Lights up. We hear the famous Jeopardy! Theme music play, and see a gigantic 6x6 board, and 4 podiums, one next to the board, and three directly across from said board. Alex Trebek stands at the podium next to the board.
Trebek: Hello, and welcome to Celebrity Jeopardy! I could have sworn we were done with this, but, apparently, yesterday's episode ranked all too well in the Nielsen Ratings, so, I stand before you, a broken, and miserable man. Anyway, lets take a look at the scores. Our first contestant, Grimlock from the Transformers (Camera cuts to Grimlock) is currently third with -$6000.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock am here to munch metal!
Trebek: Of course you are. In close second, with -$ 4800 is Word Girl. (Camera pans over to Word Girl)
Word Girl: Odd. I was sure I was going to dominate that Vocabulary category! Must be some Lexonite around here. (Scans the area)
Trebek: And, in 1st with -$900, is, Lord help us all, its Sean Connery. (Camera cuts to Sean. Audience lets up a cheer.)
Sean: So, we meet again Trebek.
Trebek: -$900...I'm pretty sure that was Word Girl's score.
Sean: I scored even better with your mother last night! (Laughs)
Trebek: For the last time, my mother is in a retirement home in Alberta, Canada, and I'd greatly appreciate it if you leave her out of this.
Sean: Oh, she's retired all right, to my bedroom! (Roars with laughter)
Trebek: (sighs) Lets just get this over with. (Board fill sound as camera cuts to the game board.) Your categories for Double Jeopardy! are: Sounds that Kitties make, Colors ending in -urple, U.S. States, Famous Flicks, The Nicer Ear, that category being about classical music, and Hot or Cold. Grimlock, you're in last place, so, we'll start with you.
(Camera cuts to Grimlock) Grimlock: Hmmm. Me Grimlock pick Hot or Cold for $400!
(Camera cuts to the board, which then has a $400 monitor reveal the clue.)
Trebek: Answer. The iced drink known as Lemonade is good for a hot day. Is Lemonade Hot or Cold? (Sean buzzes in) Sean Connery. (Camera cuts to Sean.)
Sean: I'll show you what's hot! (Flashes a picture of Trebek's mother.) That's what! (Snickers)
Trebek: No. (Grimlock buzzes. Camera switches to him) Grimlock?
Grimlock: Iced lemonades are hot!
Trebek: Also incorrect. (Grimlock buzzes.)
Grimlock: Me Grimlock sorry. What are iced lemonades are hot?
Trebek: Still incorrect. (Timer sounds) The correct response was, what is cold? Grimlock, you're still in control.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock pick Famous Flicks!
Trebek: For how much?
Grimlock: $10,000!
Trebek: Mr. Connery, I know I'll regret this, but pick a category.
Sean: I'll take The Nice Rear for $800.
Trebek: That's The Nicer Ear, not The Nice Rear. The answer is: This Piece of music by Vivaldi was composed in four concertos; Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter.
(Word Girl rings in.)
Trebek: Word Girl?
Word Girl: 1812 overture! (Smiles confidently)
Trebek: No.
(Timer.)
Trebek: (sighs) Apparently, no one got it. Not even Word Girl, the smart-aleck super heroine! Connery, pick again.
Sean: I'll take the Nice Rear for $600! (Laughs)
Trebek: (annoyed) Once again, it's the Nicer Ear. Lets just do Colors that end in -urple for $600.
(Buzzer.)
Trebek: What now?
Grimlock: Me Grimlock think RC has nice rear. (Sean chuckles)
Sean: I'll wager that if I'd said Word Girl's rear that'd send you spinning! (Roars with Laughter)
Word Girl: What'd you say, Connery? How about if I started making jokes about agent Triple X's rear? Huh? How would you like that?
(Everyone is silent; thunderstruck that Word Girl could even go that far.)
Trebek: Moving onto Final Jeopardy! The category is, you know what? Just write someone you like!
(Jeopardy music plays. Word Girl and Connery scribble franticly, whilst Grimlock proceeds to devour his podium.)
Lights up.
Trebek: Ok, lets see what mess you've made of this one. Mr. Grimlock, we'll start with you... and you apparently ate your podium.
Grimlock: Me said me here to munch metal!
Trebek: Word Girl, you wrote, Captain HuggyFace. Ok, we'll accept that, and you wagered, that you'd better get points for your answer. I'm stunned. And, last and most certainly least, lets see what you've done, Sean.
Sean: Come on, let's see it! Lets see my genius!
Trebek: You wrote, my name, how nice. And your wager, is a ******! Dear God, that's awful! Someone blur that out!
Word Girl: Watch it! There are ladies present!
Sean: Screw you, smart-ass!
Word Girl: Excuse me? What did you just call me? (Balls a fist and turns to face Connery)
Trebek: (as Sean and Word Girl fight) Oh, brother. Well once again, no one won. Thanks for tuning in, and now, if you'll excuse me, I have a fight to break up.
Lights fade.