Are You My Father
Disclaimer: I just put it once at the beginning of my stories, but I don't own anything from Harry Potter.
Chapter 1- Accusation
*****Severus, Day 1*****
Severus Snape rarely had time to relish simple pleasure in life, stuck with a career he did not chose but could perhaps enjoy if he was not hated by three quarters or more of the castle. He couldn't blame his students for hating him, because he generally hated himself as well. If he could finish marking exams early, Severus could at least enjoy the last week of term in relative peace. Of course, since his time was not his own, this was dependent on what the Dark Lord had planned after being revealed to the public, or what Albus had planned after the same revelation. At least Severus was done with classes with the brats for an entire summer, and he didn't have to mark final exams for the fifth and seventh years, so there was no excessively long paper from Granger that he would have to search through to find a half-imagined flaw.
His relative peace was disturbed by none other than the Golden Boy of Gryffindor, but not with the sort of interruption that he would have expected. The boy burst in, closed the door behind him, and walked directly up to his desk.
"POTTER, what are you-" was all Severus got out before the boy interrupted him, Severus Snape, the most feared teacher of Gryffindors for more than a decade. Then again, a Potter never knew about respect.
Potter spoke in a low, almost eerie voice, "You hated James Potter because you loved my mother, didn't you?"
No. No. No. Potter couldn't have any idea. Severus was sure that Potter hadn't seen any memory even in the Occlumency ordeal that would give the little bastard that idea. "Of course not, Potter. I hated your father because he was a wretched human being and we shared a mutual hatred from the moment we first met, and you are of the same stock. What do you mean, barging into my office? Just because the term is nearly over and you have had an 'incident' that has caused everyone else in the castle to treat you like glass does not mean I can't make your life… difficult," Severus threatened. He would do as much as he was allowed. "Twenty points from Gryffindor to start. Remember, you have two more years at this school, Potter, even if I will finally be free of having you in my class." Severus considered assigning detention as well, but he knew Filch was otherwise occupied and Severus had no desire to oversee the detentions himself. If he were to assign the boy to anyone else, they would let him off too easily.
"You were her friend from the time you were in first year. I've asked around. That memory is one of your worst not because of what James Potter and Sirius did to you but because of what you said to my mother, wasn't it?" Was the boy drunk? Bewitched? Students did not have the courage to stand up to the dungeon bat. It was probably a mental break after the happenings at the Ministry.
"Ten points from Gryffindor. You'll lose your house the cup all by yourself at this rate, despite Gryffindor's former considerable lead. Potter, you are distraught over Black's death. It is normal to grieve, though he doesn't deserve it. If you leave my presence now, I won't seek permanent consequences for your stupidity." Even Severus could see that the boy needed to be in the hospital wing.
"Yeah, Sirius. When I last talked to him, I was telling him what absolute shit he was for the things he did to you in school, and the last thing that he said to me was that I wasn't as much like my father as he thought. Yeah, despite what you think, I'm not like that." That was… interesting.
"And I meant to leave the fireplace then. I knew I should. I haven't told anyone what I said next, though Lupin heard too, but I told him that if he and my dad were such bullying gits, then maybe I was better off with a dead father than with him alive," the boy paused. "And I never talked to Sirius again. And it's my fault he's dead. And he loved me. He wasn't the best person. Maybe he was absolute shit, and he was crazy- maybe he was crazy before Azkaban even, and that's why he was shite, but he loved me and he came to find me. And if I didn't know now that there was a damned prophesy basically saying the world would go to hell if I bit it, I'm not sure I wouldn't have thrown myself off of the Astronomy tower before now. But now I don't even think James Potter ever was my father."
Harry Potter, Boy Who Lived, was suffering a mental break and threatening to commit suicide. In his office, so it was his problem now.
"Then who the hell do you think is, Potter?" Severus said slowly. He wasn't any good at this. He should probably just stun the boy and haul him to the Hospital Wing to be done with him.
"You," the child said, meeting his eyes. That was it- the boy was insane, completely unhinged.
"Potter, you look so much like James Potter you could have been a muggle cloning experiment."
"You loved her, didn't you? I just found out that my parents weren't even married until six months before I was born. Why did they even get married? You're not telling me it's not possible, professor. You'd just have to say that you didn't have sex with my mother around the right time, and maybe I'd have to believe you."
"Potter, you're not well. You need to see Madame Pomfrey, or your Head of House or anyone more suited to deal with a troubled child than myself," Severus urged, almost kindly. This was not his sort of conversation. He'd dealt with more than a decade of troubled, even abused young Slytherins, but not this Gryffindor.
"Stop calling me Potter," the boy said more calmly than Severus would expect. "You're scared because you think I might be your son, but you hate me and I'm a danger to everyone around me. I can't blame you for the last part. I can't blame you for the first part either. Most everyone I've met has hated me for as long as I can remember, so you're no different really."
"You are impossible to talk to and you need psychiatric help, a rather prominent failing of the wizarding world. Regardless, you are clearly of Potter decent, and despite what you might have in your head, Lily Evans chose the better man," Severus said, not believing that he was giving voice to those particular words.
"He was a bully who-"
"And I am a murderer and the reason she is now dead," Severus roared, waiting for the explosion to come from the boy in in front of him. There it was, all the reasons in the world for the boy to hate him, past his own treatment of the boy.
"I know," the boy said instead, "Dumbledore told me. It's the worst feeling in the world to be the cause of the death of someone you love, isn't it? That bit about you wasn't even the biggest shock of the day after me killing my godfather and hearing about how only I can kill Voldemort. Kind of a lot to throw on a person at once."
Snape was silent for a moment. What the hell had happened to Harry Potter? Trauma, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder as the muggles would call it, something he researched for himself years ago. "You are not- the major contributor to Black's death." Would it help for him to tell the child that?
"Yes I am. You don't have to lie to me like everyone else. I already know that you don't like me. I blamed you for a while, for ending our lessons, but that was my fault too. And I blamed Dumbledore and the Order for not telling me what was going on or I might have expected the trap. And Kreacher for lying to me about where Sirius was when I asked. But there were so many things I could have done differently. Could have done better. I could have learned Occlumency. I could have opened the gift that Sirius gave me and found the mirror, and then I'd be able to talk to him whenever and I wouldn't have needed a floo. I could have just believed that you'd take care of it. Or I could have gone by myself and gotten killed, but no one else would know. And at least I'd deserve it and some of my friends wouldn't still be in the hospital and Sirius wouldn't be dead."
"Potter," Snape stopped him, Harry raising his eyes to look at him again. "Black was a grown man who knew the risks of being an Order member. He knew his particular dangers of leaving headquarters. If you must place blame, place it with him. I- dare say that however numerous his own faults were, he would rather you hate him than yourself. Or you can place blame where the fault ultimately resides, with Bellatrix Lestrange and the Dark Lord."
"I tried to cast the Cruciatus Curse on her," Harry offered lightly, sounding more unhinged each minute. "She screamed but only for a second before she laughed at me. She said I didn't hate enough. I think I just only hate myself enough. Why on earth else would I be spilling my guts to the only other person in the castle who hates me as much as I do? I reckon you hate me more than Voldemort does, but not as much as my uncle. And I'm going back to that damned house where you're so sure I'm a spoiled prince, more spoiled than Malfoy. But I'm not. Because even Death Eaters usually love their own sons, and I'll never be more than a house elf on Privet Drive."
"You have thousands of people fawning at your feet. And your- parents loved you," Severus said, ignoring the troubling part about Harry Potter casting an Unforgivable Curse, even if it didn't properly work.
"And died because of it. You know, I've only heard my mother's voice in your memory and her last words before she died whenever I'm near a dementor. And now that I'm not sure James Potter was ever my father, I'm not sure how I feel about that. I mean, he did die trying to save my mother and me, but he was a bully and a git, and I won't excuse him because he was young because he was my age, and I'd never do that, whatever you might think of me."
"Potter, you're too young for this sort of crisis, and I'm telling you like every person in the magical world has, I'm sure, that you look almost exactly like the man and are clearly related," Severus reiterated. The boy heard Lily when a dementor was near? Of course a child should never have been around the monsters to find out.
"Maybe too much like him even? I've done my research, and I'm surprised if you haven't as well. There's potions for that, to permanently change a child's appearance if taken at certain stages before birth, potions favored both among women having affairs and for pureblood lines where the male is infertile, an issue throughout wizarding history in many wizarding families not named Weasley from what I've read. Just tell me if it's possible."
What the hell was he doing? "Halloween, 1979," Severus spat, "It was a party that she had no business attending. She came in disguise to find me. Is that what you want to hear? But human gestation is rarely exactly nine months. She was likely already pregnant when she sought me out. She was certainly already sleeping with Potter, and they announced their engagement only a week after. Potter had already asked her to marry him and she asked for some time to consider. What do you hope to take away from this conversation, Potter? You just experienced a loss, but there are dozens around you who care-"
"It's not about that. I just have to know alright?" the boy said, less tense now, "I just need a blood sample and- and maybe some help making the potion so I don't mess it up. I found the instructions and everything already. I'd usually ask Hermione, but I don't want her to know," the boy explained. The boy declared his inclination to brew a potion harder than most seventh year potions.
What in Merlin's name was he doing? He should report this- but- what if it were true? Would that change anything? It couldn't, but how could it not? "It's not a potion I have on hand, and purchasing the potion base to only add the blood samples would attract attention I would like to avoid, and you should as well. It will take about a week for me to brew, ready for your blood just before you are due to leave for holidays if I begin tomorrow. The blood must be fresh or I would simply take a sample now."
"Can I- help or watch or something?" the boy asked, and Severus could see the ragged desperation. The child wasn't coping well with Black's death. This was the root of his hysteria for sure. The child did start to look better though, less crazed, the moment Severus agreed to make the potion. There went Severus's previous hope of a peaceful week. This was a terrible time to be in the castle. There weren't even classes to keep the child distracted. Why were they still on school premises at this point? Fruitlessly waiting for end of term exams to be graded, which fifth years didn't even take with OWL exams in their place? Still- if the boy was by any minute possibility his- son, could he really turn him down? Yes, he could yell and be cruel to the boy like he had been from the first time he set eyes on the thechild… Was that what he wanted- to be as worthless as his own father, Tobias Snape?
"Fine. I will begin brewing tomorrow morning at 8:00 sharp. Bring your latest potions text and your best defense text, not the drivel you had in class this year," Severus instructed.
And then the boy left, without another word but with a smile on his face, looking calm for one of the only times that he had been in his professor's presence. The child was insane. Certifiable. Severus really should just walk straight to the Headmaster's office and let Albus deal with it. But that would lead to- uncomfortable conversations.
Really, all Severus would need to do was brew the potion and prove the boy's accusation to be unfounded. It wouldn't even take much time away from his personal work, and at this time of year he wouldn't be doing anything more interesting than restocking the infirmary anyway. It was madness to give in to the boy's request, but it was the easiest course of action and- perhaps now Severus needed to know as well…
Severus knew he would not sleep any semblance of well that night, not that he usually did. He would need to gather the proper ingredients, most of which he should have on hand, but might be running low. Why had he agreed to let the boy watch, as if he needed another problem underfoot?
Severus found himself in his quarters considering the strongest liquor he had in his private stores. If it were true- if the boy was right even though he was crazed- would Severus be any better father than his own? No, he wouldn't sleep well that night at all.
A/N: There it is, the start to a new story! This one just came to me and took over all of my attention, and the next chapters will be longer.
I am also working on year 2 of a Severitus (hidden unknowingly by metamorphmagus powers) story called Morphed Secrets, which you should check out if you like this one so far. I will be updating both of them, though perhaps this one more regularly for a time. I am shooting for once a week, or more frequently if motivated enough by reviews!