Title: Tears Of An Angel
Author : AgentPufferfish
Fandom: Supernatural
Pairing: Dean/Castiel - Castiel/Dean. Mentions of Sam/Gabriel - Gabriel/Sam
Rating: T-rated
Summary: "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." But how could something that felt so good be wrong at all? Dean/Castiel. Slash.
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural which all of you probably already knew...
..I found a picture of Castiel where he says "forgive me, for I have sinned," and that line gave me this idea. While being in school I listened to the song "Tears of an angel" and since that title fit my story, I decided to use it..
That day when he met Dean for the time in the old, abandoned warehouse, wasn't the first he laid eyes upon the green eyed hunter. You see, some years back when Dean was still only at the end of his teen years, it was there Castiel saw Dean for the first time.
The blue eyed angel had been restless for the first time in such a long time and he was just moving around in Heaven, watching the humans with fascinated eyes, and it was then his marine blue eyes saw that beautiful human being. Immediately as he laid eyes upon that being it felt like something grabbed his whole being and shook him violent, but it didn't feel bad. Castiel didn't actually know what it felt like, but he knew it wasn't a bad feeling.
He wanted to go see the human, talk to him, but his Father hadn't given him the orders and besides, he hadn't found the right vessel yet and he couldn't risk going down to the human world. One, because his Father wouldn't allow it without a better reason, and two, because he wasn't sure if the human could lay eyes on the celestial being without his dazzling, green eyes getting burned out of his face.
Angels wasn't created like humans; they were created without bodies, they just were there, like a whisper in the wind, or a sense of security. His Father created them without a proper form. If humans laid eyes on them they would just look like a bright glow that would blind you in one second. But because they had these forms, they were able to take a human body and use it as their own body so they could walk among humans. Of course that human had to say yes to them before they could.
But when he for the first time saw that beautiful hunter stand there up against a car while he waited for his brother who stood and chatted with his newest friend, also the only one the youngest Winchester had gotten on that school. Castiel knew that the two Winchesters would leave later that day, they were just waiting for their father to come and pick them up after his latest hunt.
But since that day he for the first time laid his blue eyes on the young hunter, Dean Winchester, he kept watching the boy, day after day, feeling the same pull in his celestial being. He watched the young boy grow into a man, he watched him become stronger and better at everything he did. Castiel felt like watching was enough, but that was until the man was sent to hell, and after a lot of talking and bickering between the angels whom he called his brothers and sisters, they finally agreed that it was Castiel who would be the one to pull the man back to Earth, to the world of mankind.
Castiel did as he was told, just like he always did. He continued to follow his orders and to do everything he was told, but it became harder and harder as the days went by. He felt the same pull in his vessel, the same pulls he always had felt when he was in his real form watching the hunter. But this time the strong, beating pull was in his vessel's heart, Castiel's heart.
His brothers and sisters in Heaven began to doubt him and his judgement. They said that his feelings for the human in his charge got him to doubt their order, which Castiel knew was true. He had strong feelings that he did not understand, he just knew that a life without Dean was a life not worth living.
In the beginning everything was confusing, human emotions was something he did not understand, something he had never learned when he siblings had through the ages. It surprised him a little when he thought about it. Why hadn't he taken time to learn the feelings and emotions of the human being now that he had existed in several thousands years? He knew what emotions were called and was some of them did to mankind, but didn't know what it was like to feel them.
He had asked one of his oldest brothers, Gabriel, what these pulls and grabs in his heart meant. At first Gabriel wasn't sure but he said he had an idea of what those pulls meant. He asked for more information about these pulls and grabs, and Castiel told him everything, when it began, what happened when it began and why it all started. Everything there came to his mind. And all his answers lead to Dean Winchester.
"You're in love, my dear bro," was the words his brother spoke to him.
Castiel knew about love. Love was what him and his brothers and sisters felt for God, a holy passion burning through them. He knew that parents loved their children more than anything, and that a man and a women was destined to fall in love and create a family. He just didn't understand what it felt like to be in love. It confused him. Love in Heaven was pure and holy, but he knew human love was different. There was sins, like lust in a human relationship.
But the one thing that had him most confused was that Dean was a male. Yes, angels didn't have a gender, but Castiel was still in a male body and Castiel knew two men weren't supposed to lay in each others arms. He had heard it so many times before, it was wrong. It also went against his Father's ideas and rules. Two men being in love was a sin. It was wrong.
Castiel was supposed to only love his Father, but yet his brother claimed that he was indeed in love with the green eyed hunter.
"I can't be," had been the marine blue eyed angel's answer.
"But you are. Madly and deeply. You've fallen hard, bro." Gabriel's words continued to run through him even after the archangel had left him alone, leaving him in nothing but pure confusion.
After days left alone, ignoring calls from the two Winchesters, he begun studying the way a man and a women were together and then a relationship between to men. He looked into their souls and read their love for each other. He quickly discovered that the only difference in those relationships was that there was two men in one relationship and only one man in the other. The love in both relationships were similar. It was pure, happiness and full of passion, there was also lust, but apparently that was normal for humans to feel.
Now Castiel earnest began to think different. His siblings did not want him to lead, they wanted him to remain in the background, yet he could not follow that order. He had to see Dean as often as possible, which was almost everyday. He was in love with the man with the beautiful, green eyes, but he also loved his father. The two loves varied widely, and Castiel had always known that he was only to love his Father, God and nobody else. The number one priority in an angel's life was God.
But his love for Dean was big and it felt bigger than anything else.
He felt ashamed of himself. How could he love someone more than his father? A human even. Yes, God had taught them that they should love mankind, but not this way. Castiel had sinned. He was in love with a human.
"There is nothing wrong with being in love with a man," Gabriel had told him after Castiel had finally figured out his feelings and called on his brother. "Love is normal for a human being, and you are more human than angel now." It was true, his grace has begun disappearing slowly as the time went by, as he rebelled more, and he did it all for Dean.
Although Castiel hated the idea of being a human more than anything, he felt it was easier to love Dean as a man than as an angel. "What should I do, brother?" The despair in his blue eyes were big and Gabriel could see it so clearly.
"Tell him." After those words Gabriel disappeared again, and when Castiel once again saw him, weeks had gone by and the blue eyed angel still hadn't said a thing to the green eyed hunter.
Gabriel joined Team Free Well which Dean had called their little group of the three men, the ex-blood junkie, one dropout with 6 bucks to his name, Mr. Comatose and now the runaway. It was a joke, but Castiel felt it was easier to say the group name instead of saying Sam, Dean, himself and Gabriel. Gabriel joined and for the first time in a long time Castiel felt so much better since his grace had begun disappearing from him.
While the blue eyed angel stood outside the newest motel room they lived in, he looked up at the many thousands of sparkling stars and the forever shinning, white moon hanging beautifully in the middle of the dark night sky. It was full, but for once, they weren't out hunting werewolves.
A sound of bashing wings came from his right side. Castiel did not even have to look to know who it was. "You should tell him, bro." Gabriel's voice was as mischievous as ever, but Castiel didn't mind at the moment, he liked having his brother with him again. Now he didn't feel so lonely.
"No, for I have sinned enough already." Castiel turned his head, tilted it a bit toward his shoulder while his blue eyes saw right through his brother. His own spoken words made his human heart break into hundreds of pieces. There was nothing more he wanted than to tell the green eyed hunter his true feelings, but he couldn't. Castiel was an angel and Dean was a man.
"I've told you, bro, you are more human than angel right now." Castiel chose to ignore the words, even though Gabriel was right. He wasn't much of an angel anymore. He felt tired and he was hungry all the time.
"But it is against Father's wishes," replied Castiel in a sad voice.
"Don't care about him, Cass, care about yourself for once. What do you feel? What do you want? Eh, bro?" Gabriel smirked as he sent Castiel a teasing wink. "Think 'bout that while I go hunt my own little hunter." And then his brother disappeared with the sound of moving wings.
Castiel knew Gabriel had a thing for the younger Winchester, Sam and Gabriel did not mind to not hide their feelings for each other. But that was the archangel Gabriel and Castiel wasn't Gabriel. The archangel didn't care about what other thought.
His chest hurt. It hurt so much that he just wanted to scream. He put a hand over his vessel's chest and felt the heart beat loud against his chest. Such pain shouldn't be allowed at all. Castiel was beginning to understand why mankind did so many crazy and stupid things when they were in love. If they felt such pain it was indeed understandable in his marine blue eyes, and he didn't know how they could take the pain.
His breath got caught in his lungs when he in surprise heard the door next to him open, and when he saw who was there, the pain in his chest grew more than ever. It was Dean and he looked annoyed as he walked out and when he noticed Castiel the annoyed look didn't change one bit.
"There you are," said Dean, leaning against the wall on the other side of the door and crossed his arms over his strong chest. What Castiel didn't want to give to be allowed to let his hands run smoothly up on that beautiful, strong, tanned chest. He quickly shook those thoughts away again when the hunter continued speaking. "I had to get out of there! Your fucking brother is really annoying! He just couldn't keep his hands to himself! He kept touching Sammy." Dean growled as the irritated expression was on his otherwise so handsome face. "Anyway, what are you doing out here?"
The ex-angel (he had begun calling himself that since he really wasn't an angel anymore) turned his head to look away from Dean again. Just the sight of the hunter broke his heart in thousand pieces like a shattered window. "I needed some air," Castiel said while he hid his hands down in the pockets of the trench coat he always wore over the black suit.
"For an hour?" Dean asked, his voice told Castiel that he did not believe him and Castiel wasn't sure why. When his head titled toward his shoulder and his eyes moved back to rest on the hunter, added Dean irritated, "you have been out here for an hour!"
Had it already been an hour? Castiel hadn't noticed that. Where he found himself right now it seemed as if everything stood still, that he had to suffer this pain forever. "I hadn't noticed that, Dean."
"No shit Sherlock," Dean muttered. It sounded as if his hunter was stressed, but it was understandable. The green eyed hunter and his brother hadn't gotten much sleep in the last few days because of the hunt they were on. Which meant neither of them had the time to win money in that human game called poker, a game Castiel did not understand. But because of money shortages, they lacked of food. Gabriel hadn't been there in two weeks so he couldn't conjure food for them and since Castiel didn't really have any angelic power, well..
"Sorry." As soon as the word escaped between Castiel's rose colored lips Dean's green eyes turned from hard 'till soft. His whole face now held a gentle and calm expression.
"Don't apologize, Cass. It's fine. Actually it's me who should apologize, I haven't really treated you or Sam good in the past few days." Dean shook his head and sighed deeply. He took a deep breath and blew out again as if he was trying to clear his mind. Then green eyes met with navy blue again, "are you ok, Cass?" He asked in a more worried tone.
A smile spread out on the ex-angel's red lips and then Castiel looked back straight ahead at the parking lot in front of them. His eyes spotted Dean's beloved Impala. See, that was another love Castiel couldn't understand; the love Dean held for his car was incomprehensible in Castiel's eyes. How could someone love a car?
"Cass?"
He could feel his eyes began to sting and after that everything turned into blurry spots in front of him. Castiel had hear Dean say his name, but he choose not to answer the hunter which was mostly because he couldn't find his voice. Afraid that if he used it, everything would just turn into a lump of confusion and perhaps confessions he didn't want to share.
"Cass, you're crying."
The ex-angel hadn't noticed, but when he let his hand run over his cheek, he could feel it's wetness. His fingers ran over his cheek and continued to his chin were he felt a soft drop on his finger, it was his tear. "Oh, I believe I am." His voice shook and the same went with his whole body.
"Why?" Dean had moved closer to him, he stood close in front of the ex-angel. Green eyes bored straight into Castiel's blue ones. When he didn't answer Dean asked why again.
Castiel looked down at his shoes, suddenly they looked so interesting, but in reality it was because he couldn't come face to face with Dean. "For I have sinned," he replied with a shaky voice. His face didn't meet the hunter's when he replied.
"What? Why?" The hunter sounded confused and Castiel understood that, his response hadn't been exactly straightforward.
And it was then, his blue eyes met with Dean's. "For I feel in love with a man." He let his feathered wings fly out of his back, (at least he still had the ability to fly) let them flap twice before leaving the ground beneath him. All that passed in a human second, so for Dean it was like he just disappeared with the blink of his eyes. He did it only because he didn't want to tell the hunter more than he already had told him. While flying faster than a human eye could see, he could here Dean calling his name and almost felt the regret of leaving him.
Truth to be told, he wanted to tell Dean about his feelings, he really did, it was just that couldn't. What if Dean didn't feel the same way for him? Castiel wasn't sure he could deal with the knowledge that Dean knew about his feelings and did not love the ex-angel back. He couldn't live with the idea of Dean pretending he didn't know about Castiel's feelings, and what if Dean hated him for feeling like this?
Not only that, it was also against his Father. Just thinking about being in love with a human male was against the words of his Father, but to say it aloud, Castiel feared that if he did Dean would get hurt. At least his Father couldn't kill Dean because without Dean Michael would be without a vessel.
Castiel landed again when he was at the harbor, the one Anna had met him at before she was taken away.
For as long as he could remember, the sea always made him feel calm if something had upset. It had been like that way before he met Dean in the warehouse, way before he saw Dean from Heaven when Dean was still in his late teenager years, way before World War II.
He liked to listen to the calm waves while his marine blue eyes looked out at the big, blue mystery his father had created. The sea held so many secrets and so much life. It was bigger than a lot of other things and it held mysteries, questions and dangers of every kind.
He rested his hands on the railing while he placed most of his weight into his arms and in that way held him up on his feet, keeping him from falling to the ground. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." His voice only a soft whisper in the wind.
The street lamp that hung above him began to flicker, it made an annoying buzzing noise, but Castiel chose to think that it wasn't important right now for he had just told Dean Winchester, that he was in love with a human male and how many human males did he know, right? Dean knew that Castiel didn't know many humans, only three males which was Sam, Bobby and Dean himself.
A feeling told him that Dean had it all figured out now, that Castiel the ex-angel was deeply and terribly in love with a certain green eyed hunter, and it wasn't Sam.
"Shit." That was a word Dean had tought him to use in such situations.
How could he have let those words go free? Now Dean either hated him, ignored Castiel's feelings as if he never had heard them, that they didn't even exist or he would return the ex-angels feelings. It was no secret that Castiel was voting for the third of the three choices.
But what should he do now? Go back to the motel and meet face to face with his love or stay here and hope that the rest of Team Free Will would forget him? Number two would never happen because the two green eyed hunters had Gabriel on their side and Gabriel could find Castiel in a second. And if Castiel knew Gabriel as well as he thought, he knew that his honey-eyed brother would never let him live out number two. Gabriel would probably show up in a few minutes and drag him back to the rest of Team Free Will.
Since when had he turned into such a coward?
Castiel sighed and shook his head before he let it fall forward and his blue eyes met with the dark blue depths beneath him.
He could almost hear his human heart beating while a confused look was on his face. Eyes staring down at the water's dark surface. He knew when it had all began, he slowly turned into a coward when his grace slowly began being taking away from him. As a human he was no longer indestructible, he was mortal, vulnerable and weak. And he had feelings. Human feelings.
As he had expected, the sound of beating wings sounded suddenly behind him. Another sigh escaped from his mouth.
"Since when did my brothers start to flee?" Sounded Gabriel's now irritated voice behind him. He must have heard what happened from Dean.
Castiel didn't look at him as he replied, "since I fell in love. I can not tell him, Gabriel, I'm afraid he will reject my feelings. I'm afraid to live knowing he doesn't return my feelings or that he hates me." He could feel the tears rise up in his eyes for the second time that day.
"What a idiot you are, but alright. Dean, take care of my baby brother." The sound of beating wings sounded in a split second and then there was silence.
Had Castiel just heard what he thought he heard? Dean, take care of my brother brother. The words ran through his already full mind. His heart pounded wildly in his human chest, it felt like he was about to explode. Sweat, since he was suddenly feeling extremely nervous, began to shine on his tan skin. Dean stood right behind him. He could feel it clearly as the breeze against his face, and the words Gabriel had used just proved his point.
With a nervous movement he turned around and Dean Winchester was, in fact right behind him.
"Hello, Dean," was the only thing he could think of saying in that moment.
The hunter blinked, his whole face wore the famous what-the-fuck Dean expression. Green eyes large, rosy lips parted and raised eyebrows. "Hello? Hello, Dean! Is that all you can fucking say after what I just overheard?" He yelled angrily, moved closer to the ex-angel with fast steps. For once Dean didn't think about personal space when he grabbed the brown trench coat, pulled Castiel as close as possible against himself. Their noses almost touched each other.
The ex-angel could feel the hunter's hot breath on his face, it felt nice, soothing and painful at once.
"Dammit, Cass." Dean loosened his grab on the coat and looked up at the starry sky for a moment.
Meanwhile Castiel looked at Dean's face with an analyzing look on his face in hope to read the hunter's mind and soul. It didn't seem that Dean hated him now that he knew of Castiel's real feelings.
The hunter looked more confused and lost than ever. "Dean?" He asked quietly and let his head tilt toward his shoulder.
Dean's eyes fell back on the ex-angel. Green met blue in a battle of confusion. The expression the oldest Winchester had on his face transformed itself into a extremely gentle expression, almost like fine silk; an expression Castiel never had seen the hunter use before.
A sudden and unexpected smile was suddenly spread out on Dean's face. Castiel felt a hand on his cheek, it was warm, larger than his own, rough and soft at the same time. "Next time you don't run away. Next time you stay and listen to what others have to say, alright Cass?"
"But-"
"No buts, Castiel," Dean said.
As Castiel heard his full name being used by the hunter, he knew Dean was quiet serious for once, something that didn't happen so often. Just the sound of his full name escaping between those beautiful, warm, rosy lips gave Castiel the chills. His blue eyes held hope. Did this mean what he thought it meant? He had to ask to know for sure. "Dean-"
The green eyed hunter moved closer, towering a few inches over the angel before he moved his head down and pressed his lips against the ex-angels rosy ones. His hands came to rest on the body of the ex-angel, one on the back of Castiel's neck and the other holding Castiel close to his own body. The ex-angel breathed a sigh of relief and melted into the hunter's strong arms.
It felt as if Dean was trying to devour him, his spirit. The hand on the back of his neck caressed the short hairs making Castiel purr into the kiss.
Dean licked Castiel's lower lip, requesting entrance to his heated mouth, an entrance Castiel happy gave him as he held with desperate hands a strong and firm grip on Dean's t-shirt.
Their tongues moved together in a passionate dance of dominance, love and trust.
The kiss made everything disappear around Castiel, there only was Dean, his warm, wet lips and his big, strong hands on the ex-angel's body.
The simple touch of Dean's lips sent Castiel's world spinning, it made him dizzy. The hot flesh of their lips moved apart before coming back together again, moving hungrily, yet soft with each other. He felt Dean's tongue in his mouth again, letting it take full control. It was an enjoyable feeling that came over him as Dean tasted every corner of his hot, wet mouth.
A moan escaped Castiel. It was better than he had imagined it, much better. He couldn't describe what Dean tasted like, but it was a unique taste.
Castiel's heart almost hurt with all the love and passion there now escaped. The love and passion he had kept hidden in a very long time. It felt good to let it all out, but at the time it also hurt. Emotions hit him like a tidal wave of lust, love, passion, it was all there.
Their lips parted after a good few minutes of many kisses and touches around their bodies.
As Dean tried to move a bit away from Castiel's body so they could get a better look at each other, it was only there that Castiel noticed that his arm was wrapped tightly around Dean's waist, preventing the hunter from moving at all. His eyes met with the Dean's again, and yet another smile came his way.
The hunter leaned forward and down a bit and let his forehead rest against Castiel's.
Blue eyes were curious as they looked at Dean's closed eyes. He could see the smile on the flushed lips of Dean's and he could feel Dean's troubled breathing after their heated kiss. "I return you feelings full out, Cass." He heard the hunter whisper quietly as he opened those green eyes Castiel always had loved. "This is one fucking chick-flick moment." It was typical of Dean to say that now when it was romantic and beautiful. They had confessed their feelings and Dean just had to make a comment. Typical, but Castiel didn't want it any other way. "But this chick-flick moment I like." Dean grinned before he placed a more gentle kiss on the ex-angels lips.
It was a sin, everything his Father had thought him was opposite of what was happening. He loved Dean and he knew that no matter what kind of love it was, it wasn't a sin. How could something that felt so good be wrong at all? He had already rebelled enough as it is, why not rebel just a bit more?
"Thank you, Dean." Castiel whispered back before he hid his face in Dean's t-shirt and leather jacket.
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