Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not?
The house was beautiful. At last you'd finished everything she wanted done. The tree, a nine foot Douglas Fir, sat in front of the window closest to the fireplace. Nine hundred lights and over two hundred shatterproof ornaments and other decorations adorned the massive tree. To top it off there was a magnificent gold star. Eight stockings hung from the mantel which was intricately woven with lighted garland. Of course the staircase bannister had to be woven with lighted garland as well. A hand made wreath hung on the front door and niftily came with lights that had a batter pack so no ugly cord would have to run from it for power. Last but not least, who could forget the mistletoe? You could have actually, but Maura insisted that you hang some in the doorway between the kitchen and dining room.
You'd spent hours with Maura shopping for just the right ornaments to tie all the decorations together with a theme. Come to think of it you still weren't certain what the theme was this year, but Maura seemed happy with it. On top of the hours you'd spent shopping, you spent hours yesterday decorating everything so that it would look "perfect" for tonight's family dinner.
Honestly though, even if it took hours from your life you didn't mind. No matter how much you might have complained you willingly gave them for the chance to be around her. And now, the beauty of her house before you was well worth all the time and effort. It must have been pretty awesome because the whole family loved it tonight at dinner.
For some reason, this year everything had to be perfect. Maura was insisting on it. Ever since Ma had moved in Maura had tried hard to make the holidays at her house special, but this year she was trying even harder to make sure that every detail was absolutely perfect. It almost seemed as if this were her last chance at a holiday season with you, and it had you a little worried. Overall, Maura had been different lately. A little more guarded and closed off like she used to be when you first met. You'd catch her staring at you with a look on her face like she was trying to absorb every detail of you into her memory. It hurt to think she had even one moment of worry about ever losing you.
You weren't oblivious to what was happening; maybe because you had been looking for the signs to show up. You had wondered for so long if she could ever love you the way you loved her, but you'd never found the nerve to say anything. When Casey's proposal came it seemed as though there could be a solution to the problem you had. You could settle down with him, making Ma happy, maybe finding the happiness you wanted, and still have Maura as your best friend. Now though, Maura has started pulling away. That wasn't going to do; you needed to find a way to change what was happening. And it had to happen as soon as possible.
"Hey, you okay?" you ask coming up behind Maura washing dishes at the kitchen sink. "You seemed a little quieter than usual tonight."
"Yes, everything is fine Jane. I just tired myself out a little more than I'd realized preparing for tonight. Could you help me finish clearing the table?"
"I'd be happy to." She's deflecting and you know it. She's always quick to change the subject and deflect when afraid you'll ask a question she'll have to either answer truthfully or suffer the consequences for lying. What's she afraid you'll ask?
You head back to the dining room to gather some of the remaining plates and glasses from dinner. You stack everything that you dare take for trip back to Maura carefully. As you start to pass back through the doorway you notice something that has escaped attention all evening; the mistletoe.
Kind of a shame, Maura had begged all day while decorating for you to put it up. For whatever googlemouth reason she surely had, she seemed excited by the prospect of two people caught under the mistletoe and made to kiss. You didn't have the heart to tell her that most people found it an annoying inconvenience of holiday parties. So, in the end, you hung it up and hoped you wouldn't be the one caught underneath it. Tonight no one had been caught underneath it, at least none that Maura saw anyway. And who was really going to make Korsak and Frost stick to the tradition? Definitely not something you wanted to see.
"Jane, what's going on in there?"
"Oh, nothing," you reply, quickly shaking off thoughts of mistletoe and kisses. "I started thinking about the case. I was wondering when the tests would be back on the fibers from Amanda Johnson's clothes?" you ask sliding up beside Maura and placing the dishes beside the sink for her. With that you head back to the dining room for the rest of them.
"They should be back tomorrow morning. By the time they are done I should know whether or not we got enough DNA evidence from under her nails to run through CODIS. I asked Susie to start the comparison if there was enough to run. I figured since it could take hours or days for a match it should get started as soon as possible rather than waiting on me to start it in the morning."
You catch the end of her explanation as you return with the last of the dishes and hand them off to be washed. "Sounds good," you say as you step around behind her to her other side and grab a dish towel to dry dishes. If it were anyone else you'd complain about having to do the dishes, but with Maura it comes as something you want to do. "Fingers crossed we get something back with those tests tomorrow. Frost and I are nearly out of leads and I have to have unsolved cases, especially during the holidays." This isn't something that you want to about right now, but it's the only way to get Maura to open up. She gets caught up in the science and will talk away. Having her talking about work is better than having her closed off."
"Oh you're superstitious now too Detective?" She says with a smile that tells you she's joking. "I thought that all ended with you trusting your intestines." Her smile gets a little wider with that statement.
You couldn't help cracking a smile too at her teasing you. It had taken you years to try and teach her about the fine art of comedy, teasing, and sarcasm. For a time she seemed hopeless to learn it all, but now she had these moment where she absolutely surprised you with the joking and teasing. It's just one of the many little things you love about her and with her withdrawal from you lately it's good to see her opening back up just a little.
"Jane." She says drawing you out of your thoughts and making you look her in the eye. "You know I don't like unsolved cases any more than you. Just trust your intestines and I'll stick to the science." She says with another light smile. "Together, I'm sure we can find something to help us solve this one too. Okay?"
You nod your head and both of you turn back to what you were doing, falling into silence. This, however, isn't a comfortable silence like you used to have with each other. Used to you could just exist around each other and not feel the need to fill the silence with idle talk. These days most of your silences are slightly awkward; like you're two acquaintances who accidentally ended up locked in the same room and had no idea what to say to one another. With nothing to say you keep drying.
You let your mind wander back to thinking about how you are going to talk to her. You have to tell her what you've decided about Casey's proposal. He had to go back to Afghanistan the week after his proposal, so you decided together to wait to make things official. He would get to come home for Christmas and at that time he would decide not to reenlist if you officially accepted. It's only given you more time to think about settling. You want to settle down, sure, but do you want to settle into a life where you may not be happy? That's why you have to tell her. It's time for you to know and her too.
"I know you said you were more tired than you thought, but it's still kind of early; are you up for a movie maybe?" you ask. "I saw earlier that there are some documentaries in your DVR. I'm sure there's one you're just dying to see."
"I don't think there are any of them in there that would take my life."
"It's an expression Maura."
"Oh. Well, wouldn't you be bored? I know you prefer action movies to something like documentaries relating to the medical field and animals."
"A documentary might not be my first choice if I were going to watch something, but I want to watch a documentary with you. You watched Die Hard with a Vengeance with me last time we had movie night."
"Alright," she paused and smoothed out a nonexistent wrinkle in her dress, "I think I will go change into something that won't wrinkle. Do you want to change as well, in case we fall asleep? I know I washed some of your sweats you left here and put them in your drawer."
You look down at your dark wash jeans and the burgundy button down you wore for Maura because she said the color looked great against your skin tone. If talking to her didn't go well and you had to head home it would probably be best to do it in this than a pair of old B.P.D. sweats. "No, I think I'll just grab us something to drink and get comfy on the couch."
"I'll be back in a few minutes then." She turned and left you standing in the kitchen while she headed for the stairs.
You turned and headed for the fridge in search of something to drink. With the talk you needed to have tonight you could use a little liquid courage. You glance down at the shelf where she always kept your beer and realized that you never once had found it empty. She always kept it stocked; whether it was going to be just you there or you and your rowdy family and colleagues. It was all the little things like that you didn't want to live without anymore.
Beer wasn't going to work. No. You'd really prefer something stronger, but now wasn't the time. You needed to do this with a clear head. Well, as clear as it could be for what you were about to do. You might break her in more ways than one shortly and it wouldn't be right to do it if she thought it came from alcohol. How do you tell her? How do you even bring it up? You had to figure something out fast before she came back.
Closing the fridge door you turn and happen to look up. There the mistletoe hung and it came to you. Maybe it wouldn't go to waste tonight after all. Silently you thank her for making you put it up, otherwise you might have the courage to do this.
You can hear her descending the stairs and know she will be a little disappointed not to see you sitting on the couch. It will peak her curiosity as to why you are standing in the doorway of the kitchen and dining room staring out at the blackness of the back yard.
"Jane?" She's noticed you're not on the couch.
"In here," you say softly.
"Is everything okay? Why aren't you on the couch?" she asks coming fully into the kitchen and stopping about five feet from where you are under the mistletoe.
"Sorry, I started thinking about a few things and got caught up in them I guess," you say turning to face her but holding your ground under the doorway. "I was just thinking about Casey coming home." She tenses slightly for just a fraction of a second, but relaxes again just a quickly. That fraction of a second tells you everything you need to know and shows you how much pain the mention of his name causes her.
"Oh…" She starts to say.
"And I thought you and I should talk," you say cutting her off. "I don't think I can do this anymore. I can't stand by and watch you fall back into the Queen of the Dead like you were before we became friends."
"Jane, I…"
"Don't," you say cutting her off again. I'm a detective Maura, I notice things. Ever since Casey's proposal you've changed. You've started to revert back to the woman I met years ago and it only gets worse the closer we get to Christmas and him coming home.
"I'm sorry," she whispers. She crosses the remaining space until she's right in front of you before continuing, "I suppose I'm just preparing myself for spending more time alone again. I suppose also that I somewhat took for granted having you around all this time and I'm going to miss it. Before you came into my life I never knew anything but being alone. I am happy for you Jane and that you've found someone like Casey who loves you."
You stand for a moment trying to take it all it and wondering just how you should proceed from here. You have to just buck up and do it. "Maura, I think you'd better kiss me now." She looks at you dumbfounded for a moment trying to understand what you're talking about. Your gaze drifts up and hers follows. "You wanted me to hang it up and now that we are standing underneath it I'd hate to break tradition."
She smiles a little, like she's happy you've come around to the idea of having it there. Now that she's out of her heels she has to nearly get on her tip toes to reach your height. She leans in, and just as you think she might have taken your slight hint she places a delicate chaste kiss on your cheek; so close and yet so far away.
"Maura… I don't really want to marry Casey." She leans a little farther away from you and has that dumbfounded expression on her face again.
"What! Jane, why?"
"Because I'm not in love with him. Yes, I love him, and I'm sure a lot of that comes from our history together; but one day that might not be enough for me. I'm in love with someone else. And I didn't get you under this mistletoe for a kiss on the cheek Maura Isles. I love you, a lot; and I think you love me too. If you do, you're about to miss your shot because I will go through with my engagement with Casey if you tell me you don't. So, are you going to kiss me or not? Like really kiss…"
You're cut off by her lips on yours. It comes as a surprise, not the fact that she's kissing you, but that it's better than you'd ever dreamed. It says everything you needed to know. It says that she loves you and wants you too.
Finally you break apart when you feel the need for oxygen. You can't do anything but lose yourself in the amazing hazel color of her eyes. It might be your new favorite color.
"Wow," it's all that comes to mind at this moment.
"I love you too Jane Rizzoli and I'm sorry for the way I acted. I've loved you for a long time, but I didn't want to take the chance at losing our friendship. I'm sorry for pulling away, but it seemed like the best thing to do because I didn't want to stand in the way of your happiness with Casey. All I want is for you to be happy."
You pull her into a hug and both of you just stand there enjoying being in the arms of the other. "Maura, you are the most amazing person I've ever met, you know it? You always think of other people; putting your own happiness in jeopardy if it will make someone else happy. I don't want you to do that this time. I can't imagine my life without you in it."
Neither of you can seem to find anything else to say so you lapse back into silence. This time it's comfortable silence. Nothing really needs to be spoken between you; you've said everything you had to say tonight. One thought does come to mind though. "The mistletoe was a good idea," you say leaning down to capture her lips once more. You make a mental note, "Never ever let another holiday season pass without hanging mistletoe in the house."