A Cautious Evolutionary Move

Looking for a ladder
In the stratosphere
So I can be happy
Let my problems melt away…..

…..Running on a plane
with a cigarette
I carry my heart
like a soldier with a hand grenade….

-Beck

Chapter One:

I did not sit on an empty spinning bed for months. I didn't have the time. I didn't have the chance. I never have the chance. I can hear Kara in my mind, "poor Lee always late for party, to the revolution, to the dance, to save me." I can hear her. I think, I know that there have been too many times she was trying to tell me something. Something she couldn't get out and now she is gone and now I can't even mourn her. The only time I have is to get back on track…I can not suffer for her the way I want or should. I don't because they wouldn't let me.

They could be anyone. The Cylons. The Cylon Raiders. The Cylon Basestars. Those unknown Cylons not on their Raiders or their Basestars, just lurking out there waiting to be discovered. They could the President, my Father, my wife, the children I'll never have, the lawyer who knew a piece of me. All of them all stuck in time with me, all beside me flying, sailing in broken dust and fragments of what use to be, no….. Not me, never me. I am too mighty, king of the pilots, master of nothing and confusion. They. They all keep moving and that means I have to move with them.

I never get to stop. Get out stretch my legs, breath the air, carry the sound. Why should Kara's death be any different or tragic than any of the others. Those faces on the walls. Only they aren't walls really. Slates of metal and alloy bucking concaving just enough to let the pin cushion feel pierce through to hold the image of what they all use to be. The dead take up more room on this ship than the living. And where does that leave me?

Standing spinning looking into the haunted face of a woman….a being, a thing. She looks familiar. I am familiar with her. We know each as well as enemy combatants can know each other. I know those eyes, that mouth, that hair. I know this woman. And we have never really met. She is dressed in all black this lady of death. She is tall, lean, taught, and perfect despite her incarceration. She is suffering and will not allow herself to feel. She is a Cylon and she just glanced at me.

I can feel her pain or can she feel mine? Does my distraction get to her, or does her need get to me? She is a predator and she is alone cut off from her pack. And worst of all, worse than genocide, and thousands of screams bought on by my hand, worse than Kara, and Kara getting dead, and Kara getting married and Kara running off, and Kara blowing up and blowing up being worse than her married and just as dead, worse than all of this unrelenting frakking nightmare of shit that keeps on keeping on is that this thing, this dangerous murderess thing is stunning, tragic and beautiful and haunting and deadly, accurate, sensuous and beautiful.

And I said that already.

I have seen her many disguises. Battered and abused, tortured alone, curious in wondering if her crime was worthy of the punishment bestowed by the Admiral who was not my father, the wounded and bruised thing that vanished after her just revenge? Or calculated murder? It was not my battle then to worry about her. the other, serious, a provincial clerk in disguise, glasses (dad mentioned her glasses), trying to convince us, to get us to believe the very thing we are ironically trying dissuade others from believing, the sick one, again so alone, so helpless, reaching for something, running against her fear, running to the very thing we all….humans cling to.

All these different persona's all with the same number: Six

Our eyes meet and our pain merges. We loved and we lost and we sit. She sits I stand. We share this moment. And what comes from her are words behind words. It's their way, women and the machines who pretend to be. She uses words like "feckless" and "vain" and somewhere inside I know she means he left me. I'm all he had, all that could tolerate, all that could stand the sight of him and he left ME.

She's wounded and outraged. I know how she feels.

She is low. Level. Never looses her cool. Never breaks a sweat not a hair out of place. Perfect. She has to be a machine, because she is unusual and seems to scream love me I'm unusual. She is unreal. And that is all that has gotten into me today. Oh yeah I registered all the other things, be a man, step out of my father's shadow, help Sam, help Kara, meet with the President, all the usual trappings. I get them. I do. Yet no one gets me. No one understands what it was like, no one was there. Not one person on this ship watched as Kara…..and now I can't say it.

In that shared eye catching moment she knew. Yet they are not like us. They don't register things at the speed we do. They are faster, everything they do is a second faster. That's the imperative. I couldn't hide it, was not really trying and there she was reading me like so many strands of code. She knew. And I knew and now I can't stop thinking about her. About what Dr. Baltar said….about how she could destroy him. They have been trying to destroy us since before I was born, they evolved, they have this elaborate agenda and yet she gave that all away for what? Not for Gaius Baltar, no….not for Athena or her child. No….not to be here…..and yet she is……the question is why?

I need to know.

This handsome man walks into my cell. The whispers of my phantom love hiss in jealousy. The handsome man takes a seat just to my right. The handsome man seems to have a lot occupying his thoughts. I lean a little to get a sense, to try to see if I can feel the blood in his mind moving. Nothing. I miss who I use to be. We sit in silence of each other. The dull steady pulse of the Galactica's engines, the oxygen scrubbers, the rattle of the marine rifles, the handsome man's breathing. I see Gaius out of the corner of my eye. He is openly scowling at the man. Neither has said a word. We where never programmed to be bored.

"I don't know why I am here." the handsome man says.

"Neither do I."

"My name is Lee Adama."

"I don't have a name. I have a designation."

"Well that's not exactly true is it?"

"Now I don't know what you mean."

"Gaius….er…Dr. Baltar said you are Caprica Six…..that struck me as odd. From what I know you all have numbers….well except for Sharon…"

"We all? Yes we all have numbers, including Sharon….she is an Eight and I am a Six."

"Yes you are a Six…..but why Caprica Six…..why would he call you that…..after our home world….its odd to me…..frankly a little morbid…..do you understand morbid?"

"I do. I understand a lot of things."

"You can see where this is going…..you can't tell him….can you? Fess up and all that….tell him who you really on darling…." Gaius dares me. His eyes now entirely focused on me. The heat rises, the handsome man, Lee….he suspects some truth. The real truth. The truth if known would mean my certain death, possible resurrection? No I don't want that. There is something to be done here. It is not to save "him." No it is to save myself. If such a thing is possible. This is what I will say:

"I had a mission on Caprica and I fulfilled it. Lee Adama….Major. Former commander of the Battlestar Pegasus. I know a lot of things. I understand more than you could imagine Lee Adama. We are alike in many ways."

"We are not the same." he says this adamantly. To a point he believes.

"We bleed and we feel, we love and loved, we fight and we die."

"Come on, you don't die and you know it." he says, with a slight air of bitterness.

"We die often enough and you know it. So my name is a tribute to my mission's success. I did not want the designation. It was bestowed upon me by my….masters yes…..masters. I am a solider like you. I was programmed like you to fulfill my mission. We are more alike than you can ever imagine."

The handsome Lee Adama. Major, he looks lost. I understand that.

"You know the more time we spend near your kind, the worse off we all become." Lee says with a hint of irony.

"That's funny the same was said about me…...Cylon psychology is based on projection."

"What does that mean?" Lee asks leaning in a bit closer. He has the scent of bourbon, sweat, engine oil and grief, a lingering hint of woman, of aftershave, possibly homemade. Its nice.

"It means I never get bored. Just restless."

"Aren't they the same thing?"

"No they are not."

He thinks for a moment. Gaius leans against the wall peering angrily at me. I have never seen him like this.

"I don't know why I thought coming in here and talking to a machine would help me. This is how frakked up I have become……Did you really love Gaius Baltar?" he asks not sure of the question.

"You know the answer to that question. Why does it matter to you if I did?"

"I don't know. I guess it matters. It changes things doesn't it?"

"It certainly did for me. I gave it all away for him; I changed my world, my universe. I don't know if it was for the better."

"How does it feel to be cutoff from them? Your Cylon comrades?"

"Different. It feels different. I have so many feelings trying for the surface of me that I have begun to silence them, to force them down. It's a struggle just to breathe with all that longing and missing, I try to shut it out, it's a difficult thing. I never use to feel this, and now it's all I feel."

Moments pass. Lee, Gaius and me. What are we doing here?

"You've got him now darling. Is this the entire truth?"

Handsome Lee Adama rises from the chair taking his sweat and bourbon and lingering scent of his marriage with him. He looks back at me as if understanding meant too much, as if questions answered tore open wider holes, I look back into his eyes, so clear and blue, I think of the sky and I smile at him. He looks devastated. The water sparkles and the waves gently lap the sandy shore. The guard closes the cell salutes the Major. I am snapped back into the reality of the cold cell, the bland blankets, the metal table.

Gaius is nowhere to be seen. I think of Lee and close my eyes.

Walking to Joe's and I've never needed a drink more. What is it about them? Is it that they are machines that bleed? Is it that we think we can get answers out of them that make sense? Is it that they mock us with their very existence? Is it that they are so real? I could feel the heat that radiated off of her. Like a walking furnace, make it twelve drinks. Something had to make this day end.

I sit at the bar at the very end and notice all the usual suspects, Racetrack and Skulls, Hotdog, Seelix….Chief and Cally huddled in a corner. Life moving at the same pace. I should go check on Romo; on Gaius, on my wife….nothing scares me more right now that dealing with all that. I down my shots and make my way out of there before anyone can say "Hey Apollo how are you holding up?"

How am holding up? My father tried to make it better by giving me my wings back and it only made things worse. He never understands, I never understand. I am not sure where to go what to do, I can't do this anymore and so I grounded myself in a manner of speaking. This inherently brings about worse things to do with my headspace. Being grounded means I have nothing to do. Being grounded means I have nowhere to go but home. Being grounded means I now have the time to think about Kara.

I wander the ship in a daze and find myself on the observation deck. The only glimpse of the universe that can be seen on this tub. The line isn't so long and I wait. The random pieces of conversation drift in and out of my senses.

"He is guilty he's always been, remember that toaster said he gave away our secrets…its all connected man……have you seen her picture on the wanted list…..she's a hot one….."

"Everyone deserves a trial…..even him…."

"Did you hear about the pilot who killed herself?'

"I heard that the chief beats his wife…."

Like we don't exist.

Civilians run the ship now. Starbuck was right. They all turn and notice the marine salute me and suddenly the conversation stops and they all have somewhere else to be. It leaves me alone with another couple in a heated embrace. I sit and watch the stars. Billions of tiny lights. Someone looking at me right now? A passerby in the night? I close my eyes and I think of her. I see her viper go up and break into tiny pieces. I keep them shut. I feel dizzy like I'm going to be sick. I take a deep breath and get up and head to my quarters.

My wife sleeps. Rolled tight in a ball. She has not said many words to me lately. I've said less to her. A choice that seemed so right now….seems like more bars for my cage. Does she feel it? I stare at the bed. I stare at the walls, I stare at the books. None of it makes any sense to me. This can't all be my stuff. This can't all be me?

I take a pillow as soundless as I can and I lay on the sofa. When I close my eyes I see her. Not the blonde that was Kara, not the blonde who I left the day our world went away, but the blonde in the cell. The one who is changing the air I breathe. The one who lets me think of other things. I lie still for the longest time thinking of her. This woman who is anything but. I think of Gaius Baltar and his obvious fear of her. of what she could do to him. His words echoing in my mind….."she can destroy me." The day was playing over in my mind. Sam on the deck, the wall of the dead, Romo, Dad, but I kept going back to her. Thinking of her made all the hurt go away. Thinking of her made no sense. It was the perfect distraction. I think of her and her beauty and her ferocity. I think of her because understanding her is hell of a lot easier than anything on my mind right now. I think of her. I want to understand the fascination. I shake myself out of my reverie. Its too crazy, and I am going crazy.

She is the enemy. I close my eyes and I go to sleep.

They turn the lights down at a certain point. I find it positively amusing and so does Gaius. We face each other the light of the moon reflecting off the water dancing in his eyes. His jealousy from Lee Adama's visit seems to have subsided and he seems downright playful now. I am distracted and my mind drifts back to Lee's eyes. Filled with sadness and grief I wondered why….

"You fancy him don't you?" Gaius asks handing me a martini reading my thoughts.

"No….I am curious about him. He seems different somehow."

"And what about "him"?"

"There is no "him." You know that."

"You amuse me to no extent. Your heart's barely beating, your mind trapped with him at every moment and you lie to me…..just as well…I know you. You can't lie to me darling. You mend you broken heart however you wish. I won't stand in your way."

"I love you Gaius. I don't know how many times I've said it."

"No, you don't love me. You had him and her and I was not even good enough for an after thought."

"That's a lie."

"My darling. I never left you, and you never thought of me. All is forgiven. You've done your part wonderfully. And he is just a distraction. I give you my full confidence."

"You are jealous aren't you?"

"Me, jealous of "him," you can't be serious?"

"No, of Lee you are jealous of Lee Adama?"

"Stop, you are embarrassing yourself."

"Here's what I think…...I wondered why you pushed me to "him." And you did. You wanted me to see "him" again, you wanted me to be with "him" and love "him" just so he could break me, corrupt me even more. And here you are looking like "him" feeling like "him" telling me everything that I am afraid to hear, and you vanish. Only to return to kick me while I'm down again. You are a damaged part of me. My fear manifested or something to that accord. Possibly my guilt for what I did to "him," how I used "him" to murder his own people. You are not Gaius you are a damaged voice in my head, some synaptic fatigue, yes….why are you laughing."

"I am a damaged part of you subconscious struggling for self expression is that it?"

"Yes exactly…"

"You sound oddly more and more like a human. Let me remind you darling that you are a machine. And machines do not have a subconscious. I am trying to help you. I am trying to love you to save you. You may not realize this but you are in dire need of saving. Look around you at where you are. Without me you will not make it thru this. There has been something on the horizon, something that has been building; we are advancing closer to a moment that you are not prepared for."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"It's too soon. What we need to focus on is your survival. Come let's walk and get out of this dreary place. Lets not think about "him" or the Major, lets you I be together like the past, come darling I know you miss it."

This is a curious moment in my mind. I had no thoughts of my Phantom while I was with D'Anna and Gaius. We where perfect and now I am here. I have to sneak this thought by him so I can realize a truth I have been avoiding. D'Anna was right we are corrupted by our contact with humans. I am a broken machine. Seeing Gaius in this moment is proof. I have lost some key component and he is the manifestation of my guilt. It was too raw, too real my resurrection. I was filled with a seizing terror about what I had lost and there he was like magic and he guided me. This is funny. I'll play along. Next he will tell me that I have some divine purpose.

"Darling you do. Only I can help you see this lets walk we have so much to do."

Something about Lee Adama that he is afraid of. That will be the only moment I can think and be alone. I process this thought quickly and Gaius smiles as we walk hand and hand down to the waters edge. The marine guarding me only sees me walking up and down my cell.

Romo was still down for the count the next morning. Dee had mid watch, dad wanted another meeting. The President wanted a meeting. Helo had a question about Blue Squadron, Hotdog wanted to know if I was ok. Tyrol wanted to make sure about the mods I asked for before Kara died. Gaeta had some odd random question about some Nebula, Col. Tigh wanted to know what I wanted to do with Kara's stuff, Sam was in a cast and on and on and on. I drifted in and out of all these lives and there were still 4 hours to kill. Time on a Battlestar….I might as well try to find Earth with a compass.

I head back to the observation deck. The line was down to the next corridor and I lost interest. I knew what I wanted to do but I told myself no. I knew what I had to do to make myself hurt less and I went with it. I walked down to the brig to pay a visit to our wonderful client. I didn't want to talk shop with him I just I wanted to understand something. Something I was getting close to. Something that was making me feel everything around me only dulled down.

The marine salutes. Its Vener, I had not seen him in the longest time.

"Major, it's been a while."

"Yes it has."

"I'm sorry to hear about Capt. Thrace. She was a great person. Nasty card player but a great person. She'll be missed."

"Thanks…..um….I am here to see Dr. Baltar."

"The President gave strict orders….let me see….well you are on the list so go right in."

"Thank you Vener….."

When I walk in Gaius is reading out loud a novel I recognized, Blurred Lines of Perfection. Mindless philosophy. I clear my throat and Gaius jumps up out of his cot. He stammers, and looks sweaty and nervous like I caught him doing something he wasn't supposed to. I had seen him do this many times and had no real reaction to it. I was still stuck on the mere mention of Kara's name. Gaius looks off to the side as if he was in the middle of a conversation. He quiets himself and asks about his attorney.

"Romo's fine. Bumps and bruises nothing serious he will be ready for the trial."

"Good…..um Major…..is true about Capt. Thrace? Is she dead?"

I look at him for the longest time. I forget that once upon a time they had a fling. I don't feel the joyously that I once did. I didn't even think of it till now. He seems genuinely concerned. He waits for answer maybe taking it as my grief.

"Yeah….she's gone….."

"Sorry….um….so what are you doing here?"

"Actually I wanted to talk about Caprica Six."

"Why?" he looks offended, angry maybe even a little jealous. Things where looking up.

"It's strictly confidential….its not for the trial I was just curious about her. What is she like?"

"Are you mad?"

"No….I don't think so."

"Oh I see this is some kind of revenge for sleeping with Capt. Thrace…..right snatch her away from me while I rot in this cell!"

"No…..no….…..that's not what I meant…..why does she hate you so much?'

"Me, she hates me….that's funny. Tell you what Major…..you try to crack her…..try it….."

"What do you care about her anyway….she's just a pawn to you…..a way to clear you conscience right? Why do you call her Caprica….little morbid isn't it?"

"She tell you why?"

"She said she had a mission….she was a solider…."

"Major…I am sorry for your loss really I am. Believe it or not it really doesn't make a bit of difference to me. You are assistant to my attorney and for that alone I will give you some advice. Caprica Six is a clever woman, don't let her get inside. Now if you'll excuse me I have nothing to do and would like to do alone."

"One last question, that little song dance yesterday with Romo, you know "tell her I love her" and all that, that was bullshit right?"

"I don't see your point Major."

"Well you either love her or you don't. Something tells me you don't. So why lie to her, what do you have to gain?" He looks at me hard in the eyes. I touched a nerve. Stung him somehow. He looks to the side again. Runs his hand in his greasy hair. He takes a deep breath and answers my question.

"Between you and me, I loved her till she destroyed my world and in the symbolic non literal and literal sense. I loved her and I didn't even know. When I saw her again and again and again in my mind she became something new and far more deadly. I don't understand any of it. I have given up trying. I believe the answer lies in death and when the moment comes I will know for sure. Don't do whatever it is your thinking."

"What did she do, Gaius….what did she do?" I ask, tight maybe even a little desperate.

"Your not listening. I am trying to help you….to spare you…and your not listening. Neither did I and look….this is where I was destined to be….you want answers get them from her. You are going to do it anyway…find out the hard way….leave me in peace…."

He turns and walks back to his cot. He gets under the sheet turns on his side and closes his eyes. I see a faint drops sliding down his face. This was such a mistake. Now I need to know more.