Anders inhales deeply as he slowly returns to the waking world with happy and content smile on his face. For three years he has lain awake at night aching for Hawke loving her from a distance believing he never had a chance. But here he is in her room after having made love to her all night. He has been with many people but none of it compared to being with Hawke.
He reaches over to the other side of the bed searching for Hawke only to find it cold and empty. His eyes snap open and he turns his head to look over at the empty cold space next to him before he begins searching the room for her when he finds her pacing in front of the fire. Worry begins to gnaw at his stomach when he sees her pacing quickly back and forth in front of the fire but when he catches a glimpse of her face his heart plummets to his stomach. He can see the disgust, shame and regret on her face. He fights back tears that burn his eyes as he slowly sits up never taking his eyes off of her but she either doesn't notice him or she is just ignores him because she doesn't even look in his direction. He is going to go with she is ignoring him. He takes a deep calming breath before he gets off the bed and finds his clothes dressing slowly trying to delay the inevitable.
After he is completely dressed he walks up to the pacing Hawke who finally stops and looks at him. It is a punch to the gut to see the disgust, shame and regret on her face up close. He tires thinking of something witty to say but words fail him which is a good thing because he is sure he wouldn't be able to speak around the lump forming in his throat.
"Anders you were a mistake," Marian says looking at the mage in front of her feeling as miserable as he looks.
Anders legs almost give out from under him when he hears this. Suddenly he is no longer a grown man standing in front of the woman he loves being rejected but a twelve year old boy. He is again twelve years old chained like a criminal surrounded by armed and armored men waiting for the tiniest of reasons to cut him down staring up at his father silently begging him to save him to forgive but he sees no forgiveness only hate. His father is glaring at down at him with such hate that he can almost taste it before spitting in Anders face growling, "You were a mistake. I should have drowned you the day you were born,"
Anders is brought back to the present when Hawke begins shaking him roughly by his shoulders shouting, "You can't tell anyone about this! It was a mistake that shouldn't have happened! You have to swear to me you will never tell anyone!"
Anders didn't think his heart could break anyone but he was wrong his heart just shattered. He barely keeps his tears from falling as he nods his head in a silent promise never to speak of this night. Hawke shakes her head violently side to side causing her short hair to whip around her head as she screams, "Say it! Swear you will never tell anyone! Say it!" then she shoves him with all her considerable strength into the mantel of the fireplace. He hits the stone mantel so hard he hears several of his vertebrates crack and he is sure she has broken or bruised a couple of his ribs. She continues slamming him into the stone mantel and screaming at him to swear it he won't tell anyone when he hears another loud crack and knows she broke at least one of his ribs. He knows if she keeps doing this she is going to kill him.
"I swear!" Anders finally says in a loud pain filled rasp. For several seconds he fears she didn't hear him over her screaming as she slams him into the mantel a few more times and he is about to swear to her again before she pulls him away from the fireplace and shoving him toward the door. He stumbles and falls to the ground trying to breathe but each breath causes white hot pain to shoot though his body radiating from between his shoulders where there is most likely broken ribs and cracked vertebrate.
Hawke sighs in relief before she says, "Good. Now leave and use the cellar entrance I don't want anyone seeing you,"
It takes Anders several long seconds to push himself up and make his way slowly out of the room with Hawke's impatient voice telling him to hurry and get out of her house. He wants to snap that he can't but know it would only make things worse for himself so he keeps quiet and tires too move a little faster to the door and over the threshold of the room and out onto the landing. He is barely out the door when Hawke slams it behind him causing him to jump in surprise causing the pain in his back to double which almost causes him collapse to the floor. He able to keep himself from falling to the ground by leaning heavily against the doorjamb taking small shallow breathes as he holds as still as possible for a minute waiting for the physical pain to subside before gently pushing himself away from doorjamb and begins walking toward the stairs.
Three years later:
Hanged Man.
Fenris walks up the stairs to Varric's suit for the weekly night of cards and drinking. He cannot help but smiles to himself knowing that the abomination will not be there just as he had not been to any of their card nights in the last three years. He does not know why the abomination has not been coming to their card night and he does not care but this day has been his favorite for the last three years. As he reaches, the top of the stairs he slows down when hears Hawke speaking to someone probably Varric. He continues up the stairs not thinking of their conversation until he hears Hawke say, "I did something stupid Varric and I can't keep it to myself anymore. It's eating me alive I have to tell someone,"
"What's wrong Hawke? What did you do that was so bad that it has been "eating you alive"," Varric asks as he sits back in his chair crossing his arms over his chest.
Fenris walks the rest of the way up the stairs and quickly makes his way across the hall way and leans against the wall next to the door and listens for Hawke's response. He knows he shouldn't ease drop but he can't help it he needs to know what is wrong with Hawke so he can help her through it.
"I was just so hurt when he left. I loved him and thought we were going to be happy but he left," Hawke pauses with a sigh before she continues, "I so hurt and lonely that I did something beyond stupid. A week after Fenris left me I slept with Anders,"
"What so wro…" The rest of what Varric was going to say is cut off by the unmistakable voice of Fenris cursing loudly in Tevinter before they hear the pounding of his feet against the filthy floor of the Hanged Man.
"Shit. He is going to Anders," Hawke yells as she jumps up from her chair and starts out of the room after the irate elf.
Varric watches the retreating form of Hawke in shock and cannot stop the thrill of fear that shoots though his body. He likes Blondie in fact the mage is his best friend. He quickly jumps off his chair and starts out of the room and not for the first time in his life curses his short dwarvens legs. He bursts out of the Hanged man and into the street and starts making his way as quickly as he can toward Dark Town. When he hears a voice behind him shouting his name he stops and almost collapse in relief when he recognizes the voice of Carver. He spins around and starts running toward the Templar.
Fenris rushes toward Dark Town seeing red ignoring whoever is behind him calling out his name, he needs to get to Dark Town that abomination has gone too far. The abomination touched what is his and he was going to die for it!
Clinic.
Anders sighs tiredly as he finishes putting away the last of the unused bandages he is looking forward to a good night's sleep. After years of sleepless or restless nights he was finally sleeping restfully through the night no nightmares no dreams thanks to a sleeping draught he found in an old Tevinter potions book. The draught not only allowed him to actually sleep it also kept Justice quiet and pushed to the very back of his mind where he could do no damage while Anders slept now if only he could find a way to keep Justice subdued all the time. He starts toward his room to get ready for bed but he only gets half way to his room before he spins around calling his magic to his hand when his door was kicked open only for the magic to sputter out in shock when he sees an enraged Fenris standing in his doorway breathing heavily and gearing hatefully at him. Before he can call on his magic again Fenris rushes across the room grabbing him by the throat with one hand while the other sinks into his chest as the elf physically picks him up and slams him into the cabinet behind him. He tries calling on Justice for help begging the spirit to help him but the spirit doesn't answer him as he claws uselessly at the gauntlet-covered hand choking the life out of him.
Fenris snarls in Anders' face as he growls, "You have made your last mistake abomination!" He smiles when Anders lets out a strangled wheeze breathe as he begins squeezing the mage's heart.
"Fenris…don't!" Hawke cries out between gasps of breath as she leans heavily on the doorway of the clinic.
If Anders could have he would have sighed in relief at hearing Hawke's voice as he turns his head as much as he can to look at the warrior in his doorway.
Fenris looks over his shoulder at Hawke before he turns back to glare at Anders as he growls, "Do not try and stop me Hawke! He deserves to die for what he did to you,"
Hawke takes several deep breaths until her breathing is back to normal as she pushes herself off the doorway. She walks toward the two men slowly as she says, "Fenris don't do this. It was a mistake. iHE/i was a mistake. You don't need to kill him for that,"
Anders thought having Fenris' hand inside his chest squeezing his heart was painful but to have the fact that his vary existence is a mistake thrown back in his face once again is unbearable and if he could talk he would beg Fenris to kill him to put an end his pain now.
"Give me a reason why I shouldn't kill this abomination," Fenris growls as he looks at Hawke over his shoulder.
"We need him, Fenris. He is the only healer we have. He's too useful to kill," Hawke says patiently as she takes a step toward Fenris and Anders. She keeps her eyes on Fenris so she misses the look of utter pain and heart break on the mage's face, not that it would have mattered to her if she had seen it.
Anders hands drop to his side as tears fill his eyes, all he ever was to any of these people, all the mundane in his life, he was only a useful tool not a person. He had thought that they were different. He had thought he had finally been accepted and had real friends but he has only been fooling himself. After all none of them had ever come down to talk to him unless they needed healing and none had questioned why he hadn't been to any of their weekly card games in three years. He had just been fooling himself now he can see clearly he was nothing to them. He is just a thing to use when they needed him then thrown away when he was no longer useful. He is disappointed when Fenris lets of his throat and removes his hand in his chest, without taking his heart, as he slides to the ground coughing and gasping for air. He looks up enough to see Fenris and Hawke in a passionate embracing completely ignoring him. Treating him like he isn't even there, of course they would do that, he is nothing. He should have got that when Hawke almost killed him while making him promise never to tell anyone they had been together. That promise must have only been one sided.
The pain of realizing he meant so little to all the people he had once considered his friends was a lie was so intense that he can barely draw breathe. The realization that their friendship had only been a delusion on his part is beyond anything he had ever felt before, not even killing Karl had been this painful. He can't stop the tears as they start running down his face nor can he stop the sobs that escape his lips. After a few seconds he collapse completely to the ground sobbing uncontrollably and for the first time in his life he really thinks about turning himself into the circle and begging to be made tranquil just to escape the pain.
Fenris and Hawke walk out of the clinic hand-in-hand smiling like fools without some much as a backward glance at the man sobbing on the ground. As walk out of the clinic they decide to forgo cards tonight and just spend the night in, to reaffirm their relationship. As they quickly make their way to the Darktown entrance to Hawke's mansion hands still clasped truly happy for the first time in three years.