AN: Set and written after "Broken."
The plane was so quiet when JJ entered that she thought she was the only one onboard, and was surprised when she saw Blake sitting in the very back of the plane, with a pensive look on her face.
"Hi, are you okay?" JJ asked as she sat down opposite the other woman.
"I hoped places like that camp wouldn't exist in 2012," Blake said with a sigh, "I hoped we would have grown up and accepted that everything wasn't so black and white."
JJ noticed that there was anger in her voice, maybe a little hurt. This case had affected them more than they both would have liked to admit.
"When I was fifteen, I fell in love with a girl." JJ admitted, "We played on the same soccer team." JJ smiled at the memory, "She was beautiful, and brilliant. And really good at soccer."
"What happened? Or do you not want to talk about it?"
"No, it's okay. I never thought anything would happen with her. I wasn't even sure I wanted it to. But I knew I loved her. And I knew it was real, and that it wasn't any different from when I had a boyfriend.." JJ paused, and looked out the window, "but then one day after practice, we were the last ones in the locker room and out of nowhere she kissed me. And I was so happy. And all the fears I had had before didn't really seem to matter anymore."
Blake looked at her, and JJ had the feeling that the older woman knew something about what she was talking about..
"I could have easily ended up like one of those boys, Blake, I grew up in a small, very catholic town, where everyone knew everyone's business and wasn't afraid to say what they meant. But I was lucky..."
"Why?"
"Because someone loved me enough to talk to me, to try to understand. When I told my mom, she smiled, hugged me, and told me she still loved me. And most of our friends didn't care, and we could still play like we had before. And those kids don't have that. The only thing they have is someone telling them that what they feel, who they are, is something wrong, something disgusting."
"It's hard." Blake said carefully, like she was choosing her words, "knowing that what you are aren't what's expected of you. Being scared of rejection. Being a teenager is hard enough without that fear..."
JJ was surprised by the older women's admissions; they weren't really friends despite working together for months. JJ hadn't felt that instant connection with Blake, as she had with Emily, and maybe that was part of it. She missed her best friend, but she realized that maybe she and Blake had more in common than she thought.
"How did you deal with it?" JJ asked, hoping she hadn't read too much into Blake's words. "I mean, if you don't mind sharing." She added hastily.
"It's fine. I think. It's different now, been a long time. But how I dealt with it? I didn't. I didn't end up like those kids because I never told anyone. At all." Blake said, "Not until after I joined the bureau. I told someone, someone I fell in love with."
JJ could hear the sadness in Blake's voice and knew this story didn't have a happy ending.
"I'm sorry. I hate that the world is this place, I really wish it wasn't. I know that life isn't fair, with the job we do. How could I not? But it is one thing to hunt down serial killers and kidnappers and all the other crap we deal with every day. But seeing those kids at that camp today? It brought up something, something I haven't really thought about in a long time. Most of those boys were just kids; they probably hadn't even had the time to figure it out themselves yet." JJ said.
"I know, this job takes its toll on you. Changes your soul, makes you forget things, and makes you hard. Then something comes up, something unexpected triggers something, something you long left in the past." Blake said, "I think we expect too much of our children, and our friends, our parents. We expect all these things, and we always get disappointed. We believe we know what is right and what is wrong, and in this job, sometimes it's hard to forget that sometimes there is more than that. Paul wasn't evil, he was broken. Someone broke him."
"I wish everyone would just stop making a big deal about who people choses to spend their lives with. I fell in love with Will, and we had Henry and then got married, as I was expected to. But I could just as easily have fallen in love with an Elizabeth, and suddenly that would have made everything different." JJ looked at Blake and caught the sad look in her eyes, "You fell in love with an Elizabeth didn't you?"
"I did. She was beautiful, strong, and intelligent. I wanted everything with her. "Blake said, her voice filled with sadness, and she looked down on her ring.
"Like you, I have a husband. And I love him. I love him, I really do. But had I been brave enough, had she been brave enough. I would still have an Elizabeth. And I really wish it didn't have to be that hard. I found happiness, I got lucky. Sam is amazing and handsome and he understands me. I got lucky, but not everyone does. Look at Paul. He could have been happy; there was nothing wrong with him at all."
"You wish it wouldn't be harder to have an Elizabeth than a Sam or Will." JJ said, "That you didn't have to brave just because you fell in love. That your career wouldn't be in jeopardy if you followed your heart. That it just could be as simple as when I laid eyes on Sarah Horton and realized I loved her. I wish so too. What happened to your Elizabeth?"
"Fear. Shame." Blake tried to smile, "she didn't have the courage she needed to love me back. At least not then. Maybe if she had, things would have been different. But she turned her back on me, on us. In the end, we didn't mean as much as her reputation or her career."
Blake paused, and looked out the window out on the Austin airport. "I can't blame her, I really can't, especially now, after this. The world is still hard, and cold. And unforgiving to those of us that are different. She made a choice, and that choice wasn't me."
JJ reached over and took Blake's hand and squeezed it reassuringly. She wasn't sure quite what had happened between the two of them, but she knew they had bonded. And that they had reached an understanding that JJ didn't think they could have.
"When I first joined the BAU, I was scared. I was scared that someone would find out, that I would be kicked out of the program, after finally finding my place. I was so worried, I didn't tell anyone. It didn't really matter; we all have our secrets rights?" JJ admitted, "But then, about a year after me, there was this woman. She was beautiful and incredible, and without planning it, and without really wanting to we fell in love. So we decided to tell Hotch." JJ smiled at the memory, "and nothing happened."
"What happened to her?" Blake asked.
"We broke up, but we stayed friends until she left." JJ said, preferring to remember the times with brunette that was positive, "but the fact was, no one treated us differently. Derek teased, Garcia flirted and Spence blushed when we were around, but we were still just us."
"Why are you telling me this?" Blake asked, "I mean..." the words never quite forming.
"Because even if we are now both married, I wanted you to know that the world isn't just cold, and hard and unforgiving. It's still beautiful, and so very forgiving. And most of all, this team, all of us, we are family. And there is no reason to be brave when you can just be you."
JJ smiled at the older woman, who smiled back, just as Hotch, Derek and Rossi entered the plane.
"What are you girls doing here?" Derek asked with his normal cheek and charm.
"Oh nothing." JJ smiled at him, "Just chatting."
Blake stood up and walked towards the other end of the plane, before turning around and saying, "Actually we were just talking about ex-girlfriends," and winking at Morgan.
"Oh, wipe that grin of your face, Derek." Rossi added before sitting down in the spot previously occupied by Blake, and gave JJ a knowing look.