The Hair Idealization
Beginning AN:
Well, this is that "less secret work" I was talking about! Enjoy both one of my crackest fan fics yet and my first actual one-shot!
Even moreso than Carl Stevens Universe, this story is mostly just something weird I cooked up. It is not part of my pseudo-series SBIG, but it isn't something to be taken completely seriously either. And yes, I am comparing this to SBIG when I say it still might be one of my crackest works yet.
This may come off as lacking in a lot of content and crossover potential. See the closing notes for more info on why.
It may also breach into the kind of "lolrandom"-style that I really don't like reading, much less doing, but at this rate I don't really care.
Sheldon announced, "The following episode of The Big Bang Theory will deviate from the normal structure I am sure you are used to. It will be animated. Which means that we can do a lot more with a smaller budget. Which, might I add, this episode was on, because nobody bothered to fund it."
The streets of Pasadena were bustling with general activity. Such is the glory of work hours: Not by themselves, but thanks to recent events they were swarmed with more curiosity than ever.
One of these events effecting the lab.
"Why yes," Sheldon said as he walked with an unfamiliar face by his side, "I am indeed a 'hardcore physicist.'"
"And your friend is a bigger one, right?" The character in the shadows muttered.
"No. But he might be more willing to take on challenges. He is more destined to lesser work than me, and that includes whatever idea you have boiling inside your head."
"And then I told Doctor Heck that I-"
"So." Leonard was broken from the conversation with that line. "I hear you are the one who considers himself a true scientist."
Looking up, all eyes found themselves upon a young man. An older teenager, yet already balding. His glare over at the table that the guys were at was rather uncanny.
"Um... I am?" Leonard responded.
"My name is Gerald Bald Z. And I am affiliated with a Physics Lab Fighting Force."
"We don't have a... wait, what did you say?"
"The Physics Lab Fighting Force. This makes me part of your rival university."
Sheldon shrugged. "It's true. That new university that just opened up. They are against us. And I was just trying to prove that I am, indeed, good enough to blow them out of the water."
Leonard moved back on his seat. "Why me? Sheldon, why would you say I would?"
The closest he got to an answer was Gerald continuing. "I already picked two of the games. Horseback archery and a ringout battle in the Forbidden Desert Arena. You must pick two before an hour or you automatically forfeit."
He leaned back even further.
"I will be waiting." Gerald continued. "For the whole hour."
"Okay, what is this? Sheldon, is this an elaborate prank?"
"Unfortunately, no." Sheldon leaned to the window. "Look outside."
"Aw- where the hell did that come from?"
Just across the street that normally marked the end of the location, there was indeed another university. Farther down the road, in a dustier part of town, lied a massive coliseum-like building.
"Doctor Hofstadter!"
"Doctor Gablehauser?" He replied, head-turning to see his boss walking down the parking lot, towards him.
"I see you tried to hold a little wager on the fate of our university!"
"Actually, Doctor," Sheldon broke in, "That was my idea."
"Well- Leonard's the one participating, and that's what counts! Now, I can't stress enough how important this is that you beat our rivals and win the bet! But you already know that, don't you?"
"This is real?" Was his reply. "No, seriously, this is really real?"
"Oh it is indeed, Doctor Hofstadter. This could be the biggest moment in our lives. I mean, could you imagine the budget rise we'll get from putting them out of business?"
"Yes..." Gerald added, apparantly sounding spiteful, although that was hardly what came from his voice. "He was, 'hardcore' enough to follow my bet. Now, state your games."
Leonard chuckled, or at least made a sound that sounded like that. He wasn't sure wether to laugh or pinch himself. "Well then, I pick physics trivia and um... a rap battle?"
"Very well." Gerald glanced over to the building that lied between the universities. "Now, we must meet at the Battle Ring to determine the final game. That is the Battle Ring, since you appear to be new to this."
"We are now at the Battle Ring to determine the final game." Gerald said. He walked, with a confused Leonard and an all-too enthusiastic Sheldon immediately following, with Beradette, Howard, Raj, and Amy following shortly behind them.
"I just want to let you know..." Bernadette was the second to break the rather unusual silence, behind Gerald's oddly redundant announcement. "Even if you fail, it's nothing personal."
"Of course, it shouldn't!" He shouted, "Because Sheldon practically set me up for this!"
Gerald flexed his hands out when they neared something large at the end. "As you know, the games start a week after the final game is determined."
"I know nothing about this!"
On said end of the huge, circular room opposite to the door they walked into was a stone statue, built off from the wall and facing the others from a massive size. The statue beared more than a passing resemblance to the movie figure Shrek, from the film series of the same name. A closer look revealed another figure: Female, pale pink hair tied into a pair of buns. Speaking of buns, her light-blue school uniform-like outfit left her's exposed, ending at the waist and her skirt only covering her navel. A too-small white thong was the only thing giving her lower half decency. Getting closer revealed a small computer screen as part of the statue's lower part, "AWAITING GAME INPUT" being written in blocky, bold green letters.
"This is the Database," Gerald thankfully explained, guesturing at the Shrek statue, and the screen in particular. "We wanted to have a statue of our founder's mother, whose name was Sheik, but there was a typo."
He neared the screen, pulling out what looked like a basic keyboard from the statue. Quickly, he typed out "HORSEBACK ARCHERY" and "RINGOUT BATTLE IN THE FORBIDDEN DESERT ARENA," the latter coming out as "DESERT ARE. BATTL. RINGO. I. T. F." after he hit the Enter key.
"Type each of your challenges, and hit enter."
Shrugging, he put "RAP BATTLE" and "PHYSICS TRIVIA."
"AIGH'T." The statue itself boomed, clearly coming from a speaker in the mouth. "NOW FOR THE BLOOD SAMPLE."
"Blood sample?" He asked. During this time, Gerald and the strange, half-dressed girl both made small pricks in their fingers with pins.
"One more thing since you know nothing about this," He said, guesturing to the girl, "You can go for single or double. And have to pick someone who can donate their blood as a signature so that the challenge is official. I picked doubles. This is my teammate for the games. Her name is Brenda."
Both of them pressed the bleeding finger against a part of the statue that seemed to be made for letting some liquid trickle down it, letting a drop of blood get registered on and go back into it.
"I think I'll pick doubles..." he said, while stabbing his own index finger with a pen. Once he was about to mimick their actions, he was surprised to find another hand joining him.
Penny's.
"Penny? How did you get here?"
"Well, you know, this game sounded pretty badass for a guy like you and... I just had to join in! Pretty romantic, too!"
"Okay. Then it's settled. The computer is tallying the results and making a fifth game, and they will start in a week."
"A'IGHT, IT'S BEEN SETTLED." The statue yelled again, "HERE IS THE LIST. REMEMBER, IT'S NOT OVER UNTIL IT'S OGRE!"
From top to bottom, it read "HORSEBACK ARCHERY," "PHYSICS TRIVIA," "HALO BATTLE," "RAP BATTLE," and "DESERT ARE. BATTL. RINGO. I. T. F."
"So..." Leonard said. "One week."
"...I think this might call for a little training!" Penny chimed in.
"No, I think it calls for a pinch in the shoulder. Seriously, is this some kind of weird dream."
Despite his question, he chose to stick with Penny's advice. By going to the gym. You may think this was just going to be a montage of fail based on the show's history of never showing these guys as having any kind of athletic improvement or skill at all. But that only applied to the beginning. Leonard may have nearly broken his wrists with five-pounders, fallen off the treadmill at lower settings, and failed to get a good bike in an exercise bike, but by day six he was already daring the ten-pounders, keeping up with higher settings, and biking enough to go up a small mound if on an actual bike.
Sadly, this only left his muscles sore for the horseback archery. Returning to the arena, he saw it rearranged a bit. Obviously, this meant that there were four horses, four targets, four quivers (each with five arrows, interestingly enough), and four bows. Penny was dressed in one of her usual outfits. Gerald in a full suit of knight armor. Saying Brenda had a matching outfit would be too polite: It was more like a full set of arm and leg armor, with a pair of square metal pasties on her chest, and a gray, metalic thong that looked a lot like the regular kind she wore before.
"All four participants are present." Gerald said in his usual monotone. Which was starting to make Leonard shvier. "Once you board the horse and take your arrows, the game will begin."
Following that order was surprisingly easy for Leonard. With Penny's help, that is. She boarded her own, and before he knew it, the Shrek statue raised his head in the air and shot a cluster of confetti with its mouth. One "YOU GO GET EM, DONKEY!" Later, and the games began.
Three out of four of the horses took off with their riders. The fourth, without. A buzz sounded the instant Leonard's rear hit the floor, while Penny, Gerald, and Brenda all aimed without hesitation. The targets that aligned the arena's walls were then struck mercelesly, Leonard only being able to watch and more points were racked up for both teams.
Once they re-gathered at the center, Leonard (long-since fully standing) looked to see his fiancee triumphantly holding up the bow, then towards the score board. He got zero, no surprise there. Gerald, sixty points. Brenda, seventy. Penny, one-hundred thirty-one.
Naturally, he had a lot more luck on the second round. A brief go into a locker room for the enemy team to change divided this up. After that, a pair of tables was set up, with divices to read whoever was quick and quick-minded enough to press and answer.
"Question one." An announcer read off, "Observe the screen. Solve the equation."
Leonard began jotting almost instantly. This seemed to be Penny and Gerald's turn to be confused, unable to note what the screen was reading. A nice change of pace. Familiarity, for once since that pair walked by his table unnannounced.
Brenda, surprisingly, had a few things down herself. Then buzzed in.
"Team BM! ...Bun Meat, that is."
Leonard was too busy tilting his head in confusion at the name to notice Penny boredly blowing on the bottom of her paper.
"F...fffff... four hundred. Ninety six." She answered.
Something clicked in Leonard's head - wait, this is the first time he heard this woman ever say anything other than grunts or yells, was it? And more importantly, how did he even take notice of that?
"Correct! And as this is best three out of five, here is the next question..."
...
"Xenon!" Leonard answered after his buzz-in was confirmed.
...
"E-e-earth's mass would scrape exactly half of Mars's if... hai." Brenda put in next.
...
"Twenty square miles, assuming that the technology behind it is similar to our modern technology." Leonard nodded.
"And... for the tie-breaker, BM and the nameless team both at two points. What color is the sky?"
Leonard buzzed in.
"Yes, nameless team!"
"That's an easy one. Some may think it's because of the oxygen or the O-zone, but it's really because that's the kind of light that gets refracted from the sun's rays!"
A loud buzz was heard through the the entire stadium.
"Ooh, sorry, that is incorrect. Team BM?"
"Ao." Brenda said, this time far more clearly.
"Correct! The sky is, in fact, blue! Leonard, I already understnad the confusion. You misinterpreted the question! At no point in your answer did you ever say that the sky was blue, in English or otherwise."
"Crap. So I know I'm gonna have to sit through at least two more of these games. Which one was next again?"
"AH, I SEE ONE OF MY DONKEYS ASKED A QUESTION." Blared the Shrek statue once more. "YOU SEE GLASSES DONKEY, THE HALO MATCH IS NEXT, FOLLOWED BY THE RAP BATTLE, THEN THE FIGHT IN MY SWAMP. I MEAN, THE FORBIDDEN DESERT ARENA. BUT SINCE THE LAST ONE'S A DOOSY, THAT'S WHERE WE'LL HAVE OUR HALF TIME. TWO HOURS OF RESTIN' AND MOVIN' TO THE ARENA BEFORE THE FINAL GAME STARTS."
He sighed while the tables were cleared. "Already almost half-way there. Oh well, at least this game is more familiar."
The match was selected and the teams were set, in-game gunfire could begin. And in-game fire. Everyone in the crowd nearly went silent when it was first set up, some even tilting their heads in confusion at the display that may have been alien to them.
One surprise grenade launch later, and both Penny and Leonard cheered a "YES!" The latter looked at his disappointed competetors.
"What do you expect?" He asked, "I have loads of practice with this game, and she's... an instant expert."
"OKAY DONKEYS," the Shrek statue continued, "FOR YOUR NEXT MATCH GET YOUR ONION-BUMS OVER TO THAT DANCE STAGE OVER THERE AND DO YOURSELVES A RAP!"
Leonard:
(Oh!) Who wanna mess with da' physisict?
Hard to explain quantom mechanics, lemme give you the bare jist,
Pass the mike to Penny 'cuz you're finished here with Lenny,
A nobel prize? She'll be the one to take the next emmy.
Penny:
Wait. No. I'm not there yet.
Don't say anything you'll later regret.
I work with sales, let's keep it up there.
And I don't think they give nobel prizes to people with Star Trek underwear.
Gerald:
Stop! You are the embodiment of my next quest.
After my journey for hair was quickly put to rest.
I went to the mountain but my unc. and grandad blew it up,
Now I went here to make sure you give it up.
Brenda declined to give a verse.
"ALRIGHT!" The announcer cried, "Winners... Team BM!"
"What?" Leonard asked.
"You see, your's and Penny's verses negated eachother. Penny went for a self-deprecation route, which counted towards a negative point. This gave you a net score of zero. While Brenda didn't offer anything, also zero by herself, and Gerald's verse was poor, at least it was something."
"Aw come on! Even by this weird game's standards, you made that up and you know it!"
"That's the rules of the game! Now, for the brief intermission before we all go to the Forbidden Desert Arena."
Leonard sighed. "We're tied now, and the spooky desert game just has to be the tie-breaker. In fact, I even think I know how this will end. Penny, we get to whatever challenge that is, and it seems like we're losing, but then we have some kind of 'power of heart' or whatever, and pull a surprise victory. Bam, both teams are happy somehow, end. I can't wait until this... this acid trip is finally over with."
As the name of the arena implied, where the bus dropped the foursome off was... ominous, to say the least. A vast ocean of sand. Well, that would be more accurate had Leonard not seen what lied at the destination. It was more literal, with the sand quickly rolling and sinking in a sphere that extended past the horizon. The doors of the bus opened at a rickety wooden bridge at the edge of what could be described as Hollywood quicksand, and led out into a lone cubical platform of sand that stood out in what might be the center.
"This was near the Grand Canyon?" Leonard asked. "I know I'm not a geologist, but... wow! I can't believe I never knew about this!"
"Treat it with great respect," Gerald said, "As it is forbidden."
Of course, following busses contained more of the old audience members. Sheldon, for one. That guy in a purple suit with a parrot on his shoulder, for another. A bunch of even less-recognizable people trickling out, and the familiar announcer became part of the group.
"Okay, if you would, just make your way down the bridge for me. It's a long walk, but if you can make it, bravo."
Once they finally made it to the end, he handed each of them a strange rod-like object.
"These are your Sand Rods. Use them to manipulate the desert sand in front of you. Make temporary walls and stuff. Make solid platforms out of the quicksand. Anyway, you have to knock off both members of the opposing team. And once you do, you win."
Leonard sighed and nearly closed his eyes, waiting for something to be over with. It was the last game, afterall. Just as he thought, he heard the sound of sand rushing instantly. He was probably going to be knocked off or some-
Wait. Penny was the one who first used the magic... things to split him and her with a wall. Gerald was trapped in one of the last pillars, his legs caught up while his upper half flailed around in the air. He sighed, relaxed, and even thought about laughing at this-
When he saw Brenda charging at him. Just for her to be deflected by Penny, jumping out from behind the closest of her sand walls and engaging in a rod-fight with, obviously, the sand rods.
As they got into a not-blade by not-blade blow, his neighbor knocking their opponent closer to an edge, the initial series of columns began breaking back down. One by one.
"Um, Penny..." He began.
Running out of room, Brenda saw it fit to use her own sand rod to extend a row of her own rectangular pillars, off the side of the limited arena. Penny was not expecting that - what was probably intended to be a finishing push turned into a bit of a stumble thanks to that slight extra territory. Which allowed her to counter-attack, by ripping off Penny's shirt in one fell swipe.
Thankfully, she had on a bra, but she still swiped a hand over the new exposure. And that led to yet another move - Brenda knocked her down, then snapped her fingers. That same purple-suited man from before descended. The bird gripping his shoulders, flapping its wings in place.
"Here you go, my love!" He tossed her a sword. Then one to Gerald as well, just as he was freed from the pillar. "And for balance..." he added, before throwing over one to Leonard and Penny too. Leonard could swear he saw Brenda's eyes flash red as she entered an attack stance, only able to see through his fogging glasses what stood in front of him.
"This is how I am going to die." He said to himself. "I never would have guessed it."
He took into a run when he saw Gerald running after him, following down the route the only blonde in the group had crafted. Like this would be anything but stalling the inevidable, especially as he ran out of breath before even making it to the eighth and last pillar.
"Now we got you." Gerald said, "This will mark the first victor we have over the American cartoons."
"...What? Is this supposed to be my first clue in figuring out what the hell any of this is even about, and it's... this isn't a cartoon! Is it?"
Another series of sand pillars rose up as the ones the triad was standing on began to collapse. Penny, standing by the edge. She charged her way over and grabbed Leonard, pulling him off to her makeshift platform series. The two challengers tried to dash over, but Penny deflected both of them with a sword move, just as the block they were on reverted to the quicksand river.
Leonard gave a sign in relief as they both fell in. Then immediately threw off his glasses and ran over to the edge, seeing as they began sinking into the pit of rushing dust.
"Wait- no!" he cried, using his own sand rod to raise them out along with another row of walkable platforms. "You don't have to try to kill them?"
"Um, yeah, I do. This is a battle to the death. Aren't you familiar with these sort of things?"
"In fiction. This isn't fiction! This is- no wait, I don't even know what this is anymore!"
Gerald plucked himself out first. Surprisngly, given the general image given of the two. "This isn't over with yet. Even if you did not give me an upper hand, the might of anime will reign over you USA-produced grossout entertainment."
"Yeah, no. I'm not gonna get beaten by a pair of cheap-made anime freaks." Was Penny's response. "I don't even think that my fiance would watch your cartoon if you made one."
"At least we do not make light of a tragedy. How many times has your Family Guy made fun of 9/11?"
"And at least we don't have the kind of cartoon porn my fiance has!"
"WOAH! Penny, keep me out of this!"
The pink-haired girl emerged next. Seeing that Penny and Gerald were still in a back-and-forth argument ("Nothing but cheap comedies!" "Dumb drama-fests!" "The lines are nothing but squiggles!" "At least we don't draw our eyes huge!" "A naked green man who hates Christmas?" "That started as a book! And you have a guy who changes hair colors to get stronger."), he violated all common sense from before and asked Brenda: "Do you have any idea what they're talking about?"
She shrugged.
Just when he thought that at least something might start making sense, he got a reminder than just because someone wasn't aware of the same argument existing, doesn't mean that they won't still try to kill you. Because with a cry, she charged at him, and they were at a pair of back-and-forth use of the magic devices to add more pillars to walk on. Speaking of which, to keep their argument going, Penny and Gerald kept using their sand rods over eachother's spots to keep the pillars standing, all so they can bicker over which country has the lesser animation.
Finally, by some miracle, Leonard avoided getting sliced in half, and ran right into the other two. Brenda was not expecting this, and tripped over all three of them, ending it in a pile.
"Gerald?" The waitress asked.
"What."
"...Just how long has it been since our last sand rod-thingy recharge?"
"Too long."
The pillar they were all on collapsed. But just when all hope seemed lost, they were saved by something rising from the swirling sands. Something stone.
The Shrek statue.
"DO I SENSE A FEELING OF TRUCE BETWEEN THE DONKEYS?"
Penny and Gerald looked at eachother. Leonard tried the same with Brenda, just to get another glare his way.
"Yeah, sure. I feel kind of stupid for trying to argue with this. Anime is cool,"
"And so are American cartoons." Gerald finished.
Leonard groaned.
"I say we call this a draw." The balding one stood up, dusted himself off, and looked over at the statue. "Call this an even game. There is no winner."
"ALL FOUR DONKEYS MUST AGREE."
"Agreed." Penny added, even if her tone did not seem to agree with it.
"Agreed." Leonard gasped out. "Do you have any water with you? I could really use some."
After more of a pause, Brenda finished the chain. "合意した。"
"THEN IT'S SETTLED! BEGINNING TRANSPORT BACK TO PASADENA!"
Strangely, the barbaric coliseum from before felt rather welcome and familair now. The Shrek statue returned to its position after its lengthy series of sliding along, shut its eyes, and sank into the ground with a soft "Goodnight... Donkeys... It's all ogre for now."
"Well, I learned my lesson I guess." Penny said.
Gerald nodded. "No matter what nation it is from, animation can be strong, or weak."
A teenager zoomed in on a motorcycle. Dressed in a pretty heavy green and teal outfit for this rather dry area, he stuck a hand under his teal toque and withdrew a quartet of cards from it.
"YO YO YO! Wassup! I'm Ezekiel Smithy, you might know me from Extreme Musical Drama High School or saw my add for the upcoming Total Zeksmit Plains. Here, take my card. You," He handed one to Gerald, "You," to Leonard, "And- ooh. I think I'll be seein' you in my game!"
Penny finally seemed to realize that her shirt was still destroyed. Ezekiel still passed the last cards to her and Brenda, and both of them reluctantly accepted.
"'Couldn't help but watch your battle on live TV. Oh, man, the classic debate. American cartoons versus Japanese cartoons. But I'll tell you what: Canada beats both of them, eh. Totally. Did you know that's where the amazing Johnny Test is from? Anyway, see ya' later!"
When he took off, a cloud of dust from his ride briefly got into their faces. One flurry of coughs later, and he was completely gone.
"Okay, except Canada." Penny added.
"Hey, I know one thing for sure." Leonard, despite that drive-off probably killing him, chose to stare at the sword. "This is pretty cool. I think I'm keeping it. Who gave us these, anyway?"
"Yeah." Gerald said. "Every country can make good or bad animation, but screw Canada's."
Brenda drew her own blade across the dirt that made up the floor. Leonard looked at it, reading the message:
"My crush. He goes by Young Man."
"No, seriously. Like, all Canadian cartoons are bad." Penny looked into the door Ezekiel took off towards.
"Wow." Leonard noted. "You can sand-write pretty fast. Or, dirt-write." She began writing again.
Meanwhile again, Gerald nodded at Penny's words. "I suppose one exception could be made."
And the second dirt-message read "I can make my eyes gain highlights for each compliment." He looked up to see that she now had star-like pictures around in them, which vanished in short time.
"No, don't even 'suppose' it." Penny finished, "Canadian animation sucks. Period."
"...I'm also keeping this card." Leonard said, giving it a closer look.
Closing AN:
This was so rushed it's not even funny. I didn't even re-read the finale stuff because I just thought that there wouldn't be much to add, since I wrote most of the final match on the same day I finished it and posted it. I just wanted this out before the year ends, so that I could have at least one oddball, not intentionally purposefully badly done work each year. (Usually a crossover.)
List of stuff that was planned to be added but cut for... let's just say "time:" A scene showing the horseback archery from Penny's POV, an attack from Coiffio and maybe some "villainous" character from BBT, Catman trying to bail Leonard out, the rap battle was going to be longer and Brenda actually had a verse (if a very reluctant one), what the hell is Uncle Grandfather not doing in this, etc. I'm pretty sure I'll enlongate this with an edit of sorts, but it's a low concern right now. I just wanted something like this out. One last thing, the Shrek Statue should have different "Donkey" names for all four of them. Hrm, he said "Glasses Donkey," there should also be "Waitress Donkey," "Sailor Donkey," and "Balding Donkey?"
Don't take Penny and Gerald's comments at the end seriously. I have nothing against Canadian animation and I am actually a major fan of Total Drama. (Where Ezekiel is from. His last name being Smithy isn't canon, it's Total Zeksmit.) I do, however, not like Johnny Test.
THE END.
Crank a nozzle, push a button.
This was the simple formula Hank had been using for years on his sword, the crank letting some of its very limited gas quantity leaking up from the crimson handle, with the press igniting it all a blaze. With this motion, the silver blade was quickly set on fire, the gas turned off, and his already-threatening weapon seemed to pose much more of a threat. A threat to the army of robots and the like that stared him down.
Of course, he wouldn't be alone. Aiding Hank would be the next incarnation of the group that was pretty much not that well thought out back in Sweet Jade and Hella John. The only move-overs from that currently aided him in their stance, staring down the robotic cluster. Dale. Bill. Boomhauer. The good ol' guys, now here for a major adventure. This is a taste of their tale.
The tale of the Fox Crew.