Just finished Cold Days and Thomas's last line inspired this little piece of insanity. Ties in with my fic 'Shinobi Sorceress' but can be read on its lonesome just for the fun of it.
Parent's Guide to Transformation.
"See you in a few days," Thomas said. "Well get the cottage finished off. Make it someplace Maggie won't need to learn to shape-shift to survive in."
"I'm a full fledge ninja so explain to me again why it is I'm stuck babysitting Arkham Asylum of Ugly, Worse, and Grimm while the two of you trot off to dodge monster Seven Minutes In Heaven."
Harry just managed to restrain to the urge to rub the bridge of his nose. Hell's Bells, if he'd known exactly what he'd bargained for in bringing back a daughter who'd been fending for the most part on her own the last five years he'd have made a drop off at Medieval Hardware for chain balls and cuffs and special ordered a babysitter from the school of Spanish Inquisition.
"Ok so I'm thirteen, but that's all the better. I have near zero libido so that's a safeguard on dad and you love me too much to be rude when I have to remind you to stop watching the female population smorgasbord instead of baby brother's ass. Plus I'm a better fighter than either of you so it makes perfect logical sense to take me with."
Oh yeah, there was the ninja thing again. Still needed to kill Ebenezer for that. It's unbelievably chaffing to have a child who could not only outclass you in combat but also think rings around you with that lovely family charm she inherited from you the male parent.
"It is precisely because you are thirteen that you are not coming with!" Harry tried yet again to explain in what he hoped was a calm, not patronizing tone.
That wicked grin was back. "Why? Afraid I might see something you really rather not be publicized to the world concerning what the great Harry Dresden thinks about in his happy time?"
He was not going to lose his temper. He was NOT going to lose his temper over the cheerfully well placed low blow.
"How do you expect us to explain a child to our host?" Thank you Thomas. There was something to be said for raising a little sister in a house chock full of succubae.
Another devious grin, this one even more disturbing than the last. "Oh is that the problem." Both men's stomachs dropped in perfect sync.
"Oiroke no Jutsu!"
Chakra clouds exploded around the girl in response to the single hand sign and words. Harry grit his teeth in preparation for whatever might appear from his daughter's rather twisted sense of humor. He was strongly considering sending the girl to Ebenezer for summer training just so the old man could enjoy firsthand the fruits of his decision. Releasing the breath he didn't realize he's been holding he patiently waited for the clouds to disperse…
"MMMMWHH!"
Harry took one look, grabbed Thomas by the arm, and dragged his hysterical brother out the door away from the sinfully gorgeous brunette attired in a leather miniskirt and matching jacket which left the midriff exposed and absolutely nothing to the imagination.
Outside Thomas collapsed to the ground clutching himself around the stomach. Heedless of the fact he could no longer make a sound due to his lungs running out of air after the first four seconds he continued to lay on the cold stones as his frame convulsed and an irate little brother glared death rays at his back as if accusing him of the current situation inside.
Harry waited patiently for his brother to regain control and took the opportunity to inhale a few deep breaths to sooth the beast raging in his head. What kind of fucked up shit did they teach in that ninja academy. He and Maggie were going to have a very long talk at the first possible opportunity.
"Well she certainly knows how to get what she wants." The breathless voice still laced with snickers earned the vampire a death glare.
"And I'm assuming you had nothing to do with this?"
Thomas feigned a flinch and put a hand over his heart. "I'm hurt little brother. That you would accuse me of such wickedness with a child and my own dear, sweet, innocent little niece at that.
"It was that kid Naruto who came up with it!' Thomas immediately followed, holding his hands up like a barrier against the barely contained volcano of wrath looming above him. "It's something of a joke between the two of them. I swear that's what she told me when she used it the time she tried asking me about what kind of girls I preferred to feed off of."
Harry did not want to know how such a conversation came about. "I don't want to know."
"Didn't think you would, which is why I never mentioned it to you." Thomas allowed a last chortle before clearing his throat and getting to his feet, glad he'd decided to dress after they got to the mainland to prevent any accidents with his planned evening attire.
"She knows shape-shifting." Harry breathed through his nose in display of calm.
"I believe the preferred term is 'transformation'." Thomas hastily offered. A distant, distinct memory of his choice of words referring to Maggie when they had fist stood here planning the creation of his brother's cottage on Demonreach resurfacing.
"We are going to have a very long talk when I get back."
"Weeeeeell… she does have a point, and it takes care of your date problem for the evening…
"Kidding!" Thomas laughed and danced away from the vicious swipe aimed to take off his smugly grinning head.
"See, I knew you would find the wisdom in my suggestion." Both turned to glare at the girl who'd at least had the good grace to exchange the leather for a less revealing, but no less clingy, black sheath dress with a modest slit up one side. "Let's go."
"Hold it right there young lady!"
Maggie, Yuki Harry had to keep reminding himself, giggled, tossed her hair over one shoulder and flashed a coy smile that would have melted any other man to putty in her hands. "We can stand here all night arguing the situation or we can go enjoy a nice party with Aunty Laura while I watch your hinies, because I will concede to your no drinking underage bull this once, and dazzle all those creepy acquaintances of yours while leaving them chasing useless paths tomorrow over who the infamous Wizard of Chicago could possibly be shacking up with this time."
"That just sounds so wrong coming from you." Harry said miserably. He needed no telling from experience he was stuck between a rock and an even more terrifying prospect. Yuki had set her mind to go along to stand guard for the evening and by all that was unholy she was going, whether he liked it or not.
"Don't worry," the giggling girl tossed back as she skipped down to the dock. The fact she'd knowingly set her look to 'old enough to know better but too young to care' helped absolutely nothing. "I'll write up an 'Idiot Parent's Guide to Transformation' for you when we get back."
"Idiot Parent's… HEY! What's that supposed to mean? Yuki!?" Harry took off as fast as his long legs would allow with the island's rough terrain after the far more nimble girl. Thomas's roar of laughter howling after the two.
Just another average night at the Dresden household on the way the Supernatural Board's Vampire Committee annual dance.
Yes another round of random insanity. And look! My plot bunnies are back in force. *glomps Jim Butcher for being so epically awesome*
Now if you hate it you can use the little button down there to yell at me. :3