Hi all, Okay, this is quite a different energy for me. I don't "Do" angst for our boys without ensuring that it's all going to work out in the end so you can be assured that although the majority of this Fic is pretty heavy, it will have a happy ending (although not sticky sweet).
TRIGGER ALERT: There is an appearance by the spirit of Kurt's deceased mother, so keep this in mind if loss of family member is something that you should avoid. Hurt, depression, emotional turmoil and one sentence alludes to suicidal thoughts so keep self-care in mind if this is difficult for you.
This is AU and while it refers to aspects of season 1 & 2 it is not cannon . Also, I have the McKinley kids back at school after Christmas but before New Years.
Disclaimer: I do not own glee or its characters. Property belongs to Ryan Murphy and Fox.
December 30, 2009 – 8:23 PM
"Kurt? ...Come on son, open the door."
"No! Just- please dad, I just need to be alone tonight. Okay?"
Burt sighed heavily; he could hear the tears coming through Kurt's strained words. Damn it!He hated feeling so helpless, so useless! It was like a wrench twisting in his gut when he finally relented, "Sure kiddo, whatever you need..." He had learned long ago to trust Kurt to know what he needed; even when that meant what he needed was time and space. This being a single parent thing just never got any easier but somehow, together, they muddled through.
"I uhh, I'm here though, you know, if you change your mind... okay?"
There was no answer, he hadn't expected that there would be; just a muffled, choked sob from the other side of the bedroom door. Damn kids! I should call each and every one of their parents and give them a piece of my mind! Burt retreated in defeat back down the hall knowing full well that he would never make those calls; could never make those calls; that if he did, those calls would only result in more torment for his child.
Kurt lay curled up in a tiny ball atop his duvet surrounded by wads of damp, used up Kleenex's. His arms curled around the slushy stained cashmere sweater that he had just been gifted at Christmas. He hated this! Hated those kids, hated living in fear and loneliness and hated himself for being weak, a coward. But most of all, he hated how with each and every vulgar name that he was called or with each icy slushy thrown, he not only lost a little more of himself but unwittingly owned that much more shame. How did he get to this place? Lying in a pool of his own tears and snot wondering how he could be ending yet another year in so much pain and loneliness. What could he possibly look forward to in 2010? His body convulsed as he was racked with another round of soul-destroying sobs.
Oh Momma! Sometimes I need you so badly! Why didn't you just take me with you?
Burt shut off the game throwing the remote roughly onto the side table causing a loud clatter as it slid across the polished wood surface and slammed against the base of the lamp. He couldn't do this. Couldn't just sit here and listen to his kid's heart ripping out of his chest. Burt rose abruptly from his well-worn arm chair, stomping his way to the kitchen to grab a fresh beer and pulling his jacket off the back of the kitchen chair as he made his way out to the garage. It had become an all too common routine for Burt since his wife's death. Hiding out in the car, sometimes praying, sometimes crying, and sometimes even screaming wildly when it all became too much. Kurt wasn't the only one who needed alone time to process his thoughts and emotions.
It had started as a promise to Elizabeth in those final days. She knew him so well, better than he had ever known himself. She had made him promise to grieve, to sob, to feel anger- rage even; to let it all out. She knew it would be the greatest challenge of his life to emotionally support and care for this perfect, fragile little boy while trying to make some sense out of why he had to keep living and soldiering on when half his soul, his very reason for existing was gone. It was probably the best gift that she had left for her boys; that's what she had always called them, 'her boys'.
The first time was that evening after Elizabeth's funeral. Everyone had finally left their home after hours of "I'm so sorry" and "Let us know if you need anything" and "You have to be strong for Kurt now, Elizabeth would want that." How in the hell did they know anything about what Elizabeth wanted? What Elizabeth wanted was to live, to see her baby grow up and have a family of his own, to grow old with her husband! No matter how well-intentioned the sentiments, he had wanted to punch each and every single one of them in the face. Earlier in the evening he had taken Kurt up to bed and held him in his arms until he cried himself to sleep, wrapped in his mother's favourite angora sweater. He had worn it for the past two days straight, over top of his tiny little man suit; and as he cradled his son, Burt had noticed that it still smelled of Beth's favourite perfume. He inhaled deeply, willing his memories of her to materialize.
It was after the door closed behind the final guest and Burt finally sat down in his favourite chair, listening to the deafening silence of the house that he realized how totally and completely alone he was. It was suffocating, paralyzing and he felt the panic welling up in his chest as he realized that his usual stoic facade of manliness and strength was on the cusp of crumbling. He raced out of the house to the garage, putting the key into the ignition. He needed to leave, needed to go somewhere, to escape so that he could shatter into a million pieces...but Kurt... And then it happened. One, single, solitary brazen tear dared to make that forbidden journey. Burt had reached up, feeling for what was suddenly playing at the top of his lip. His rough, oil-stained finger tip came away wet. That was all it took. The tears spilled forth as a river would, breaching its barricade. The sounds that emerged were guttural, savage. He screamed – no words just primal expressions of agony, fists beating repeatedly on the dash until his knuckles were bruised and raw. It was the first of what was to be many nights such as this one.
Over the years these moments of "alone time" became fewer and further between, but when they were a necessity, Burt said a silent prayer of 'Thank You' to his wife for having known just what he would need to survive. And so, here he was once again, heat rising in his cheeks, chest squeezing like a python wrapped around his ribs, eyes stinging with hurt and rage. "God Damn those kids!" he shouted out loud into the darkened interior of his car, hands clenched and twisting around the steering wheel. He collapsed forward, body shaking as the tears flowed freely.
"He's just a kid! God, why? Why do you have to let him suffer so much? Hasn't he been through enough already?" He allowed it all to flow out of him; the anger, the pain, the fear, the helplessness... He knew that it had to be this way; that this was the only way it could be if he wanted to be present for Kurt when his son was finally ready to reach out. And when Kurt was ready, he would be there and he would be strong, like always.
As the tears began to dry and exhaustion set in, Burt slumped back against the driver's seat, depleted.
God Beth, sometimes I just don't know how to do this without you.
It certainly wouldn't have been the first time that Kurt had passed out after one of his much too frequent crying jags. He could feel the darkness closing in, creeping up like a recreant thief, preparing to claim possession of his consciousness. He didn't mind though, he welcomed the escape of the night and was succumbing to the shadows when he heard a long-forgotten voice, wrapping him in loving comfort with a song that emanated from the heart of the darkness.
"...All the stars are in the sky, ready to say good-night,
can't you see your dolly's sleepy too?
Close your drowsy little eyes; Momma will hold you tight,
as she sings this lullaby to you..."
Kurt sighed in his semi-sleepy state; he loved this song and he hadn't heard it in years. It had always made him feel so safe and loved when his –
Suddenly the fog lifted and awareness rushed in. "Momma?" At once, Kurt shot straight up in his bed; eyes opening in shock, heart not daring to hope for what his ears were telling him was true. At the foot of his bed a silver mist hung in the air. It began to shimmer and swirl, to transform and take shape. This cannot be happening... Come on Kurt, pull it togegther; please don't do this to me! But it was happening and from the translucent vapour the figure of a woman began to emerge. Kurt's breath caught in his throat as he gasped; his eyes instantly welling with tears.
"Momma? Oh Momma! What are you – How can you... Oh I miss you so much!"
He threw himself into her arms just as he had when he was a young child all those years ago. She was so beautiful, young and healthy with rosy cheeks and pinked lips. He had never seen her looking so lovely; she was positively ethereal! Kurt wept in her embrace; he wept with joy, wept for all that had been lost, wept for the part of him that knew that this could not last.
"My baby boy, shhhh... Momma's here..." she stroked his hair and delicately wiped the tears from his quivering cheeks. "My sweet Kurt, your heart is so burdened with sadness." Her voice was soft and warm and so filled with concerned love that the mere sound of it, made Kurt feel as though all his walls were starting to crumble.
"Please Momma; if I'm dreaming then just let me sleep forever! I couldn't bear to lose you yet again. I don't want you to leave me! Please, please don't leave me here!" Kurt pleaded desperately, clutching at his mother as if by allowing her out of his grasp, she would melt away into nothingness.
"I've been trying so hard but I, I just feel afraid ALL THE TIME and I'm so lonely. Every day for me is agony and I don't know how to do this when everyone hates me so much! I don't belong in this world anymore; just take me with you, but please don't leave me again!"
Elizabeth gently pushed him away from her body so that she could look into his soulful eyes,
"Sweetheart, I have never left you! I have been with you for every moment of every day that you have taken a breath. My darling angel, I know that you are hurting, I see how sad you are and if I could, I would carry all of your pain for you. I know that this will be very difficult for you to understand but what you must know is that you have an ordained purpose in this life. For you to leave this world would be a tragedy. You will do great things and you will touch the lives of so many people in the most marvelous ways. The moment I left this world is when you stopped believing and I am here to remind you that the Supreme Love of the Creator not only exists in an intangible realm, but it is a part of you, it is you! Trust in this Love, trust in yourself."
Kurt's head was spinning, he wanted to make his mother proud, wanted so much to believe; he just didn't know how.
"I'm so broken down Mum; I know I can't do this alone! And when the time comes that Dad's gone too, I - I just don't know how to do this!"
His mother smiled tenderly and a gentle giggle came from her lips that sounded like the tinkling of bells.
"My darling child, I have seen all that has been and all that is yet to be. I promise that you will not be alone. It is true that there will still be hills to climb but sooner than you may imagine, you will meet your soul mate and for the first time, you will finally know that you are truly home and you will never be alone again. You will have a blessed life together, a true partnership bound by love, beautiful children whom you will treasure and whose eyes will mirror your love when you look deeply into them and a life path that will bring you joy and fulfillment."
Kurt lowered his head and dropped his eyes, shame filling his heart, stealing this precious moment from him like a bandit in the night. With a trembling voice he spoke,
"I'm so sorry Momma, I never wanted to disappoint you... but these things you're telling me, well, they aren't going to happen, they can't happen; not for me anyway. There are things about me that you don't know, things that I didn't even know about myself until after you were gone. I'm not the boy you once knew, I'm not...good. And I won't be allowed to have the things that you just described." The tears started flowing again silently; it was the deepest emptiness that Kurt had ever felt.
"Precious Kurt, look at me." She placed a palm on his cheek and raised his head until his eyes were meeting her own. "There is nothing of you that I do not know and there is no part of you that is not good. The shame is not in who you love, it is in not sharing that love at all."
Kurt's eyes grew wide with incredulity, "You know..." he breathed it out.
His mother smiled knowingly. "When you meet your love for the first time your eyes will connect, your hands will join and the sweetest music that you have ever heard will fill your soul. In due time he will come to know that you are the one that he has been looking for and in return, he will send you courage. Have faith Kurt, you will come to know all I have promised and your world will change for the better. "Take this," Elizabeth reached around to the back of her head and removed an antique silver and crystal sunburst clip from her hair. Kurt had forgotten all about this; his mother had worn it in her warm auburn hair almost every day of his childhood. He used to admire it while sitting in her lap and would imagine that it once belonged to a beautiful maiden who became princess of the land after meeting her handsome prince. She placed the clip into the palm of his hand.
"It is a symbol of my promise to you. Whenever you look at it, you will know that you are destined for greatness and more importantly, that you are destined for a Great Love. Then one day, when the time is right, you will give this to your own daughter and you will tell her the story of this night we shared together."
Kurt clutched the clip in his hand, knowing that nothing would ever be more meaningful, more sacred than this lovely sunburst. "Thank you Momma, I love you so much! And I promise, I promise that I will try to have faith and to trust in all that you have told me. I won't let you down!"
"That's my good boy, I know you won't. I love you my darling Kurt."
And with that, the mist returned, swirling around and enveloping her and suddenly, Kurt's eyes began to betray him, the lids becoming impossibly heavy. He tried so hard to keep them open, not wanting to miss a single sight of his mother, trying to etch her image into his brain to preserve for all of eternity...
A ray of early morning sunlight crept in through the still open curtains of Kurt's bedroom and painted a golden streak across his face. He stirred, moaning for a moment when he tried to open his swollen, aching eyes; a harsh reminder of how he had spent the previous evening. And in case he had forgotten, the still stained sweater and crumpled tissues remained on his bed, taunting him. Blech! What a mess... Kurt rose from the bed, collected the soiled tissues and made his way to his bathroom to survey the damage. Uggg! No amount of moisturizer or Preparation H was going to get rid of these bags in time for Rachel's New Year's Eve party tonight. Hmmph, as if it matters, it's not like I have to look good for anyone special tonight anyway.
Kurt undressed and slipped beneath the steaming shower, allowing the water to pour over his head and down his emotion-tensed body; melting away the trauma of the previous day. It felt good; warm, comforting and he was grateful not to have to rush this. It was as if time stood still when he was alone in the shower and for those few minutes, the rest of the world could cease to exist. He let the water trickle over his face before reaching for the shampoo and lathering his hair. As his fingers massaged, Kurt began to hum absentmindedly to himself. Finally he was rinsing the vanilla-almond foam from his hair and the tune began to take on words,
"...can't you see your dolly's sleepy too..."
Hearing the lyrics pour forth from his mouth caused him to stop singing abruptly as the ghost of a memory almost tried to float to the surface. Where did I hear this? Why is this so familiar? Try as he might, it eluded him; like a mirage appearing to be so tangible but in reality, forever just out of reach. Grabbing a cloth, he wiped the remnants of soap from his eyes. He couldn't place the song, obviously it was for a child but... well, he'd have to figure it out later. The grumbling in his tummy demanded his attention, reminding him that in his self-imposed banishment, he had missed dinner last night. Kurt finished his shower, applied his emergency repair eye serum, dressed and made his way down to the kitchen.
Burt was already sitting at the breakfast table, cup of coffee in hand and staring far off in thought; oblivious to the arrival of his son.
"Morning Dad." Kurt offered almost in a sigh before quickly turning to rummage for a low-fat yogurt and some granola. He knew his father would want to talk about what had happened at school yesterday and Kurt was in no way eager to relive the experience through conversation. He would do it though; it was the deal that he and his father had. Kurt would be permitted his space when needed; however, it was with the understanding that once the initial meltdown had passed and he had regained some degree of composure, he and his dad would share a conversation. Burt liked to call it a 'check-in', a way that he could remain bonded to his son while also assessing if any additional intervention was required. It was never an easy conversation to begin, but if Kurt was honest, he appreciated his father's concern and affection and he really did feel better after one of their talks.
Kurt pulled a chair from the table and slumped down across from his father keeping his head lowered. Shoving one generous spoonful of the mango yogurt into his mouth and swallowing before taking a deep breath and addressing his father hesitantly,
"So..., do you want to do this now? Or..."
There was an unexpected silence that followed and Kurt braved a glance up at his father from under his lashes. The man had not moved, had not changed positions since Kurt's arrival, still staring off into the distance. Kurt cringed when he noticed that he was not the only Hummel sporting red, swollen eyes this morning. "Dad?" Kurt watched as his father's gaze came back into focus, staring intently at him from across the table.
"My God, you look so much like your mother..." Kurt could see that his father's eyes were starting to glisten.
"Dad, are you okay?" Kurt was concerned, this was not at all what he had expected and quite frankly, his dad was kind of freaking him out a bit. A warm smile started to build on Burt's face,
"Yeah kiddo, I'm fine; more than fine actually..." The (what was that? Joy?) on his father's face began to build. "In fact, I'm freakin' fantastic if you wanna know the truth, and you know what else? You will be too!"
Oh wow, it's happening. Wasn't expecting to deal with senility for AT LEAST another 25 years. "Umm, Dad, maybe you should go lie back down for a little while. What do you say? How about I help you back upstairs and we'll tuck you in for a little nap and maybe later we'l –"
The grin on his father's face turned into full out elation. Burt jumped from the table, reaching over to grasp Kurt's hand and ordering him to follow. Tugging Kurt behind him, Burt began to race up the stairs, rambling every step of the way.
"You know, I always talk to her; I mean it's just what we always did and when I don't know what to do about something I know that she'll know and I thought it was just a dream, cuz it's not like it's the first time that I've dreamt about her but this time it was different somehow, this time it was like she was really there – really here and oh my God Kurt, she was so beautiful! I mean she was just glowing! And not like in a euphemism kind of way, like in the REAL way and I was so worried about you and I begged her, BEGGED her to switch places with me because you . need . your . mom, you know? And most of the time I don't know what the hell I'm doing and I feel like I'm always screwing up but she showed me –"
They were now at the top of the stairs and Burt suddenly whipped around, grasping Kurt's shoulders and boring his gaze into Kurt's sea-blue eyes. "She showed me Kurt, she showed me everything! And it's fading so fast, but I remember how it felt and what I do know, is that you and me kid, we're going to be so much better than just fine!" a smile beaming across his face.
Kurt's head was reeling; his father's words triggering barely there images that ghosted in and out of clarity. How was this possible that he and his father were having a shared mental break-down? Burt led his son to his own room and gently pushed him to sit on the edge of the bed capturing his eyes with a wild intensity.
"Every day; I know that Every Day you go through hell and you have to know that if there was anything I could do to stop it, if I could give my life for you to stop it, I would Kurt!"
Kurt merely nodded his head slowly in understanding, feeling the familiar prickling starting behind his eyes.
"Kurt, there's something I want you to have, something that I think your Ma would want you to have." Burt turned away and Kurt watched as his father pulled open the drawer to what had once been his mother's night-table. His father reached in and when he withdrew his hand, Kurt could see that contained within it was a tightly wrapped azure silk handkerchief. Burt reached for Kurt's hand and placed the offering in his palm.
"This belonged to your mother, in fact, originally it was your grandma's. I think it's time for you to have it; it deserves to be seen and appreciated, not hidden away... kinda like you. "
Kurt's eyes grew wide and he looked from the blue silk bundle in his hand to meet with the loving gaze in his father's eyes. "Well go on now, unwrap it!" Burt urged excitedly, sounding like a child who had just presented a parent with a homemade gift on Christmas morning.
Kurt hesitated, his stomach tightened, why was he feeling so nervous? With slow reverence, Kurt pulled back the silk corners one by one, revealing the treasure so long hidden. He simply stared at it as tears spilled over the rims of his eyes.
"Kurt?" It was not the response that Burt would have anticipated. In a bit of a panic, he raced to try and explain his intentions. "I thought you might like it, you know, cuz it reminds me of all that other fancy stuff you like to wear and I just thought that you might want to wear it to Rachel's party tonight so that you would have a part of your Ma with you when the clock struck midnight. Maybe it will bring you luck or something for a better year."
Sitting in the palm of Kurt's hand was an antique silver and crystal sunburst ornamentation. The words came back to him in a flood;
'It is a symbol of my promise to you... you are destined for a Great Love... when the time is right, you will give this to your own daughter and you will tell her the story of this night.'
Kurt started full-out sobbing, but was he smiling too? Burt was very confused but he continued on anyway.
"I mean, I know she use to wear it in her hair but it's actually a broach, see?" Burt demonstrated as he turned it over and back in Kurt's hand. I mean you could wear it on your sweaters or the lapel of your trendy jackets or pin it to one of your fancy hats..." Burt was at a loss as the tears continued to flow. "But hey, you don't have to wear it at all if you don't want to... you can, you know, keep it as a memento or something..."
Kurt looked from the broach back up to his father, springing from his seat on the bed and tightly wrapping his arms around his father's mid-section, burying his tear-moistened face in the man's chest. Burt gasped out a burst of air from the sudden unexpected pressure.
"Whoa! Easy there kiddo! You alright? What gives?"
Kurt was laughing and crying and sniffling and he couldn't remember the last time that he had felt this happy or this completely loved. Burt held him close, not sure what else he could do.
"Thank you Dad, thank you so much! I love it! I love the broach more than you could ever possibly imagine! You have no idea what this means to me! Oh, and of course, you! I love you too!"
Burt chuckled to himself, Yup that's my boy, a drama queen through and through! Burt gave his son an extra squeeze, savouring this moment of connection before replying, "I love you too son."
And as Kurt looked back down at the broach, for the first time in years, he knew, yes actually knew, that everything really was going to be just fine!
Epilogue...
It wasn't long before Kurt's torment resumed back at McKinley after the holidays. In fact, when Kurt moved up to the 11th grade, it had become so much worse. The name calling and frigid slushies were bad enough, but the football meat-head Karofsky had made it his personal mission to destroy Kurt, piece by piece; physically, emotionally and mentally. There was however, one single bright spot in Kurt's life – In the first week of November, while on a not-so clandestine mission to spy on The New Direction's main competition, Kurt had unexpectedly made a new friend (who also happened to be gay) by the name of Blaine Anderson. Knowing that there was another person out there whom he could talk to and who could relate to his fears and pain in a way that no one else ever had, somehow made all the rest of it, well, not easier but at least more bearable.
Kurt had shared with Blaine how paralyzed with fear he was and how helpless he had felt in response to Karofsky's escalating violence. Blaine had encouraged Kurt to do what he himself had never had the strength to do; to confront his bully as a means of taking back some of his power. The day after their conversation, Kurt was walking down the halls of McKinley, contemplating his time spent with Blaine, even allowing himself a moment to consider the possibility that maybe, just maybe one day, Blaine would be more than just a friend and mentor. It was at this moment that Kurt felt the familiar sensation of his cell phone vibrating in his pocket. He pulled it out to discover that Blaine had left him a new text message. He smiled to himself and his heart fluttered ever so slightly as he opened the in-box.
It was one word; just one little word but in that moment, Kurt knew that his life would never be the same and more importantly, he knew that he would never be alone again.
A foggy memory of a distant dream from almost one year ago played in his mind...
"In due time he will come to know that you are the one that he has been looking for and in return, he will send you... COURAGE".
A/N: See? I promised lots of angst with a happy ending that wasn't a 'oh my teeth are hurting!' kind of ending!
Okay, lay it on me...I love reviews and constructive criticism
*holding breath, squinting eyes* I can take it! :-)
And if you, like me, prefer Sweet Klaine Romance, try "Visa Granted"
Klaine Romance mixed with humour and Sweet Smut, try "Diner's Delight" (yummy)
And for a little bit of everything, "Can You Handle the Truth"