Tales of Insanity
Disclaimer: I Don't Own Tales of Symphonia or Any of Its Characters
Aisu: Heh, I know there are like a hundred other ToS parodies but everyone does one of these at some point in their life, right? Well this is my version! I've never read a fic with Kratos really OOC though. I tried to make him a little OOC but not so much that it ruins his sexy personality. That's where Yuan comes in!
Yuan: I was with Kratos the whole time in the game. You just couldn't see me. I was the one giving him all his awesome lines!
Aisu:... I not sure about that... but you need a bigger part in the game, so I gave you one here. Just so you all know, this is not a major fic for me, it's just something I can work on when I get a little bored or tired with Tales of Harmonia, my other fic. I type almost 5, 000 word chapters for it so I need a break every now and then. So updates for this may be a bit scarce unless I get a lot of feedback. I persoanlly thought it was kind of funny. Anyway, please enjoy!
NOTE: This fic contains many swears (Except the F-word which will be beeped), some unnecessary violence, very OOC characters, SPOILERS and more. I've warned you, so now you can't hold me responsible for anything that may affect your health! HAH!
Chapter 1: Useless Narrators and Emo Children
"Once upon a time, there was a tree. And it wasn't just any tree, it was a magic tree! It spread love and joy around the world with all the pretty sparkles we called katakana."
Yuan hit Kratos over the head. "It's mana you sexy moron! Plus you still have the lens cap on the camera!"
"Ow… Fine." Kratos took off the lens cap which showed a mountain zooming in closer and closer to a mountain. "AH SHIT! PULL UP! PULL UP!" The camera was abruptly turned towards the sky and blue and white could be seen for a few seconds, before the landscape could be seen once more. "Phew… that was close."
"Finish the story! We're almost at Iselia!"
"Oh crap! Um… um… what's my line!" Yuan shoved the script in front of Kratos' face. "Ah! A war however made the tree sad and it decided to just die. Just like that. Dead. Kaput. No more. It was like: OMG I want to die I'm so sad!"
"Moving on…"
"Okay, but then a hero was like, "OH NO!" and sacrificed himself to take the tree's place, royally pissing off the goddess. The pissed off goddess disappeared unto the heavens and left the angels with this edict: "If you dare wake me, I swear I'll be SO pissed that I'll destroy the world personally!" Heh, I think we dumped a bucket of water on her head that day!"
"Hah! Good times…"
"Anyway, the angels were too lazy to do anything about this so they had a bunch of people bare the Chosen Ones, who are completely useless and fail at life, to fail at life further by trying to save the world. That marked the beginning of the chain reaction that ended the world… FOREVER! Nah, just kidding, but it might as well have happened."
"Man that sucked. We're here anyways so- LOOK OUT!" The camera was now zooming into the schoolhouse of Iselia.
"DAMNIT!" Kratos pulled up after almost running into the school and ended up dropping the camera which fell through the roof. "Crap! Let's get out of here!"
That was all that could be heard so we can assume that they both escaped the area as fast as possible.
"Ow!" A boy clad in red shouted as a black box, or the camera, fell on his head. "Son of a… WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!"
"Now Lloydie, we don't use that kind of language in class." A woman with white hair who was clad in orange scolded. "It's the reason I put you in the back of the class to hold buckets of water."
"I'll say whatever the hell I want!" Lloyd shouted but then noticed the camera on the ground and dropped the buckets of water to pick it up. "Ooh! A camera! Look ma, I'm on TV!"
Raine smiled widely and patted his head. "That's the side of you I like to hear. Now can you answer the question?" Lloyd glared evilly at her and she stepped back a bit with a nervous chuckle. "No? Okay then I'll get someone else to answer."
She scanned the rows of students till her gaze landed on a boy with the same white hair and was clad in blue and white. She skipped off and glomped the boy who yelped in surprise.
"Raine… people are looking…" He whined embarrassedly.
"Just answer the question, Genius." She chirped.
"My name's Genis… I told you not to call me that at school. Everyone beats me up at recess."
"That's because they're jealous that they're not as smart as you. Now answer the question please."
Genis groaned. "It was Mithos the Hero… he brought about the end of the war…"
"It was actually the tree which decided to kill itself because it was sad, but that's close enough! A-Plus!" As she walked away, Genis felt everyone's glares on him. He silently wondered why he bothered to come to school.
"Anyways, before Mithos sacrificed himself to fail at saving the tree, he asked the Goddess Martel nicely if she could seal away the Desians whom caused the war." Raine said.
"YOU MORON! He formed a pact with her to seal away the Desians! But they came back and are now trying to redesign the world!" Lloyd shouted from the back of the room.
"Lloydie, we all know that's your alternative personality speaking because you're not that smart." Raine scolded with a motherly tone causing him to flip her off. She learned to ignore it though. "We covered why in last class. Moving on then; today is the day that our Chosen will receive a used present from the pissed off Goddess Martel. That's our Chosen, Colette! Stand on up and take a bow!"
"But I don't want to!" A girl with long blond hair and white clothes cried with tears in her eyes.
"Pleeeeease?"
"Okay!" Colette stood up and bowed hitting her head on her desk in the process. "Oops ouchies! Hee, sorry!" She stood up once more with a huge bruise on her forehead which looked extremely painful.
"Could you tell us all about the Journey of Regeneration you're about to go on?" Raine asked sweetly.
"It's a journey to seal the Desians because the angels wouldn't do it themselves because they're lazy bastards!" Colette said angrily. "I'm going to undoubtedly die like all the previous Chosen's so why am I bothering to do it! ARGH IT MAKES ME SO MAD!" She smashed her desk into pieces, like the Hulk, in anger. "Wish me luck!" She added cheerfully.
"Now we shall move on to the accident Genis had this morning in bed…"
"DAMNIT RAINE!" Genis shouted.
Luckily, a bright light flashed into the room through the windows and words could be heard. "YOU WILL ALL DIE ONCE THE JOURNEY OF REGENERATION IS COMPLETE!"
This caused everyone to scream and cause chaos in the room. Some kids broke chairs, some jumped out the window, Lloyd killed a few out of fright since he conveniently had his swords at his sides, Genis dove under his desk and Colette sat there bawling her eyes out. Raine sighed and put on her sunglasses and whipped out a small button with a lens, like seen on the Men in Black. She gave a high-pitched whistle that caused everyone to look at her and she pushed the button, causing the bright lens to flash. Everyone returned to their desks and stared ahead blankly as she put away the button and sunglasses in her robe. They were all like this: O.O
"Everyone, I'm going to the temple now. I want you all to stay here and study while I'm gone. Genius will be in charge."
"Yes Professor Sage…" They all replied monotonously.
With that Raine skipped out of the school. Once they heard the door close, everyone started to cause havoc once more and Lloyd decided to make a break for it. Genis noticed and ran after him, clinging to his boots.
"Take me with you! You must defend me before they all beat me up!" He pleaded. "But stay away from Raine; her punishment is worse than hell on wheels."
Lloyd looked down and shook his foot to get him to let go. "Tch, fine, but if you get in my way-"
"You'll kill me… I know, I know, you say that every time you have a personality switch…" Genis sighed.
"Personality what..? Never mind. Hey, Colette, we're going to defy the Professor's wishes and raid the temple. Want to come?"
Colette looked back from beating up the small boy, who had asked if she was PMSing again, and dropped him to answer sweetly. "Of course! I was getting offended by that hole in the wall over there anyway."
They all looked at the said hole. It was shaped like Colette… well Colette's fist anyway. Goddess knows how they could tell.
"What made that again?" Lloyd asked.
"Don't you remember the Spring-Cleaning incident from last year?" Genis asked.
Colette began crying again. "There was a stain and I couldn't get it out of the wall so I punched it out of frustration." She suddenly became very aggressive. "I punched its damn lights out! It was all like, "Oh no, don't kill me!" and I was all like, "Mwahahahaha!" and I killed it!"
There was a silence that followed.
"You're a freaking dumbass." Lloyd said.
COLETTE OBTAINED THE TITLE: FREAKING DUMBASS
"Anyways, let's get out of here. I don't like the way those kids are looking at me." Genis twitched.
"Yeah, let's get the hell out of here!" Colette shouted and exited the room.
Once they were all out, Lloyd sealed the room so that the kids wouldn't escape and wreak havoc outside. Once they were outside, something perplexed them.
"I can finally hear the voices in my head!" Lloyd said excitedly.
Genis ignored him. "Something must have happened. Nobody's around here."
"Colette!" They all looked to their left to see a blond man approaching them while eating a hotdog.
"Daddy you're finally home!" Colette cried and hugged the man as if she hadn't seen him in years.
"… I… was just at home… eating hotdogs…" He stuttered.
"Frank! What's going on here?" Genis demanded.
"Well, I was just minding my own business, eating a hotdog, when I heard the Desians shouting about vandalizing Martel Temple. They're now graphitizing the temple and Phaidra has gone ahead to try and stop them. Well she was actually preparing for Colette's sacrificial ritual but whatever…" Frank explained with a shrug.
"That's not what I meant… I was asking why you are eating hotdogs when your name is Frank. Doesn't it strike you as a bad pun?"
Frank starred down at the hotdog. "You know what? I don't know…" He shook his head and went to leave. "Colette, go get sacrificed- err… I mean receive your used present. Lloyd and Genis, you should go home. If for some strange reason you decide to defy me, I'll be at my house and I'll heal you." With that he left.
"YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO YOU -beep-ING BASTARD!" Lloyd shouted and shook his fist. "Hey, want to take his suggestion and defy his orders anyway?"
"OKAY!" Colette and Genis agreed and they walked towards the north exit.
They were cut off by a large skull with eyes. Well, it would've been more threatening if its eyes hadn't been bright pink.
"Oh em gee! It's a monster!" Genis shouted.
"No shit Sherlock!" Lloyd snapped.
"It must be part of the trial. Martel's trial involves battling monsters." Colette said knowledgably which caused the others to stare at her.
"WHO ASKED YOU!" Lloyd shouted and turned back to the monster, unsheathing his swords made out of broken twigs. "Forget it; let's just kill this thing and go!"
"HELL YEAH!" Both Genis and Colette shouted and took out their weapons as well.
The fight then turned into a battle against a zombie for some strange reason. Lloyd hacked and slashed gracefully then started to be a little more reckless. The first part was his evil personality while the reckless part was his real one. Genis kept on casting his Fireballs from his ball on a stick, or kendama, but it was completely useless because he had such horrible aim. He ended up lighting Colette's butt on fire by mistake which caused her to laugh for some strange reason.
"The burning tickles!" She giggled before tripping while trying to throw her chakrams, causing her to fall on her rear, therefore putting out the fire.
In the end, it was only Lloyd who did any damage so he, with his negative personality, took everyone's share of experience points, which caused him to level up twice and he laughed evilly.
"Lloyd you're awesome and all, but you suck too!" Colette said suddenly.
"Aw, you're too nice Colette." Lloyd said obliviously. "I owe it all to this thing!" He stuck his left hand out hotly.
"To a piece of cloth?" Colette asked rather stupidly.
"No you dumbass, to the Exsphere!" Lloyd growled and covered it with his other hand protectively. "It makes me all powerful and crap. I'd be nothing without it!"
"No kidding…" Genis muttered and got a smack to the head from Lloyd.
"The Professor said once that if you press R, you can switch targets because spiritual monsters are more damaged by magic and physical attacks." Colette blurted out randomly.
Lloyd stared at her. "What the hell are you on?"
Colette began crying. "I saw the monsters coming back and wanted to say something!"
They all looked and low and behold, there was another skeleton head coming. "Would you look at that? But screw it anyways; Genis sucks at aiming so I'm going to take on the ghost out of spite!"
And he did just that. Colette got distracted by a butterfly and killed it because it had apparently offended her. Genis tried his hardest to aim at the zombie properly but only landed a few hits before Lloyd came and finished it off. This time Lloyd didn't steal their experience since his mean side wasn't there at the moment.
"I'm beat; let's go see if Frank can heal us." Genis suggested so they left.
Upon reaching Colette's house, they saw Frank sitting there eating yet another hotdog. "How do you manage to stay so thin?" Genis asked.
"Shut up. What do you want?" Frank asked.
"Can you heal us?" Lloyd asked. "We just fought some wimpy monsters and got tired."
"Okay then, hold still now." Frank stood up and opened his arms wide.
They stepped back slightly. "Wait, what are you doing?" Genis asked fearfully.
"I was going to hug you for health." Frank said as if it was obvious.
"Daddy you stupid head, that's hug for warmth!" Colette shouted angrily.
Frank laughed. "Oh ho ho, that's right, silly me. Then here, have some healing hotdogs." He shoved a hotdog in each of their mouths before booting them out the door. "Next time buy healing items!"
"Bye Daddy!" Colette shouted.
Genis looked in their inventory pack somehow. "We have three Apple Gels, one Orange Gel, one Life Bottle and a Magic Lens Lloyd jacked from some kid before we left the classroom. And we only have five-hundred Gald. That's crappy."
"Well, I do have an extra three-thousand from all those people I killed for no apparent reason… And for some reason some monsters…" Lloyd thought out loud. "Let's go buy a load of crap!"
And that's what they did. They bought loads of useful crap, which made the shop owner almost rich with glee, then left towards Martel Temple, beating up any small threatening animals that got in their way. Well, Lloyd did, and Colette killed anything that offended her. Lloyd learned Sonic Thrust to go along with his Demon Fang attack and Genis learned Stone Blast. When they finally got there, they stopped to stare at the temple.
"Damnit, it's so high up!" Lloyd complained.
"And there are so many stairs!" Genis added.
They both looked at Colette waiting for her to add to their list of complains when they saw she had a huge scowl on her face. "That light offends me! I'm going to go teach it a lesson!" She then began stomping up the stairs rolling up her sleeves.
Lloyd and Genis sighed. "She's definitely the Chosen… she fails at life." Genis muttered.
Before Colette could get far though, she stopped when she heard the sounds of smacks and spray cans. They all saw one of the old bearded priests hobbling down the stairs covered in tie-dye colored paints. When he finally got to where they were he collapsed as if he had been gravely wounded. Lloyd poked him with one of his swords till the priest finally stirred.
"Chosen… One… The… Desians… Have… Broken… The… Non… Aggression… Treaty…" The Pastor wheezed.
"You mean that weird eye for an eye rule from the Desians that stated, "If you say something to us, we'll break your legs, if you come near us, we'll break your legs, and even if you so much as smell us, we'll break your legs, if you break our legs, then we'll break your legs…" and so on?" Genis asked. "So long as we don't break those rules and more they won't vandalize the village?"
"Yes…" He coughed violently. "I… have… confessed… all… but… one… of… my sins…"
"And what is it Pastor..?" Colette asked tearfully.
The Pastor wheezed. "I am actually a woman with many genetic deficiencies…" Then 'he' died.
There was a silence that followed, not one of sadness, but one of total shock and disgust.
"That… was a little more than a wanted to know…" Lloyd said as his eye twitched.
Aisu: O.O; Love it? Hate it? Suggestions? Please leave a review! I'm not too fussy with negative comments about this since I don't care all that much about this fic. Well, I won't unless people really like it. The next chapter is funnier I think.