail swished to one side and he lifted a paw and licked at it, seemingly indifferent.
"That probably wasn't the best way to get rid of him," Sakaki halfheartedly scolded, "but at the same time, you at least spoke your mind."
Maya looked up, apparently satisfied, and meandered over to Sakaki, allowing her to pick him up and hold him to her bosom. The Iriomote cat had grown considerably in the first year she'd owned him, and now weighed about eight kilos, but Sakaki barely noticed as she stroked his fur, scratching behind his ears as he purred contently.
Before he could fall asleep, Sakaki gently put him down. "Bet you're hungry, aren't you?" she said.
Maya looked up expectantly.
"Ok, let's get you some food," Sakaki said as she stood and kicked her shoes off. Not bothering to put them on the shoe stand, she followed Maya into the kitchen and retrieved a bag of cat food from a cupboard and Maya's food bowl from its corner and filled it. Replacing it, she took the waterbowl sitting next to it, refilled it and set it down next to Maya, who was already eating, content to ignore Sakaki for now.
Happy to see Maya taken care of, Sakaki removed her jacket and tossed it over the back of her couch as she headed for the bathroom. Once inside, she shucked her clothes off and left them in a pile in a corner. Reaching into her bathtub/shower combo, she turned on the water and lifted the latch that started the shower before fiddling with the faucet handles. Finding a suitable temperature, she eased herself into the stream of hot water and closed the curtain.
For several minutes, she stood there, allowing the water to flow down her body as she slowly turned around, letting it soak through her thick, jet black hair before turning around again. Suddenly not satisfied, she turned the cold water handle down, raising the water temperature. Still not content, she closed it further. By now the water was so hot, it burned on Sakaki's skin, turning it red, and steam began to rise. But she didn't care. She allowed it to hit her full force, the burning sensation purging her skin and helping forget what…his…touch felt like.
'His', Sakaki thought. I can't refer to him by name even in my thoughts now.
She grabbed the washcloth she'd used that morning from the bar it hung on and a bottle of body soap. Dousing the cloth with the sweet-smelling liquid, she vigorously scrubbed herself from head to toe, covering every area she could reach several times, making sure to leave nothing untouched. Once satisfied, she rinsed herself off and opened the cold water handle, the blast of hot water finally getting to be too much. The steam inside the shower was thick now, and Sakaki felt like she was floating. Dreamy, almost. Her senses dulled by the steam, she stood there, swaying lightly from side to side and occasionally rotating around so she could get her back and hair, her thoughts finally on other subjects. There was the exam next week she hadn't started studying for, but more importantly, within a few months, she would begin working in one of the nearby veterinary clinics as part of her coursework. The thought of getting to spend her days surrounded by animals and mending their ills brought a smile to her face.
I just hope I'm ready, she thought, her smile fading somewhat.
After several more minutes, Sakaki turned the water off and reached around the curtain for a towel hanging on a rack. Drying herself off, she finished by wrapping her mass of hair as best she could in a turban-wrap before stepping onto the floor. She grabbed a white bathrobe with a NecoConeco image printed on the left breast and put it on. After tying the belt, Sakaki picked up a hand towel and wiped the fog off of the sink mirror. She dropped the towel on the sink counter and stared into the mirror. Her reflection stood there; a tall, voluptuous yet limber woman with an indifferent expression and a posture that at one time may have been called stately.
But Sakaki noticed something was amiss. She seemed smaller than she used to be, not that she'd lost any weight (nor had she been trying), but somehow, something was different. She leaned in close and stared at herself. Her expressionless bluish-gray eyes stared back. She studied herself for a minute, but leaned back without reaching a conclusion.
Sighing, she reached for her toothbrush. Finishing a couple minutes later, she undid the towel holding her hair up and let it all down. It was still wet, but a few minutes with a fresh towel and a hairdryer removed most of the dampness.
Leaving the bathroom and stepping into her bedroom, Sakaki allowed herself to fall onto her bed without bothering to turn on a light, fatigue finally catching up with her. Her head and shoulders landed on a small mound of various plushies and stuffed animals, and Sakaki allowed herself to sink into the soft, furry mass of objects from her childhood. Reaching up and taking the first one she found, she hugged the stuffed animal to her chest and stared at the ceiling. She felt the tears starting to well up again, but she took a few deep breaths and blinked quickly, willing them away this time.
Her thoughts going in no particular direction, Sakaki continued to gaze up at the ceiling.
xxxxxx
A light pawing on her chest brought Sakaki out of unconsciousness. Wishing it to be a figment of her imagination, she kept her eyes closed and shifted, trying to fall back into the bliss of the dream world. The pawing came again, and this time she cracked an eye open and looked for the source.
She soon found Maya standing next to her, one paw raised as he looked at her, head to one side. Seeing his owner awake, he meowed in question.
Sakaki didn't say anything. Instead, she reached over and brought Maya close, so he was resting right under her chin. Maya, pleased with the attention, reached out with his nose and nuzzled Sakaki's jaw before settling in a relaxed position.
Sakaki ran her hand through his mottled fur and Maya soon fell asleep, purring loudly. Mercifully, her mind was a blank, her subconscious was quiet and Maya's purring helped Sakaki to stay relaxed as she came fully awake.
She looked down at herself, noting she had fallen asleep still wearing her bathrobe. Her toes were ice cold, and she brought her feet up, trying to bury them in the kitten-patterned bedspread, but her mother had taught her well in the art of making a bed. A little too well, it seemed.
Sighing, Sakaki gently disengaged herself from Maya and sat up as he cracked an eye open, watching her movements. She looked around her small room. It was barely large enough to hold her bed and the dresser she'd taken from home, but the lack of space was made up with in several shelves on a couple of the walls. A few books sat here and there, and a picture of her high school friends sat where she could easily see it from bed, but most of the shelf space was dedicated to the rest of her plushie and stuffed animal collection. That which she was able to fit; the rest were still at her parent's house, though she had given a few to Chiyo as going away presents before the child prodigy left to study in America.
I wonder how she's doing. I haven't written her in awhile, Sakaki thought as she turned to rearrange the plushie pile on her bed. She made a note to sit down sometime this week and draft a letter for her friend.
Having finished with the plushies, she stood up and untied the now tight knot on her bathrobe, allowing it to slip off as she reached for her dresser. She took a fresh set of undergarments and slid them on, and also put on a thick pair of socks for her cold toes. Reaching in another drawer, she pulled out a pair of tan khakis and from another, a crimson red blouse. Dressing, she looked at a small mirror on the wall above the dresser. Satisfied with her look, she turned to call for Maya and noted the time.
14:38
Blinking in surprise, Sakaki paused. Did I really sleep away most of the day? Shaking her head, she called to Maya, who woke up and bounded after her and into the kitchen as Sakaki replenished his food. Seeing as it was already afternoon, Sakaki opted for a sandwich and an orange, taking her food to the couch and eating in silence. As she peeled the orange, Maya appeared at her feet, staring up at her. Sakaki obliged him and flicked an orange peel from her palm, giggling as Maya leaped after it, swatting it around the small living room as he displayed his reflexive prowess.
"You silly kitty, I really do spoil you sometimes," Sakaki said with a smile.
Her pleasure was interrupted by the phone ringing. Sakaki glanced at it as it rang again. Deciding the machine could get it this time, she remained seated, staring at the phone. A few rings later, the answering machine clicked to life.
"Sakaki residence. My apologies for not being home. Please leave a short message and I'll call you back as soon as I'm able."
Silence for a few seconds. Sakaki froze when the caller began to speak.
"Hey, babe. Where'd you disappear to?" It was Hayate. "Woke up this morning and you weren't there to give me a wake-up kiss. Anyway, just wondering where you're at and if you've thought anymore about accepting my offer. We really could find a bigger place with both of us paying. Just think about it." Silence. "Look, I know we've been a little distant over the last couple weeks, but we can make this work if we're both committed. Let's talk about it later." And with that, a click signified the call ended.
Sakaki stared at the answering machine, the New Message light blinking. She sat ramrod straight, and began hyperventilating. I've heard that before, he's said the exact same thing last time, Sakaki thought, the blinking light now the center of her focus.
So? What are you going to do? her subconscious responded. Pick up the phone and say 'Yes' to his offer? Maybe go over to his place and talk there? Oh yeah, and you two can 'make up' while you're at it. Just like last time.
Shut up! Sakaki screamed inside. Her hand clenched into a fist, crushing the remaining piece of orange. Juice seeped between her fingers and dripped onto the carpet.
Well well, perhaps the pup has a bark after all, the voice taunted. But a bark is the least of what you need.
I don't need you.
Oh? Telling yourself you don't need you? Sounds like a psychological problem, to be talking to yourself, especially like that…
Enough! Sakaki jumped to her feet and lunged for the phone. She jabbed her finger on the Delete All button and the blinking light, and Hayate's message, disappeared. Feeling lightheaded from the hyperventilating and sudden movement, she drifted back to the couch and flopped down on it. Realizing she was holding a crushed piece of orange mostly drained of juices, she quickly dropped it on her plate and grabbed a napkin to dry her hand.
Suddenly I miss Chiyo's Father, she thought.
Looking up, she saw Maya standing in the middle of the room, the orange peel forgotten. He stared at her with a look that from a human would be genuine concern.
Sitting up, Sakaki stared back. "Maya, I need some fresh air."
xxxxxx
It was a sunny, beautiful warm day outside. Sakaki took a brisk walk through her neighborhood, Maya clutched in her arms, but felt little better after returning to her place. Thinking for a moment, she grabbed her jacket and apologized to Maya for leaving him at home this time, and went to her Toyota. Retrieving her keys, she tossed her jacket in the front passenger seat and started the engine. Nosing onto the busy main street a few minutes later, Sakaki followed the flow of traffic until she came to the freeway. Driving up an onramp, she headed in a direction she hadn't driven in some time.
Home.
For forty-five minutes she drove, aimlessly following the traffic as J-Pop songs played on the radio. Passing through a few wards, Sakaki finally reached home, or its general area, anyway. Exiting the freeway, she drove down familiar streets, taking in the sights as they elicited forgotten memories of her childhood. There was her primary school, where she had come to learn just how different she was, often mistaken for being a few years older than she was due to her height. She passed by a pet store she had spent many hours in, yearning to bring home a cat, if only her mother was not allergic to them. Then she drove by the park her friends and her had discovered late their senior year; even though they'd only went there a few times, the memories were some of the happiest of Sakaki's fading childhood.
Lost in her thoughts, Sakaki suddenly looked around, recognizing another familiar street. Smiling at another memory, she found a parking spot and got out of her vehicle, draping her jacket over her arm before locking the car doors.
Seconds later, she was strolling down the sidewalk, taking in sights she hadn't seen in a long time. The street looked much the same as it had when she was younger. To her left was a familiar Korean Barbeque restaurant. I wonder if Yukari and Nyamo still frequent that place. Sakaki absently thought as she remembered her favorite teachers from high school. Picking up her pace, Sakaki smiled when she recognized another sight. The arcade is still here, she marveled, taking in the sounds of dozens of video games streaming from its entrance. It hasn't changed a bit.
Walking inside, Sakaki looked around, and quickly made her way to a claw-machine game. The thousands of Yen I poured into this machine, Sakaki thought, lightly running a finger over the joystick and staring at the little stuffed animals inside. A pink NecoConeco gazed out at her. What's a few more? she thought with a grin as she reached into a pocket.
"Ah, I was wondering when you'd arrive," a rich voice said.
"Huh?" Sakaki gasped. I know that voice. Looking for the source, she was only slightly surprised to see none other than Chiyo's Father. He stood on just the other side of the claw-machine's glass, almost as small as the stuffed animals within.
"I had heard you missed me, and so I came back to Japan to say Hello. So…Hello," Chiyo's Father said, waving at her.
Sakaki slowly waved back. "Chiyo…is she alright?"
"She is doing quite well," the yellow, oddly shaped cat replied, "though she misses you very much. Perhaps you should write her a letter? It would greatly warm both your hearts."
"I was planning to—" Sakaki began.
Chiyos' Father's color suddenly went from orange to a swirling mass of red, blue and green. "What? You planned to write a letter, and you have tarried?" he asked menacingly.
Nervous, Sakaki gulped and leaned back a few centimeters. "I…I mean, I…well, I need to think of what to say…"
"You need not lie to me, young Sakaki," Chiyo's Father said, his color and voice returning to normal. "You are feeling blue, as those silly Americans say."
"Blue?"
"But of course. Sad, depressed, or whatever other words Americans have for it," Chiyo's Father said with a dismissive wave. He briefly flashed to purple before returning to his original color. "Perhaps if only you had listened to Maya, you would not have found yourself in this little predicament."
"Maya is rather perceptive," Sakaki whispered in agreement, lowering her eyes to one side so she wouldn't have to look at Chiyo's Father.
"Indeed. Though I do still question whether he is a real cat or not. But in any case, I must be going now." Nonchalantly, he reached over and grabbed the pink NecoConeco and lobbed it over his head, dropping it into the chute where successful catches fell. "You need not worry about your feelings. They are only chemicals and your perception of what you call real, after all."
"I…" Sakaki mumbled.
Chiyo's Father waved her silent and began drifting upward until he hovered at eye-level with her. "No more. You shall find what it is you seek soon enough. Farewell," he finished with a wave.
As if hypnotized, Sakaki waved back. Her hand flashed once between her eyes and Chiyo's Father, and in that barest of moments, he vanished, leaving her to stare at her faint reflection in the glass. Over her right shoulder, a digital wall clock was visible behind her.
17:14
"Sakaki, is that you?" a female's voice said.
Turning, Sakaki saw a tanned young woman with slightly unkempt short brown hair and brown, penetrating eyes. She was dressed casually in jeans and a light green tank top. Sakaki breathed in sharply, recognizing the woman instantly.
"Oh my god, it is you!" she exclaimed, running forward and wrapping Sakaki in a bear hug.
"Kagura," Sakaki said, a faint smile on her face as she returned the embrace. To her surprise, Kagura lifted her off the ground and twirled her around.
"Is that anyway to greet an old friend? With just a hug? It's been almost a year!" Kagura teased, setting Sakaki down. She looked Sakaki over. "Damn, but you're looking good. How does a girl like you, who never works out, keep a figure like that?"
Sakaki blushed pink. "I uh…I eat right?"
Kagura just laughed. "If you don't want to tell me, that's okay. Though one of these days I will find a sport I can beat you in. I've gotten a lot of practice in over the last couple years, just so you know. University sports aren't for the weak or faint of heart, and I'm the best at what I do," she boasted, striking a pose that showed off her toned physique.
Despite herself, Sakaki smiled. She's still the same Kagura. "Perhaps," she replied.
"Oh I will, you watch," Kagura said, her smile never wavering. Taking a different track, she wrapped an arm around Sakaki's shoulders and spoke again. "I was just about to get myself some Korean Barbeque and I decided to stop by my old stomping grounds from when I was younger, before I got into swimming and running that is, when I happened to see you. How about it, Sakaki? Care to join me?"
"Uh…" Sakaki hesitated. "I don't want to impose."
"'Impose?' Impose nothing! It's dinner between two old friends, and you could never impose on me," Kagura replied. "Now come on, Korean food and sake are waiting." She began guiding Sakaki toward the exit.
"Well, okay," Sakaki finally agreed. Suddenly remembering something, she stopped. "Wait a second," she said to a confused Kagura.
Turning, she reached into the claw-machine's retrieval box. Her hand closed on a soft, furry object. Eyes widening, Sakaki withdrew a pink NecoConeco. She stared at it for several seconds, unmoving.
"Nice, you beat the claw," Kagura piped up, seeing what Sakaki held. "You always were a softie for the cute stuff."
"But I…didn't…" Sakaki whispered, mostly to herself.
Kagura shrugged. "Tough luck to whoever left it there."
Sakaki said nothing.
xxxxxx
Some time later, the two women were seated at a table, sipping sake as they waited for their food. They talked at length of old friends. Though semi-regular contact was kept with letters, e-mail and the occasional phone call, the entire group hadn't been together in over a year. Tomo was progressing quickly toward a criminal justice degree (she'd said she figured it would help her chances once she joined a police academy), and Yomi was studying her way through a degree in physics, planning to eventually work in the experimental field.
"And here I still can barely do basic math," Kagura commented. Sakaki remained silent, deciding to not tell her friend that physics was a science, not math, discipline.
Of Osaka neither had heard much from in some time, though Kagura regaled in retelling a couple of tales from Osaka's adventures during her philosophy classes. It seemed that the spacey girl had finally found her true calling, and even though they both laughed, each was glad Osaka was finding her path in life.
Their food arrived while they were taking a break from the gossip, and each ordered another round of sake. Kagura had ordered sogalbi, and as soon as the plate was down, she dug in ravenously with her chopsticks. Sakaki, patiently waiting until her dak galbi was placed before her, calmly began picking up morsels, chewing slowly and savoring the taste.
The two ate in silence for a few minutes until Kagura slowed down, content that she was far enough ahead of her friend. Their waiter returned with their sake and took their empty glasses. Sakaki took a sip from hers. She never does give up, she thought as she watched Kagura chew.
Sakaki glanced around the restaurant as she chewed, taking in the traditional décor that masked the modern building. Hangul script adorned the walls, random words and sayings that seemed to clash, yet somehow fit in with the atmosphere. Fake bamboo plants were placed between tables along the walls, and dark colored timber support posts added to the illusion. Hidden speakers played a soft Korean instrumental piece.
"Whatcha looking at?" Kagura's voice interrupted.
Looking at her friend, Sakaki replied, "Nothing, lost in thought, I guess."
"Ah. Nothing new," Kagura said with a wink. "Got a guy on your mind?"
Sakaki almost choked on the morsel she was swallowing.
"Ahh, really now?" Kagura said, leaning her elbows on the table, her full attention directed at her friend. "So what's his name?"
Sakaki froze. Should I tell her? She's been my friend for years, maybe she could help or offer advice. But…what if… She pondered her options.
Sensing something wrong, Kagura's smile disappeared. "Did…was it something I said?" she asked, genuinely concerned.
Sakaki looked down at her plate, her appetite suddenly gone. Pushing it away, she laid down her chopsticks and dabbed her lips with a napkin. Kagura looked on, now worried that she had upset her friend somehow. When Sakaki looked up, Kagura was shocked to see her friend's eyes were moist.
Sakaki? On the verge of tears? "I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by—" Kagura began, reaching a hand toward her friend.
"No," Sakaki interrupted. "I'm…glad you asked, actually." She blinked back the tears.
Kagura abruptly pounded a fist into her palm, a dark look in her eyes. "Were you hurt? I'll rip the bastard apart if I have to."
"No, not like that." Sakaki shook her head. "But…yes..." She paused. "I just…want to escape."
Kagura's demeanor changed as realization dawned on her. "You're in your first serious relationship, aren't you?" she asked. Her friend nodded. "And you want to end it, but don't know how."
Sakaki nodded again. Before she knew it, she was spilling out every last detail of her relationship. How it all began, the transition from being 'good friends' to 'boyfriend and girlfriend,' the fun times, the gradual decline that had sharply accelerated over the past few weeks, and finally, the previous night and this morning, where she had finally started to realize and come to grips with the truth. "I just don't know anymore," she finished. A few rogue tears rolled down her cheeks.
Kagura listened in silence, still stunned that something really did exist that could hurt her friend like this. When Sakaki finished, Kagura couldn't take it anymore.
"What the hell? This isn't you. The Sakaki I know would never stand for something like that. Not you, not the Lone Wolf," Kagura declared. She hadn't called Sakaki by her pet name in a long time.
"But I'm not a Lone Wolf!" Sakaki replied a little louder than she intended. A couple of nearby patrons turned their heads in curiosity, but quickly averted their glances when they saw Kagura's expression.
"But you're one of the strongest, toughest people I know. I know that for a fact. Your friends know that as truth."
"And what if it wasn't? What if I said it was only a shell over a pathetic wisp of a person? That it was all fake?"
Kagura crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes. "Then I'd call you a liar," she simply stated.
Sakaki looked at her friend, her mouth hanging open, unsure what to say. This wasn't the response she'd expected. Before she could reply, Kagura continued.
"Haven't you listened to a word you've said? You even said it yourself: You've been manipulated. Manipulated into staying with this Sato Hayate bastard because he's playing on your emotions and unwillingness to stand up for yourself. You know something's wrong, I mean, hell, what was all that you just told me? But you can't bring yourself to fully accept it; you want to, but you're just avoiding a direct conflict in breaking up with him because you don't like confrontation, and you're scared!" Kagura gasped for air and held up a hand to silence Sakaki. "You're scared of what he might do," she continued in a gentler, yet firm, tone. "Not because you're afraid to hurt or disappoint him, but what he'd do to you if you leave him. That's why you're not allowing yourself a way out. You're staying because you think it's safer that way, and it's wrong. It's no fault of your own…"
As Kagura talked, Sakaki glanced down at her lap. She picked up one of her chopsticks and, holding it like a pen, pretended to write kanji on the tabletop, her focus slowly fading as Kagura's words started to stream together. The rest of her surroundings disappeared, and left Sakaki sitting there, tracing her invisible script.
She's right. Sakaki thought. Her hand continued tracing on its own accord as her mind wandered. Manipulated…was I really sapped of what made me, me? Have all I've really done is just bury myself in this shell, just to please him and myself when in truth I only pleased him?
And the light of reason shines in the darkness, her subconscious replied.
Sakaki's hand jerked and her tracing stopped. Go away, she thought.
I can no more go away than can you, came the response. You can, however, grow some teeth and unshackle yourself.
And how am I supposed to do that? Tell me! Sakaki demanded. But there was no response.
Sakaki? Somewhere in the distance, a voice called her name.
"Sakaki?" the voice said again. Warm hands took hold of Sakaki's writing hand, and she looked up, coming back to reality as she noticed the sights and sounds of the restaurant around her seemingly for the first time. Kagura sat there, cradling Sakaki's writing hand in her own, a worried expression on her face.
"Sorry," Sakaki whispered. She took the chopstick in her other hand and set it down
Kagura, having finished speaking her piece, said nothing. They sat there for a few moments, Kagura staring at her friend and Sakaki lowering her gaze back to the table, absently studying the tanned, slightly calloused hands that held hers. She looked up and saw a clock on the far wall.
19:41
Sakaki finally returned Kagura's gaze, and they stared at each other for a few seconds.
"Will you be alright?" Kagura asked, letting go of her friend's hand.
Sakaki nodded. "It hurt to hear all of that, especially from a close friend, but…thank you," she said with genuine sincerity, looking her friend in the eye.
"Hey." Kagura smiled, her eyes going moist. "That's tough love for you. You needed to hear what needed to be said. You're my friend, Sakaki. I wouldn't have said all of that if I didn't care about you. And I do," she said with conviction. "Just remember, I've got your back no matter what. You do what you know is right."
"I know," Sakaki replied. A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. "And I will. Thank you for everything."
"Anytime," Kagura said. She took her glass and drained the rest of her sake, setting it down with an audible thud. "What do you say to one more round before we part ways?" she asked, her eyes glowing with their usual mischievous confidence, enhanced by three glasses of sake.
Sakaki glanced at her own half-full glass, her second of the evening. Then again, who knows when I'll next see Kagura. And after that talk we just had-
"Sure."
xxxxxx
Sakaki stepped outside as she buttoned up her jacket. A faint breeze stirred the cool night air. Before her, people filed past, no one giving the unusually tall woman a second glance. She stared ahead as she watched them stroll by, talking and laughing with their companions
"Hey," Kagura announced her presence as she stepped abreast of Sakaki, hands buried in her pockets.
"Hey. Aren't you cold?" Sakaki asked, gesturing at her friend's bare arms as they began to walk.
Kagura shook her head and shrugged. "The cold's good for you, toughens you up. Besides, if I do get chilly, I have you to keep me warm," she said, wrapping an arm around Sakaki's waist.
Sakaki said nothing and Kagura let go of her after a few seconds. They walked in silence for a several minutes, weaving through the throngs of people.
The crowd had thinned to a few stragglers by the time they came to an intersection. Kagura stopped and motioned. "I'm parked about a block that way," she said, pointing at a location opposite of the direction of Sakaki's vehicle. She sighed and looked at the ground, hooking her thumbs in her pants pockets. "I guess this is goodbye for now." She looked up at her friend. "I know you've always been the quiet one, but it wouldn't kill you to call more often," she pretended to pout, lightly punching Sakaki's arm.
"I will," Sakaki answered. She noticed that, for the moment, they had the intersection to themselves. Reaching into her jacket pocket, she took the pink NecoConeco she won/found earlier and handed it to Kagura. Seeing her friend's confused expression, Sakaki just smiled.
"For me?" Kagura looked at the connected stuffed animals for a few seconds and hugged them to her chest. "Thank you."
"Mm," Sakaki nodded once.
Kagura's look turned serious. "Listen, you need anything, you come fine me. I won't stand by and leave a friend hanging." Stepping forward, she slipped her arms around Sakaki and hugged her. Sakaki returned the embrace, one hand on the side of her friend's head as she held her close, her fingers sunk into Kagura's short hair, allowing her other hand to stroke her friend's muscular back. They stood that way for several seconds before letting go of each other.
Kagura took a step back and again hooked a thumb in a pocket, her other hand holding the NecoConeco to her chest. There seemed to be a faint hint of…something, in her eyes that Sakaki couldn't quite place.
"See you around," Kagura said. She turned and started walking toward where she had parked her vehicle.
"Goodbye," Sakaki said, unsure if Kagura heard it or not. A group of people walked into her field of vision, causing her to lose sight of her friend momentarily. When they passed, Kagura was already a few dozen meters away. Sakaki watched her for a few more seconds, then turned and sauntered down the sidewalk. She passed by other people, but they may as well have not existed. The three glasses of sake now coursing through her blood gave her a feeling of gliding rather than walking. She raised an eyebrow as she imagined herself floating down the street, and then dismissed the thought.
Reaching her car, she unlocked the doors and slipped inside. Starting the engine, she turned into the empty street and headed back to the freeway. The darkened neighborhood drifted by on either side, broken by the occasional street light. Her vision was fuzzy at the edges, but not enough to disorient her. She turned onto another road, taking the corner a little too wide. Fortunately, no cars were nearby.
Her thoughts drifted back to Kagura. "I'm lucky to have her for a friend," she mused. "Still…I wish I could figure her out. Sometimes…oh I don't know. There's too much else to sort through and make sense of.
As she passed by the park, Sakaki suddenly turned into an adjacent parking lot. Stopping the car, she glanced at her Toyota's clock.
20:36
She sat there for several seconds, staring blankly at the digital numbers before making a decision.
Turning off and exiting the car, Sakaki wandered off of the pavement and into the grass. Above her, a gibbous moon hung in a clear night sky. Some stars were visible, despite the light pollution from the surrounding city, but it was enough to illuminate the park as a faint, surreal landscape. Low hills dotted the area, and she soon crested the nearest one. Stopping, she slowly looked over the open area. Running paths traced their way through the dips in the land, punctuated by benches randomly spaced along them, and a few trees here and there served to break up the darkened landscape. Around the park's borders, more trees grew. Behind them, buildings rose, and the distant horizon was broken up by Tokyo's brightly lit skyline.
Off to her left a short distance away was a large pond, its surface shimmering under the moonlight and reflected lights from the distant skyscrapers. Without really thinking about it, she soon found herself walking toward it, hands buried in her jacket pockets. Her feet made a low swishing sound as she strode through the grass, broken momentarily as she walked over a path before descending a gradual slope that took her to within a few meters of the pond's shore. A lone bench sat a couple paces away, but Sakaki took a few steps closer to the water.
As she gazed out over the pond, some of Kagura's words came back to mind.
'…you're one of the strongest, toughest people I know…your friends know that as truth…' '…manipulated…' '…do what you know is right…'
Sakaki ran the conversation through her head again, picking out and focusing on one line. Do what I know is right…
Sakaki's hand closed on a loose object in her pocket. Withdrawing her hand, she opened her fingers and stared at the key to Hayate's apartment. The warm metal quickly turned cool in the night air, and then cold. Holding it up against the lights of Tokyo's skyscrapers, she studied its silhouette, rotating it between her fingers.
He wants me to move in with him, to be with him, even after everything that's happened between us. Sahkaki shook her head and frowned. Kagura was right, the Sakaki she knew would never allow herself to fall for something like that. She raised an eyebrow. Though she nearly did. Sakaki could and would fight; even she knew when it was time to tie her hair back and grit her teeth. A few moments later, she smiled.
I get it now. I have to do what's right for me. Screw the bastard.
She drew her arm back. Without hesitation, she took a few running steps forward and swung her arm in an overhead arc as hard as she could, sending the key flying into the night. Several seconds later, a faint splashing sound reached Sakaki's ears.
It was one of the most beautiful sounds she'd ever heard.
And you are free.
Almost…Sakaki thought.
Breathing deeply, the cool night air making her nose tingle, Sakaki reached behind her head and bunched her hair together with both hands, holding it in place as she stared at Tokyo's skyline. She let it go as she turned and started walking back to her car. She stood tall and walked with confident, unfaltering steps. She felt better than she had in a long time.
From somewhere in the distance, an animal's howl drifted through the air.