Harry Potter, the Man-Who-Conquered, was in trouble and he knew it. He had chased the escaped suspect from the DMLE on the second floor of the Ministry all the way down to the Department of Mysteries. When the perp ran into the Death Room, that's when he smelled the trap.
He knew that his boss at the DMLE, Gawain Robards, had always mistrusted his apparent disregard for the rules and had been shady during the wars, but he never thought they'd be willing to go this far. But when he and the remaining escaped Death Eaters dropped their invisibility cloaks and surrounded him, he knew the truth.
He was screwed.
They converged on him and stunned him before throwing him through the Death Veil.
The Veil was an interesting piece of magic. Created by an ancient society, it was used to remove whoever went through it from their current plane of existence. While most people would go straight to the afterlife, the Master of the Deathly Hallows was the Master of the Veil and could choose an alternate reality to go to.
When Harry went through, he was carrying all three of the Hallows, so when he was thrown through the Veil, he landed in an empty, but well-furnished waiting room with a wall rack containing hundreds of little brochures. Quickly scanning through a couple, he realized they were informational packets on the different universes he could go to.
He decided on a universe in which the Greek Gods and Goddesses were still around and lived in the United States. He stepped through the door that corresponded to his universe and wound up in what he recognized as Los Angeles. He felt a pull towards the shop behind, called DOA Records.
After walking in, he found another waiting room, this one heavily populated by depressed-looking men and women. He walked up to the counter, where a well-dressed man with a nametag reading "Charon" was bobbing his head along with the easy listening music coming over the speakers.
"Hey there Charon, my name is Harry Potter, and I'm new to this universe. I felt a pull towards this shop. What's going on here?"
"Ah, Mr. Potter, excellent to see you. Thanatos has had me on lookout for you ever since you came into this plane. This is the mortal front of the Underworld" Charon responded. He mused, almost speaking to himself, "I would imagine that since Thanatos is so butt-hurt about your appearance, you must have something over him, but no matter. If you would follow me Mr. Potter."
Harry shrugged and consented to going along for the ride. He followed Charon into the elevator, which turned into a spectral barge as they went farther down. Turning to Charon to see what was going on, he wasn't too surprised to find that Charon's elegant suit had transformed into the stereotypical Death's robe and skull face.
Charon answered the question he saw on Harry's face. "This is the final descent to the Underworld, so both my barge and I revert to our normal forms down here. We should hit the Styx shortly, and then you have a meeting with Thanatos."
True to his word, the barge was on the Styx in a matter of minutes, and another few minutes showed the barge pulling up to the dock before the entrance to the Underworld.
"Here's where I leave you, Thanatos should be waiting for you. Tall, dark, cold-looking guy not in any of the lines. You can't miss him. Good luck Mr. Potter."
Harry thanked Charon and walked over to where a tall, dark, cold-looking guy was standing next to the lines to enter the Underworld. Assuming this man was Thanatos, he walked over and introduced himself. The man revealed that yes, he was Thanatos, and that they had to talk. A quick flash, and the two were in Thanatos' palace in the Underworld.
Thanatos gave Harry a quick tour of the palace and showed him into a living room. Heading over to the well-stocked bar, he poured himself a few fingers of scotch.
"Would you like anything to drink Mr. Potter? This is going to be a long, strange conversation. I know that I, for one, will need a drink to get through it."
"I tell ya, I'm no stranger to long or strange conversations, but I'll take a beer if you've got any."
"You bet" Thanatos replied. "I've got bottles of Heineken and Stella if that's your taste, or else I picked up some excellent microbrews from this wonderful place called Wisconsin. All they do is make beer and cheese, it's like paradise!"
"I think I'll try one of the microbrews, and I'll defer to you expertise on which one to try."
So Thanatos popped the top off a Fat Tire, brought it and his scotch over to Harry, and sat down to what may have been the strangest conversation he'd ever had in his existence.
"So Harry, can I call you Harry?" Getting a nod in confirmation, he continued. "As you may or may not know, I am the Greek God of Death. As such, you can just call me Death. Rolls off the tongue a lot easier than Thanatos, I know."
Harry started to connect the dots and figure where this was going. "And since I was the Master of Death in my old universe that carried over to here?"
Death nodded, glad to see that Harry had cut through most of the exposition he was dreading giving. He continued with the little left he had to get through. "So that makes you my master. You'll still technically be under Hades on the Underworld food chain, though I imagine he'll delegate a lot of the deathly duties to you. What I wanted to get to is how this is gonna work between the two of us. Hades was mostly a hands-off kind of boss, and I'm not sure how I feel about someone coming in to micromanage my process."
Harry was quick to reassure him. "No worries man, I'm planning on doing mostly the same. Until I work my way into the system and figure out more of the ins and outs, I'm mostly gonna sit back and let things go. I mean, the system's worked for this long without me here, and you shouldn't mess with it if it ain't broken, right?"
Death looked relieved, but Harry took a sip of his beer and continued.
"This beer is terrific! Anyways, as I was saying. I may go along with you on reapings if Hades wants my personal attention, and I'll pass down the chute what I think you'll need to know, but as I said, I'm gonna try and stay mostly out of your way. Now, that's done. If you don't have anything else for me, I'm going to the bars. I need to relax. You wanna come?"
Death knocked back the rest of his scotch and stood up, and was suddenly in bar-ready clothes. He flashed similar clothes onto Harry, replacing the red Auror robes he had been wearing. With a nod of thanks from Harry, he flashed to downtown LA, forgetting that Harry couldn't flash, since he wasn't a god.
The point was moot as Harry apparated next to him in the next second, startling Death. He was about to ask what that was when he saw a large scythe outlined in the night.
"The Death signal! Hades rarely uses that as a way to get my attention. He usually just texts me, and I guess now you'll be the one passing the death list on. This has gotta be a last-hurrah kind of thing to take us both back to the good old days when this was the way to get a hold of me. And heeeeere's Hades!"
A crazy-haired, wild-eyed man appeared, his face peeking through a long slit on the door he appeared with. Death turned to Harry and explained the appearance sotto voce. "He's been obsessed with The Shining ever since he saw it. This is how he meets new people, even in his throne room. He must've gone through a couple hundred doors since he started."
Hades lost the door and appearance, returning to what must have been his usual pasty, gloomy appearance, but added a pleased look to his face for his antics. He turned to Harry and Death, and basically reiterated what Death had already told him about his place in the Underworld hierarchy (under him but above Death) and his duties (basically none).
"So that should cover it, you should be good to go. Oh, and before I forget, you need to pick up some frat boy at UCLA, he's gonna get stabbed at a party soon. Harry, you should go too, get some on-the-job experience if Death can't ever go. I can't pick up when, so you guys should go over there now and just wait it out."
Harry and Death turned to each other and shrugged. They were planning on getting trashed at the bar, so going to a frat party and getting trashed there was just as good for them. They said goodbye to Hades and made their instantaneous ways to UCLA campus and made their way to the Pi Sigma Omicron fraternity, where Hades said the death was going to happen.
The first week of the fall semester at college has always been a rabid shit show. The new freshman either think they're good enough drinkers to go drink-for-drink with the booze-hardened livers of the upper classmen, or are trying drinking for the first time. Either way, both categories wind up throwing up in a bush somewhere and wind up passed out in bed with no idea how they got there. On the other hand, the booze-hardened upperclassmen return from a summer away from the party hard lifestyle they live at college, but think they can handle the same volume they could at their peak the year before. They too wind up just a drunk, but can handle themselves better than the unprepared freshies.
Either way, it was the first week of the fall semester, so Death and Harry were preparing for a party to end all parties. Both were dressed to the nines, frat party level. Harry had on a pair of blindingly white cargo shorts and a metallic gold basketball jersey with a sun on the front that Death had covertly stole from Apollo. The outfit showed off Harry's tan and the sleeve tattoos he had gotten after defeating Voldemort, as well as the muscles he had built up during training and work as an Auror. Death himself had on black athletic shorts and a black vest, concealing very little of his dark skin and toned muscles.
Death had brought along a bag with Dionysus-strength vodka and Red Bulls for him and Harry to share. Before they walked in the frat house, they turned to each other, put on stunner shades that matched their respective shirts and said in unison at the tops of their voices, "LET'S GET WIERD!"
Death and Harry Potter walked into a frat party. As much as that sounded like the start of a really bad joke, that was what happened. As he walked in the door, Harry snatched the UCLA flat brim off a freshman puking in the bushes and threw it on Death's head. As they walked in the door, they were grabbed by the hand by a rushed-looking upperclassman.
"Hi, I'm Stiffler, rush chairman, damn glad to meet you!"
Then he was gone. The harried-looking guy following him also shook both their hands, and did the same thing.
"Hi, that was Stiffler, he's rush chairman, and thinks it was damn fine to meet you. I'm McFly, Pi Sig president. Welcome to our first party of the year. If you have questions, ask one of the guys in the blue Pi Sigma Omicron shirts. Beer pong and flip cup are downstairs, bar and dance area back there, bedrooms upstairs are off-limits, and I need to go track down Stiffler again. Enjoy!"
After that strange interaction, Harry and Death turned to each other, shrugged, and headed towards the bar to hijack some cups for their vodka Red Bulls. As they poured the two, Death warned Harry not to let anyone else drink from his cup. "Your mastery of the Hallows allows you to drink the Dionysus-strength alcohol fine, but any mortals getting their hands on this stuff will almost instantly pass out" he explained.
"You got it Big D. Hah, they used to call my cousin Big D, but that was because he was hella fat. Speaking of, do you have a name you go by in the mortal world? As cool as Death and Thanatos are, neither are very common now."
"Yeah, I generally go by the name Wade Wilson when I visit the mortal world, but that name is now moderately famous, so let's try Slade Smierc."
"I like it. Now, let's get trashed. How's your pong game?"
As it turned out, Death had a killer pong game. Even though he and Harry were drinking god-level vodka to their opponent's beer, they still ran the table. After a round dozen wins, they gave up the table to hit the dance floor for a while. Harry was immediately grabbed by default California girl one and default surfer girl two, a bleach-blonde with huge tits and a tall, lithe brunette respectively, while Death was snagged by one of the few black girls at the party. After dancing with the girls for a while, the five of them played a few games of flip cup, Harry and Death easily carrying their team to victory after victory.
The only downside of the night was when Harry and Death had to leave the girls and step outside under the guise of smoking a cigarette to reap the soul they were sent to get, a chubby but loveable Pi Sig named Porkins.
As it turned out, he had stepped outside to take a leak, and a random mugger stabbed him in an attempted robbery. Porkins tried to Melvin death and run, but Harry was on hand to bring him back. After giving him the choice of playing a game or going on, he chose one-on-one six-cup beer pong. Death smoked him easily, and they collected his soul.
Luckily, the business from attempted Melvin to reaping the soul took happened between two heartbeats of a mortal, so Harry and Death even got to enjoy their cigarettes. The girls joined them for a smoke, and shortly after, the two left with their respective girls.
Harry woke the next morning covered in naked females. As it turns out, the girls he had gone home with were roommates, and the other two women they lived with, another busty blonde and a curvy redhead, had decided to join the fun. After a rousing re-enactment of the night before, Harry left and went to find death.
Meanwhile, Death was waking up to a similar experience. The woman he had gone home with had invited her two roommates, a pair of statuesque blondes to bed with them. Another naked woman, this one brunette, walked in carrying a plate of food.
"I know you have to go, so I made breakfast for you. You need a ride somewhere in the city?"
"Thanks, but no. I left my car at the Pi Sig house, so it's not an issue."
Giving her a quick kiss, he left her in the shower and his other three conquests still sleeping on the bed and left to find Harry. He found him in a Denny's by campus and slid into the booth opposite him. When the waitress came over, he ordered a coffee.
Harry was the first to speak after the waitress brought Death's coffee. "Dude, last night was sick as hell! You, my man, are the best wingman I've ever had!"
"Yeah bro, that shit was dope. You know we're doing that again, right?"
"Fuck yeah man! Best part is, as your boss, I can give you weekends off and giving reaping duty to your intern, whatshername."
"Lady Death. Yeah, real original, but she goes by the name Bella Morte, so I just call her Bella. It's easier that way. You wanna hit up the bars tonight, see what we can find?"
"You know it!"
And thus began the long friendship of Death and his Master. As the two of them became better and better friends and drinking buddies, they eventually gave more and more of Death's responsibilities to Bella, while the two of them ranged far and wide, drinking frat boys under the table and sleeping with only the choicest of women. Death's common thought before passing out under a pile of women at night was "Best. Master. EVER!"
/*
AN: Congrats for those of you (if there are any) that realized Death's chosen last name was an Anglicized version of the Polish word for death! A+ for you guys! Another gold star for everyone who recognized all the Easter eggs I slipped in there. BTW, Bella Morte is the name of a terrific band (means beautiful death), and I do not own the name, their music, any of it. I borrowed the name because it fit so beautifully into the story. I may throw out a string of one-shots later that is just Harry and Death as college roommates and the shenanigans they get up to, but we'll see. See ya on the flip side. Peace!
*/