***A few words from Aquira: Hello everyone! If you're on this page, I'm assuming you want the ending to my story, What She Doesn't Know! This is that ending, so if you're here with no knowledge of that, you may want to check out that story too! This ending will be in two chapters, mainly because it was getting really long and I thought it would be easier to read in two installments. Expect the next chapter sometime next week!
Tonks sighed and closed the journal, setting it on the bed next to her. After Molly had left, she had tried to comfort herself by reading, but she couldn't shake her miserable mood. She wanted Remus, the man she married, not the child he had been in this book. As enjoyable as it was to read about his life so long ago, she wasn't getting the answers she had been expecting. Not quickly, anyway, and she was growing impatient.
Glaring at the book, Tonks rolled onto her side, her hand on her stomach. Dimly she wondered when she would be able to feel the baby move and imagined that first kick, imagined running excitedly to Remus to make him feel, too. Her bad mood worsened when she reasoned that moment would probably never happen now. Remus had left her, without really explaining why, and she was all alone with this child.
The answers had to be in the journal. She was sure of it. He had been so concise while writing that she was beginning to understand how his thoughts had developed and changed to create the man he was today. The problem was the journal was long, written in what must have been an enchanted book that never ran out of pages, and reading just the beginning wouldn't be very definitive. She was only getting a vague image of her husband's childhood, and real information wouldn't come until later.
The rational part of her brain told her that reading only the end would be confusing. It would be difficult to understand motivations or keep up with new events without the whole story, and she couldn't decide what to do. Reading straight through was taking too long, and skipping to the end wasn't an option. She needed the middle information, and she reasoned that if she just skimmed it, gathered enough bits and pieces to get the gist of what was happening, maybe she could hurry towards the end. Maybe she could find her answers.
Carefully, she grabbed the journal and opened to her bookmark. She glanced through the next entry quickly, but stopped partway through, startled to see her own name on the page. The date of the entry, she realized, was only a week after her birthday, and in the entry Sirius told his friends that Andromeda's child had been born. The boys, including Remus, had laughed at the name choice, and Tonks scowled. All the times Remus had told her he loved her name, and he had laughed at it the first time he heard it. She supposed she couldn't judge too harshly, though. After she had gotten to know Remus better, she had jokingly asked him if he had a twin named Romulus. They both really did have ridiculous names.
She decided that their child, boy, girl, or what have you, would have a perfectly normal name, like Steven or Jessica.
She sighed, letting the jests about her name pass. It wasn't as if she would make any substantial appearance in this journal anyway, so why get upset about teenage boys making jokes? She turned to the next entry.
A few letters on old stationary fell out, and she knew they had to be letters from Allison in France. Tonks, not bothering to read them, tucked them back between the pages and kept skimming, getting through the rather uneventful summer in a matter of minutes. The entries got a bit more interesting again when third year started, and Allison introduced everyone to her new neighbor, a boy named Derek Harrison that Remus didn't seem to like at all. Further on, it became apparent that Remus' jealousy was justified, as Allison expressed feelings for this new boy and started dating him.
She moved on from Remus, Tonks thought. That must be the end of it. He got burned.
Quite content with that bit of information, she flipped through the pages speedily, only reading a word or two here and there, pausing to read an entire paragraph if the words she read caught her attention, and then moving on. Before she knew it, she was at the end of 1973, reading the entry about the less-than-eventful dance with Gretchen Gardner she had heard about, and the words, "I think I'm in love with you," stopped her cold. Confused, she read the sentences surrounding it and became more confused.
She turned back a page and started from the beginning.
(Sunday December 16, 1974) – Six Days After
Last night, walking with Peter down to the entrance hall to meet our dates was awkward. He kept fidgeting with his dress robes and giving me nervous glances, and it was almost enough to make me uneasy about the evening. I'm sure he would have rather walked with James or even Sirius down to the dance, as their natural exuberance seems to overshadow even the strongest case of nerves, but they had their own plans with their own dates. Also, Miranda had only agreed to go with Peter if the two of them could tag along with Gretchen and me, so neither of us had much of a choice in the matter.
"Are you nervous?" Peter wondered, straightening his collar for the fifth time.
"No," I replied, and it was true. If anything, I was apathetic. Allie was probably meeting Derek at that very moment. I, on the other hand, was going to stand quietly next to the girl I have been tutoring in Charms in the hopes of appearing otherwise engaged for the evening. I would probably dance with Gretchen to distract myself from staring at Allie, and I would probably spend half the evening staring anyway. It wasn't anything to be nervous about.
"Well I'm nervous," he said. "I know Miranda is only going with me because Gretchen asked her to. She's not going to have a good time."
Instantly I felt a bit guilty. I hadn't considered that Peter's evening was so dependent on my own, and I had been determined to have an awful time. "You'll be fine," I said. "Miranda is a nice girl. We'll have a good time together."
He smiled a little, but I don't know if he was actually reassured. We kept walking. At the top of the main staircase I could see the girls waiting for us. Gretchen was wearing a new pair of glasses and a very pretty periwinkle dress, and Miranda had curled her hair. There were several other couples mingling and I forced myself not to look for Allie as we descended the stairs.
"You two look nice," Gretchen said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.
"As do you," I returned politely.
Peter handed Miranda the flower he had picked for her, and the slightly sour look Miranda had been wearing softened a little. She complimented his hair and took his arm, walking into the Great Hall with him. I offered my arm to Gretchen and we followed.
Inside, the music was already loud. Peter took Miranda to the dance floor and Gretchen found a table for us to sit at. I saw James with Piper over in a corner and Sirius dancing wildly with Shelby, and I even spied Derek over by the punch bowl. I glanced away before I could see him with Allie.
I caught Gretchen staring at me and I faked a smile. "Do you want to dance?" she asked.
I nodded and let her lead me away from the table. It was strange, dancing, but focusing on my own lack of coordination prevented me from looking around the room. Gretchen was actually a very good dancer and she laughed a bit at my missteps before showing me some less embarrassing movements. We spotted Peter and Miranda chatting a little ways away, and they seemed to be laughing with each other. Peter gave me a thumbs-up.
About an hour into the evening, I finally saw Allie. I had tried to avoid seeing her with or without Derek, but she managed to find me while I was in line for punch and Gretchen was in the lavatory. Allie looked positively stunning with her hair braided back and the slightest bit of color on her lips. The necklace I'd given her as a gift in first year stood out wonderfully against the smooth yellow dress she was wearing, and I couldn't help smiling as she approached. "You look wonderful," I breathed.
"Thank you," she said, smiling back. "You're not so bad yourself."
I cleared my throat, feeling uncomfortable. "So where's Derek?" I wondered.
"I needed something to drink," she said, "so I left him talking to his friends. It was loud over there anyway, so a break is perfect. What about Gretchen? Where is she?"
"Bathroom," I said.
There was something akin to disappointment on her face. Maybe Allie had been hoping I had a moment to chat and was upset to learn my date would be returning shortly. I frowned at her. "Do you want to dance?" I asked, holding out my hand.
Neither of us had gotten our drinks, but she nodded and took my offered hand. I wove my fingers through hers as we stepped onto the dance floor, and as the next song started, I assumed the starting position of the waltz. As fate would have it, it was a slow song, and Allie reddened. She pushed away my ridiculous stance and put her free hand on my shoulder, keeping our laced fingers together. I had to remind myself to breathe.
I rested my other hand on her waist and pulled her closer. Dancing wasn't awkward with Allie, at least not in the same way it had been with Gretchen, and I actually enjoyed dancing with her. Holding her in my arms, feeling her breath on my neck, and not having to think about my feet as we swayed to the music was one of the most serene moments of my life. When she leaned in and placed her head on my shoulder, I didn't hesitate to rest my cheek against her hair.
"This is nice," she mumbled.
I murmured a sound of consent, though it was an incredible understatement. Being with her in any way at all was wonderful, and the added atmosphere of the dance canceled out any of the awkwardness that might have been between us. The tightness in my chest that accompanied her presence lately was magnificently absent. Content, immune to rational thought, I cradled her close to my chest. "I think I'm in love with you."
I didn't remember deciding to say those words, but I had heard my own voice, and it was like the music was crashing down around me. Allie stepped back from me, her hands dropping to her sides, her face unreadable. Slowly she understood what I had said, and I couldn't move. I couldn't even say anything in my own defense. Her brow furrowed and a hand went up to cover her mouth, tears brimming in her eyes. "Please tell me you didn't just say that," she said.
I couldn't respond. All I could do was make this helpless sort of gasping sound as the entire world drifted further and further away from me.
Allie looked up at the lights above us, her eyelids fluttering in a vain attempt to keep from crying. "Why would you do this to me now?" I could hear exasperation in her voice. The song we had started our dance with was still playing.
Somehow I managed to speak. "I don't know why I said that."
For a moment, her mouth opened and closed without sound, and she glanced around us, probably noticing the other couples starting to stare. Allie gently touched my wrist and looked into my eyes. She asked, sadly, "Why didn't you say it sooner?"
Before I could reply, Allie had wiped her eyes and walked quickly away from me, heading straight for where I'm sure Derek was across the room. I stood alone on the dance floor until the song died, ignoring the stares all around me. Then, almost automatically, I strode over to the punchbowl to get myself a drink. If not for the hollow, gnawing pit in my stomach I might have been able to pretend the moment hadn't happened.
Gretchen found me at our table just a few minutes later. She started babbling to me about how well Peter and Miranda seemed to be getting on, but I barely heard a word. When she realized I wasn't paying attention, she blushed and cleared her throat. "Are you okay, Remus?" she asked.
I shook my head. "I'm not feeling well," I told her, not sure if that counted as lying.
"What's the matter?"
She seemed so concerned, and I felt so horrible. I didn't know if it would be better or worse to tell her the truth. Gretchen was far too kind for even going with me to this stupid dance, and I had treated her appallingly. But admitting that I had only asked her along to make sure I didn't end up doing what I'd just done might have been tactless.
"I just made an arse of myself," I said, deciding that if I couldn't be a gentleman for our date, I could at least let her be my friend.
"With Allie?" Gretchen guessed, and she was kind enough to hold back her laugh when I balked in surprise. "You thought I didn't know about her? After working on Charms with you all year, hearing you talk about her during every single study session… Let's just say I didn't think this was actually a date."
"And you're okay with that?" I wondered.
Gretchen sighed. "Remus, you're a little too bookish for me," she said. I caught the wink she gave me behind her glasses. "You're a good friend, though, and I've had fun tonight. That's all I expected."
I tried to smile at her. "Yeah, well, I doubt I'll be much fun for the rest of the evening."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Gretchen asked.
I didn't, though I knew talking about it would probably relieve the aching in my chest. I almost nodded, but the thought of explaining how very distressed Allie had looked before she walked away from me… I couldn't do it. "I think I want to go back to my dorm," I said.
"I'll walk you," she said, remarkably understanding.
With music still blaring, the two of us stood, said goodbye to Peter and Miranda, and left the Great Hall. We walked up the stairs together, not talking beyond the minimum commentary about how the dance had been. When we finally reached the portrait hole, Gretchen flashed me a reassuring smile. "Things will get better, Remus." With that, she kissed my cheek and wandered back the way we came. I wondered if she would go back to the dance by herself.
I took myself upstairs to the dorm and collapsed into my bed. Still in my dress robes, I drew the curtain and closed my eyes, trying to sleep despite my brain's attempt to revisit the moment on the dance floor with Allie. My brain kept winning and sleep didn't come, and I was still wide awake when my dorm mates returned several hours later.
I heard James laughing with Peter, and Wesley was regaling Owen with a loud tale of his evening's escapades. Daniel was politely telling everyone to keep their voices down since he assumed I was asleep, though nobody listened. Sirius' voice came last, distantly, from beyond the door. He was still downstairs and, from his tone and the female voice shouting along with his, was arguing with Shelby. It was almost easier to sleep with the other guys in the room. Their excited chatter went on long into the night, distracting me from my own thoughts until I was tired enough to pass out.
In the morning, I was the first one awake, an unusual occurrence. Everyone else was still sleeping off their apparently fantastic evenings, and I didn't bother waking any of them as I got ready for the day. They would eat later, and I wandered down to the Great Hall by myself, where I found deserted tables full of breakfast. I was far from the only student who had turned in early from the dance, but it was clear a majority of the populace had been up late the night before, drinking and eating and dancing and probably making fools of themselves in entirely socially acceptable ways. I avoided the other two Gryffindors at my table when I sat down.
About halfway through my plate of food, a pair of hands covered my eyes. "Guess who?" a familiar voice called in singsong.
"Gretchen?" I guessed.
The hands fell away. "No, it's Allie," she said, sounding disheartened. "Why, were you expecting Gretchen?"
I shook my head, gesturing for her to sit. "I didn't think it would be you. Not after…" My voice trailed off, failing to finish the sentence. I didn't think I could say anything else, either.
Allie gave a small smile. She looked nervous, and that didn't bode well. "That's kind of what I wanted to talk about, actually," she said. "I'm sorry I ran off like that last night. I just… it didn't seem like the best place to talk. Derek was there and—"
"It's fine," I said automatically. "I shouldn't have said anything to begin with."
She was quiet for a moment, her blue eyes staring into mine with a strange mixture of apprehension and determination. "I'm glad you said it," she told me. "I wish you said it like six months ago, but I'm glad you said it. It means I wasn't deluding myself."
"Allie…" I began, hesitantly.
She must have realized I didn't really have anything to add to that sentence because she put up a hand, silencing me. "No, I have something to say," she said. The usual calm in her voice was gone, replaced with a shaky uncertainty I wasn't used to. "If you're only telling me this now because I'm with Derek and it's some sort of wanting what you can't have thing, then we have a whole different set of problems. But… was I wrong? About us?"
I didn't quite understand the question, but I didn't think she quite understood what she was trying to ask. I answered as best I could. "I've liked you since first year."
"Then why didn't you say anything?" she wondered.
I was impressed with her ability to hold eye contact when this conversation was making me want to hide under a rock for the rest of my life. "Because, Allie…" I started. There had been so many reasons, and at least half of them didn't matter anymore. The major ones, though, the lycanthropy and general unworthiness I felt couldn't be expressed properly. I focused on the obvious ones. "We were eleven. How many lasting relationships do you know of that started at eleven? I want to keep you in my life for a long time, and the idea of throwing away friendship for an impulse was ridiculous."
She frowned. "That makes sense," she mumbled.
It was quiet for a moment and I sighed, still not sure if I was ready for the direction this conversation had turned. "The question now is what about you?" I said. "What do you feel?"
The corners of her mouth perked up a little. "I've had a crush on you since that first day in Herbology," she said, flushing. "You were interesting before that, too, like on the train when you made faces with me about Rachel, and that expression you'd get during class."
I almost laughed and gave her an impertinent smile instead. "You're upset with me for not saying anything?" I argued. "I didn't even know until Kate started bothering me. You knew way before I did."
"How was I supposed to tell you?" she wanted to know. "I was never sure if you felt the same way. You're so reserved about everything and all that hand holding and long conversations could have meant nothing more to you. If I said something and you didn't feel the same way, it would have been so awkward. You would have avoided me like you did with Kate."
She wasn't wrong. Kate had completely fallen off my radar since that mess in first year, and I planned on keeping it that way. Kate hadn't been my friend, though, and I wondered how I would have reacted if she had been. Would I have avoided her so readily, or would I have tried to make the friendship work?
I didn't know the answer. "What now?" I asked.
Allie shook her head. "Nothing," she said. Her voice caught a little. "Derek hasn't done anything wrong and he's… I'm really starting to like him. I'm not going to break up with him just because you finally spoke up."
There wasn't a single thing I could say in response to that. I had known that would be her reaction and was completely taken off-guard by it at the same time. I turned my attention back to my now cold plate of food and poked wordlessly at my potatoes with my fork. I wasn't hungry anymore.
I could see her fingers flex, as if she wanted to reach out and touch me but was holding herself back. She folded her hands on her lap. "I really hope this won't change anything between us," Allie said.
"Allie this changes everything," I said.
"It doesn't have to, though!" she said. She did reach out, then, and placed her hand over my wrist. "Think about it, Remus. Both of us have dealt with unrequited feelings for basically the entire friendship. If we can't stay friends now just because the other person knows, then we didn't have any right being friends in the first place."
I put down my fork. Without really knowing why, I adjusted my hand to weave our fingers together and turned slightly, so I could look at her directly. "The feelings aren't unrequited, though," I pointed out.
She stared back at me, licking her lips. Her voice came out breathy. "I know, but…"
When she didn't continue, I ran my rough fingers over her soft, delicate ones for a moment before letting go and picking up my fork again. I tried to force some cold potatoes into my mouth and had trouble swallowing.
She must have taken my silence as a desire to give up. She motioned to leave, but thought better of it and stayed seated. Allie made me look at her one last time. "Do you really want us to stop being friends over this?" she asked, almost angrily.
"No," I replied automatically. I sighed. "You can't pretend it'll be the same, though."
Allie bit her lip, but the shakiness had gone from her voice. She was determined again, and I couldn't help smiling at that. "It'll be a little weird at first," she said, "but I think it will work. Maybe there will be a little less hand holding and a little more awkward eye contact, but we'll be fine. I know it."
"Okay," I said. "We'll be fine."
"Besides, you never know when things aren't going to work out," she added, giving me a curious sideways glance. "I'm not breaking up with Derek today, or even tomorrow, but nobody knows how things will end up in the future."
I got her meaning then and shook my head. "Allie, I'm not going to wait around for you two to break up like a patient dog," I said, though it wasn't as if I had many prospects lined up behind her. I probably would wait.
"I'm not asking you to," she replied quickly. She began to butter some toast, evidently deciding to join me for breakfast now that we had discussed and gotten past our elephant. "I'm just saying it's not never going to be an option. If we stay as close as we are and there's better timing in the future, then maybe we could… I'm not saying 'no' is all I'm saying."
I smiled again. Grabbing more sausage, I said, "Did you enjoy the dance last night?"
"Oh I had a splendid evening," she replied, affecting a high society tone. She grinned at me, appreciating my attempt at normalcy. "Erin really should throw balls more often. I danced with several handsome suitors. Oh, and I danced with you." She paused and we both laughed at the pretend scowl on my face. "Did you have a good time?"
"I did, all things considered," I said. "I'm glad I didn't ruin your night."
"You could never ruin my night," Allie replied.
Then she tried to steal a piece of my sausage, and pushed her hand away, and it felt like everything had actually managed to go back to normal. Talking it through had worked. In spite of everything, we really were going to be fine.
Tonks had to laugh, though bitterly, at her premature conclusion from before. Of course the relationship hadn't ended when Derek came around. Remus and Allison cared about each other far too much for that to happen. Now their feelings were out in the open and it was only a matter of time. Or history, considering whatever happened next for the couple happened more than twenty years ago.
Turing more pages with shaky hands, she found that the inevitable happened just over a month into their fourth year, during a study session, it seemed. This entry she also read in its entirety, wanting to catch at least some of the important details.
(Saturday October 5, 1974) – Four Days After
Today, James held Quidditch tryouts. He and Sirius got up bright and early so they could go down before everyone else, and I'm almost positive Sirius only wanted to go because Rachel would be down at the pitch watching Eric. He certainly wasn't going down to try out for himself and how could he pass up the opportunity to flirt with her in the stands? Somehow, I managed to talk my way out of joining them.
Instead, I took the time to catch up with my homework. Derek was doing something with his friends today, so Allie was actually free to work with me for a change. We went up to the dorm room because the common room was noisy, and we found Peter trying to finish his star charts. "Oh, hey guys," he greeted. "Have you worked on your star charts yet?"
"Yeah," Allie said, sparing me a quick look. She paused for a moment before speaking again, as if making up her mind about something. "If you're having trouble, you can look at mine if you want."
Peter nodded, though he looked startled. "That would be amazing."
So Allie reached into her bag and handed him her finished assignment. "Just promise to give it back before class," she said. Her tone seemed almost dismissive, and I was confused. As long as I had known her, she had never offered to let anyone copy her homework, but I decided to hold off on my questioning.
"Thanks," Peter said, taking the paper. He must've caught on to her tone as well because he gave us both a questioning look. "I guess I'll leave you two alone." Before either of us could say anything else, he scurried out of the room to copy the star chart elsewhere.
Once Peter was gone, I looked at her. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you wanted him to leave," I said as we made ourselves comfortable on my bed.
She shrugged and scooted closer to me. "Maybe you don't know any better, because I did want him to leave," she said with a smile. "You and I haven't had a chance to really talk for a while, and I wanted some alone time with you. I mean, we can talk with Pete in the room, but…"
"Yeah, I know what you mean," I said. Allie was usually with Derek lately so we hadn't had time to ourselves except during our classes, and that wasn't really time alone. I swallowed, realizing our knees were very close to touching.
"Good, because I've really missed you," she said, pulling out her books. "I know it's my fault because I've been with Derek. I'm really sorry. I haven't made much time for you, but you forgive me, right?"
I mumbled a sound of agreement, having lost my ability to actually form words. I hadn't realized how very much I enjoyed her proximity, and how very much I had missed it. Now she was sitting close enough for me to smell her blackberry shampoo. I loved that smell, and for a moment I entertained the ridiculous idea that she still used that shampoo because I like it. Then the smell ceased to be distracting, as her knee pressed right against my thigh. I completely lost track of what class' homework we were supposed to be working on.
"What pages were we supposed to read?" she asked. She was obviously more focused on working than I was. "I thought it started on page four-hundred and seven, but there are only questions on that page."
"Uh…" I turned to page 407, so that it would at least seem like I was paying attention to our work. There was a list of questions about transmogrifying rats. I guess that meant we were working on Transfiguration. "Did McGonagall actually say we were supposed to read anything?" I asked hoarsely. My throat was dry. "Maybe we just have to answer these questions." I cleared my throat and focused on the pages of my book, so I wouldn't stare at her.
She shifted her leg, moving so her knee was no longer against mine. Her mouth pursed to the side in thought, and she started flipping through her notes to find the assignment. "Maybe she did say something about answering questions…"
I reached for one of my old spell books, wishing she hadn't moved her leg. She had been so close to me… I blinked, attempting to refocus my scattered thoughts, and actually looked at the book in my hands. I vaguely recalled a section in that book on rodent transmogrification. I stuck my nose in the book, reasoning that if I couldn't see her, I wouldn't be able to think about her.
It was quiet for a moment while she skimmed her notes, and I searched through the index of my book. Suddenly, I noticed Allie screw up her face, and she sneezed.
I couldn't help but stop and smile. In my opinion, the sound of her sneeze is adorable. It's tiny, and almost sounds like she's really saying 'achoo.' "Bless you," I said, looking up. It was the first time making eye contact with her since we started working.
"Thanks." She gave me a small smile. As I had feared, I couldn't look away.
Our eyes remained locked for a moment before her cheeks flushed and she quickly looked back down at her notes. She started rifling through the papers, almost as if to distract herself. I, on the other hand, continued to stare. Allie looked lovely, even with a red nose and watery eyes left over from her sneeze. I wanted to take her hand and say something—anything—but I couldn't.
Glancing at me out of the corner of her eye, she noticed that I was still staring. "What?" she wondered, toying nervously with her quill.
I willed myself to speak, so she would stop looking so worried. No sensible words came to mind, so I said the first nonsensical thing that I could think of. "I don't think you should be with Derek," I blurted.
It was a bold enough comment that her eyes snapped up to mine, her gaze intent in silent warning. "I thought we talked about this," she said.
"I know we did, but…" My voice was starting to tighten. This was a bad idea. Why had I brought it up? I didn't say any more.
"But what?"
Licking my quickly drying lips, I shifted my attention back to the books on our laps. "It's nothing," I tried. My voice was still remarkably constricted. I was surprised she could understand me at all. "Forget I said anything."
Allie ducked her head a little, trying and failing to meet my eyes. "No, what were you going to say?"
I continued to stare at the books. "My feelings haven't changed," I said. "I know you said 'someday' or whatever, but what if you and Derek never break up?"
"Then you'll have to deal with that," she said. She didn't sound harsh or angry, and that was terrible. She sounded sad and sorry, and that was so much worse than angry. "You know I really like Derek."
I didn't reply. With a slight nod, I picked up my book again and started to read through the questions. "I think the answers to these are in one of our old books," I said quietly. Changing the subject was the best option at that point. "It must be a review assignment."
"Remus," she tried, but she didn't say anything else.
I blinked at her. "Oh, did you want to keep having that conversation? Because I didn't."
"Remus," she tried again, a little more insistently this time. "I don't want you to give me some sort of ultimatum. You're my best friend, but I like Derek, too. He told me he liked me when you wouldn't. I won't break up with him if he hasn't done anything wrong."
I sighed, supposing we needed to have this conversation eventually. "I'm not giving you an ultimatum, Allie," I argued. "If you want to be with Derek, I can live with that. But it's really hard for me when you tell me 'someday' like it's actually possible. It's not fair. I don't want to be your backup plan. Stay with him if you want, but don't give me sympathetic hope. If all we're ever going to be is friends, tell me."
Her mouth quivered. "I don't want to say that. I can't say that."
"Why not?" I asked.
A sound almost like an exasperated sob escaped her lips. "Because as much as I like Derek, my feelings haven't changed either. But I can't just call it off for—"
Instinctively, I leaned forward, putting my hand on her cheek, silencing her. "Then be with me," I mumbled, not entirely aware of what I was saying. My thumb brushed against her lower lip. It was remarkable she hadn't pulled away. My breathing was becoming harder to control, and she kept staring at me.
"What are we doing, Remus?" she whispered, still not looking away.
"I don't know." I didn't realize how close I was getting, but I wanted to be closer. Before I knew it, my mouth was mere inches from hers.
I hesitated. What was I doing? I had never kissed anyone before, and I didn't know what was compelling me to do it then at such an inopportune time. What if she didn't want me to kiss her? What if I didn't do it right? What if Derek found out? But a second was all the time I needed to make up my mind. I didn't care that she was dating Derek. I didn't care that I didn't know how to kiss. I wanted my first kiss to be with her, even if she did have a boyfriend. Without another thought, I pressed my lips to hers.
Allie gave a tiny gasp, but she responded. To me, the kiss lasted hours, but it was really only a few seconds before she came to her senses and pulled away. "Remus!" she breathed, very startled. I had a vague fear that she was going to slap me. "You just kissed me!"
"You kissed me back," I hastily pointed out. I couldn't look away from her as I tried to keep my breathing under control.
Allie froze. "I… I did," she said, giving me a confused look. "I kissed you. I have a boyfriend, and I kissed you. Oh, Derek is going to kill me!"
"Well," I started, trying to regret what I had done. I didn't have much success because all I could really think about was kissing her again. "Derek doesn't have to know. We don't have to tell Derek anything. He won't know about that kiss or… or… or any other kiss."
"'Any other kiss'?" she repeated. "We've only kissed once."
I nodded, swallowing hard. Something overcame me, and I knew what I wanted. "I know that," I said. "But I think I'd like to do it again."
I didn't want to change my mind. Before either of us could say anything else, I pulled her close and kissed her deeply. I had thought kissing would be hard, but it seemed so natural with Allie. It felt like I knew exactly how to move my lips, exactly when to open my mouth, exactly where to touch her. It was only a matter of time before we had knocked the books off the bed and she was on top of me, kissing me back just as eagerly. It felt right, and I knew we could never go back to being 'just friends.' I didn't want to ever go back to being 'just friends.'
After a long while, I heard a slight creak. I assumed it was the bed. Or maybe I wanted to tell myself it was the bed so that I didn't have to stop kissing her. But, a second later, someone cleared his throat, and I knew the creak had been that someone opening the door.
I quickly pulled away from Allie and we glanced at the door. Sirius was leaning against the entryway with his arms folded across his chest, looking very superior. He raised an eyebrow to me. I wanted to disappear.
Allie gave me a flushed smile before jumping off my bed and rushing towards the door. I thought I heard her mutter "Shut up, Sirius" as she passed him on her way out.
Obnoxiously, Sirius stepped after her. "Goodbye Allison!" he shouted down the stairs. "I am so glad Remus could show you such a nice time!" Once he was sure everyone in the common room knew she had been up in the dorm with me, he turned back around, smiling wickedly. "Moony, Moony, Moony. I cannot believe what I just saw."
"Shove off, Sirius," I swore. One of our homework books had miraculously managed to remain on the bed, so I shut it forcefully, hoping something would show me mercy and kill me before Sirius could say anything else to embarrass me.
He strolled further into the room. "I am curious," he taunted. "How is it that a girl—a girl with a boyfriend, no doubt—could be found up here, snogging you? I thought you were better than that, Remus."
I sighed and held on to the book moodily, glaring at him. "We were doing homework," I attempted to explain, even though I knew he wouldn't really listen. "But then we started talking and—and then I mentioned Derek and we… Well, you know what happened. You saw."
"I did see," he laughed. "It was very steamy. Now, Remus, you have to tell me. How long has this… affair been going on? It doesn't seem like you."
"It's not like I planned it. It was the first time it happened and—"
"Aww, Remus! Your first kiss!" he exclaimed, holding his hands over his heart in the most annoying manner he could manage. "That is terribly sweet!"
"And you're terribly annoying," I shot back angrily. "So, kindly shut it, unless whatever you interrupted us for is important. If it's stupid, I'm going to be very upset with you."
For a moment, he debated whether he wanted to say anything else. Deciding it was best to not answer the question, he pretended whatever he had been intending to say had slipped his mind. "So, how was it?" he asked instead. I glared at him, not believing he would even ask me that. "Was it moist? When I kissed her, it was moist."
My stomach lurched angrily. "Shove off!" I shouted, and I threw a pillow at his face. "I will not hesitate to kill you, Sirius Black."
He shut up for all of two minutes before bombarding me with a million more questions, each more inappropriate than the last. I knew nothing I said would get him to stop, so I didn't say anything. He would tire himself out eventually so I ignored him and tried to finish the homework Allie and I had started.
Of course, when James and Peter came back up to the dorm, Sirius gave a dramatic retelling of my humiliation. James laughed hysterically, and Peter just gave me a sorry sort of smile. He had tried to give Allie and me our privacy, so I didn't have to be angry with him. I didn't have to be angry with any of them, really. They were happy for me and were merely expressing their joy the only way they know how: mockingly. And now all I have to say is that the constant tormenting and lewd comments I will have to endure for the next few weeks will definitely be worth it.
Tonks hadn't understood everything mentioned in the journal entry, but getting this middle information was starting to pay off. It was satisfying, reading about how all the little moments took place. It would make the big moment when she eventually found it at the end all the more meaningful.
Reading further, Tonks found that it had taken Allison nearly four months to properly end things with Derek. After that happened, however, Remus and Allison were quite happy. Remus wrote slightly less often, probably choosing to spend his evenings with his new girlfriend rather than an old journal. They seemed inseparable and, if she was honest, almost a little boring. Not bored, not with each other, but boring for everyone else who had to witness them together. Tonks wasn't sure if this upset her because she thought that Remus deserved better than 'boring,' or if she was upset because she never had any sort of easiness in her own relationship with Remus. Possibly it was both.
Only a few other entries caught her attention after that. Some of them were fun stories about the Marauders and their antics, and others were the entries where Remus and Allison weren't ridiculously in love with each other. She felt guilty enjoying reading about their fights, small and infrequent as they were, but it made her realize that maybe Allison had been real after all, that this other woman really did have a massive impact on her husband's life. It made her realize she didn't know Remus as well as she thought. It was an upsetting truth, one that did little to quell Tonks' anxieties when she saw how much they really did love each other.
One entry in particular, she had to stop and read all the way through. It wasn't about Allison, but it was about something she had wanted to know, one of her many questions she never really got an answer to from Remus. It was a recounting of The Prank, the one that Snape couldn't seem to shut up about when the traitor had been a part of the Order meetings. Once she realized what she was reading based on the few words she glimpsed, Tonks hurriedly shuffled the pages back.
(Thursday April 15, 1976) – One Day After
When I woke up this morning, my head felt murky. Blood was painfully pulsing in my ears, and I could barely remember that I was in the Hospital Wing. My head hadn't hurt that much since the beginning of the year, since before my friends had joined me on the full moons, and I wasn't expecting to ever experience the pain again. I quickly squeezed my eyes shut again and pressed on my temples, trying futilely to subdue the headache. Something must have happened the night before. Something bad. I wished I could remember, but everything was a blur. I groaned loudly and fell back to my bed, hoping the nurse would come over to check on me. Maybe she knew what had happened.
"He looks terrible." I heard someone mumble and I tried to open my eyes. No one ever visited me so early, and no one had been in the Hospital Wing when Madam Pomfrey brought me in earlier. There shouldn't have been anyone around.
"Well, how do you think you would look?" another voice snapped, sounding furious.
I could place who the speakers were, then, and I forced my eyes open. James and Sirius were each sitting on a chair beside my bed, and I couldn't help noticing the terrible expressions on their faces. "What are you guys doing here?" I wanted to know, trying to sit upright. That was a mistake, so I fell back onto my pillow. "Aren't you supposed to be in class?" I managed to squint at them, noticing Peter wasn't sitting there too. If they were visiting me, and Peter wasn't there, and my head was throbbing like something terrible had happened… I bolted upright again, looking wildly around at the other hospital beds. "Where's Peter?"
"Pete's in class. He's fine," James assured, understanding my fear. His had been the angry voice, and his eyes were dark. "We thought someone should stay in class and take notes." I could tell he wanted to say more, but he shot a look out of the corner of his eye to Sirius, obviously indicating that Sirius was the one who needed to speak.
There was a long pause. Sirius just stared back at James, pleading, not wanting to be the one to talk. James didn't falter, and Sirius grimaced. "Dumbledore thought it would be best if James and I explained what happened last night," he admitted. "It's part of our punishment." His voice was hoarse and he wouldn't look me in the eye. He kept glancing longingly towards the door, as if he wanted to be anywhere besides the Hospital Wing.
James shook his head. "Padfoot, you did this, not me," he said, still angrily. He was speaking through a tightly clenched jaw and his words came out measured. "I'm only here because I had to save your bleeding arse. Tell. Remus. What. You. Did."
I looked between the two of them, confused. "You guys didn't come last night, did you?" I realized, wishing my head would stop hurting.
"There were… extenuating circumstances," James resigned, looking at me. As angry as he was, there was a hint of empathy in his tone and his eyes softened. He pushed up his glasses. "We're lucky we weren't expelled. Other people are lucky to be alive." He gave another meaningful look to Sirius, who was staring at his feet.
"What happened?" I demanded.
Sirius choked, and only then did I realize he was crying. Tears were streaking down his cheeks and his eyes were swollen and red. His mouth was in a thin line and I had never seen him looking so miserable. "I am so sorry, Remus," he moaned. James looked the other way; to give Sirius privacy or because he was annoyed, I wasn't sure. "I didn't think anything would happen. It's just, when Snape said… I wasn't thinking about how it would affect you. It wasn't supposed to—I really didn't mean—" Sirius couldn't come up with the right words. He kept starting sentences he couldn't, or didn't want to finish. "Snape knows," he finally decided to say.
I felt the color draining from my already sallow skin. "Knows what?" I questioned, hoping beyond hope it wasn't what I thought it was. "Not—not that I'm…" I couldn't bring myself to say what I feared, but Sirius understood. He nodded mournfully and finally looked up at me.
"He saw you," Sirius said, hiccupping. "Last night. He saw you in the shack and he's only still alive because James pulled him out of the way."
The only thing running through my mind in that moment was the image of Snape's sneering face among his horrible friends, laughing at me while Dumbledore told me to pack my bags. I never had a reason to hate Severus before that moment, but if he knew, and if he told even one person, I would be expelled from Hogwarts. Parents wouldn't want their kids going to school with a werewolf, and Dumbledore would have no choice but to send me home. "Why was Snape in the shack?" I had to know, trying to keep my face stony.
"Because I sent him there," Sirius said. I could barely hear him, and he wiped his nose on his sleeve. "I'd just gotten so sick of his nosing. I thought that—that maybe if he got hurt or—or got caught outside the school—" He hiccupped. "I mean, he can't sneak out as easily as we can. I thought that he would stop." Sirius wasn't crying anymore, not with tears, but he had to take several breaths before he could continue, almost like he was hyperventilating. James gave him a little nod, urging him to go on. "Snape found me in the halls last night. He said he would follow me if I didn't tell him where I was going, and he told me he knew we all snuck off to the willow. I'd had enough, so I told him—told him to check out the willow for himself if he was so bloody curious. I thought it would scare him if—if he saw you—he would leave it alone. If he had to face a—a werewolf, he wouldn't dare—"
It was a struggle for me to remain calm. Snape knew. Sirius had practically told the git himself. I was going to be expelled for sure. That was what they were there to tell me.
James could see Sirius was having a hard time, so he picked up the story. "Peter and I found Sirius a few minutes after that. Sirius told me what he'd said. 'Snape is really in for it this time.' Then he laughed about how Snape would get caught just trying to get to the shack. Sirius hadn't thought it through at all. He never does. If Snape got anywhere near you, Moony, he was dead. Even if it was only Snivellus, I couldn't let him see you. Or let you rip him to shreds. You don't need that. So, there was a lot of cursing and shouting and trying to convince Sirius that he had been so utterly stupid, but then I couldn't think about it anymore. No one else knew where Snape was, so I had to go for it. I ran to the willow and forced Snape out. He didn't get hurt, but he'd seen you. He knew. And I'm so glad Pete went to get Dumbledore because I was seriously regretting saving Snape's life by the time Dumbledore showed up. I mean, Snivellus wouldn't shut up about how he was going to tell everyone, and I was really thinking about killing him myself. If Dumbledore hadn't been there, I probably would have."
James paused to glance up at Sirius. "You're supposed to be telling him all this," James pointed out. "I can't tell the whole story just because you can't hold yourself together."
Sirius nodded slowly. "Dumbledore found me after and took us up to his office," he went on. "Except Pete. He let Pete go back to the dorm. I thought he'd make us confess about our animagus forms, but Dumbledore didn't care about why we were out of the castle, or even how any of us knew you were in the shack, Moony. All he cared about was keeping it quiet. He swore Snape to secrecy—James and I had to swear, too. Then James got commended for his bravery and Dumbledore let him go before he dealt with me. Snape stayed. The git wanted to see me punished." Sirius scowled his hatred at the memory. "Dumbledore couldn't take away enough house points without everyone wondering why, but I have detention every Saturday for the rest of the year, and I'm not allowed on Hogsmeade trips anymore. Not sure how long that's supposed to last—maybe until graduation. Then Snape left, and Dumbledore said I had to be the one to tell you what happened. He said James could help if he wanted, and I—well—thank you, James, for coming with me. I don't think I could have told him alone."
"Someone had to make sure you told it right," James muttered, crossing his arms. He was still frowning, but he didn't sound quite so angry. "You might've lied and said Snape did it all on his own. And Remus has every right to get mad at you."
Sirius glanced at me, as if he had just realized I could be angry with him over this. His eyes were welling up again. "I know you don't have any reason to forgive me, but—Please!" Before I could say anything in return, Sirius was out of his chair and had thrown himself at me, wrapping his arms forcefully around my shoulders. He wouldn't let go and he was crying all over my nightshirt.
I ignored the pain his exuberance caused. "Only Snape found out?" I wondered slowly, trying to make sense of everything they had just told me. I felt Sirius nod into my shoulder. "I didn't hurt anyone?" He shook his head. "And no one's been expelled? Not you, or me, or James, or Snape?"
Sirius pulled back and gave me a hard look. "How could you have been expelled?" he asked, horrified. "I'm the one that messed up."
I just stared back at him, baffled as to how he could believe I would remain at school if things had gone differently. James was right. Sirius had not considered the consequences for anyone besides Snape, and I wanted the willpower to actually get mad at him. "If everyone found out I was a werewolf, I wouldn't be allowed to go to Hogwarts anymore," I explained harshly. "Think about it, Sirius. How would parents react if they found out their kids were sleeping in the same room as a werewolf? What would someone like your mother do? Or even Pete's mum? I'd be sent home in a heartbeat."
Sirius' face fell and he wheeled around to James. "God, Prongs, could I have made a bigger mess of this?" He dragged his fingers down his face.
"The only way it could have been stupider is if you hadn't told me about what you said to Snape," James replied, none too kindly. "Otherwise, last night was about the stupidest night of your existence."
"Thanks for the assurance, mate." With a weak frown, Sirius glanced back at me. He looked scared. "How can you not be angry with me, Remus?"
"Sirius, right now I'm just happy I'm still allowed at school," I assured. I was looking at my bandaged right hand instead of him, not wanting him to see the lie in my eyes. "I'm upset, yes, but I'm not angry. I'll… get over it once I know Snape really hasn't told anybody."
At these words, Sirius gave me another enormous hug. "I don't deserve friends like you guys," he cried, meaning James too. "I'm horrible. You should have me disowned."
"I thought about it, Padfoot. I thought about it." James stepped over and halfheartedly joined the hug. "You're lucky. If anyone had been hurt, I doubt you'd be off the hook as easily."
A moment later, Madam Pomfrey emerged from her office and gave a little sound of disapproval at my friends' behavior. "Potter, Black, I know you're worried about Mr. Lupin, but stop trying to smother him and get back to class," she instructed, coming over to check my bandages. "He is well taken care of and needs his rest."
"Yes, nurse," they said together, quickly finding the door. "We're going."
"Thank you, boys," the nurse said pertly. She's never been fond of their visits. Once they realized I appreciated their humor when ill, they went with it. James usually spends the entire day stealing all the spare pillows to build a 'healing fortress' around my bed. On several separate occasions, Sirius has brought varying amounts of scented candles in order to hold vigil until I 'gently wander into the great beyond.' I've always found it amusing, but Madam Pomfrey always complained that it wasn't creating the proper healing environment.
"Wait, guys?" I called as the nurse fumbled with my arm. They gave me curious looks, each with a hand on the door. "Tell Allie to come by on her free period. I really want to see her."
They both nodded in understanding and shut the Hospital Wing doors behind them. The nurse gave me a smile. "It's always nice when you have visitors," Madam Pomfrey said. "Even if they were skipping class."
"Yeah," I mumbled, still dwelling on why they had been visiting. I felt drained, more so than usual, and I wished I was allowed to be upset. The one person who was determined to let my secret out now had proof I wasn't normal. Snape saw me. It was Sirius' fault, but I couldn't even be angry. I couldn't be frustrated. I would have to forsake the few friends I had just to think about being angry with Sirius. If I got mad and decided to cut Sirius from my life, James would stick by him no matter what, and Peter would do whatever James did. It wasn't worth it, so I pushed the anger away, hoping it would stay wherever all of my other anger disappeared to.
It was a relief when Allie finally showed up. She rushed into the room, looking scared and breathless. I let her fuss over me for a moment before bringing her closer and kissing her, a little desperately, on the mouth. She was confused when she pulled back and she stroked my cheek in a questioning way, wondering what was wrong.
"Puppy, are you okay?" she asked. "Sirius seemed really upset when he said you wanted to see me. What's happened? How badly are you hurt?"
I shook my head. "Snape knows," I said, getting to the point. I felt hopelessly empty again and leaned into her shoulder. "He saw me last night—transformed. James had to pull him out of the way before I could attack him. They told Dumbledore, and he's sworn Snape to secrecy but…"
Allie's hand went to her mouth. "Oh my… Did someone tell or… Why was he there?"
I closed my eyes. "Sirius told him where to go," I explained as she made room for herself with me on the bed. "He wanted Snape to get in trouble, or hurt." As I put my arms around her, I could smell her blackberry shampoo, and it managed to calm me down. "The worst part is I can't even be mad at them. I should be furious, but they're my friends. I know they didn't mean it to go so far, but Snape's lucky to be alive. And I'm lucky I'm not on my way home right now." My eyes were stinging with held back frustrations, and I decided I didn't have to hold it in anymore. The guys weren't there to see my tears, and I could cry in front of Allie.
Allie gently grabbed my face and turned it to hers, holding my gaze. "Remus, listen to me," she said carefully. She wiped at my cheek with her thumb. "You did not hurt anyone. Your friends would not let you hurt anyone. Not even Severus Snape, the person they hate more than anyone else in the world. I know they care about you, Remus. Even if Sirius is incredibly thick sometimes, and maybe he caused the problem, but they were still willing to do whatever it took to fix it. They told Dumbledore. And Dumbledore won't let this get out of hand. You'll be fine."
I stared at her for a long moment, thanking whatever higher power was responsible for sending her to me, and then I pulled her close again, kissing the top of her hair. "Why are you so amazing?"
"I'm not amazing," she replied. "I'm just rational. You're rational, too, but sometimes it gets confusing to think about these things alone."
I shook my head. "No. You really are amazing," I said. "I don't know what I would do if you weren't in my life, Allie." I kissed her again, and it was a slow, lingering kiss. It was a kiss that promised more, and it probably would have led to more had I not been in the Hospital Wing covered in bandages.
The kiss only stopped when the nurse poked her head out of her office. Madam Pomfrey gave a little squeak, startling us apart. "Oh, don't mind me," the nurse bustled, pretending like she hadn't been checking on me. It was odd that she didn't reprimand us, but Madam Pomfrey doesn't mind when Allie visits. She generally leaves the two of us alone. "I just needed to get this… pillow." Madam Pomfrey hastily grabbed the first pillow she saw on one of the empty beds and retreated to her office, making an apologetic gesture before she shut the door.
I laughed at the nurse and made myself comfortable on the bed, Allie lying contentedly in the crook of my arm. We stayed together on that hospital bed for a long while, so long that Allie missed her double Charms lesson and her History of Magic class. I hope Peter took accurate notes, or that James and Sirius stopped worrying about me long enough to actually listen to our teachers, because I have no idea how I'll get the information from class otherwise.