Starsky & Hutch
Lost In A Masquerade
(Sweet Revenge Aftermath)
Venice Beach became his hiding place. The only place where Hutch felt he could escape the images that were haunting him throughout the day. Here he could breathe in the fresh air and relax. The scenery and the ocean breeze helped him to clear his mind. Normally he came here once or twice a week to think, but lately a daily visit to the beach wasn't unusual. Today
Hutch looked worn out. His eyes didn't have their usual sparkle and his movements were slow. He didn't have the strength to stand up, so he sat down on the sand. He tried to relax, but the ocean didn't have the calming effect on him that it normally had. He picked up a shell, threw it into the ocean and stared at the ripples when the shell hit the water. His mind drifted of to the scene that took place in Starsky's apartment that afternoon.
"What's going on, Hutch?"
"Nothing, why do you ask?"
"O come on, Hutch. I have eyes. You've been growling and yelling at everybody lately."
"Don't exaggerate, Starsk. I never yelled or growled at you."
"I wish you had. Now I have to pull it out of you."
"Just leave it, Starsky. I don't wanna talk about it."
"Yes, you do."
"No, I don't!"
"Yes, you do. Don't forget. I know you better than you know yourself, partner!"
"Cut it out, Starsky!
"No, you're gonna talk to me, buddy."
"There isn't anything to talk about, don't you understand?"
"O, I understand, I understand it very well; better than you think. Whose face do you see when you wake up in the middle of the night? Mine? Gunther's?"
"How..how do you know?"
"I know YOU, Hutch. I know how you think, and how you do things. I know you'd rather eat your tongue than admit that things aren't going so good. I know how you feel about me and I know how I feel about you. The thought of losing you scares the hell out of me. I have friends, but with you there's something more. I don't know what it is. I just know it's there; that connection. We can read each other's mind and we communicate through signals. I know you better than I know myself. I can see right through your masquerade, Hutch."
Despite himself Starsky grinned.
"Did I really say that?"
He sighed.
"I hate soapy scenes."
Hutch kept silent. Starsky patted his friends shoulder.
"Come on, Hutch. All these months you've been there for me, everytime I needed to talk. You never, ever talked about the shooting yourself. Not once. You're a good listener, but now it's my turn to listen."
Hutch looked up. Starsky's gaze was searching his face. He couldn't. He just couldn't.
"I can't."
Hutch stood up and headed towards the door.
"I'm sorry, Starsk."
"You're always running away, aren't you, Hutch?"
Starsky mumbled softly, more to himself than to Hutch.
Hutch had heard Starsky's last words before he closed the door behind him. The words kept echoing through his mind. You're always running away, aren't you, Hutch? Why didn't Starsky stop him, if he felt that way?
Hutch drove around. He had no destination in mind. All he needed was some time alone to think.
Hours later he found himself on the way to Venice Beach. Now, here he was throwing shells into the ocean.
When Starsky was shot by Gunther's goons, and lay bleeding next to the Torino. All Hutch could do at first was stare at his partner's body. Cold fear had rushed through every vein in his body. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. He was afraid that if he searched for a heartbeat, he would discover that there was none. Still, he had to check. That was Starsky
lying there on the cold, hard pavement. So, he knelt down beside him, and felt for a pulse. He listened closely. Yes! It was there. Very weak, but it was definitely there. "WHERE IS THAT AMBULANCE!"
Starsky's body had sustained massive damage and he had gone into a coma. When Hutch had left the hospital, trying to find the one responsible for shooting his best friend, Starsky had gone into a cardiac arrest. Never in his life had Hutch driven so fast , or broken so many traffic laws, to get to his partner on time. When he'd heard that Starsky had barely made it,
he'd almost lost it. He had been so relieved, but also very scared that this would happen again. With a vengeance he went after the person behind the shooting. Hutch took great satisfaction in putting James Marshall Gunther behind bars for the rest of his life.
Hutch looked around him. There were only a few people left besides himself. He had been so lost in thoughts that he'd lost all sense of time.
'Time'
Starsky had finally come out of the coma, and with an incredible determination he began his recovery. It was a struggle, and he still had a long way to go.
'Time'
Every day had been a struggle; every day had been a reminder of the shooting. Every day had been a reminder of the man responsible. There had been good days and there had been bad days. Starsky kept going and Hutch kept going with him. Until today. Starsky had almost recovered to where he didn't need Hutch's help anymore. Hutch could no longer push away the memories. All the sleepless nights, the fears, all the feelings that he had hidden all those months, had finally caught up with him.
After Hutch left, Starsky tried not to run after him. He had seen this coming and knew it was best to leave Hutch alone for a while. Starsky felt guilty about what he said to Hutch, but he had said it out of frustration. Trying to get Hutch to talk wasn't an easy thing to do. It took a lot of time, persuading and a lot of patience. Starsky wasn't surprised by his friend's reaction. Hutch needed to be in control of his emotions and the minute he felt that he was going to fall apart, he would ran away to a place where he could regain control. It was the only thing that Hutch could do. Starsky had a pretty good idea how Hutch was feeling. It hadn't been, too long ago, when Starsky almost lost Hutch to botulism. The memory was still fresh in his mind.
The shooting, though, was different. It was a constant reminder of the risks they were taking as cops working the streets. For Hutch, Starsky's shooting was a confrontation with reality. A reality that scared the hell out of him. Captain Dobey had told Starsky how Hutch was driven by pure rage, fearless on his search for who was responsible for shooting his partner. That kind of behavior could easily have put Hutch in danger.
Starsky remembered the scene on the roof a few years back. They had gone after Vic Bellamy, to find the antidote for the poison that was injected in Starsky's body. Hutch went up to the roof, with only his gun as protection. Starsky, in the terrible shape he was in, went up to the roof after his partner and saved Hutch's life.
"Hutch, you and your damn loyalty towards me is gonna get you killed one day." Starsky said to no one in particularly." It was that same loyalty that had helped them get through the worst of times. Starsky looked at his watch and decided it was time to look for Hutch. He knew exactly where he could find him. It was the same place where he'd always found Hutch before.
Hutch tried to stop the sounds and images from taking over his mind.
He heard his own voice: "STARSKY, GET DOWN!"
He heard the shots ring out. He saw Starsky lying on the pavement. He saw Starsky in a coma in the hospital. His own heart nearly stopped beating when he heard his partners had stopped. CARDIAC ARREST!
He didn't remember how he'd gotten to the hospital so fast after Dobey's phonecall. He saw himself sitting next to Starsky's hospital bed, looking down on the pale face that looked so peaceful despite of the tubes that were attached to him. Never before in his life had Hutch felt so alone.
Then he saw Starsky wake up. "HE'S AWAKE! HE'S AWAKE!"
He saw Starsky trying hard to get well.
He saw himself looking at the scars on his partners body and it made him furious, seeing Starsky's tears made him feel so helpless.
When he took Starsky home, he guarded him like a dog. He made sure not to let him out of his sight for a minute. A sixth sense made him extra alert for Starsky's pain, for Starsky's needs; night and day. Starsky needed him.
Hutch had never spend much time thinking about the danger. It was a part of his life as a cop that he had to live with. He had to keep a balance between work and his private life. That's why he took each day as it came, but this time it had been too close. It scared him that he could feel so much for someone, even if that someone was his best friend. Hutch knew what he would feel, when that special 'someone' would no longer be there, it would leave a terrible emptiness inside. He had felt the emptiness, in the hospital room when Starsky was in a coma, when he had the cardiac arrest. It was as if he fell into a black hole and just kept falling and falling. He felt his heart cringe at the memory.
He saw image after image, again, played in slow motion. Hutch rested his head on his knees, engulfed by the intensity of those images. Engulfed by the power of reality. All the energy was drained from his body. That's how Starsky found him and when Hutch looked up into a familiar pair of blue eyes, he knew the masquerade was over. He had no more energy left to keep up the façade. With Starsky holding him it was no longer necessary.
I cried a tear, you wiped it dry
I was confused, you cleared my mind
I sold my soul, you bought it back for me
And held me up and gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me
You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me
And I can't believe it's you
I can't believe it's true
I needed you and you were there
And I'll never leave, why should I leave?
I'd be a fool 'cause I finally found someone who really cares
You held my hand when it was cold
When I was lost you took me home
You gave me hope when I was at the end
And turned my lies back into truth again
You even called me "friend"
You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me, you needed me
You needed me, you needed me
The End
('You Needed Me' Words and Music by Randy Goodrum)
Written by Silverlady-nl, 02/06/2001, Netherlands