Summary: Peter and Jared really are the Kings of Gay Chicken.
Rating: PG-13
Author's notes: I wrote F&B slash. *gasp* Well, I had to get it out of my system at some point, right? This is dedicated to luinaldawen, who read and fangirled the story like a pro even though she hasn't watched the show yet. And thanks to uena, who was the first one to explain the concept of Gay Chicken to me.
Disclaimer: The moment unicorns are real, I make money with this.
F&B&FB
Gay Chicken (and all the girls lose)
F&B&FB
Jared doesn't know it yet, but his friendship with Janie starts in the line for the court cafeteria on a Wednesday a few weeks after Stanton is released from prison. Janie's suddenly standing next to him, a tablet balanced on her hands, and he has nowhere to go without it looking suspicious. And besides, he is many things, but afraid of Janie isn't one of those.
They nod at each other, and the ensuing silence is somewhat uncomfortable, but then that's normal when he's around Janie.
"I meant it," he suddenly says and doesn't really know why. It's not like they're forced to play nice nowadays. Peter's moved on, so Jared doesn't even have to pretend to be nice around her anymore. Maybe that's why he can actually be nice now. "When I said I just want what's best for you."
For some moments, she just looks at him, and then she does something odd: she smiles. He's tempted to look over his shoulder to see if her fiancé has turned up, because surely she can't smile at him like that. Janie doesn't smile at him. She frowns. She rolls her eyes. She gets red blotches on her cheeks when she has to talk to him. But she doesn't smile. It freaks him out on the inside.
"I ... um, really meant it. In fact, I wanted to ask if you have an Amazon wish list for your wedding or ... " he trails off, because she's still smiling at him. "Or I could just order something for you ... probably a sex doll. I wonder if they have one that comes with a robe and a little gavel. Or I could order the entire Shark Week DVD collection ... " he's running out of steam, and she still doesn't look like she wants his head to fall off his body. In fact, she rather looks as if she's realized something recently, like how to shorten the Noble Eightfold Path to only One Simple Step to Be AwesomeTM.
It's unnerving.
Luckily, he's saved from figuring her out when the line moves along and he gets his burger with fries and a side salad. Decency, and yes, sometimes he's capable of it, demands that he nods at Janie as a goodbye before he goes and looks for a free table.
He has exactly ten seconds of undisturbed time to wish for Peter's company when Janie sits down next to him. He can't help the little jump he does when he realizes it's her. Stuff like this doesn't happen. Janie doesn't sit down next to him when there are free tables all around them. Janie and he don't do small-talk.
"You ... um ... okay, I give up. Is this about a case?" he finally asks, because everything is better than the suspense.
"No, actually not. I just wanted to tell you that I believe you."
"That I'd send a sex doll to your wedding? I mean, it's a fabulous idea and all, but I don't really think you'll need it with Nathan and his tantric sex - "
"Jared," she says and there's the eye roll again. He already feels a bit more relaxed. "Not that bit. The bit where you told me you only wanted what's best for me."
"You're welcome?" He wonders when he took the wrong turn and fell through the looking glass.
"I mean, I wanted somebody to have a home with, a family, to settle down - "
"Peter will settle down, eventually, he's just not ready for it - " he interrupts her, because he knows Peter wants the same things. It's just that he didn't want them with Janie, not really, but Jared is convinced that Peter will eventually find the right one.
"Oh, Jared," Janie says gently and puts her hand over his. He blinks and starts to question his sanity again. "He already did."
"Did what?" he asks dumbfounded.
"Settle down," she says, as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. It isn't, just for the record, because then Jared would know. He would've met that girl, he would've listened to Peter talking endlessly about how her hair shines in the sunlight, how she smells, how cute she looks when she's asleep.
"Excuse me?"
"It took me some time ... a whole lot of time, to be honest, but eventually I realized why Peter and I didn't work out. It has nothing to with him not being ready to settle down, it's just that he already did."
"I've heard that part the first time," he growls and draws his hand back from under hers. "I want to know with whom he has supposedly settled down, because I don't know what you took, but he hasn't got a girlfriend in quite some time, so - "
"You."
He nearly kicks over his coke.
"Me?"
"Yes."
"You're insane."
"How many heterosexual men do you know who've slept with their best friend and stayed best friends afterwards?"
"How do you know that?" he asks with wide eyes.
"I didn't." She shrugs, and he could kick himself. "I just had a very strong inkling."
"That was one time. In college. We were drunk and had a fight," he tries to defend his position, but his throat feels horribly dry all of a sudden.
"Make up sex, then. Did you like it?"
He can do nothing more but stare at her. When did she become obsessed with his and Peter's love life? This is insane. And his red cheeks have nothing to do with the fact that the bits and pieces he remembers from that night accumulate to some of the best sex he's ever had.
"None of your business," he hisses through clenched teeth.
"Alright. But think about it ... if you and Peter played Gay Chicken, none of you would actually lose. Only the girls in the room."
"Gay Chicken? Oh God ... why are you doing this?" he asks, head in his hands.
"Because Peter saved my relationship with Nathan. And I want what's best for you and him. I'm just trying to repay the debt."
"You really suck at doing it."
"We'll see," she says good-humoured. "Anyway, I dare you to google Gay Chicken and tell me otherwise. See you, Jared."
And then she's off, her food untouched, and Jared shoves his own tablet away. He's not hungry anymore.
"You talked to Janie. Why would you talk to Janie? And about what, for heaven's sake?" Peter surprises him with far-reaching hand gestures, and Jared has barely time to close the tab with Urban Dictionary on his browser before Peter can see it.
"How do you know that?" he asks because this is getting ridiculous. Why do people know stuff they're not supposed to know all of a sudden?
"So it's true then? Oh my God, I thought the security guy was pulling a fast one ... " Peter exclaims in horror and slumps down on the chair on the other side of Jared's desk. Jared feels like hitting this very desk with his head. Usually, he's not so dumb to fall for this trick, least of all twice.
"It's not my fault! She was standing next to me in line, and then she decided to sit next to me."
"Janie? My Janie?" Peter asks, disbelief all over his face.
"Your Janie?" Jared shoots back, his eyebrow raised. "I thought you're done with her?"
"I am! Totally done with her." Peter crosses his arms. "And you know that, dude. I convinced Nathan to marry her. It's just ... Janie and you ... that's not good. Especially if you're talking."
"Thanks for the confidence, man," Jared growls. "I'm perfectly capable of a polite conversation."
"No, c'mon, I didn't mean it like that."
"Oh, really? Then enlighten me how you meant it exactly, please," Jared says angrily. Peter doesn't sound like someone who is over his ex. In fact, he sounds like Peter, the hurt little bunny, who's regretting being the better man. And if that's the case Jared may have to shove Janie's theory about the Gay Chicken down her throat, because a large part of his mind may still be in denial, but she's kind of right. He can imagine worse things, a lot of worse things, than kissing Peter. Peter is a good kisser, in all objectivity. And Jared has already seen him in various states of undress, soberness and whatever else you can imagine. He's also seen Peter's dick and maybe has touched it - the details of that one particular night are somewhat fuzzy - so that wouldn't be a novelty either. Janie is right; they'd totally be the Kings of Gay Chicken.
Oh shit.
If she's right about Gay Chicken, then maybe she's right about the other stuff as well.
Oh holy shit.
"I've got to go," he says in a rush and nearly runs out of the office.
He makes it to his car in the parking lot before he gives in to the urge and hits his head against the steering wheel. This is going to be bad - oh, so bad. Eventually, he manages to call Janie's phone and puts her on speaker.
"I hate you," he murmurs when she picks up.
"Jared?" she asks, and there's something which sounds remarkably like affection in her voice.
"I have a gay crisis right now thanks to you! A. Gay. Crisis. I didn't have one of those when everyone and their dogs believed Peter and I had marathon sex in college."
"You didn't know you were in love with him back then," Janie explains calmly.
"When did you have time to take Relationship Advice 101?" he groans in despair and closes his eyes. Maybe it's not real when he can't see it.
"Oh, you mean all the time alone when Peter went off to meet you for dinner or for a game of Playstation? Or did you mean the time Peter and I were supposed to share an apartment, and he actually spent more nights at the Cave than in his supposedly new home?"
"Oh my God ... but that doesn't mean anything. Really, I slept with a girl just this month."
"Tell me about it: Did you have dinner with her? Spent the night?"
"Um ... "
"Yes, Jared?" He has to grant her that she doesn't sound too smug about all of this.
"I ... um ... I kind of left her afterwards to eat dinner with ..., " he sighs, "with Peter."
"See what I mean?"
"I'm afraid so, That doesn't mean he feels the same way, though! I mean, it's Peter. He's totally the ladies' man."
"So you think he'd lose in Gay Chicken?"
"What? No. Pff. We'd totally ace this shit. Wait, no, I mean - "
"Jared, sweetheart, let me stop you right here. You slept with each other. You tell each other everything. And let me tell you, Nathan was a bit disturbed that you know about my smoking habits. Does privacy mean anything to you guys? No, wait, don't answer that - anyway, you've been living in each other's pockets for years. You two already are a couple, if you see it or not. You just need to add the sex and get exclusive ... well, if that's what you want, I mean - "
"Enough. Please, I don't want you to think about our non-existent sex life."
"Too late," she says with a smile in her voice. "But honestly, Jared, I really, really believe that Peter is just too caught up in being your best friend forever to realize that you're already way more than that to him."
"You do know that this sounds incredibly creepy from the woman who was once engaged to him, right?"
"Maybe, but I have found the right one for me. I want to give back to the world now," she replies with a laugh.
"Now you're calling her?" Peter sounds completely outraged, and Jared jumps in his seat and hits his head on the ceiling when Peter suddenly appears out from nowhere.
"Ouch, fuck, Peter! What are you doing here? How did you find me?" Jared rubs the top of his head when Peter climbs into the car and closes the passenger door with a loud thump.
"Dude! You're still in the parking lot, and we drove here together this morning!"
"Um ... I'm gonna hang up now, guys. And Jared, don't be a chicken."
"Ha ha ... not funny," Jared says and feels like hitting the center console.
"So," Peter says angrily and crosses his arms. "I have several explanations for this. I don't like any of them."
"What? Why ... this is not - "
"Are you having an affair with Janie?" And this? This is so ridiculous Jared can't help but laughing. Peter is not amused.
"With ... with Janie? Are you insane?"
"Well, you do have secret meetings with her and call her after you've acted all suspiciously and ran out on me! What was I supposed to think?"
"Definitely not that I'm having an affair with Janie of all people! Dude, that's just gross!"
"Then what is it? Is she in legal trouble? Are you in legal trouble?" Peter asks worriedly. "Do I need to hit a few people? Is your dad giving you crap in the Gibson appeal case? Do I need to hit him? Actually, can I hit him? 'Cause I'd love to, really."
And that, right there, with Peter being all furious on his behalf makes Jared believe in Janie's words more than anything. Because this is what Peter does, he cares, he takes Jared's word and doesn't ask again, he wants to and did hit people on his behalf, he sleeps with him in the same bed when Jared feels lousy, he's given him more hugs than probably his own mother, and he's always there. He's the one constant in Jared's life.
"Peter," he says, his voice rough.
"Yes?" Peter's eyes are big and trusting, and Jared feels his breath catch in his throat. He's praying to all deities he knows that Janie isn't wrong about this, but right now he can't imagine that she is because it feels right to raise his hand and to press it against Peter's cheek. "Jared?" Peter asks unsure, but he doesn't move away. No, he leans into the touch.
"I'd never cheat on you, not even with Scarlett," Jared whispers and closes the distance between them. Peter lets him, and no one shirks, and then they're kissing and if anything, Peter's gotten better over time. His lips are soft and moving against Jared's like they've done this a hundred times. And then Peter's hand is running through Jared's hair and it feels amazing.
All of it.
"Oh fuck," Peter says breathless when they have to break the kiss to get some air. Jared's stomach does an unhappy somersault.
"Oh fuck good or oh fuck bad?" he asks nervously, and Peter rolls his eyes at him, a lopsided grin on his face. Jared has it dubbed the shit-eating grin, the one Peter shows when all is right with the world, and when he recognizes it his stomach doesn't feel like filled with butterflies in the slightest. Nope. Not at all.
"Dude, it's fucking amazing," Peter spells it out for him, his hand still in Jared's hair. His pupils are blown, and his cheeks are flushed. Jared doesn't exactly mind that look on him.
"Guess we really are the Kings of Gay Chicken, then."
"Gay Chicken?" Peter asks confused.
"Ask Janie ... oh, and we should probably send her something really, really expensive and really, really appropriate as a wedding gift."
"Okayyy ... but can we do this after ... I dunno ... a night or two spend together in bed?"
"And by that you mean - " Jared trails off, unsure.
"Yes. I mean," Peter actually looks a bit flustered now, "not that I don't mind the cuddling, not at all, but we're already covering that pretty well, right? And I thought this whole relationship thing means we get the amazing sex back as well?"
"You think our sex was amazing?"
"Don't you?" Peter wants to know, worry written across his face.
"No, yes - shit, I mean, definitely amazing. It's just a bit blurry because I was drunk."
"Oh," Peter says and the shit-eating grin is back. "Then you're not allowed any alcohol until you have no choice but to believe me."
"I think I already do," Jared replies and feels like his smile is splitting his face in two. And then another thought hits him. "Wait ... relationship? As in ... exclusive?"
"You said you wouldn't cheat on me," Peter reminds him. "And I don't share. Not even with Scarlett."
"And I don't share with Marissa."
"Deal," is all Peter says before he draws Jared close to him again for another kiss.
Two weeks later, Janie and Nathan get a really, really expensive and really, really appropriate wedding gift from Peter and Jared. They also get the entire Shark Week DVD collection, which leaves Nathan a bit puzzled, but Janie smiles and makes a mental note to call Jared and invite him over to watch it with her.
- fin