We all have scars. Some are hidden from the sights and sounds of the wide
world. Some are right on the surface waiting to be wounded again. And
yet, we all carry them. I know I have mine. Sometimes the scars on the
surface are crying the tears that the hidden ones can't bear to shed. Or
won't shed. So on the surface, they bleed. Over and over they shed their
bloody tears. A cry for help? No one can say, but in this case, I believe
they were.
My premonitions are not always there for me when I would like them to be. They are most often there when I need them, but I don't and can't control them. It's frustrating to me that my gift becomes my curse. For example, I can see my many deaths but none of them prove true because I can avoid them. So I surmise that when my actual death greets me, I will not foresee it. The gift will fail me. And most often it will fail me if I get to close to someone.
In this house it is easy not to get close to Schuldig and Farfarello. Schuldig is a smart-ass to the nth degree and Farfarello, well, he's insane. But Nagi, quiet Nagi. He doesn't want your attention and keeps you at a distance, so how did I get so close? Maybe it is just the simple fact that despite what he wants you to believe about him he is still just a kid. A seriously messed up kid. I mean, none of us are stable. We would probably all be committed for some reason or another, but sometimes I wonder who is more insane. Farfarello or Nagi?
Farfarello has scars you can visibly see. They are so deep that you can trace their patterns right down to their source. You know why he does what he does and he is very predictable. Schuldig's scars are under the skin. Mostly on his mind and heart because that is where people can wound him. Mine are in the past, the present and the future. Nagi's scars only I have seen. I have patched him up so many times, I know where to look. And those scars are bleeding again. Crying for him because Nagi doesn't cry. Nagi doesn't laugh. Nagi can hold no emotion except contempt and sarcasm. Nagi's body wants to experience emotion so badly that it screams. And he denies it. Denies it with a few strokes of the scissor blades and the gushing of blood.
So my gift failed me again. I could not see this, but somewhere in my gut I knew it would happen again. It always does. So when I walked into his room, I was not surprised by what I saw. Nagi, pale and sweating and unconscious. He was face down on the floor and blood was staining his right hand. I saw the scissors, that I thought I had removed for the room the last time this happened, a few feet away. Blood dripped from them. My first thought is not "oh, God" or some other shocked reaction but "He's lucky he didn't land on them when he fell."
I leave Nagi for a few moments to run a tub of water in the bathroom. Once that is done, I begin the slow process of undressing him. First the shirt to see if there are any wounds I would be missing. Then the pants, where I know the bleeding is coming from. I pick him up and carry him to where the warm water is soothing to the skin. We been through this so many times that I could do the routine in my sleep. As I place him in the tub, I watch the blood mingle with the water as I survey the damaged genital region. Two of the cuts are deeper this time. I will have to bandage those. The rest will need antiseptic. I wash the blood from his private area gently and then concentrate on his hand. I never wanted blood on his hands. I would keep him from it if I could. After I get him cleaned up, I drain the tub and wrap a towel around Nagi. For a minute, I am distracted by a few drops of blood on the rug. That's never going to come out. It will have to be replaced. Oh well, back to the task at hand. I pick Nagi up and carry him to his bed. I tend to the wounds, dress him in his pajamas and tuck him into bed.
Just as I pull up a chair to sit with him for a while, Farfarello and Schuldig make sure I know that they are home. They notice Nagi. Farfarello gives me a questioning look, but it is Schuldig who voices it.
"What happened?"
"It's nothing." I say. "Could be that he is just exhausted. Let him sleep. I will stay here for a while and keep watch on him."
"Keep watch on him? What do you think he's going to do? Commit suicide?" Schuldig mouths off with a laugh.
He doesn't know how close he is. I concentrate on shielding my mind from him. Farfarello just raises an eyebrow. I think he suspects something. They say that those in pain know each other.
"Just keep it down tonight. I want him rested." I say.
"Whatever you say. I'm going out anyway." Schuldig responds. "Take care, brat. Come on Farf."
After they leave, I brush some of the hair away from Nagi's face. "Farfarello and Schuldig have each other to some extent. Friends, I guess. Maybe more. But Nagi, who do you have? Poor Nagi, they sure have brainwashed you well, haven't they. Your life should be beginning, not ending. You are more like an old man than a child. I do understand you better than you think though."
Rosenkreuz trained Nagi well. They taught him to think and act and walk and talk. They have given him so much less of a personality than he could have. I understand that Nagi is powerful and that an emotional outburst could trigger that power. But he has no joy. No smiles for life. At least I had them before the future looked bleak.
Nagi's just reaching the major awakening of his body. He can't masturbate for fear of an "emotional outburst" so to get rid of the urge he causes himself pain. He will probably never allow himself to love or have sex.
At fifteen he already has a weird form of eating disorder. He is a health nut to the extreme. He doesn't eat sugar or caffeine, because of hyperactivity which will lead to an "emotional outburst." He can't have alcohol or drugs because it would loosen him up too much and therefore he would be susceptible to releasing his energy. He doesn't watch television or listen to the radio because he fears an information/emotion overload. The internet he can control.
They have so thoroughly brainwashed him into thinking that everything he could do may cause innocent people to die. And because of that he will never be close to anyone. Not me, not Farfarello, not Schuldig. But what I wouldn't give to see those walls come down. For him to smile and laugh and just be a normal kid for once.
Esset continues to control him, though, and I don't interfere. I don't because my scars tell me that someday Nagi and I will die. Our cries for help unheard. So whether he is smiling or not, I would like to hold on to Nagi a little while longer. Scars and all.
My premonitions are not always there for me when I would like them to be. They are most often there when I need them, but I don't and can't control them. It's frustrating to me that my gift becomes my curse. For example, I can see my many deaths but none of them prove true because I can avoid them. So I surmise that when my actual death greets me, I will not foresee it. The gift will fail me. And most often it will fail me if I get to close to someone.
In this house it is easy not to get close to Schuldig and Farfarello. Schuldig is a smart-ass to the nth degree and Farfarello, well, he's insane. But Nagi, quiet Nagi. He doesn't want your attention and keeps you at a distance, so how did I get so close? Maybe it is just the simple fact that despite what he wants you to believe about him he is still just a kid. A seriously messed up kid. I mean, none of us are stable. We would probably all be committed for some reason or another, but sometimes I wonder who is more insane. Farfarello or Nagi?
Farfarello has scars you can visibly see. They are so deep that you can trace their patterns right down to their source. You know why he does what he does and he is very predictable. Schuldig's scars are under the skin. Mostly on his mind and heart because that is where people can wound him. Mine are in the past, the present and the future. Nagi's scars only I have seen. I have patched him up so many times, I know where to look. And those scars are bleeding again. Crying for him because Nagi doesn't cry. Nagi doesn't laugh. Nagi can hold no emotion except contempt and sarcasm. Nagi's body wants to experience emotion so badly that it screams. And he denies it. Denies it with a few strokes of the scissor blades and the gushing of blood.
So my gift failed me again. I could not see this, but somewhere in my gut I knew it would happen again. It always does. So when I walked into his room, I was not surprised by what I saw. Nagi, pale and sweating and unconscious. He was face down on the floor and blood was staining his right hand. I saw the scissors, that I thought I had removed for the room the last time this happened, a few feet away. Blood dripped from them. My first thought is not "oh, God" or some other shocked reaction but "He's lucky he didn't land on them when he fell."
I leave Nagi for a few moments to run a tub of water in the bathroom. Once that is done, I begin the slow process of undressing him. First the shirt to see if there are any wounds I would be missing. Then the pants, where I know the bleeding is coming from. I pick him up and carry him to where the warm water is soothing to the skin. We been through this so many times that I could do the routine in my sleep. As I place him in the tub, I watch the blood mingle with the water as I survey the damaged genital region. Two of the cuts are deeper this time. I will have to bandage those. The rest will need antiseptic. I wash the blood from his private area gently and then concentrate on his hand. I never wanted blood on his hands. I would keep him from it if I could. After I get him cleaned up, I drain the tub and wrap a towel around Nagi. For a minute, I am distracted by a few drops of blood on the rug. That's never going to come out. It will have to be replaced. Oh well, back to the task at hand. I pick Nagi up and carry him to his bed. I tend to the wounds, dress him in his pajamas and tuck him into bed.
Just as I pull up a chair to sit with him for a while, Farfarello and Schuldig make sure I know that they are home. They notice Nagi. Farfarello gives me a questioning look, but it is Schuldig who voices it.
"What happened?"
"It's nothing." I say. "Could be that he is just exhausted. Let him sleep. I will stay here for a while and keep watch on him."
"Keep watch on him? What do you think he's going to do? Commit suicide?" Schuldig mouths off with a laugh.
He doesn't know how close he is. I concentrate on shielding my mind from him. Farfarello just raises an eyebrow. I think he suspects something. They say that those in pain know each other.
"Just keep it down tonight. I want him rested." I say.
"Whatever you say. I'm going out anyway." Schuldig responds. "Take care, brat. Come on Farf."
After they leave, I brush some of the hair away from Nagi's face. "Farfarello and Schuldig have each other to some extent. Friends, I guess. Maybe more. But Nagi, who do you have? Poor Nagi, they sure have brainwashed you well, haven't they. Your life should be beginning, not ending. You are more like an old man than a child. I do understand you better than you think though."
Rosenkreuz trained Nagi well. They taught him to think and act and walk and talk. They have given him so much less of a personality than he could have. I understand that Nagi is powerful and that an emotional outburst could trigger that power. But he has no joy. No smiles for life. At least I had them before the future looked bleak.
Nagi's just reaching the major awakening of his body. He can't masturbate for fear of an "emotional outburst" so to get rid of the urge he causes himself pain. He will probably never allow himself to love or have sex.
At fifteen he already has a weird form of eating disorder. He is a health nut to the extreme. He doesn't eat sugar or caffeine, because of hyperactivity which will lead to an "emotional outburst." He can't have alcohol or drugs because it would loosen him up too much and therefore he would be susceptible to releasing his energy. He doesn't watch television or listen to the radio because he fears an information/emotion overload. The internet he can control.
They have so thoroughly brainwashed him into thinking that everything he could do may cause innocent people to die. And because of that he will never be close to anyone. Not me, not Farfarello, not Schuldig. But what I wouldn't give to see those walls come down. For him to smile and laugh and just be a normal kid for once.
Esset continues to control him, though, and I don't interfere. I don't because my scars tell me that someday Nagi and I will die. Our cries for help unheard. So whether he is smiling or not, I would like to hold on to Nagi a little while longer. Scars and all.