Scar Wars: Episode 1
Narrator
(Sounds like Marlon Brando)
In 1983 a powerful drug lord named Tony Montana ruled the Miami cocaine scene until his demise. Tony Montana's drug palace was infiltrated by rival cocaine pushers. What seemed like a small army stormed the place, killing dozens of guards, and Tony's sister. Tony, snorting kilos of coke, grabbed his gun and took out several enemies, until one of them came up behind him and fired a shot gun slug to his back. Tony fell into his fountain where he drowned. But only a few people know that the police arrived at the scene about fifteen minutes after that incident. Tony was revived in the ambulance and taken to the hospital. Tony was then frozen by mistake, his charts where confused with George Lucas because he wanted to be alive when you could live in space safely. Tony was then unfrozen in 3003, on the Miami Space Station which was where George Lucas wanted to be unfrozen.
A Space Station worker approaches the pod where Tony is frozen. The worker presses a button on the side of the pod to open the door.
Space Station Worker
Hi, Mr. Lucas welcome to year 3003.
Tony opens his eyes and fixes them on the Space Station Worker.
Tony Montana
What you say, mane?
The Space Station Worker glances at the crome clipboard that he is holding in his left hand.
Space Station Worker
(Shouting)
I said "Welcome to the year 3003, Mr. Lucas!"
Tony Montana
Who the fuck is Mr. Lucas?
Space Station Worker
Aren't you George Lucas from 1983?
Tony Montana
No I'm Tony Montana a political prisoner from Cuba.
Space Station Worker
The chart says your George Lucas to be rocketed into space, to live in The Trump Space Mansion. So if you would just step into this room to my right and we can get you fitted for your space suit.
The Space Station Worker grabs Tony's left arm. Tony reaches for the Space Station Worker's clip board and The Space Station Worker pulls out a needle and shoots Tony in the neck with it. Tony falls to the ground and the screen goes black. Tony wakes up in a cushioned chair in a big metal room with computers and TV screens. There are four other people in the room besides Tony. There is a man in a silver uniform, a woman in a matching silver jump suit, a 16 year old intern in a black shirt and blue jeans, and an alien that looks like Yoda in a red Hugh Hefner robe and black Puma's. The man in the uniform notices that Tony is awake and struts over to him with an annoying grin on his face, he is obviously the captain.
Captain Tennille
Hello Mr. Lucas, welcome to the Trump Space Mansion. Let me introduce you to the crew. The woman over there is the co-captain Ms. Carriage, and over to my right is the intern his name is Benjamin Dover, but we call him Ben, over in the corner is Cornelius Cranium, and I am Captain Tennille. Your room is down the room and the cafeteria is down the hall where we serve the finest moon powder. Any questions?
Tony Montana
Yeah, why the fuck am I in a fucking space station?
Captain Tennille
Well your chart clearly states that you are to live in the finest Space Mansion, Mr. Lucas.
Tony Montana
I'm not Mr. Lucas, I'm Tony Montana and I didn't ask to be here, mane.
Ben Dover
Hey your right George Lucas was fat with grey hair and only had one set of clothes.
Ms. Carriage
Oh yeah he's that guy who made that documentary about when Tom Cruise and Kim Jong Ill join forces and take over Illinois and started world war six.
Ben Dover
Yeah, this dude looks like Michael from the Godfather. And George Lucas looks like Bill Clinton if he was a farmer.
Tony Montana
Eh mane, who the fuck is the George Lucas guy?
Cornelius Cranium
George Lucas was a successful movie director for about 40 years. He made classics like the Star Wars series, and Indiana Jones. Until about 2008 when he started making documentaries about dumb shit like "Watch The Plant Grow", "Extreme Beat Farming", "Taking A Shit: With Michael Moore", "The Exciting Life Of A Factory Worker", and "Watch Me Make A Sandwich." And those were the good ones. George Lucas then went broke when he joined NAMBLA and made a documentary with Michael Jackson and Gary Glitter called "Jesus Juice" and the sequel "Jesus Juice II: The Second Coming." Then I guess he got frozen in a different pod.
Ms. Carriage
We have an incoming ship, Captain.
Captain Tennille
Beam them up, Ben give Mr. Montana a gun.
Ben Dover walked over to a weapon closet and pulled out a Glock 45 and walked over to Tony and handed it to him. A man appears in a white cloud, he steps into view, it's the real George Lucas.
Captain Tennille
Who are you?
George Lucas
I'm George Lucas, my charts got mixed up and I was sent to Mississippi instead of here.
Captain Tennille
Oh okay, this is Tony Montana he was beamed up in your place. You two will have to share a room until we can convince Larry King to move out of the room next to you.
George Lucas
WHAT? Do you know who I am? I directed Star Wars god damn it.
Captain Tennille
I know who you are! It's only for one day, until we get Larry King out of here!
George Lucas
Don't get snippy with me, I'm George Lucas! Have you ever seen Star Wars! I'm responsible for that two hour kiss from God! I have the power to have you killed! I'm George Lucas for God's sake!
Captain Tennille
Cornelius put him down!
Cornelius pulled out a pistol with a needle at the tip and fired it at George Lucas. The screen goes black and then fades back. It cuts to a huge room with two king size bed and a big screen TV. George Lucas wakes up on the right bed and Tony is on the other one.
George Lucas
That goddamn asshole! He knocked me out! What A…
Tony Montana
Hold up mane, I want to know what your fucking problem is!
George Lucas
What do you mean! I don't have a fucking problem! Do you know who am? I'm George fucking Lucas! The greatest director in HISTORY!
Tony Montana
Does it look like I care, mane. What's wrong with you? You're a fucking cock-a-roach, you know dat mane.
George Lucas
Oh yeah! Well your just a dirty Cuban, go get me a cigar!
Tony Montana
HEY! Take that tone with me again and I'll blow your fucking brains on the carpet, you got me, mane.
George Lucas
Okay.
Tony Montana
Cause I don't need this shit, mane. I'm in the middle of fucking space, with a crew full of fucking retards in silver suits. Now jou and me could get the fuck outta here and back on ground before diner, jou got me mane.
George Lucas
Okay, how are we gonna do it?
Tony Montana
I don't know mane, you're the fucking writer, you write space movies and we're in space figure it out.
George Lucas
I don't do that anymore, I'm a documenter. I make great movies, do you know who I am!
Tony Montana
I know exactly who you are mane. Tell me, why don't you do it no more.
George Lucas
It was Spielberg. When we were working on Indiana Jones he planted this chip in my head. And when I do better than him he presses this button and it makes me go CRAZY! That's when I made the bad documentaries.
Tony Montana
Okay mane, this what we gonna do. I'm going to go to Ms. Carriage's room and I'm gonna get her to give us the keys to the ship. Then we'll kill everyone else on the crew and fly it back to land, you got me.
George Lucas
Okay, I'll stay here.
Tony Montana
What you pussy? You can't help me?
George Lucas
I don't wanna die.
Tony Montana
Okay mane, I'm gonna get the keys.
Tony gets off the bed, walks over to the kitchen table to his left and grabs the gun and opens the door and heads for Ms. Carriage's room. Tony walks up to her door and knocks.
Ms. Carriage
Who is it?
Tony Montana
Tony.
Ms. Carriage opens the door and Tony walks in. Ms. Carriage sits down on the bed and Tony pulls up and chair so that he faces her.
Ms. Carriage
What can I do for you Tony?
Tony shrugs and continues to stare at Ms. Carriage.
Ms. Carriage
Are you okay, Tony?
Tony Montana
Me? Yeah I'm okay, but it's you who I'm worried about.
Ms. Carriage
Me?
Tony Montana
Yeah jou, you're the only woman on an all male ship. It must not be any fun.
Ms. Carriage
Oh it's okay. Is there anything you wanted?
Tony Montana
Jou know I like the Captain, but I like jou better.
Ms. Carriage
What are you trying to say Tony?
Tony Montana
Nothing. Jou just don't seem happy.
Ms. Carriage
I'm fine. If there's nothing in particular you wanted, you should go to bed.
Tony Montana
There is something I wanted.
Ms. Carriage
What's that?
Tony Montana
The keys to the ship.
Ms. Carriage
I can't give you them.
Tony pulls out the gun and points it at Ms. Carriage's head.
Tony Montana
Where are the keys!
Ms. Carriage
ON THE TABLE!
Tony takes the gun off Ms. Carriage's head and walks over to the table and grabs the keys and opens the door and walks out. Then Tony shoots the electric lock on the door so she can't leave her room. Tony walks into the cockpit to see Captain Tennille, Ben Dover, and Cornelius Cranium sitting in the three chairs faces the big window that displays the outside space. Tony points the gun at Captain Tennille's head and fires. The bullets hits Captain Tennille and he slumps over in his seat. Ben Dover and Cornelius Cranium turn around in fear. Tony fires at Ben Dover's head, it hits him in the middle of his head, he's dead in his seat. Then Tony shoots Cornelius Cranium once in the neck then once in the head, he slumps over and falls on the ground.
Tony Montana
Yeah, who jou think jou fuckin' wit mane. I'm Tony Montana, jou fuck wit me, jou fuckin' wit da best!
Tony fells the barrel of a gun being pushed against his head. Tony turns around and George Lucas is pointing a gun at his head.
George Lucas
Give me the keys Tony!
Tony drops the keys. George scoops them up and runs over to the drivers seat.
Tony Montana
Jou don't even know how to drive this mane!
George Lucas
SHUT UP TONY! I'm GEORGE LUCAS! The greatest director of ALL TIME! I created this station, because I created STAR WARS THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME! SO YOU CAN SIT DOWN IN THIS GODDAMN CHAIR OR I'LL KILL YOU! You think your so big, you're the ultimate bad guy right? Well guess what? Your NOT! Your not as bad as DARTH VADER, ONE OF MY CREATIONS! YOU WISH YOU WERE AS GOOD AS HIM!
Tony Montana
What the fuck are jou talkin' 'bout, mane. I never even seen any of your movies!
George Lucas
WHAT! YOU'VE NEVER SEEN STAR WARS! ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED! IT'S THE GREATEST MOVIE EEEEVVVVERRR MMMAAADDDEE! You've never heard, "Luke I'm your father." THAT'S MY GODDAMN LINE, shit!
Tony Montana
I don't give a fuck, mane. You just a bitch. If I had done coke just now I would have wasted jou. How'd Jou like dat mane? Nobody cares about a movie you did in the 70s, get over yourself, jou got me?
George Lucas
When you address me, you address me with respect. Now if you would excuse me, I'm going to take us home!
George Lucas inserts the key into the ignition. The ship starts up, but it plummets, fast.
George Lucas
God Damn It! Son of a bitch! This isn't how it works in the movies.
Tony Montana
I told jou, jou don't know how to drive it.
George Lucas
SHUT UP TONY! Okay so when Luke Skywalker…
Tony Montana
Shut Up! This isn't a movie.
It fades to black and you hear an explosion.
Narrator
And that's the story of Tony Montana. And if George Lucas reads this, is just a joke we have respect for you and Star Wars, but if you read it real close, Steven Spielberg enchanted George Lucas to act like an asshole, it wasn't Mr. Lucas' idea to act like a straight up dick.