Fishy Warfare
Chapter 1
Link was walking around the upper Zora's River, when he realised that there was a door planted on the side of a steep cliff.
He curiously walked in and went into the small house.
"Hi!" said a woman at the counter.
"Um... Hi. Listen, what exactly is this place?" Link asked.
"You mean you walked in here ignoring the letters my sister and I sent out?" the woman asked.
"What letter?" Link asked.
"You mean you ignored the sign in front of the door?" the woman said, rolling her eyes.
"Um… you mean that thing I tripped over?" Link asked.
"Well, my name's Hena. Welcome to the fishing hole," she said, sighing.
"Cool. But you still didn't answer my question. What do you do here?" Link asked.
"This is a fishing hole. You fish for fish here," Hena said, pointing to the fish tank, and Purdy, the bird.
"What does a bird have to do with fish?" Link asked.
"Purdy eats people!!!" Hena screamed.
"Okay… By the way, your name sounds funny," Link said.
"So… would you like to fish with a sassy guide, or do you want me to throw you at the beehive outside?" Hena said.
"I'd like to fish!" Link said, smiling.
"And because it's your first time here, you get it free," Hena said.
The two climbed into a canoe and pushed off into the water.
"Okay… how do I use the boat?" Link asked.
"First you get out a paddle," Hena said, showing the paddle to Link.
Link got out the paddle, hitting Hena in the face in the process.
"Then you gently sway the paddle back and forth in the water," Hena said, gritting her teeth.
Link splashed in the water.
"You did it. Wow. I'm totally stoked," Hena said, moaning.
"Yay! I'm a real man!" Link said, rowing really fast on one side so the boat capsized.
The two swam to the bank of the river.
"Because you capsized the boat with me in it you must pay 100 rupees," Hena said.
Link handed Hena 100 rupees.
"Thanks for your time spent here," Hena said, scowling.
She went back inside.
Link walked in again.
"Hey, can I fish again?" Link asked.
"Yes, I would let you, but there is a policy that we can't allow ugly men in green tunics in," Hena said.
Link changed into his Zora Armour.
"How about now?" Link asked.
"You're still ugly," Hena said.
"How about now?" Link said, dying his hair black.
"No," Hena said.
"How about now?" Link asked, putting on a Zora costume.
"No," Hena said.
"How about now?" Link asked, putting a fish on his head.
"Fine, but it will cost you 500 rupees," Hena growled.
"I don't have that kind of money! I guess I'll have to blow up stuff with bombs to see if there are rupees hidden anywhere!" Link said.
Link attempted to blow up the fish tank, the Rollgoal course on the table near the door, Purdy and her cage, the door, the trees around the fishing hole, the rock formations in the water, the waterfall, the beehive, the photos on the wall, Hena's canoe, and Hena herself.
"It seems the programmers of this game weren't careless enough to let you blow up anything except for boulders," Hena said.
"Hey, I forgot! I still have 1000 rupees left!" Link said, chuckling. "Silly me!"
"Just pay up," Hena said, unamused.
Link payed Hena 500 rupees.
"Yay! I get a boat!" Link said, stealing all the lures Hena had.
"NUUEZ!111!!! Hena screamed. "I WILL GET JOO!"
Link looked at the lures.
"Hmmm… this one is yellow and red," Link said, throwing a lure into the water.
"This one is green," Link said, throwing a lure into the water.
"Hey! This one's shaped like a frog!" Link said, amazed.
Hena got into a canoe and started to row like mad.
Link put the Froglure in his mouth.
"Mmmm… tastes like chicken!" Link said, chewing the body of the model frog.
Hena hit Link on the head with an oar.
"Take that!" Hena said.
"Ow," Link said, five seconds after he was hit.
"And that!" Hena screamed.
"Ow!" Link said.
"Hiyah!" Hena screamed, hitting Link again.
Link fell onto the side of the boat, making the boat capsize.
Hena grabbed the disembodied froglure.
"NUEZ! My froggy!" Link cried.
A Hylian Loach caught Link's lower body in its mouth.
"A Hylian Loach? The rare fish no-one's seen before!?" Hena gasped.
Link swam to the bank of the river, with the Hylian Loach grabbing onto his legs, still.
"Keep it there! I'll give you money for the fish!" Hena screamed, rowing back to the bank of the river.
"What fish? Hey, look! A Hylian Loach!" Link said.
"NUUEZ!" Hena screamed.
"Well, these things can't survive out of water, so I'll chuck it into the lake!" Link said.
"Nooooooooooo!" Hena screamed, in slow motion.
Link threw the Hylian Loach into the water.
"ARGH!" Hena screamed.
As a last resort, she cast a fishing rod into the water with the disembodied froglure, and the Hylian Loach tried to chomp it.
"Yesssss! I will catch you, O wicked fish!" Hena screamed evilly.
The fish pulled so hard that Hena fell into the water.
"Nooo! All is lost!" Hena sobbed, climbing onto the shore.
"Not all! Because of that heroic feat, you can get a free date with me!" Link said, smiling cheesily.
Hena fainted, then fell into the water, woke up, and went unconscious.