The Dust from Our Retreat Sticks to My Soul
Note: It's such an itty bitty little ficlet, but I watched Swan Song, er-pieces of it while I should be studying for my history final and it was making me feel very melancholy and emotional and the last three lines or so got stuck in my head, I swear, they dug their claws in and wouldn't let go and…*sighs* maybe now I can get back to studying for this final. And I know, the title couldn't be any more melodramatic if I tried. I just got back from lunch with my drama professor though, let's blame her.
I've built my world around you
I don't wanna let you go
I think you should know,
I'm here
-Ross Copperman; I Don't Wanna Let You Go
. . .
"The only thing you're going to see out there is Michael killing your brother."
Dean looked up at Castiel, wondering what made the angel think that would even be an excuse to abandon his brother. If there was any reason he should be there, that was it.
"Well, I'm not going to let him die alone."
Any hope for Death was gone as soon as he made his brother the promise. They'd never backed down on a promise, a pinky swear, a commitment. There was no take backs-ever. It didn't matter if they liked it or hated it, the one thing they could rely on in their lives was that there would be no broken promises.
Because you never let me down, Dean, I can always depend on you.
Dean didn't want to promise his brother that he would go and live some picket fence, apple pie life. He didn't want to do anything if Sam wasn't there. He wanted to die, and if possible take as many evil sons of bitches down with him along the way-it wasn't a prerequisite though.
He didn't know how to do life without Sam. Maybe it was because he'd always been a brother first…even when he looked back on his childhood; he couldn't remember anything before Sam. It was a blank, and the earliest memory was of his mom and dad coming back and telling him that he was a big brother now.
He'll have to do everything I tell him to do. Dean remembers thinking this with perfect clarity; it only took Sam two point five seconds to destroy this and make Dean determined for the rest of eternity to be the boss.
And then when it happened, when Sam really had to do what he told him to do-he hated it. He hated that responsibility, he was scared all the time and there was no Option B. Having the tables turned though, having to listen to Sam tell him what to do though, this was a million times worse.
Go ahead and take us both, he dared the world, please.
He made a promise, he swore to Sam that he wasn't going to keep pushing at that door, that he wasn't going to keep fighting until that fiery glare of hate ignited with his whiskey induced haze and took him in a final blaze. For some reason, he allowed Sam to make him promise the last thing in the world he wanted to do-
Dean made a promise to live out both of their lives, even though the only thing he wanted to do was give up and die.
"It's going to be okay, Dean. I've got him."
Why was it that in his final moments, his last moments with his brother it was Sam that was consoling him. It should be the other way around. He was the big brother after all. There are so many things he wants to tell Sam, but he can't find the energy or capability to move his jaw.
He doesn't even know if he can blink.
Okay, okay Sammy. He feels tears burning away at his eyes and doesn't know if they are streaming down his face or if the dampness on his face is just blood. Is it possible he's actually run out of tears? It feels possible. How much can one human being cry in a lifetime?
But who has you?