Title: Eleison
Author: wintercreek
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Spoilers: Through S6.
Dedication: For shoelacedreamer, who's always willing to say "Well, I like Xander."
A/N: Ok, I'm not the biggest Xander fan. But he deserves his moment. Written from Xander's POV.
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I've never been a very religious guy. This one time, we were watching a movie and it had a scene set in a church. The choir was singing a beautiful song. But it wasn't in English. I had to ask Willow what it meant. My Jewish best friend, translating part of a Christian service for me.
"It's Latinized Greek, Xander. See, the words have Greek roots, but they've been altered a bit to be more like Latin words."
I'd nodded. Close counts not only in horseshoes, but also in understanding Willow's mini-lectures.
I miss my sweet little Willow. Now more than ever. I really wish she could help me make sense of things, like she always used to—but she can't, not when she's in the greatest need herself. She's gone, off somewhere trying to teach herself how to live again.
How do things get so far from the way we envision them? All I ever wanted was to be happy. To be someone better than my father. I wanted to treat people with respect and to make a difference in the world.
Well, I saved the world. That made a difference. Not just the Zeppo after all.
But oh, what I did to Anya.
I thought I was better. Not so quick to judge and belittle. I was so sure that I knew which side to be on. The unquestionable side of truth and light. Which should have meant that it was ok to judge the other side. As the opposites of light, they must be dark. Bad. Evil. Vampires and demons and witches, oh my. Never of the good. Until my best friend became a witch. And then my fiancée was an ex-vengeance demon. Now she's a demon again, which means that I should hate her. We won't even talk about the messed up vampire things that have been going on since Angel day 1. What scares me most about Spike is that there are times when he seems like an ok guy.
So where does that leave me? I saved the world with my unconditional love, but I broke my fiancée's heart. I don't know anymore if there's a way not to become my father.
I don't think I was ever meant to see this side of the world. The Slayer side. Grey is not my color.
Anya and Giles walking through the park together. He makes her happy in a way that I never could.
Buffy and Dawn, crying together because they miss Spike.
The back of Willow's car as she drove away.
Tara's grave.
That night that I yelled at Anya and Spike. The night that I hurt Buffy so much without even knowing.
The day that Anya learned what kind of man I really was. When I left her at the alter because I was so scared of what I'd become.
I keep hearing that choir in my head. Hearing Willow telling me what the words mean.
" 'Kyrie eleison.' That means, 'Lord have mercy.' 'Christe eleison.' That's 'Christ have mercy.' "
I'm so lost.
Eleison. Someone have mercy.
Please.