"Now, tell me mister writer, how long do you think you can go with this, how did you call it? Creative alienation from people?" – Blair says, while putting the cups of tea on the table in front of Dan who lies on the sofa. The loft looks like there was dropped a bomb. Old newspapers on the counter, his lap top on the floor wide open, a little mountain of dishes in the sink, glasses and more dishes around the counter, blinds over the window…. – "And I'm letting fresh air in, if there is any in Brooklyn. When was the last time you actually stood up from there and cleaned this mess? And no, this isn't a creative chaos, it's a mess. A typical mess a man can make!" – She yells at him, while making a spot for her on the armchair, by pushing several shirts on the floor. – "I can catch a disease by sitting on this"- She finally sits down and raises and sits up on the sofa, looking exhausted.
He was writing almost non stop in the past three weeks, no interaction with people and God knows when was the last time he actually was with a girl. A simple date we are talking about, not anything more like kissing, or God forbid sex.
Serena was gone one day. There was a small letter on the bed where she explains that she doesn't understand him anymore, nor she ever did and the monotony life is killing and that she needs the world and she needs excitement and she simply doesn't find that by being trapped in a loft in Brooklyn watching old movies, over and over, and even discussing the hidden meaning in them. No, she just picks up her things and leaves. He's confused but not stressed out. No matter what people say or think, he can breathe. It feels so refreshing not to have her in the loft, he almost hates himself because he enjoys the solitude. So more or less, it's been probably eight months since Serena leaves. Blair texts him in the beginning, until her husband (who has time for everything and everyone but his wife) is out of New York so she actually decides to visit him as an old friend. Humphrey needs my constructive criticism, she thinks, he probably smells and cries his eyes out, but I'm gonna put him on the right track, she thinks. She's surprised how normal his life is, as if Serena was never in it.
She slowly puts the new info into Chuck's head. She is visiting Humphrey, sometimes she tells little white lies, she tells him she goes there with Nate to comfort him, although she hasn't seen Nate in quite long time (she texts him just in case, so she can have an alibi, if that is necessary at all). When Alessandra pushes Dan to write more and when he has an actual dead line, that's when he forgets about the outer world. Not that Blair didn't try to come over, even though he precisely tells that he will write. And he does.
"For nine AM, you are very talkative. Let me wake up properly, and why tea?" – He asks.
"Because if you were a better host, you'd have gone out and bought coffee" – She says sharply.
"I'd have bought one for you if it was the other way around." – He says.
"Well thank god it isn't, nor it ever will be, because I'm organized and I don't live in Brooklyn"
"And you have people for that" – He teases.
While he was with Serena, those few boring years, they forgave each other everything they did in the past and continued being friends. They weren't so close like before, but they were civil. When she first came to him after Serena left, it was a bit awkward, but Blair (oh for crying out loud Humphrey, right?) breaks the ice with a several naïve insults and it turns out helpful for both of them. When she says "We need to find you a decent girlfriend" he chokes a bit on his coffee. As he coughs, she can't help but wonder if it was because…no she kills that thought immediately.
"I'm fine alone, really" – He says.
"And how exactly you are fine? You look like a goddamn caveman with that hair and like it's not enough, you don't shave!" – She says, more or less like a strict mother. – "You wear hideous clothes, not that a girl will help you in that segment" – They share a look, thinking the same thing, that he looked a bit sharper when she, Blair was his girlfriend. – "But, you have to go out Dan, even on meaningless dates, and don't interrupt me!" – She raises her hand in the air to stop him before he tries to protest – "Nate is the worst possible source of nice girls. I don't know if you have other male non gay friends, but Nate will find you whores, and you need a nice one. As a matter of fact I have one in mind" – She smirks.
AMBER
Amber is two years older than Dan, she is one of Blair's assistants, tall, model type, ginger girl with few freckles and green eyes. Blair is especially fond of her, because besides the fact that the girl is stylish and funny, she's incredibly loyal and smart and is one of Blair's best workers.
When Blair introduces them, Dan is smitten by her. She is simply a likeable girl, one of those nice people that simply get under your skin in no time. They start talking and giggling like idiots and Blair is happy and she even gives Amber a longer break so they can go out for coffee. It's when Dan mouths "Thanks" when they are leaving her office, something happens in her, something wakes up and she feels a sudden urge to yell to people…
She sighs and sits on her chair and tries to focus on her work. She thanks the heavens when Chuck shows up to take her out for lunch, and distracts her.
She doesn't even know what he talks to her, all she can think about is if Amber and Dan are having a good time. God I hope they don't, crosses fast through her head. She stops, puts down the fork and inhales. What the hell is wrong with her, she forced him on this. Practically. She didn't stop talking how amazing her friend Dan was, to Amber and to everyone else in the office, her office. She is the boss, for god's sake, she doesn't talk that way with her employees which just few years ago were her minions.
…
Four days later, she doesn't call Dan, wants to but she doesn't. Amber is quiet, she just said that the coffee date or whatever it was went good and that he's a nice guy and secretly, very secretly, somewhere deep in her head Blair hopes that she and Dan had the worst possible date in their lives. I mean, come on, why would a girl like Amber, model looking ginger, hard working Manhattan girl would have anything with Dan Humphrey. Oh wait…
On the fifth day, that's it, she thinks, after work she decides to go to Brooklyn, no matter what. It's evening and the night slowly falls down and she is almost positive that she will find him on the same spot in the messy loft. Instead, right before she knocks on the door, she actually can hear jazz coming from the inside. If there was a mirror in front of her, she could have actually seen her narrowed eyebrows, semi closed eyes and clenched jaw. Oh god, smooth jazz, really? She falls for this crap? She knocks louder than she wants and when no one actually answers the door she knocks again. No answer. Well, she's furious now she can tell, because a) – there are people in the goddamn loft and b) – they heard her knocking and nobody actually honors her with opening the stupid door. She wants to give a third knock or even yell his name, but instead she decides to leave. Two steps away and the door opens, maybe not the best choice now when a bone is choking her throat and she knows she'll cry.
"Blair?" – His voice is too cheerful and it's a miracle she doesn't go there to dig out his eyes.
"What?" – She barks.
"What…You knocked?" – He says with a smile and she sees he is shaven.
"Yes, I did, as a matter of fact two times and very loud, but it seems you were too busy to hear me!" – Her voice thank god is not betraying her and she sound as sharp as she wants. The fast blinks are helping her dry her eyes from the tears.
"Sorry, I…the TV was on and music and…"
"Oh hey Blair" – Amber shows at the door, barefoot, wearing a yellow dress that makes her hair even more ginger and her green eyes even greener and her long skinny legs even longer and this is a ginger version of Serena, Blair thinks, feeling like vomiting. Except Amber is well educated and smart. Worst. Possible. Choice.
"Hi!" – Blair says so sharply, Amber shuts up immediately, pretty familiar with Blair's rage episodes. – "Well, good night!" – She snaps.
"W-w-wait" – Dan says. – "Wouldn't you tell me, why you are here?" - Oh god, they both wait for her to say something, to defense herself, god forbid to explain herself.
"Well, it doesn't even matter now!" – She says with insulted tone and walks away.
Amber is one of her best workers, but since the day she went out with Humphrey, the girl is more absentminded, comes later at work, speaks longer on her private cell phone and Blair has to call her name at least twice before she comes in her office. It's not that Blair hates her, but, private life should stay private and if Humphrey has anything to do with Amber's effectiveness, then, well, certain measures will be done. A month later after she starts dating Dan, and once blurts out and says "My boyfriend and I" Blair for sure makes a decision, probably in the back of her head, so Amber gets a chance to go to Paris, some workshop or whatever it is, and Blair makes sure she stays there for at least a month.
VIOLET
The girl is a cousin of Nate's current girlfriend. Everybody knows that Nate and the girl, whatever her name is, will last probably a week or three, but anyway. Violet is almost thirty, blond with bangs, Reese Witherspoon type, smiling, big eyes, white teeth, petit and too cute to be acceptable. Acceptable for Blair, of course.
There is a party and they are all there, and Blair kind of feels guilty for sending Amber abroad, so she talks for a while to this new girl, and somehow ends up (in a weird masochistic circle) of calling Dan to introduce him and well, there is chemistry between them. She even brings them drinks as they chat and Violet says she never read anything Dan wrote, and if Blair wasn't such a great actress, she'd probably would have a huge satisfied smile on her face. But it's not even awkward, Dan starts telling her what his books are about, and Violet is actually interested.
"We should go together on a dinner" – Blair snaps. The hell, what? Both of them are looking at her. – "You, Violet, me and Chuck. Nate and Lizzy, too" – Blair replies, completely aware that it's a stupid idea.
"Lindsey" – Violet corrects her.
And they go. A week later, they have table in a restaurant. Chuck, Blair, Violet and Dan, and later they are expecting Nate and Lindsey. The dinner is smooth, they talk, they laugh, drink. It's great really. Violet is nice and friendly and all Blair can do is search for a flaw on her. There isn't any. Blond, of course she thinks, what else would catch Humphrey's attention. And then she catches a small piece of her nail on her pinky. Good god, she missed a spot, or the nail polish was scratched. Blair tries to hide her smug face. The girl has a flaw, damn it, her brain screams in joy. In other circumstances, she would actually notice that Violet made Chuck talkative and involved him in a conversation about world economy and that Chuck showed interest in what she had to say….
They date for month and a half. She barely sees him and she barely calls him. Not that she actually tried to call him, she is buried in work and has no time for anything or anyone. Anyway, that evening she plans to go straight home, but something makes her call Nate. After the small talk, Nate tells her that he broke up with that Lindsey girl while they were on a long weekend in Florida, where, listen carefully, they were with her cousin and Dan. Blair stares blankly at the wall, suddenly feeling an urge to go at Humphrey's and yell at him. As Nate talks and complains, she actually prepares her speech.
"Humphrey, Florida, really? You hate sun! And going there with a complete stranger and with another couple, really? I mean, you buy tooth brushes from the same brand because you DON'T RISK, ever. Plus, she could have robbed you, who knows who she actually is, this is not acceptable, I literally left you behind, I mean what would you do without a sharp control in your life. Next time, you should consult me!"
"Are you there?" – Nate brings her to reality.
"Yes, I'm sorry it didn't went well" – She says.
…
When Blair meets her almost accidentally in a Manohlo's store, Blair is annoyingly nice like she never was in her life, not even in her best scheme days when she needed something to be done.
"Please, call me Vi" – Blair's stomach trembles.
She tells her that the best thing for a girl is to get herself a younger guy, a fresh piece of meat, someone who will treat you like a goddess, and "you know Blair, someone who will admire your life experience". She blinks at her. God, she is a blinker and Blair hates blinkers from the bottom of her heart. For sure she doesn't mean to do anything about this so-called relationship, like she did to his last one (ok, it was work and it had to be done, she didn't do it on purpose), but when Violet drags her to the nearest coffee shop and brags how great her relationship is, Blair has to do something.
"You know, you haven't heard this from me, but Nate and Dan are always looking for cougars" – The last word alerts Violet, because she is not old at all. So it's done, Blair decides to use it more than once. – "Nate already had a history with a cougar, and loves cougars. And Dan? Well…it was a bet" – Violet's face gets dark. – "Honey, you haven't heard this from me, I don't mean anything bad. Maybe, he is in love with you, I mean you lasted more than few weeks" – She mentions the time on purpose. Well, Blair can be convincing when she really has a motif.
…
"No, seriously how old are you? Why would you do that?" – Dan raises his voice when she goes to his place, a week after he and Violet break up.
"Are you insane? How am I suppose to go in front of Serena? You think she wouldn't find out that I was setting you up with girls. Which I didn't with this one, but…and practically I didn't say anything! She invented the whole story up. I just said that Nate likes cougars" – She tries to explain.
"Blair, please" – He sighs. She knows that he knows.
"Ok. You and I are going out tonight. I will be your wing woman and I will find you a decent girl, like you never had" – She smiles.
"I don't feel like going out" – He says.
"But you must! And to give me a chance to fix what I did. Or haven't done, whatever."
…
CHLOE, ANNE, CATLIN
"So, don't waste yourself, we have work to do" – Blair says as she takes a shot of tequila. They sit by the bar, having drinks and it seems that Blair is the one who will get drunk in less than 20 minutes, but of course she doesn't give up. – "That one!" – She hangs her arm around his neck. – "Tall enough, black hair, pale skin, a bit goth, but, she will do!" – She giggles.
"No, I don't think so" – Dan says and observes the girl in the corner, sipping her beer with few friends.
"Excuse me, since when you've became so picky, Humphrey?" – She takes the other glass from the counter and drinks it immediately.
"We are not having this conversation, Blair" – He shakes his head in disbelief.
"Well, ok, just go there, introduce yourself, flirt with her…just to see if you can. I mean, she looks interesting, though I hate the necklace she's wearing…Are those teeth on it?" – Blair says a bit louder than she should.
"Will you keep it down" – Dan pulls her arm and makes her sit down on the bar stool. – "People are staring at us"
What they didn't plan, or what Blair didn't plan was the goth girl coming at the bar, approaching Dan and starting a conversation with him. Her name was Chloe, she was an artist and an aspiring fashion designer. Of course Blair rolls her eyes on the last. They talk and Dan buys her a drink and she sits down next to him.
"Who's that?" – She asks about Blair who is by then most likely the drunkest person in the bar.
"Ah…my sister…cousin" – Dan says.
"Sister or cousin?" – Chloe asks.
"A cousin. But we are such a loving family, we call each other brothers and sisters" – Blair snaps visibly drunk.
Dan has a really hard time, he can't pay enough attention to Chloe and to look after Blair who starts flirting with the bartender.
"I'm going to the bathroom. Do not do anything reckless!" – He says in her ear. As soon as he leaves, she sits on the other barstool next to Chloe, and it's a miracle she doesn't fall on the floor.
"You like him?" – Blair snaps.
"Ahh…well, I just met him, he's a nice guy" – Chloe says.
"Cut the crap, Vampira. You do or you don't" – Chloe looks at her for a moment, but forgives her drunken sincerity.
"Yes, I think I do" – She smiles.
"Well, too bad!" – Blair smirks.
When Dan comes back, the girl is gone.
"What did you say to her?" – He asks.
"Huh?" – Blair says, sipping her new drink.
"Where is Chloe?"
"She was here…maybe she went to the bathroom, you know to take a sip from the baby blood she was carrying in a tiny bottle in her purse" – She chuckles.
Half an hour later, Chloe doesn't show up and he knows she is gone.
"No! The night is young, we are not going home until I find you a proper girl" – She yells and drags him in the cab.
It's a disaster night. Whenever he approaches a girl, Blair does or says things that are so inappropriate, all of the girls are leaving within fifteen minutes.
…
They meet Anne in the third bar they go that night. She's a bookworm, short hair, dark thick glasses and very full red lips. She is cute Dan thinks, but Blair thinks she is a pretentious hipster. When she says she's from Brooklin, the sound that comes out of Blair's mouth is almost non human.
"Him too" – She chuckles. – "Ah, I can't believe this. Do you have a boyfriend?" –Blair snaps. Anne is confused, but answers her question. It's like an awkward date with three people. Blair and Dan sit on one side and Anne sits on the other side of the table. Most of the time, Dan doesn't really have a chance to ask questions, but Blair does it for him. So, Anne is 24, she's American literature post graduate and works in a book store. – "Ah, can you believe it? A hipster, from Brooklyn, who works in a bookstore" – Blair shoves her face a little too close into Dan's, yelling from excitement. Anne is quite uncomfortable, but she smiles anyway. – "Look, I'm gonna get myself another drink, you ask this pretty girl out!" – Blair giggles and leaves them two alone.
She gets drunk in the first bar, then sobers up a bit in the second, just to have few more drinks and to get tipsy almost drunk again. She tells the bartender that her husband is out of the city so she is doing a good deed, searches for a decent girl for her best friend.
"Well if the hubby is out of town, maybe you two should…I mean, I thought that you two were…you know" – It makes Blair to go back to the table where Dan and Anne were sitting. And making out heavily.
"Ah love birds. Dan, Anne!" – She tries to get their attention. – "Your names rhyme, it can't be right, or work" – She says for herself. – "HUMPHREY" – She yells and he stops kissing Anne. – "I'm sick, take me home" – She says with whiney voice. She feels a bit dizzy, but she's far from sick.
They pay, and Anne actually holds his hand. If someone observes Blair from aside, she makes the most disgusted faces that night. There is no going back, she has to pretend now. Next best thing – she almost falls on the street before Dan grabs her arm. To be even more grotesque, the three of them are getting in the cab.
"So, you're going to make a huge circle around the city just to end up in Brooklyn. I mean, it's silly, I could have gone home alone" – Blair mumbles.
"It's ok, Blair" – Anne says. Oh, she actually has the decency to comfort Blair Waldorf. Well…
Anne tells the driver to stop just two streets before Blair's building, when she notices that Blair's leg is placed between Dan's crotch, and her hand is resting on his chest a bit under his shirt. And he doesn't do anything to remove her limbs from him. Dan is surprised, when she says a cold "goodbye" and hits the door so hard the car shakes.
They finally arrive in front of the building where Chuck and Blair live and Dan has to shake her to wake her up.
"What?" – Blair rises from his chest. – "Are you insane? I can't go home like this! The doorman is Chuck's spy, what you think he'll get out of this situation, when you'll carry me drunk inside?"
"We go to Brooklyn" – Dan says to the cab driver and she drops her head on his chest again.
But there is another bar in Brooklyn where they end up before going to the loft and they both drink heavily. The final girl for that night, Catlin, is almost Blair's look alike. Brown curls, chocolate eyes, damped lower lip, good figure. Dan spots her just when they enter the bar and he tells Blair.
"I will get her to you, because face it Humphrey you are an anti-talent for girls tonight"
She makes few drunken steps and finally gets to the table where Catlin sits with two boys who seem to be gay.
"Hi" – Blair says joyfully. – "My friend there, you see him?" – She points to Dan, who sips his whiskey at the bar. The girl nods and smiles because she noticed Dan turning towards her several times. – "Well, he likes to buy you a drink. I'm Blair by the way"- She says.
"Hi, I'm Catlin and I'd love to have a drink with your friend"
"Well, that's gonna be a problem" – Blair changes her face from friendly to deadly serious.
"What?" – Catlin is confused.
"Well, I'm his girlfriend and we're drunk and we thought it'd be fun for me to come over and say this to you, but I realized now how stupid this idea is!" – She turns around and leaves.
"What happened?" –Dan asked confused.
"You surely have nose for sluts. She's there with those two guys and they politely told me to fuck off, that happened. Another vodka!" – She smiles to the bartender.
…
They are both hangover in the morning. Dan wakes up first, just to see that he sleeps alone in his bedroom and Blair is collapsed on the sofa in the living room. He makes two big cups of strong coffee, and he has to shout her name few times before she rises up.
"I will never drink again" – She says with groggy voice and Dan doesn't make any comment about her ruined makeup.
"Yeah..." – He sits on the armchair. – "It wasn't that bad"
"So?" – She says, tugging her legs underneath her. – "Statistic from last night?"
"What statistics?"
"Well, any phone numbers, girls you set dates with?"
"I'm not gonna have this conversation with you" – He smiles while taking another sip.
"Excuse me, I was your wing woman, remember?"
"Yeah, well you also bring bad luck" – He instantly regrets for saying it.
"WHAT?" – She cries. – "I bring bad luck?! If it wasn't for me, you would have probably still be here, surrounded with your dirty dishes. I bring bad luck…can't believe this!"
"Ok, sorry, I just said it without thinking…"
"You are really gonna make me say it, would you Humphrey"
"Say what?"- He is confused.
"Don't take it personally, but…"
"Ah, I am gonna take it personally now that you emphasized it!" – He rolls his eyes.
"Well, whatever. I'm gonna say it now, when we're still a little drunk"
"Just say it, what is it"
"It's your hair Humphrey! It rejects women. It says – don't approach me, I'm a complicated person, who has no time to comb their hair or god forbid to trim it, so don't think I will take care of you!" – She snaps. The silence that comes afterwards is pretty heavy until Dan breaks it with a contagious laughter.
"I mean what else would Blair Waldorf say" – He chuckles.
"You laugh because you know it's true" – She smiles. – "And your beard also. I don't know if Serena told you that Hollywood forces man to walk around like cavemen, but it doesn't do you a favor"
"My beard makes me even sexier and you know that, Serena knows that, I know that and you should check your eyes" – He smiles.
"My eyes are fine and you need a barber!" – She stands up and goes to the bathroom. Why the hell she insulted his beard, she thinks, he is absolutely right that it does suit him.
When she comes back he brings waffles from the previous day that are still good and they have their breakfast.
"Thanks anyway" – He says with his mouth full with food.
"Yeah, well…I guess we'll have to go out again"
"No more. I'm really fine alone, Blair"
"No, you are not. And it would mean that I failed."
"You've already tried so much…" – He stops.
"But, a) – you don't know how to act with the girls, the fine girls I got for you, or b) – you are still not over Serena." – He stares at her for a while and now the tension is not naïve or silly at all. She knows that he knows that she sabotaged every girl she forced him to go out with, on purpose or not.
They finish their waffles in silence and when she prepares to leave, he hugs her.
"In this charade I didn't actually get the chance to ask how are you" – He says, remembering her paranoia from last night and her mentioning the doorman to be Chuck's spy. Blair slowly frees herself from his arms, with the forgotten feeling of fast heart bitting.
"I'm fine! And I'll be great when I'll find a decent girl for you that will take good care for you!" – She avoids the topic and forces the stupid speech of a decent girl.
"Blair, don't start another Woody Allen movie dialogue" – He says with a warm smile. – "I said I'm fine alone and a substitute for Serena could be very wrong."
"Oh, come on, you said it yourself that a writer needs a muse…" – She sometimes talks a lot without previous thinking.
"Yes, I did. And I still think that. And I don't know why you try so much. We can go out and you can look and you will never find anyone that is good enough according to your criteria. " – He is serious. – "And even if you do, and even if you set me up with her and even if that works, you will do your best to sabotage it."
"What? Why would I do that?" – She says with high pitched voice. He doesn't answer. She waits for words to come out of his mouth but nothing. Instead he leans in and kisses her deeply.
…
Chuck is not pleased with her constant mentioning of Humphrey and how concerned she is about him. Anyway he doesn't spend much time in the city because of work, so Blair doesn't even hear his words when he starts bothering her about her behavior that doesn't suit a married woman.
She prepares for work, when she gets a message from Serena.
You have to help me get Dan back.
Blair is fully aware of her life, her position, her failure marriage, the dangerous hanging out with Dan, but nothing irritated her so much like the message. She throws the phone violently in the wall it falls apart into million pieces…
tbc