This was written as a script. Just ignore the format and enjoy, broh.
Cold open
Int. Morty's room - evening
MORTY sits at his desk surrounded by books, doing his homework. His door is closed and a laptop sits on the desk next to him. He looks bored. His eyes drift over to his laptop. He pulls it over to himself, opens it, and types in a few keys. A SEXY FEMALE VOICE comes from the laptop.
Sexy female voice
Come on, Baby, wanna play?
Morty gives a worried smile, checks to make sure the door is closed, then begins to lower his hand below the desk and lean back. Suddenly, there are exactly two knocks on the door. Morty goes wide eyed and slams his laptop shut.
MORTY
Who, Who's there?
Rick bursts into the room.
RICK
It's, it's, me, Morty. Ya gotta come with me. We gotta go right now. We gotta go, now!
MORTY
Rick, come on. I don't have time for this. Whatever it is, you can do it yourself. I told you, I have homework I need to do, alright. I'm really falling behind.
RICK
There's no time for homework. There are more important things. We gotta go!
MORTY
That's what you always say. Go away, Rick, I'm behind. All this adventuring, it's really destroyed my grades, you know. I'm falling behind. I'm going to fail if I don't finish this.
Rick takes out his ray-gun, vaporizes Morty's books, then puts it away as Morty looks at the remnants in horror.
RICK
There, your homework is finished. Can we go now?
MORTY
Why did you do that, Rick! Now I'm going to fail. I'm going to fail high-school and get held back. You're ruining my life, Rick. Why are you ruining my life?
RICK
God, I don't have time for your crap today, Morty! We've gotta go now!
Rick grabs Morty's laptop off desk and smacks Morty across the face with it. Morty falls to the floor unconscious.
Sexy female voice
Oooh, yeah. Harder, Baby!
End of cold open
ACT ONE
int. Rick's spaceship - Day
Morty wakes up to find himself in Rick's spaceship, being flown, or more accurately wobbled back and forth in a general direction, by an extremely drunk Rick. Morty gingerly touches his head and finds a bump, making him wince.
MORTY
What? What happened? Where am I? Is this your ship?
RICK
Shh. Shut up Morty, I'm taking you, to, to, the place. Gonna make you a star.
MORTY
What place? Why? Oooh, I don't feel so good. Wait. You hit me. You hit me with my laptop! Why did you do that? Ow, it hurts.
RICK
I need you to stop talking, Morty. Stop talking, now, my head, my head really hurts. I did tequila shots for every planet with rings we've passed. Got bored. Not used to flying without your whiny voice taking, taking up oxygen. Even I have my limits.
MORTY
What are you talking about? Everything is kind of woozy. Do I have a concussion? I think I have a concussion!
RICK
Stop your shrill whiny voice, Morty. I pulled that punch. It's not my fault you have the glass jaw of a little bitch. Now listen! We're almost there.
Rick's ship approaches the planet Wopligorp. He starts to descend into its atmosphere.
MORTY
None of this makes any sense. You, you hit me, knocked me out. You could've killed me.
Ext. Wopligorp- Day
Rick's ship wobbles towards the ground before slamming down hard, causing Morty's door to fly open and for Morty himself to be ejected from the craft. He falls painfully to the ground.
RICK
Okay, here we are. Out you go, I guess.
Morty staggers to his feet and brushes the dirt off himself while Rick staggers his own drunken self out of the ship and over to Morty.
MORTY
Ouch, jeez, Rick, what is wrong with you? You've completely lost it, man. You've gone off the deep end. Why are you even doing this, huh? Why?
Rick groans in reply.
RICK
You never stop talking, do you? If you shut that hole of yours, and use your eyes, you'd see what's going on.
Rick points past Morty, and Morty follows his finger to see a large gathering of aliens outside a large expensive looking church with dentist office decor to it. This is a church to Gloric, a tooth based deity. An alien dressed in something that looks like religious garb mixed in with a little dentist stands outside the church welcoming people in. This is HOPTIN, a five headed alien that speaks in a southern accent and is slightly larger than a tall human.
MORTY
What is this? Some sort of religious gathering, or something? You gave me a concussion and brought me out here for this?
Rick puts a drunken arm round Morty's shoulder.
RICK
Listen, Morty. I brought you out here, because this, this, is where your legend begins. This spot, right here, right now. This is where you become a star! This is where, I make you the greatest mother fucking Medium this galaxy has every seen!
Rick throws up his hands in triumph, but Morty just looks confused.
MORTY
Rick, are you okay? I'm seriously worried about you right now.
RICK
Morty, you know me, I'm Rick. Of course I'm...
Rick falls face first down into the ground, causing Morty to jump back to avoid being landed on. Rick then gets himself back up.
RICK
I'm...
Rick falls back down. Morty looks at him in concern. Rick springs back to his feet and starts walking towards the church.
RICK
I...
Rick falls forward, causing him to role along the ground for a few inches. He gets back to his feet.
RICK
God, I didn't think there'd be so many planets with...
Rick manages to fall backward while keeping his feet firmly on the ground. He tries to move forward, but his feet just give out. He roles back and forth while groaning a little and then picks himself back up.
RICK (CONT'D)
With rings.
Rick falls face down and lies there for a few seconds. Then, he jumps back to his feet and brushes himself off.
RICK
Okay, enough of that, let's go.
Rick and Morty head off towards the church.
EXT. WopliGORP - crowd Outside church- Day
Rick and Morty walk through the crowd of aliens towards the church. Rick looks like he's sobering up. He takes a drink from his flask to celebrate.
MORTY
Hold up, Rick, a Medium? You mean like people who can make stuff float?
RICK
No, Morty, this is why you shouldn't do homework, it's making you dumber. That's a telepath, completely different. A Medium talks to the dead. Channels messages through themselves from the spirits beyond this mortal plane.
MORTY
Aren't those just different words for the same thing? And aren't they both just made up?
RICK
How very closed minded of you, Morty. There are millions of aliens in this galaxy, you think some of them can't float shit with their minds? Or transmit their thoughts? Heck, I think we've met some already. Maybe, I don't know. I'm not going to waste time looking it up.
MORTY
So, you're saying I can become psychic? That you can do something to me so I can float things with my mind? Wow, that's really neat.
RICK
No, Morty, well actually, yes, I could, but that stuff's for amateurs. Nobody in the galaxy's impressed by that. Like I said, you talk to the dead.
MORTY
You're going to do something sciency to me so I can talk to the dead?
Rick
As always, you're a few steps behind. If you'd been following what I was saying, which, obviously, you weren't, you'd have gathered that I already did it.
Morty seems agitated by this idea.
Morty
Wait a minute. You already did it? While I was unconscious? You cut into my brain and did something to me without asking me first?
Rick
Cool it, Morty, you are really being one sandy vagina today. I didn't cut into your brain. Remember, I hit you with the laptop? You were incessantly complaining about it just a second ago?
MORTY
Well, it really hurt. I could've died from that, you know.
RICK
Morty, if I wanted to kill you, I could've just pushed you out of the ship into deep space like one of the million times you've given me reason to and I've fantasized about. Nobody would ever find your cold, dead, twisted corpse out there. I'd be off scot-free, no evidence, and I'd just fly away while your skin dried out, your body expanded, and your blood boiled and vaporized.
MORTY
Umm... Okay.
RICK
No, I didn't kill you because I know what I'm doing. And, because I know what I'm doing, I gave you psychic powers when I knocked you over the head.
MORTY
How does that work?
RICK
Human minds contain locked potential. If they suffer any sort of major trauma, like getting smacked with a laptop, the mind sometimes tries to defend itself by unlocking this hidden potential. In your case, the ability to talk to the dead.
Morty's eyes go wide.
MORTY
Really? Wow, that's amazing, Rick.
RICK
Yeah, it's just like in that movie, Dead Zone, any sort of trauma, if properly applied on purpose or by accident, can waken the latent psychic ability of a human being.
MORTY
Wow, you really mean that, Rick? I can talk to the dead now? I have super powers like Christopher Walken?
RICK
Yes, Morty. But your new ability would be squandered on earth. They wouldn't take it serious enough. That's why I brought you here, Morty, to the planet Wopligorp, these people are true believers. We can get you an audience here, at this religious gathering.
MORTY
So, I'll help the people here connect with their dead loved ones?
RICK
Yes, Morty, I've brought you here to help these people, they are in desperate need of it, lot of dead yearning to share their message with the living. I'll explain it in full detail later. Right now, I need to go look into something. I need you to go in ahead of me.
MORTY
What? Why? I don't think that's a good idea.
RICK
There's that sand again, Morty. There's been tons of times when I left you on your own on an alien planet and you've been just fine.
MORTY
Umm...
Flashback:
Ext. Alien BAZAAR - day
Morty is alone, looking through some alien clothing. he looks like he's enjoying himself. He's approached by ALIEN #1, a medium sized, spongy looking alien with a friendly smile.
ALIEN #1
Oooh, that looks fabulous. Mind if I try that on?
MORTY
Oh, hey, sure, go ahead.
Morty moves out of Alien #1's way of the clothing, but, instead of going for the clothes, Alien #1 reaches over and pulls off Morty's arm and sticks it into his own body. Morty starts screaming in shock.
ALIEN #1
Now that's comfortable and stylish.
End Flashback
EXT. WopliGORP - crowd Outside Church- Day
Rick
Hey, we got your arm back.
MORTY
No we didn't, you sold it to him.
Rick
What, am I supposed to pass up easy money? Fine, so I cloned you a new one, same thing. Look, don't worry, as far as space religions go, this one is pretty tame, and they're super into talking with spirits and shit, which is what matters. You go on in ahead of me. You'll be fine. I'll be in in just a moment.
MORTY
Oh, okay, fine.
Rick walks away before Hoptin can see him with Morty. Morty approaches the entrance to the church and is greeted by Hoptin (Each head his five head will be referred to by number. Ex: HOPTIN HEAD 1). Each of Hoptin's heads are smiling big white smiles.
HOPTIN Head 1
Why hello there, young man. I'm Hoptin, Lateral Incisor in the arch of the Great Golric and preacher at this here church of Golric. Have you come to pray to the might of Golric, who will one day come back and make sure our teeth are cleansed and white for the end of days?
MORTY
Oh, yeah, I have. That sounds really, really great.
HOPTIN HEAD 2
Yes, yes it does. Now, would you care to open your mouth and receive Golric's blessing?
Morty's face turns into a scowl.
MORTY
Oh, no. No. I know where this is going, I'm going to pass on this one.
HOPTIN HEAD 4
Suit yourself. May Golric bless you.
MORTY
(sarcastically)
Yeah, thanks.
Morty continues on into the church. ALIEN #2 approaches Hoptin.
HOPTIN HEAD 1
Hello there. Would you care to open your mouth and receive Golric's blessing?
ALIEN #2
Boy, howdy would I!
Alien #2 opens his mouth. Hoptin reaches into a basket behind himself and pulls out a lollipop, which he places in Alien #2's mouth. Alien #2 makes yummy noises as he sucks on the lollipop.
ALIEN #2
Yummy! Minty fresh and good for mah munchers ta boot! Thank ya kindly.
Alien #2 enters the church.
INT. church- Day
Aliens are singing and clapping whatever they have along with the piano player and chorus lead by a LEAD SINGER, who is a female alien.
LEAD SINGER
Praise be to Golric, for he can treat the cavities deep within our souls!
Rick joins Morty in the back of the church. Rick has a lollipop in his hand.
RICK
Hey, alright, root-beer flavored candy that cleans your teeth. I told you this religion was great. Didn't I, Morty?
Rick pops the lollipop in his mouth.
MORTY
Oh, is that what he was talking about.
RICK
Anyway, down to business. Do you see that over there?
Rick points towards some random alien kid jumping up and down.
MORTY
Yeah, some kid, what about it?
Rick jabs Morty in the neck with a needle and injects him with a serum. Morty winces in pain.
MORTY
Ow! What the hell, Rick. Why did you do that?
RICK
It's to help with your psychic ability. Now get to the front of the church. Go now! Go go go!
Rick pushes Morty to the front of the church and then falls back. Morty looks confused as the aliens sing hymns around him. Suddenly, they all start melting and blurring together. The sound of their chanting gets louder and louder. We enter into Morty's nightmare.
MORTY's NIGHTMARE -Continuous
The alien's forms twist and melt into the form of a giant demonic Beth.
BETH
Morty, you've been bad Morty. Very, bad.
MORTY
Mom, why are you yelling at me? What did I do?
Beth
You need to say my name, Morty!
MORTY
Mom, stop you're scaring me.
BETH
Say my name, Morty, or I'll cook you up. I'll cook you in my stew and eat you unless you say my name!
MORTY
Your name is, Beth, I'm sorry, your name is, Beth! Oh God, don't hurt me! Your name is, Beth. It's, Beth! Beth!
INT. church-Same
Morty is spazzing out on the ground, screaming Beth's name over and over again. Rick, feigning concern, runs up beside him. All the aliens quiet down and stare at what's happening.
RICK
Beth? Are you, child I've never met before, screaming the name, of my Daughter, Beth? The name of my Daughter who is totally dead, no longer living, and died years ago? That Beth?
Morty continues screaming Beth's name.
RICK
It's a miracle! This boy is communicating with my completely and utterly dead Daughter. It's a miracle! Tell me, Beth, tell me something! Let me know that you're okay.
MORTY
Don't cook me, Beth! Don't cook me!
Rick's face droops and he stares at the crowd, thinking fast, he starts to smile.
RICK
That's my Beth, alright! She's a terrible cook. Could burn water trying to boil it, we all know one of those people, am I right? Am I right?
The crowd of aliens start laughing and clapping. They're going right along with everything. Hoptin steps forward from the crowd and examines Morty.
HOPTIN HEAD 4
Truly, this is a gift from Golric himself. This boy needs to be able to share his gift with the world.
MORTY
Not the pot! Not the pot!
RICK
Oh, there she is with her cooking again, that daughter of mine. You know what, I should help this boy get his message out to the world. I'll be his Manager. Because I owe him for bringing me closure, about my totally dead Daughter, and stuff.
HOPTIN HEAD 2
We would be honored if this boy could give another demonstration of his talents. Wouldn't we, oh blessed Molars of Golric's arch?
The crowd cheers.
RICK
You, know, just coincidentally enough, I happen to be an expert on Psychic Mediums. And it looks like this one is pretty worn out.
Morty has finally stopped screaming and is now just twitching on the ground, moaning and drooling over himself. He's also visibly wet his pants.
HOPTIN HEAD 3
Shame, I'm sure our arch of Gloric would like to hear more communique from the departed.
RICK
Oh, don't you worry. I'll have him up and going for tonight.
HOPTIN HEAD 2
That's mighty fine of ya! He can use our auditorium. I'll bet I can gather quite a crowd. You know, we followers of Golric hold those who can talk to the dead in very high regard.
RICK
Really? You don't say, hadn't heard.
HOPTIN HEAD 5
Oh, yes, but I should warn you - should it turn out they are deceivers of the faith, they are dealt with in the traditional manner.
RICK
What, like you excommunicate them or something?
HOPTIN HEAD 1
No, no no, we dip them in a vat of concentrated fluoride. Whitens the skin right down to the bone.
RICK
Wow, you guys really stick to this whole tooth theme pretty stringently, huh? Like crazy for teeth.
HOPTIN HEAD 5
Thank you, we try our best.
End of ACT ONE
ACT TWO
INT. THEATER- evening
Rick and Morty stand in the darkness off stage peering out at the crowd. The curtains are closed, and on stage is only a microphone. Out in the theater is a huge and excitedly buzzing ALIEN CROWD, each eager to hear the name of a dead loved one.
MORTY
I don't know about this, Rick. I don't really know how to control my powers, yet. Are you sure I'm ready for this?
RICK
As sure as I've ever been, Morty. Don't you worry. I'll be right behind you the whole time. Just do what I told you, and you'll do fine.
The lights go on and the curtains rises revealing a SPIRIT CABINET large enough to fit two people and a console. A spirit cabinet has three walls made of cloth curtains and a back wall made of wood. A hush falls over the crowd. Rick gives Morty two thumbs up, then gets on stage and walks to the microphone while the crowd applauds.
RICK
Who's ready to contact the underworld! Give me a "hell yeah."
ALIEN CROWD
Hell yeah!
RICK
I can't hear you!
ALIEN CROWD
(Louder)
Hell yeah!
RICK
Then, without further adieu, give it up for the Amazing Morty!
Morty bashfully walks on stage as the Alien Crowd goes nuts. Rick steps back to the spirit cabinet, giving Morty access to the mic. Morty takes the mic off the stand.
MORTY
Hey there, how, how are you all doing tonight?
The alien crowd goes even more nuts.
MORTY
It's really great to be here, to help you all with my medium powers. And I really hope that I can give some of you closure and let you know that your loved ones are doing okay.
The alien crowd cheers again.
MORTY
Well, umm, lets get this started then, shall we? Ummm. first off, is there, is there a Carl?
The alien crowd is silent. They all give him blank stares. Morty becomes visibly scared.
MORTY (cont'D).
Carl, anyone? Anyone know a, Carl? Maybe a Daryl or a Carol?
Rick nervously laughs and steps forward, grabbing Morty by the arm.
RICK
Just a moment, folks. Getting some interference from the afterlife. Ha ha.
He then draws Morty in close to talk without the crowd hearing.
RICK
Morty, what are you doing?
MORTY
You, you said to just throw out names and my powers would do the rest.
RICK
Those are earth-names, do you see anyone out there from earth?
MORTY
Well, no, I guess not.
RICK
This is an alien planet, they have alien names.
MORTY
Gee, Rick, I don't know any alien names.
RICK
It's not difficult, Morty. Just string a bunch of sounds together.
MORTY
What, how is that supposed to work?
RICK
Stop asking questions and just do it!
Rick pushes Morty back out to the audience. He looks at them, brings the mic back up to his face, and then starts stuttering again.
MORTY
Umm. Sorry about that, ummm, is there a, uh,
(pronouncing each syllable)
Plux-il-fart-an? Yeah, anyone know a Pluxilfartan? Anyone know that guy?
RICK
(muttering so only Morty can hear)
Fartan? Jeez, Morty, what type of stupid name is...
PLEEBL-BLUMBLUM, an alien with a squeaky voice, jumps to his feet and starts screaming at the stage.
PLEEBL-BLUMBLUM
My Husband! My Husband! His name was Pluxilfartan! Oh my god, he's contacted my Husband, it's a miracle, a miracle!
The crowd cheers. Morty gives Rick a smirk, which makes Rick scowl, then addresses the audience.
MORTY
Umm.. okay, and what is your name and where are you from, Mam?
Pleebl-blumblum looks a little embarrassed.
PLEEBL-BLUMBLUM
Well, umm, it's, Sir, actually.
Rick now folds his arms and smirks to himself as Morty starts to sweat, again.
MORTY
Oh, sorry, for that, umm..
PLEEBL-BLUMBLUM
It's okay, no harm, ah, my name is Pleebl-blumblum. I'm from the Jore Galaxy.
MORTY
Hi, Pleebl-Blumblum, nice to meet you, Sir. And, uh, what, what do you want to know about your, umm, Husband?
PLEEBL-BLUMBLUM
I need to know where he hid the money from his inheritance.
Rick steps forward and pulls Morty back, He takes the microphone and addresses the audience himself.
RICK
Now the powerful Medium, the Amazing Morty must go back into his special chamber and connect with the late Pluxilfartan.
Rick pulls Morty back into the spirit cabinet.
INT. SPIRIT CABINET-SAme
Inside the spirit cabinet is empty, except for a console containing a few controls. Rick takes out his portal gun and starts fiddling with it.
RICK
Okay, planet Jore at the house of Pleebl-blumblum and Pluxilfartan.
MORTY
What are we doing Rick?
(referring to the spirit cabinet)
You never explained what this thing is for to me. Does it help focus my powers? Because I don't want to be injected by whatever that stuff was again.
RICK
This thing, is a spirit cabinet, Morty. It does two things. One: shake.
Rick pushes a button on the console and the whole cabinet starts to gently shake.
RICK (CONT'D)
And, two: dry ice, baby! Check it!
Rick giddily pushes another button on the console.
INT. THEAter -evening
Dry ice pours out from underneath the cabinet's curtains and the lights dim. The crowd goes nuts.
Int. SPIRIT CABINET-same
Rick listens to the sounds of the crowd with approval.
RICK
Nothing like some ominous dry ice and shaking to make drooling zealots go crazy. Now, just shut up and follow my lead, Morty.
He aims the portal gun at the wooden back wall and opens up a portal.
Int. ALTERNATE dimension House of pleebl-blumblum and pluxilfartan - Kitchen / Den - day
Pleebl-Blumblum and Pluxilfartan's house is very alien modern, with an open kitchen with no walls separating it from the den. Pleebl-Blumblum is at the sink washing dishes. Pluxilfartan is sitting in a chair reading a newspaper, smoking a very alien style pipe. A phone sits on the sofa table next to him. The phone rings and Pluxilfartan answers it.
PLUXILFARTAN
Yellow.
There's some indistinct chatter from the other-side of the line.
Pluxilfartan
(to Pleebl-Blumblum)
Pleebl.
PLEEBL-BLUMBLUM
Yes, Dear?
PLUXILFARTAN
Who's Promligac?
Pluxilfartan looks shocked, then nervous.
PLEEBL-BLUMBLUM
Ummm...
A portal opens in the side wall, shocking both aliens. An angry Rick jumps out followed by a surprised Morty.
PLUXILFARTAN
What in the heavens?
Rick lunges and Pluxilfartan and starts beating the ever loving crap out of him.
RICK
Are you Pluxilfartan! Are you!
PLUXILFARTAN
What, who are you, what's-?
Rick cuts him off with a few more blows.
RICK
Are you Pluxilfartan!
PLUXILFARTAN
Yes, yes, I'm Pluxilfartan!
Pleebl-Blumblum starts to go to help his husband.
PLEEBL-BLUMBLUM
What is the meaning of this? Why are you-
Rick takes out a laser gun from his lab-coat and points it at Pleebl-Blumblum.
RICK
Don't move mother-fucker! Don't you fucking move!
Rick then starts pummeling Pluxilfartan again, this time also using the butt of the laser gun, knocking Pluxilfartan out of the chair. Rick stands over him and continues the beating.
RICK (CONT'D)
Where's the money! Where's the fucking money from your inheritance? Tell me where it is our I'll blast your shitty fucking head off you ass faced shit stain!
PLUXILFARTAN
Stop hitting me! Stop, it, owww, stop! Please, stop!
MORTY
What are you doing Rick? Just calm down okay, why are you doing this, there's no need for this.
Pleebl-blumblum advances again. Rick gets angry and shoots at Pleebl-Blumblum, grazing his arm. Pluxilfartan screams in horror as Pleebl-Blumblum collapses onto the floor.
PLEEBL-BLUMBLUM
Oh, god he shot me! Why did you shoot me. Ow that hurts. Who is this crazy man in our house?
PLUXILFARTAN
You shot him. Oh my god you shot my husband? Why did you shoot my husband!
MORTY
Why did you do that, Rick? Oh, my god, oh my god you've gone psycho! You, you're out of control!
RICK
Everyone, Shut up. Shut the fuck up, shut up. Shut up right now or the next shot will take his fucking head off!
Everyone goes quiet, except for the quiet sobs of Pluxilfartan. Rick points the laser back down at Pluxilfartan, who cringes back away from it.
RICK (CONT'D)
Where's your inheritance money!
Pluxilfartan just whimpers. Rick grabs Pluxilfartan's collar and pulls him in close, puts the laser gun to his temple, and cocks the trigger.
RICK (CONT'D)
I'm not going to ask you again. Tell me where your inheritance is and this'll all be over.
PLUXILFARTAN
(crying)
It's in a safety deposit box on Glarpdin. Number 0387. Please, please, don't hurt us anymore, I beg you.
Rick drops Pluxilfartan. Rick now has a look of pleasant happiness.
RICK
Thank you.
He turns to Morty while getting off of Pluxilfartan. Morty looks horrified.
RICK (CONT'D)
You hear that, Morty? It's in a safety deposit box on Glarpdin, let's go.
Rick puts the laser away, takes out his portal gun, and reopens a portal. He jumps through, dragging the shocked stupid Morty behind him. Pleebl-blumblum drags himself over to Pluxilfartan, who's passed out from the stress, cradles his head in his lap and starts sobbing.
PLEEBL-BLUMBLUM
Oh, Gloric help us. Oh, Gloric, oh Gloric, no.
The phone, which is still off the cradle and lying on the floor, makes some indistinct noises of concern. Pleebl checks to make sure Pluxilfartan is unconscious and then picks it up.
PLEEBL-BLUMBLUM
(Into the phone)
I told you never to call this number. No, I'm not mad, but you have no idea how close we came to being found out. Well I have a surprise for you, can you swing by in a few hours? I have to go to the hospital first. Yeah, it's been a crazy day. How 'bout a trip to Glarpdin? Okay, love you, see then, Honey. Don't forget to bring the mask.
INT. SPIRIT CABINET- Evening
Rick and Morty step out of the portal back in the spirit cabinet.
MORTY
What the hell was that, Rick. That was really messed up, you know! You just shot a guy!
RICK
We don't have time for this, Morty. The shaking and dry ice is only going to distract them for so long.
MORTY
I thought we were here to speak to the dead, but instead we're jumping through portals, shooting people!
RICK
Aliens.
MOrty
Shut up! I'm not going to help you anymore! Not until you tell me what's happening! I want the real reason why we're here, Rick. Tell me or I don't go back on that stage!
Rick seems oddly calm and uncaring.
RICK
I was wondering how long it was going to take you to start raising an eyebrow. I mean, getting smacked in the head causing psychic powers? I can admit, not my best lie.
MORTY
So, it was just a lie? You made it up!
RICK
Yes, Morty, you can't talk to the dead using psychic powers. I lied, I made it all up, this whole thing is a scam.
MORTY
You brought me all this way for a scam? What the hell, Rick! If this isn't real and I can't talk to the dead, then what about that crap you injected me with? You said it was supposed to enhance my psychic powers. You said while I was out I was screaming the name of dead people and channeling their spirits. It freaked me out!
RICK
That? LSD.
MORTY
(shocked)
It was what?
(furious)
You injected me with LSD?
RICK
Yeah, well, normally I'd take time to concoct something that'd make you do what I wanted you to do, but according to my model of your psyche.
Rick takes out a device from his pocket and projects a holographic image of Morty, showing a dissection of Morty's body and a bunch of figures and information about him.
RICK (CONT'D)
the most likely thing that you'd hallucinate on LSD is a family member tormenting you into saying their name over and over again. So, you know, I figured that'd be easier.
MORTY
Why do you have this! Why does it tell you what'd happen if you injected LSD into me?
RICK
I don't know, got bored. Never know when it'll come handy. I did not see the cooking thing coming, though. You've got some real issues there, Morty. Real bad issues.
Rick puts the hologram away.
MORTY
Why the hell did you inject me with LSD? Why did we have to go to that alternate dimension and beat up that alien?
RICK
We just went to a dimension where Pluxel-whatever was still alive and got the information we needed from him. The dead are dead, Morty. There are a multitude of realities out there with living people to talk to.
MORTY
What about them? You really hurt them!
RICK
(Getting impatient)
Who cares? Screw 'em, they're in another dimension. What are they going to do about it? Now I'm done answering your questions, we've been in here too long. Get out there, you're in just as deep as I am now. You wanna guess what'd happen if that crowd finds out that you've been lying to them this whole time? They dip you in fluoride until the skin burns off your bones. You want that to happen? Because, that's what'll happen. Now you can cry like the little shit I know you are, or you can go out there and help give that grieving widow closure.
MORTY
You know, Rick, I really hate you sometimes.
RICK
Yeah, well, you'll thank me later. Now get out there.
Rick pushes Morty out of the spirit cabinet.
INT. THEAter -same
Morty stumbles out of the spirit cabinet followed by Rick. He looks back at Rick angrily as he walks towards the crowd. His angry face melts as the crowd cheers his return. He sees Pleebl-blumblum standing in the audience, hands clasped and face full of hope and anticipation. Morty relents.
MORTY
Umm. Your wife, I mean, your husband said that he left the money in safety deposit box number 0387 on planet Glarpdin. I hope that brings you some closure.
Pleebl-blumblum breaks down crying.
PLEEBL-BLUMBLUM
Oh thank you the Amazing Morty, thank you so much. Oh, I do, I do feel like I now have closure. Thank you. Thank you.
The crowd loses its god-damn mind in approval and Morty smiles.
END OF ACT TWO
Act Three
MOntage
- Morty finds someone with a dead relative. The person in the crowd this time showing a picture of who they'd like to contact.
- Rick and Morty go to an alternate universe to get the needed information.
-Morty slowly gets Rick to ask for the needed information rather than beat the stuffing out of hapless aliens.
- Rick and Morty head back, tell the person in the crowd what they've learned, the person gets closure, thanks them, and the crowd goes wild.
end montage
INT. Wopligorp - Rick and morty's condo -Day
Rick and Morty lounge in a fancy looking dental/religious themed room. Morty lies on a bed eating grapes and reading a comic. Rick is lounging next to an AUTOMATED BAR.
AUTOMATED BAR
Drink, Sir?
RICK
Do you have to ask? Give me the Sanchez Screws Your Aunty. That's equal parts gin, vodka, absinthe, brandy and blackberry liquor with three shots of tequila and a dash of habanero hot sauce, go.
AUTOMATED BAR
Making drink, Sir.
The machine starts making noises, then a highly alcoholic looking, redish drink comes out of a dispenser.
AUTOMATED BAR
Enjoy drink, Sir.
Rick takes it and starts drinking.
RICK
Ah, this is the sweet life. Drink, drink this every day. Anyone who can't is a goddamn pussy who will never get laid.
AUTOMATED BAR
Rub down, Sir?
RICK
You do that? Gross. No. Buzz off. Later.
AUTOMATED BAR
Sleep Mode activated.
The Automated Bar goes into sleep mode.
MORTY
You know, Rick. I'm really glad you talked me into this. I feel like I'm helping a lot of people, or aliens, overcome their loses.
RICK
See, Morty, you could just be back there living your normal life. Going to school, then going to college just to be chewed up and spit out by the nine to five. But you're not. You're here, making a difference. Helping people out.
MORTY
Yeah, Rick, this may be a scam, but at least, you know, it's a scam that can help a lot of people.
RICK
Well, hey, that's religion for ya.
Hoptin walks into the room.
HOPTIN HEAD 4
Ah, most Amazing Morty and Rick. I hope you are finding the accommodations to your liking.
MORTY
Yeah, this place is real great, thank you.
HOPTIN HEAD 3
Well, I have brought you a very special guest. He traveled across the galaxy just to meet you, Amazing Morty. May I introduce, his most exulted, closest to our Lord the Great Gloric may he floss the cosmos, his most white and minty fresh, his Excellency, the CENTRAL INCISOR.
RICK
Crap, Morty, get up, get up.
MORTY
What? Why?
Rick and Morty get up as in walks the Central Incisor, an old alien dressed in garbs like a pope mixed with an orthodontist, flanked by two guards, Canine #1 and Canine #2, who are armed with spears with teeth for points.
Central incisor
A blessed cleansing to you all. This must be the young man I've heard so much about.
RICK
(Whispering to Morty)
Morty, this guy, do you know who that is!
MORTY
(Whispering to Rick)
No, Rick, who is this guy?
RICK
(Whispering to Morty)
This guy is basically the Pope of Space. The Space Pope.
MORTY
(Whispering to Rick)
Wow.
(To the Central Incisor)
It, it's an honor to meet you, your Holiness.
Everyone looks at Morty in shock. The Canines lower their spear tips at Morty.
CENTRAL INCISOR
What is this?
HOPTIN HEAD 2
What did you say to his Most Exulted One!
MORTY
What I... umm..
Rick puts a hand on Morty's shoulder.
RICK
Sorry, sorry, your Excelency.
(Whispering to Morty)
Morty, what are you thinking? This is a religion centered around teeth. They hate holes! You basically just called the Space Pope a cavity! That's like calling him a child molester here.
MORTY
Oh, oh no, oh crud.
(To the Central Incisor)
I'm so sorry. Sorry. Really sorry.
Rick walks over to the Central Incisor.
RICK
Quiet, Morty, you've done enough damage. Let me do the talking.
(Overly exuberantly to the Central Incisor)
Ehem, your Excellency. I am so sorry for my Grandson. Some foul spirit must be lingering in his head. Let me say how honored we are that you'd come down here so we could be in your presence. May Gloric himself scrape your plaque away.
CENTRAL INCISOR
It is okay, my sons. Blessed are those who are in the house of Gloric.
HOPTIN HEAD 4
Wait a second, did you just call him your Grandson?
RICK
Ummm... what, oh, hey, did I?
MORTY
Yeah, he's my Grandpa. Why?
RICK
(Under his breath to Morty)
Ix nay on the Andpa ay. Okay-ay?
MORTY
Huh? What's going on?
HOPTIN HEAD 1
(To Rick)
I thought you said you'd never met this boy before.
RICK
Crap. Well, I can explain, you see-
Rick kicks the Central Incisor in the crotch, dropping him.
CENTRAL INCISOR
Ooompah.
Everyone looks at the act in shock.
RICK
Suck on that you hole headed bitches!
HOPTIN HEAD 5
He's assaulted his Excellency! Get him!
HOPTIN HEAD 1
They're working together, get them both!
HOPTIN HEAD 3
Dip them in fluoride!
MORTY
Rick! What did you just do! Why did you do that!
RICK
Just run, Morty! Let's go!
Canine #1 lunges his spear at Rick, but Rick parries, disarms him, gets his spear, then uses it to knock down both Canine #1 and Canine #2. Then he drops the spear and he and Morty run out the door and into the hallway.
INT. Alien Apartment Hallway -Same
Rick and Morty run away. Canine #1, Canine #2 and Hoptin come out the doorway behind them and give chase.
RICK
Hurry, Morty, we've got to get to the ship!
MORTY
Rick, why did you do that! I don't understand!
RICK
Haha! Always wanted to do that! Didn't think it was gonna happen then, but hey! When life opens the door, sometimes, sometimes, you just gotta just go for it am I right? Now come one Morty, the ship is right over here!
EXT. Space- Day
Rick and Morty whiz through space dodging shots from a large alien ship shaped like a tooth. Tiny tooth brush ships whiz around also taking shots. Rick deftly maneuvers to avoid the shots, but he does not fire back.
int. rick's Spaceship-same
MORTY
What the hell, Rick! You have me lie to these people only so you can assault their Pope and fly away? That's real messed up, man! What're you going to do, now? Slaughter an entire fleet of them just so we can get away?
RICK
Don't worry, Morty, that's not what your Grandpa has up his sleeves. No one's going to die, I promise you on your... wait a second, hold on!
Ext. Space - same
Rick veers the spaceship to deliberately maneuver into the gap between two very close asteroids, causing two of the chasing tooth brush ships to collide into the asteroids, exploding on impact.
int. rick's Spaceship- same
RICK
Ha! Floss that chumps! That's a classic, eh Morty? Ha ha! Sorry, I know what I said, but that one, that one just kind of wrote itself.
MORTY
Rick!
RICK
Okay, fine, sorry, no one else is going to die. I promise. Just give me a moment to lose them.
Ext. Space - same
Rick presses a button and his ship releases a cloud of thick dust at the chasing fleet. He then lands on a nearby asteroid, turns off the power, and lets the whole fleet fly right past.
int. rick's Spaceship- same
RICK
There, easy. Now, let me just get out of here and I'll explain everything to you, I promise.
Ext. Space - same
Rick takes off again and flies away.
Ext. Space Gas station - Same
Rick lands the ship in a space gas station's parking lot and he and Morty get out. An electronic billboard by the building changes from an ad for Eye Holes to a wanted poster for Morty, blaming him for everything Rick's done.
MORTY
Oh my god, Rick, look at that. I'm wanted! There, going to hunt me down! Why is this happening! I didn't want this!
RICK
Hey, congratulations! Welcome to the club, you're a wanted man, just like you're Grandpa, ha ha. Keep it up Morty and you'll be the scourge of the galaxy too one day. They'll have to send a whole armada just to deal with ya.
MORTY
No, Rick, this is all your fault! You need to explain what's going on to me. What in the hell! I have never seen you like this before. You've had me do some terrible things for you and now I want answers. No more hiding things from me. You know, I'm a fugitive now because of you!
RICK
Well, you know what Morty? You know what?
MORTY
What, Rick? What!
RICK
You know what you are, Morty? You know what you are? Do you?
MORTY
Is this still some sort of game to you, Rick? What am I? Huh? Tell me! Please do explain what is going on. You know, I'd love to hear it.
Rick
You're just a
(Emphasized)
"Small Medium at Large."
MORTY
What? I...
Before Morty can finish his sentence, a bunch of cameras surrounding Rick and Morty decloak. 50s style game-show music plays and an alien, SQUILLY BLOOPHER, with slicked back hair and one of those thin mics you see on old game-shows, walks over to them. Rick looks at it all in delight.
SQUILLY BLOOPHER
Rick Sanchez, you've managed to tell your joke! Now, Judges, tell us how he's done!
MORTY
Wha?
A panel of three judges materializes. They each hold up a weird alien symbol one after another.
SQUILLY BLOOPHER
I've never seen a score like that in all my life! Rick, your joke "Short Medium At Large" has just won the grand prize of five million quabillons!
There's more music and fanfare.
SQUILLY BLOOPHER(CONT'd)
What do you have to say?
Rick starts dancing in triumph.
RICK
Yeah, mother fucker, yeah. I won. Ha ha. I totally deserve this. I'm the best. Greatest joke writer in the world. Yeah! I rule! Give it up!
SQUILLY
And how about yourself, young man?You've just help win the grand prize, how do you feel?
Morty just looks at everything in shock.
MORTY
Rick, what's happening?
RICK
I won Wopligorp's gameshow: Wopligorp's Most Elaborate Joke, Morty. All of this was to win. You have to do something really elaborate to tell a joke. Man, I've been trying to become a contestant for ages! Do you know what this means? We just made five million quabillons! Do you know how much that is? We're on easy street baby, yeah! And I couldn't have done it without you, Morty! The joke wouldn't have made sense with a tall guy, it had to be you, Morty! I I needed a short person for the joke to work. And we did it, yeah!
MORTY
You mean, all this, lying about being a medium, beating up people in alternate realities, assaulting the Pope, those two dead pilots, this was all to tell a joke to win a game-show?
RICK
Yes, Morty, it was a scheme hidden inside a a scam! Schemescam! And it payed off big time! Yeah! We won, I'm going to Swamalon, gamble like crazy, buy that shit I always wanted, Haha! Won Most Elaborate Joke and kicked a Pope in the balls! Best day ever!
Morty looks dumbfounded, then he starts screaming in a mix of shock, rage and exasperation. Rick continues dancing around, celebrating his victory.
SQUILLY BLOOPHER
Thanks for watching the show, tune in next time when one lucky jokster will win on Wopligorp's Most Elaborate Joke!
RICK
Fuck the Pope, yeah!
End of Act Three
TAG
Int. HOPTIN's Spaceship - a few moments earlier
All of Hoptin's heads are angrily watching Rick and Morty on a display screen in his ship. The screen displays a target reticle on Rick and Morty with the word LOCKED ON.
HOPTIN HEAD 2
Chew on this, blasphemers.
On Screen:
MORTY
... Tell me! Please do explain what is going on. You know, I'd love to hear it.
RICK
You're just a
(Emphasized)
"Small Medium at Large."
INT. HOPTIN'S Spaceship - same
All of Hoptin's heads pause to take in what was just said as the rest of the scene plays out on the screen. They then all burst out laughing. Then the laughter of HOPTIN HEAD 5 turns to tears. It detaches from the body, sprouts little feet and runs away. The rest of the head's look after him in shock, then just look annoyed.
HOPTIN HEAD 3
Some guys just can't take a joke.
End of tag